Introspection: Death by Nostalgia

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Death by Nostalgia

Brothers and sisters, I myself don't think I've reached [my goal], but I do this one thing: I forget about the things behind me and reach out for the things ahead of me.  The goal I pursue is the prize of God's upward call in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:13-14 (CEB)

And I've been thinking about the future

I hope someday I'll get away

But the current keeps bringing me back around

Seems the only place for me is underground

From "The Current" by Blue Man Group

This year, I made a heretofore unannounced commitment to post an introspection on this blog every month.  My goal for the year is to build up my sense of self-worth and to gain some self-confidence in the process, and I'm hoping that writing these more personal blog posts will provide both the motivation and the accountability I need to keep moving forward on my journey.  Writing these introspective posts has required me to regularly "check in with myself" through journaling, and I feel like I've been staring into a proverbial abyss lately.

Recently, I realized that, for far too long, the story I've been telling myself about my life has been a story of loss - a story that is not at all true.  Basically, I've been so busy lamenting the losses I've suffered in recent years that I have failed to appreciate what is good in my life and have failed to see that I actually have more than I had previously.

Since then, I've been seeing more and more how much I've been living in the past.

Something I realized earlier this year is that, at this time in my life, I don't have any long-term goals or aspirations.  A couple of weeks ago, I told a friend of mine that I think I need to learn how to dream again, because lately, instead of dreams, all I've had is cynicism and sour grapes.  It was an interesting choice of words.  Originally cynics were people who eschewed worldly pleasures in favor of spiritual virtues, but nowadays cynicism is a general distrust of people.¹  Sour grapes is the tendency to denigrate what one has not been able to attain.  The term originates from one of Aesop's fables, in which a fox tries to reach some grapes hanging high over the ground, until he finally gives up, telling himself that the grapes are probably sour.²

I think that both my cynicism and my sour grapes stem from disappointment.  The former results from disappointment in other people, while the latter results from disappointment in life.

My preferred form of exercise is walking.  Walking offers me the opportunity to not only burn off some calories but also to sort through my thoughts while enjoying the sights and sounds of nature or other people, provided that I keep my phone in my pocket.  Lately I've realized that I have an emotionally masochistic tendency to walk around at places that make me feel wistful.  I often walk at my alma mater, where I see the familiar sights of campus and long for my college days, or at a local shopping mall, where I see a lot of teenagers and long for my own teenage years.  I often wish that I could turn back the clock so that I could make better use of my younger days.

I complain about being stuck in life, but I'm starting to think that one of the things keeping me stuck is living in the past.  I've been living from a place of loss, disappointment, and regret, all of which are rooted in the past.  Instead of fixating on what was, what could have been, and what should have been, I need to be focused on what is and what can be.

Lately I've realized that, if I want to make some positive internal changes, I need to pay attention to what I think, say, and do, so that I can catch myself in old patterns and make corrections.

Until recently, I enjoyed breakfast with my mother and my grandmother at my grandmother's house on Saturdays.  For the last few months, my grandmother has been in a nursing home, recovering from some health issues, so my mother and I have been enjoying our Saturday breakfast at various restaurants.  One restaurant we have frequented is in an old mall, where most of the stores have been leased out to nearby institutions of higher learning.  Students can actually take courses at this University Center.³

Two weeks ago, after breakfast, my mother and I walked around the University Center and looked at the institutions represented there.  I remembered a day from the year I took off between high school and college, when my father drove me to the University Center so that I could inquire about taking a mathematics course from the university I wanted to attend.  I don't remember exactly what I was told, but I believe I was informed that the course I wanted to take was a sophomore-level course and then referred to the regular admission process.  I told my mother that I was looking forward to my life back then but that I just look back on my life nowadays.

Last week, my mother and I ate breakfast at the TRee House Cafe & Studio, which is, as its name implies, a place where one can grab a meal and a cup of coffee and also paint a piece of art.⁴  The TRee House is very close to the church I now attend, so I usually enjoy brunch and coffee there with a good friend of mine after church.  I introduced my mother to the owner of the cafe and to an employee I usually see on Sundays, and I recommended that she try the breakfast panini I often order.

