Introspection: A Legion of Voices

I share these thoughts, hoping they are of help to someone else.

A Legion of Voices

Scripture:

A man in the synagogue had the spirit of an unclean demon. He screamed, "Hey! What have You to do with us, Jesus of Nazareth? Have You come to destroy us? I know who You are. You are the holy one from God."

"Silence!" Jesus said, speaking harshly to the demon. "Come out of him!" The demon threw the man down before them, then came out of him without harming him.

They were all shaken and said to each other, "What kind of word is this, that He can command unclean spirits with authority and power, and they leave?" Reports about Him spread everywhere in the surrounding region.

Luke 4:33-37 (CEB)

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am

From "I Need You to Love Me" by BarlowGirl

I have this one extremely vague, hazy memory from my early childhood, from back when I was in either my "terrible twos" or my "terrible threes." I remember being in the church nursery with my grandmother one Sunday morning, and for some reason I was very upset. I was upset enough to run around the nursery, screaming, crying, and banging my head. I am now in my "terrible twenties," and I regret to inform you that very little has changed about me.

I don't remember what was stressing me out that day I threw the tantrum in the church nursery, but one recent source of stress for me has been minor, recurring digestion issues. I'll spare you the details, but I have found myself becoming extremely upset and even angry when these problems occur. Wondering if I should see a gastroenterologist, I explained my problems with a friend. As I described the symptoms, I realized that the issues are actually more annoying than debilitating, and I began to wonder if they might be brought on by stress. One clue is that I usually don't experience these problems on Saturday, the day I am under the least amount of stress.

I am beginning to see the utter stranglehold stress has on my life. To call me a tense person would be an understatement. I think that I would be better described as an unhealthy, tangled mass of nerves. Sadly, a vast majority of my stress - I estimate around 97.85 percent - is actually self-inflicted. My digestion problems appear to be brought on or exacerbated by stress, and then my digestion problems only serve to add to my stress.

Another source of stress for me is the negativity that runs rampant inside my mind. Craig Groeschel, in his book Dare to Drop the Pose, explains the "What-if Game." The first rule is, "You're only allowed to think of worst-case scenarios." The second is, "You're never allowed to win this game. You can only lose." The third is, "The more you play, the greater your losses."¹

I tend to play the "What-if Game" with the people in my life. In my head, I predetermine people's reactions to what I say or do, and the reactions are always extremely hypercritical. I put words in people's mouths based on my own perfectionism and broken self-image. Sometimes, when I send emails to people, I second-guess my wording, assuming the recipient will misinterpret something I wrote and leap to the wrong conclusion. In the worst of cases, I plan out entire arguments. Of course, these misunderstandings and arguments hardly ever happen.

There have been a few instances when I have made some very minor faux pas at church on Sunday morning - so insignificant that I cannot even provide an example. My mother's place in the choir loft is in a position where she can easily see me in my normal seat, so I assume that after church she is going to get on my case about my mistake. Throughout the service, I rehearse an argument with her in my head. I mention my mistake to her, and it turns out that she didn't notice - or even care for that matter. By that time, though, I am already angry with my poor mother, so I pick an argument with her anyway!

In the past, I have said that I have "voices in my head." By this, I am referring to my own toxic inner dialogue along with these imagined criticisms from other people. I imagine my parents' voices constantly pointing all my faults. I hear the voices of women I admire telling me that I am not good enough for them. I hear the voices of people I support at work complain about me to my superiors, and I hear the voices of my superiors scold me. Worst of all, I hear my own voice telling me that I am completely worthless and unredeemable. It is as if I have a legion of voices in my head, and none of them have anything nice to say about me.

Jesus once met a man who had a legion of problems.

One day, Jesus and His disciples find themselves in a foreign land where they are met by a demon-possessed man. This man makes it a habit to spend all of his time in graveyards, screaming and cutting himself. People try to chain him up, but he always breaks through the chains. When he sees Jesus, he throws himself to the ground begging for mercy. When Jesus asks the demonic presence within him it's name, it replies, "Legion is my name, for we are many." The demons begin to bargain with Jesus, asking to be cast into a herd of pigs. Jesus grants their request, and immediately the herd jumps into the Sea of Galilee and drowns. Two thousand pigs are lost, but the once-possessed man is given back his peace of mind.²

At work last week, I was on the phone with a woman, trying to help her to deal with a computer problem. This problem had persisted for a couple of days, and I had run out of ideas for how to fix it. A co-worker of mine just happened to be in her area, so she asked him for help. A few minutes later, he called me to explain the situation. With all my frustration and irritability, I barked, "I know! I've been trying to help all day!" My co-worker then told me to not be mean because I was on speakerphone. The woman heard what I said.

I wasn't trying to be mean or rude, and I had no fault with the woman I was trying to help. I was only frustrated. The voices started speaking again as I began another losing session of the "What-if Game." The woman would tell her supervisor about my rudeness. She and her supervisor would then complain to my supervisors, and then my supervisors would then see the need to school me on proper customer service. I sent the woman an email saying that I wasn't trying to be mean. She replied, "I know you were not being mean. I don’t think that you have a mean bone in your body."

In all honesty, the woman's assessment of my character wasn't completely accurate, because I know I have been mean to people in the past. To her, though, I had proven myself to be a generally nice person. With an extremely broken self-image, I sometimes need an outside voice to clear things up for me. I feel as though this was a "God moment," because, when I read the woman's email, the voices stopped. I closed the door to my office and started crying.

The demon of negativity sinks its claws into many people, followers of Christ included. In my case, negativity toward myself is manifested in a legion of voices, but Christ speaks back to the voices. The legion of voices tells me that I am worthless and unredeemable. Christ says, "Silence!" The legion of voices tries to bring me down. Christ says, "Come out of him!"

A friend of mine once told me about self-compassion. Self-compassion is the idea that a person should extend to himself the same compassion he would extend to others. I believe that this is indeed a Biblical principle. Jesus said that the second greatest commandment is, "You must love your neighbor as you love yourself."³ You cannot properly fulfill this commandment if you do not first love yourself. I would not consider it acceptable for other people put themselves down, so why is it acceptable for me to put myself down? Last month, I even wrote a perspective about accepting others just as they are.⁴ Why should I not extend this same mercy to myself?

It is important for us to be honest about our faults, but it is also important for us to recognize what is good about us as well. Jesus had some sharp criticisms for the people of His day, especially for the extremely religious, but He also commended people for their good qualities. To one wise religious scholar, He said, "You aren’t far from God’s kingdom."⁵ To several who sought healing, He commended their faith saying, "Your faith has healed you."⁶ It is not prideful to be honest about your own good qualities.

I know that my war against the "voices in my head" isn't over, but this victory against the voices has reminded me that I am more than my faults. I post this here as a reminder to myself and as an encouragement to anyone else haunted by the demons of negativity and low self-esteem. If you struggle with such things, remember that God sees more in you than your faults. God sees your good qualities and your great potential as well. You need to be honest with yourself, and you need to see these things in yourself as well.

Notes:
1 - Craig Groeschel. Dare to Drop the Pose: Ten Things Christians Think but Are Afraid to Say. 2010, Multnomah Books. pp. 107-108
2 - For the story of the Gerasene Demoniac in its entirety, see Mark 5:1-20.
3 - Matthew 22:39 (CEB)
4 - See my perspective "Being Real."
5 - Luke 12:34 (CEB)
6 - See Mark 5:34, Mark 10:52, and Luke 17:19 for examples (CEB quoted)

The pictures featured in this introspection are of myself.


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