Introspection: Adapt or Amputate

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.

Adapt or Amputate

Scripture:

If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

Matthew 5:29-30 (TNIV)

My dead heart now is beating
My deepest stains now clean
Your breath fills up my lungs
Now I'm free. Now I'm free!

Into marvelous light I'm running
Out of darkness, out of shame
By the cross You are the Truth
You are the Life; You are the Way

From "Marvelous Light" by Charlie Hall

Earlier this year, if you asked me about my job, I would probably answer you with something vague. Some answers I would give people who asked me were, "I'm a computer programmer," or "I work at a small company in town," or "I do C programming." These statements were all true, but they fell short of telling people what they really wanted to know about me. Even in my past writings I only admitted to working in a shady industry.

The fact of the matter is that I was ashamed of my job because I worked in the gambling industry for a company that manufactured slot machines and video poker machines. I helped write the software on which the machines operate.

Even before I started working at this company, I was afraid of what people would think. The United Methodist Church, of which I am a member, takes a rather strong stance against gambling. What would the people at church would think? What would my Christian friends think about my working on machines on which people waste hundreds of dollars at a time while letting their families go without?

I told some people about my job, usually stating that that it was not something I wanted to do my whole life. I could tell by the reactions of some that they thought my job was uncool. Others thought it was interesting. Some said that I should just be thankful that I had a job. A few wanted me to tell them how to beat the machines my company produced. ¹

There is a tendency in our society for people, men especially, to define themselves by the work they do. I fell into this trap, and, because I was ashamed of my job, shame became a driving force in my life. To cope, I tried to compartmentalize my life. I wanted to keep my job in a little box that was only opened from 8:30am to 5:00pm every day, completely separated from the rest of my life.

The results were ugly. I exhibited strange behavior and developed a bad attitude. I wore certain clothes to work and changed clothes immediately after I came home. I ate the same thing every day. When work started to seep into the rest of my life, like water through a crack in a dam, I became irritable. The idea of working overtime angered me. I hated for my supervisor to call me on my cell phone, especially after hours.

After about a year of working for this company, the dam broke. I found myself in a crunch that caused me to have to work a good deal of overtime over the course of a week. I had lived for the weekend, and now even that could be taken from me. I developed a silent animosity for my superiors at work.

After this crunch situation was over, I decided that I needed to get out of this job. I wanted to quit, but I was afraid that I would have trouble finding another job afterward. I could have tried looking for another job, but I wasn't sure if another programming job would be any better. I lamented majoring in computer science and considered changing careers, but I was not sure if that was my calling. I simply did not know what to do, so I started praying. Every morning, I prayed that God would call me away from my job.

After nearly a year of praying and soul searching, God answered my prayers. My company consolidated offices and moved out of state, giving me a valid reason to leave my job. The source of my shame was gone, but being unemployed did not make me feel much better about myself. As I looked for another job, I decided that I needed something I could take pride in, something to which I could dedicate myself. I decided to put my faith in God to lead me to where I needed to go, and God blessed me with a new job as a programmer at a local technical college.

In the weeks after I was hired, my whole outlook on life changed. I was back among the living. I became more sociable and got out of my house more often. I even started to enjoy programming again. For the first time in years, I was high on life. At this time, I realized how much my life was truly crippled by shame.

To you, the reader, I urge you to do what you must to get shame out of your life. Shame is an obstacle that keeps us from living life to the fullest. Shame is a roadblock that separates us from the abundant life that God intends for us.

Perhaps you are ashamed of something that you cannot change. In this case, adapt. First, come to terms with this thing and accept it as a reality. Once you have done that, learn to live with it as best as you can. If you are, for example, dealing with a physical problem, accept yourself for who you are, but do not think that your problem is what defines you. Seek out others who are living with the same problem and see what they do to rise above their situation.

Perhaps the thing causing you shame is something that you know is wrong in your life. Maybe it is, for example, a sin or an addiction. If this is the case, amputate. Cut it out of your life like a gangrenous limb. No matter how attached you are to this thing, it would be far better for you to lose this one part of your life than to put yourself through a living hell. Get rid of it, but do not live with a gaping hole in your life. Replace the thing that breaks you down and brings you shame with something that builds you up and makes you a better person.

Maybe you are in a situation where you simply do not know what to do about the source of your shame. Perhaps you don't know whether you need to adapt or to amputate, and you feel like your back is against the wall. If this describes your situation, pray to God for guidance and seek help. There are some problems in this life that we simply cannot handle on our own, but, thankfully, God never expected us to face life by ourselves. If we place our hands in His, He will lead us our of our shame.

Christ came to Earth so that we might have life and experience it abundantly. ² This includes a lot of things, but it does not include shame. May God guide you out of the darkness of guilt and shame and lead you into the light of abundant life.


Notes:
1 - Here and now I reveal the secret to beating slot machines and poker machines: don't play them! The house always wins.
2 - John 10:10b