On one Saturday morning, I was living in the past, but, on the next, I was very much living in the present.  I had unwittingly taken a step in the right direction.  I need to figure out how I can keep taking steps that will keep me in the present.  I need to watch for times when I speak or act out of disappointment and times when I do something that makes me long for the past.  Perhaps one step is to start taking my walks at the parks in my city or on the trail that runs by my church.

There is no way for me to relive or redo the past, so it is pointless for me to waste my time longing for it.  I need to live my life with my back turned on the past, my feet planted in the present, and my eyes turned toward the future.


Notes:

1. Wikipedia: "Cynicism (contemporary)"
2. Wikipedia: "The Fox and the Grapes"
3. https://greenville.org/
4. https://www.facebook.com/KCafalunch/

The photograph of the tire stuck in sand was taken by Alex Borland and has been released to the public domain.  The photographer is in no way affiliated with this blog.

Perspective: Be Careful Whom You Call "Lost"

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.

Comments are always welcomed.

If you find these thoughts helpful, please share.

Be Careful Whom You Call "Lost"

For the Son of Man came to seek out and to save the lost.

Luke 19:10 (NRSV)

Hello, it's Me

I couldn't sleep

I was just counting sheep

And I'm missing you

From "Bring You Back" by Paul Alan

If I had to choose a favorite kind of Bible passage, I would have to choose the parables of Jesus.  The parables, I believe, are not meant to teach us a singular lesson, but are rather meant to engage our imaginations with the goals of disrupting our normal ways of thinking, liberating us of our assumptions about reality, and revealing to us important truths about ourselves.  In other words, they mess with our heads.  It seems that, no matter how deeply I've dug into a parable, there are always more riches to be mined if I just keep digging.

Jesus had a reputation for associating with the types of people who were generally ostracized by the "good, upstanding religious folk" of the day - tax collectors, prostitutes, and the like.  One day, while teaching a crowd, He overhears some of His critics expressing their disapproval for His hanging out and eating with so-called "sinners," so He begins telling a series of parables.¹

First, Jesus tells a story about a shepherd who has one hundred sheep in his charge.  One day, the shepherd notices that one of the sheep is missing, so he leaves the ninety-nine where they are and heads out to look for the missing one.  When he finally finds the missing sheep, he picks it up, places it on his shoulders, and carries it back home.  Overjoyed, he calls on his friends and neighbors to join him in celebrating the recovery of the lost sheep.

Next, Jesus tells a story about a woman who has saved up ten drachmas - silver coins each of which is worth a day's wages.  One day, the woman notices that she is missing one of her coins, so she starts cleaning and searching her house.  When she finally finds her missing coin, she calls on her friends and neighbors to join her in celebrating the recovery of her lost coin.

These two parables establish a certain pattern:

1. Somebody realizes that something important to him or her is missing.
2. He or she searches for it until it is found.
3. Full of joy, the searcher celebrates because he or she has recovered what was lost.

In the first parable, a shepherd realizes that he is missing one of his sheep, so he searches for the sheep until he finds it and then invites his friends and neighbors to celebrate with him.  In the second parable, a woman realizes that she is missing a coin, so she searches her house until she finds it and then invites her friends and neighbors to celebrate with her.

Jesus then goes on to tell what is probably His most famous parable, a story about a rich man who has two sons.

One day, the younger of the two sons approaches his father and requests his share of the family fortune.  The father gives his son his inheritance, and, a few days later, the son moves far from home and begins living a life of wine, women, and song.  Eventually, his money dries up, and, to make matters worse, a famine strikes the land.  Desperate, the young man starts working for a pig farmer.  As he turns a lustful eye toward the junk he's feeding the pigs, he remembers how well his father treats his servants.  He decides to return home, apologize to his father, and beg his father to hire him as a servant.

When the son arrives at home, his father sees him from a distance and runs out to embrace him.  Before the son can even make his spiel, the father has him dressed in fine clothes and throws him a welcome home party.

