Introspection: Until the Ending Is Written

I share these thoughts, hoping they are of help to someone else.

Until the Ending Is Written

Scripture:

Actually, I don't have a sense of needing anything personally. I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.

Philippians 4:11-13 (The Message)

Now the story's played out like this

Just like a paperback novel

Let's rewrite an ending that fits

Instead of a Hollywood horror

From "Someday" by Nickelback

Sometimes our lives do not turn out the way we want, and sometimes even the best laid plans need to be abandoned.

In the early hours of New Year's Day, after I published my first blog post of 2012, my thoughts turned to the year ahead. As I pondered what I would write in the coming year, missing the vulnerability of my early days of blogging, a story came to mind. This is a story I was, at one time, hesitant to publish, but, as I lay in bed, unable to sleep, I decided that it might be time to put this story into writing and to share it with the world.

I wanted very much to share this story, but I had some serious reservations. Not long afterward, I met with my pastor and asked her for advice about the matter. She advised me to go ahead and write the story regardless of whether or not I decided to publish it. Immediately after our meeting, I began writing, and I continued writing late into the night. I finished my story and decided that I would publish it in early February.

I sent the story to my pastor, and she expressed some concerns about it. Taking her concerns into consideration, I decided to make some edits, still intending to publish the story when I had planned. When the day came for me to publish the story, she called me, having read my second draft, and strongly urged me to reconsider. She didn't think it was a bad story to share: she just didn't think I should share it with everybody at that time. I told her that I respected her opinion but that my mind was made up. I had spent hours and hours writing and polishing the story, and I had my heart set on sharing it. I proceeded to publish the story on this blog just as I had planned.

A few hours later, I decided to pull the story.

I finally realized why my pastor had concerns. The problem lay within the last paragraph: I was so eager to share this story with the world, I did not take the time to write a proper ending.

And therein lies the problem.

Let me backtrack a little to explain what I mean.

Last year, on the day before Valentine's Day, I experienced what I believe was a small miracle. I wanted to share this miracle with others, but, to capture what this happening truly meant to me, I had to share a much larger story. This story details a particular part of my life.

In Blue Like Jazz, writer Donald Miller discusses the four elements of a good story: setting, conflict, climax, and resolution. The setting and the conflict are self-explanatory. The climax is the moment in the story when a decisive action is taken that determines how the story will end. The resolution is the ending of the conflict, for better or for worse.¹ In the story I had written, the setting was my life, and the conflict was within my heart. I understood the climax to be the supposed miracle I experienced, a sign that God was acting decisively on my behalf. Unfortunately the last paragraph of the story betrayed the fact that the conflict within my heart has not yet been resolved.

Because there was no resolution to the conflict, the story I had written was not a good story. I cannot simply write a resolution because I am still living out the story in my life.

And that really sucks.

I intended to publish my story a few days before Valentine's Day because the miracle coincided with Valentine's Day the year before. Sadly, my ambitious schedule did not allow enough time for a true ending to be written. Ironically, Valentine's Day, for many people like myself, serves as a bitter reminder that our stories are not written to the extent we would like. While lovers give chocolates to their beloved ones, many of the rest of us find our teeth set on edge from sour grapes. Some of us would even like to rename the holiday "Singleness Awareness Day." For many of us, chronic singleness is one of those conflicts in our stories we wish was resolved.

When St. Paul was a young man, I doubt he would have been happy to know that some of his story would take place in prison; after he was imprisoned, however, he wrote a surprisingly joyful letter to the church in Philippi. In this letter, Paul stated that he had found the secret to contentment regardless of his circumstances. He had learned to simply live in his story whatever it was like at the time, whether he was rich or poor, filled or hungry, free or imprisoned. Paul knew that he was not living his story by himself: he knew that God was with him, strengthening him every step of the way.

There are a lot of things in my life that I wish were resolved, my seemingly interminable singleness included. I have been told in the past that singleness is a gift and that it should be enjoyed. I am now starting to understand what that means. I am learning that I have to live in my story right were it is right now. I cannot force the endings of the stories of my life to be written. I have to patiently let these stories write themselves, and I must trust in God to lead me to positive resolutions to the conflicts in my life.

As King Solomon wrote, "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven."² I believe there will someday be a time for me to share with the world the story I am still writing, but that time is not now.³ Time is a funny thing: we aren't given enough to waste, but we are, I believe, given enough time to do what we need to do without rushing through life. Life is a journey, not a race or a destination. Wherever you are right now, whatever your circumstances, may you learn to live in your story right where it is with patience, contentment, and faith.


Notes:
1 - Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality. 2003, Thomas Nelson. Ch 3
2 - Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NRSV)
3 - If you want a very vague idea of what the story was about, see my introspection "God's Gift to Someone."

The photograph featured in this introspection is public domain.


If you have any feedback, thoughts, stories, or even arguments to contribute, please leave comments.