Introspection: Strive Less, Dance More

I share these thoughts, hoping they are of help to someone else.

Strive Less, Dance More

Scripture:

But when I surveyed all that my hands had done, and what I had worked so hard to achieve, I realized that it was pointless - a chasing after wind. Nothing is to be gained under the sun.

Ecclesiastes 2:11 (CEB)

So I commend enjoyment because there's nothing better for people to do under the sun but to eat, drink, and be glad. This is what will accompany them in their hard work, during the lifetime that God gives under the sun.

Ecclesiastes 8:15 (CEB)

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

From "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin Park

Over the past three years, my pastor and I have become good friends. She has been what Leonard Sweet might call my "butt-kicker,"¹ always pushing me and challenging me, particularly in regards to my involvement in the church. A number of times she has also found herself to be somewhat of a counselor for me. The poor woman has probably heard more than she wanted about my insecurities and my personal drama.

Recently, I emailed my pastor, fretting about how a text message I sent might have come across to its recipient. She responded, encouraging me to just be myself, as she always advises me. She went on to tell me that we all desire what one of her seminary professors calls the "Three A's": affirmation, approval, and acceptance. She reminded me that God accepts me, approves of me, and affirms me more than any human being ever could.

If you have read my introspections in the past, you know that I often have trouble simply being myself. In the past, I have written about my struggles with self-image, perfectionism, and anger. What my pastor told me about the "Three A's" helped to shed some light on the root of these problems, particularly my perfectionism. I desperately want affirmation, approval, and acceptance from other people. At the same time, I know that I am very flawed, so I feel that I cannot simply be myself. I have to be better than myself: I must cover up all my flaws, and I must say and do all the right things so that I can receive validation from others.

I am a perfectionist, so I am always painfully aware that I am not perfect. I realize that I can never be perfect, no matter how hard I strive to be. This realization along with my desperate desire to be accepted by others leads to a sense of futility, to frustration with myself, and ultimately to rage toward myself.

The inherent problem with the desire for the "Three A's" is the fact that these things cannot be obtained or earned on one's own: they must be given by another person. Someone else must do the affirming, the approving, and the accepting. If one person does not receive the "Three A's" from another person, it is not necessarily the first person's fault. If a person was one-hundred-percent perfect, it would still be the prerogative of another person to withhold their affirmation, their approval, and their acceptance. It is utterly impossible for us to manipulate or force people to react in the way we want them to react to us, no matter how "good" we are.

I believe that my perfectionist complex is rooted in the fact that I grew up exposed to a lot of negativity and criticism. Sometimes this came from the people closest to me, people whom I felt, because of the nature of their relationship to me, were contractually obligated to give me the "Three A's" unconditionally. Instead of feeling affirmed, approved, and accepted, I ended up feeling as though I needed to guard myself and to watch my actions carefully, lest someone become angry with me or whisper about me behind my back. If the people closest to me could not affirm me, approve of me, or accept me, how could anyone else in the world? I once wrote about my own inner dialogue, saying, "It is as if I have a legion of voices in my head, and none of them have anything nice to say about me."² Sometimes, these voices sound like these particular people in my life.

One such person was my grandfather. My grandfather was always there for me when I needed him, but he was not, by any definition, an easy man to be around. He was often grumpy and irritable, and he would express his disapproval toward any flaw he saw in me. Sometimes he would yell at me, but what hurt the most was his shaking his head and sighing as if to say, "You're hopeless!" Every day, I told my grandfather that I loved him, but I actually resented him. He died a number of years ago, but sometimes I feel as though his ghost is still watching over me, shaking his head and sighing about every mistake I make.

The truth is that I probably always had the affirmation, the approval, and the acceptance of the people closest to me, though I usually felt like I did not. Also, it probably didn't help that, for eleven years, I went to a religious school that had extremely strict rules and faculty who loved to remind the students that they were sinners. Any approval, affirmation, and acceptance I was offered growing up was drowned out by the sea of negativity surrounding me. Let's face it, our feelings do not always reflect reality, and criticism always comes through much louder than praise.

A strange thing happened to me this year on Ash Wednesday. I was on my way to work that morning when I realized that I had left my lunch at home. I make this trivial mistake every now and then, but this time, for some reason, I became very angry with myself. For some reason I remembered my grandfather and how he derided me when I made mistakes. I thought about the others in my life who I felt expected more from me than I could deliver. I snapped. There, alone in the car, in the middle of traffic, I screamed out at the top of my lungs,

"IT'S NOT ME - IT'S YOU!!!"

It is truly ironic that this happened on Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. Lent is a season on the Christian liturgical calendar marked by repentance, introspection, and self-denial. Sometimes people give up something for the duration of Lent as a spiritual discipline - caffeine or chocolate, for example. I had planned to give up all meat for Lent, but, in this loud, beautiful, liberating moment, I also gave up my perfectionism and my hopes of ever earning the affirmation, the approval, and the acceptance of other people. Since that day, I have been less uptight, less demanding of myself, and generally less angry.

In the Book of Ecclesiastes, King Solomon calls all human achievements and all human ambitions pointless and a chasing after the wind.³ He says that all that is really worth doing is to eat, to drink, and to enjoy life.⁴ Similarly, I have realized the utter pointlessness of trying to please people. I had tried to put my best foot forward and to hide all my flaws in order to earn approval, affirmation, and acceptance from other people. What did I get from it? Nothing but loneliness, heartache, stress, anger, and digestive problems. I have decided to give up trying to please people, and I have decided instead to simply enjoy my life.

I was introduced to contra dancing when I was in college, but it is only recently that I started dancing regularly. The contra dance is a folk dance similar to the square dance in that a caller directs the dance by calling out dance steps which include the swing, the do-si-do, the allemande, and the promenade. Dancers start out completely dependent on the caller, and the sequence of dance steps might, at first, seem like utter chaos. As the dance goes on, the steps are absorbed into the dancers' muscle memory and the dancers will begin to feel the momentum of one step leading them beautifully into the next.


I have tried to go dancing every week when dances are held. These dances have given me the chance to put my cares aside, to simply enjoy life, and to interact with other people, particularly members of the opposite sex. Dancing has given me a new outlook on life. There are times when I mess up the dance steps. There are times when a girl does not want to dance with me and I have to ask someone else. There are times when I accidentally step on someone's foot. There was even one time when the caller had to come down from the stage to show me what I was doing wrong. If I focus on these things, then the dance is no longer fun, and, if dancing isn't fun, why do it?

It is only natural for us to desire affirmation, approval, and acceptance from other people, but it is utterly impossible for us to earn these things from people, no matter how hard we try. On the other hand, it is completely possible for each of us offer these things to each other unconditionally, with no strings attached. Never strive to be loved; strive only to love. Life is a dance: if it is not enjoyed, then it is wasted. Life is a precious gift from God, so stop the pointless striving, and just enjoy the dance!


Notes:
1 - Leonard Sweet, 11: Indispensable Relationships You Can't Be Without. 2008, David C. Cook. Ch. 3
2 - See my Introspection: "A Legion of Voices"
3 - This is a theme throughout the entire book, but see the first two chapters in particular.
4 - Ecclesiastes 2:24, 8:15

The photograph featured in this introspection was taken by J. Peidle and is public domain.


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