Jesus' third parable seems to break with the pattern established by the first two.  A son leaves his home with his inheritance and squanders all of it by living a debauched lifestyle.  When he returns home, his father celebrates by throwing him a welcome home party.  It could be said that the father "loses" a son and celebrates when this son is "found," but, unlike the shepherd who searches for his lost sheep and the woman who searches for her lost coin, the father does not search for his "lost" son.  The shepherd is concerned enough about his lost sheep to leave his other sheep and search for it, and the woman is concerned enough about her lost coin to turn her house upside down looking for it, but the father doesn't seem very concerned about his "lost" son.

I wonder if maybe the father doesn't go out and look for his younger son because he knows that his son isn't really "lost" in the first place.  All the time, sons and daughters forsake their upbringing, spend some time living their lives on their own terms, come to realize how foolish they have been, and then get their lives back on track.  Are these sons and daughters ever really "lost," or is straying from one's upbringing only to eventually return to it just a part of growing up?  Perhaps the father realizes that his younger son is just going through a rebellious phase and that he will come to his senses eventually.

The Amish, who are known for their separation from modern society, their simplistic lifestyle, and their strict religiosity, have a practice called Rumspringa.  The enforcement of the Amish communities' rules are relaxed for teenagers, and a certain amount of misbehavior is expected and even overlooked.  Some youths even leave their homes for a while to see what the world is like outside their communities.  Ultimately, Amish youths will have to choose for themselves whether they will join their church and take on the expectations of their communities or leave the communities entirely.  A majority choose to remain within their communities, and even some of those who initially choose to leave eventually return.²

There is a second part to Jesus' third parable.

While the younger son was out living life on his own terms, the older son has been at home, working hard for his father.  While working in the field, the older son hears music and dancing, so he asks one of the servants what is going on.  The servant tells him that his brother has returned and that his father has thrown him a welcome home party.  The older son is livid.  His worthless brother leaves home, squanders their father's money doing God knows what, and then has the damn nerve to show his face at home, and then the old man throws him a party.  The older son has worked hard for his father and has never given him any grief whatsoever.  Where was his party?

The father notices that his older son is absent from the party, so he goes out to look for him.  When he finds his son, he pleads with him to join the celebration.  The son tells his father off, comparing himself to a slave and criticizing his father for his apparent lack of appreciation of him and for his favoritism toward his brother.  The father replies, "Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours.  But we had to celebrate and rejoice, because this brother of yours was dead and has come to life; he was lost and has been found."

It is the latter part of this third parable that more closely follows the pattern established by the first two.  While throwing a welcome home party for the younger son, the father realizes that the older son is missing, so he goes out and searches for him.³  There is indeed a "lost" son in this parable, but perhaps the lost son is not the rebellious younger son who leaves home to live life on his own terms for a while, but rather the well-behaved older son who stays at home, does everything that is expected of him, and silently grows resentful.  In the words of Kent Dobson, "Maybe the one you've lost is sleeping in your own house."⁴

Unfortunately, we do not know if the father gets to celebrate the recovery of his lost son.

With the first two parables, Jesus teaches His critics that He came to seek the lost.  With the third parable, He subtly suggests that they, and not the "sinners" who are drawn to Him, are the ones who are really lost.  "Sinners," represented by the younger son, are drawn to Jesus because He offers them the grace they need, grace denied to them by the typical religious folk, represented by the older son.

We need to be careful whom we label "lost."  People who screw up and make big messes of their lives are not necessarily lost.  Many of them would happily return home, spiritually speaking, and turn their lives around, but they need to know that they will be welcomed and accepted, in the same way that Jesus embraced the tax collectors, prostitutes, and other so-called "sinners."  The people who are truly lost are the ones who sit in churches every Sunday and look down their noses at the rest of the world.  They honor Christ with their lips, but their hearts are actually far from Him.⁵  What is truly tragic is that they don't even realize how lost they are.

The hazard of being religious is the temptation to forget how messed up we are.  We think that, for some reason, we have a special relationship with God, and we set ourselves apart as insiders among outsiders.  We focus on the wrongdoings of others, while developing a giant blind spot around ourselves.

Like so many of Jesus' parables, the Parable of the Prodigal Son is, I think, meant to comfort the afflicted and to afflict the comfortable.  It is a comfort to those of us who are far from home, spiritually speaking, for it reminds us that we are always welcome to come home.  It is an affliction to those of us who have become complacent and self-righteous, for it warns us that we might be further from home than we think.  We're truly lost when we don't realize how lost we are.  May we be self-aware, and may we put aside our judgment as we seek to become like the One who welcomed the outcasts.


Notes:

1. A majority of this blog post is based on Luke 15.  Quotations are taken from the New Revised Standard Version
2. Wikipedia: "Rumspringa"
3. Kent Dobson.  "Parables: Prodigal Son."  Mars Hill Bible Church podcast, 06/21/2015.
4. ibid.
5. Adapted from Isaiah 29:13

The Return of the Prodigal Son was painted by Pompeo Batoni in 1773.

Introspection: Goodbye, Bethel UMC

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.

Comments are always welcomed.

If you find these thoughts helpful, please share.

Goodbye, Bethel UMC

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.  For if they fall, one will lift up the other; but woe to one who is alone and falls and does not have another to help.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (NRSV)

Now, don't hang on

Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky

It slips away

And all your money won't another minute buy

From "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas

Jacob was on the run.  He had cheated his brother a second time, and now his brother wanted blood.¹  He stopped for the night, and, using a rock as a pillow, he went to sleep.  As Jacob dreamed, he saw a ladder that extended up to heaven, and he watched as angels ascended and descended the ladder.  He heard the voice of God, who promised to bless him, to protect him, and to someday bring him back to his homeland.  When Jacob awoke, he exclaimed, "Surely the Lord is in this place - and I did not know it!"  He used the rock on which he had slept to build a monument, and he named the place Bethel, which means "House of God."²

Years later, Jacob returned to Bethel with his family to worship the God who met him there.³

On a Wednesday afternoon in the middle of June, I left work early to go to a dentist appointment.  Two weeks earlier, the dentist found several cavities that needed to be filled.  On that same day, a special meeting was held at Bethel United Methodist Church, the church I attended for most of my life, to discuss the future of the church.  After my appointment, I called my mom to ask how the meeting went.

She informed me that Bethel would soon close.

The last few years have been difficult for me, and the closure of my home church is just the latest in a series of painful losses in my life.  Though I had stopped regularly attending Bethel nearly two years ago, I could still go back to visit any time I wanted.  In fact, I've gone back to fill in for the pastor on a number of occasions.  Soon I will no longer have such opportunities.  With that in mind, I decided to start attending Bethel again until the day it closes, to say goodbye to my home church and to be with the congregation during this difficult time.  I've even had the opportunity to teach Sunday school a couple of times.

The story of Creation, as told by the stained glass windows
at Bethel United Methodist Church

I have a lot of conflicting feelings about Bethel.  Often the youngest person in a small, aging congregation, I felt that my needs were not always met, so I was frequently turning to early contemporary services and young adult Bible studies at other churches.  I was frustrated that I had to juggle numerous roles in the church, many of which I had no business filling.  I look back with disappointment and even anger at the times when problems in the church fractured the congregation and kept the church from succeeding in ministry.  When I learned that Bethel was closing, I felt guilty for abandoning my church and for failing to do so many things that might have helped my church.

This morning, during Bethel's penultimate service, the people of the congregation had the opportunity to share some words of remembrance.  For me, the service was an opportunity to look past my regrets and my frustrations and to remember why I am thankful, for Bethel played an important part in my spiritual journey.  The good does not negate the bad; but neither does the bad negate the good.  Both are held in a messy tension with each other.

The sanctuary of Bethel United Methodist Church
before the penultimate service

What follows is what I said to the congregation this morning.

For eleven long years of my life, I attended a Christian school attached to a fundamentalist church.  From the time I entered the second grade through my senior year of high school, I had to follow some very stringent rules, and I was frequently exposed to guilt-inducing preaching and "hellfire and brimstone" evangelism.  My hair was checked monthly to ensure it was the proper length; I was constantly warned about the evils of rock music; and periodically I was asked in chapel - "with every head bowed and every eye closed" - to raise my hand if I was certain that I would to heaven if I died.

By the time I graduated from high school, I knew that I needed to be a Christian - or else - but I wasn't quite sure I really wanted to be a Christian.  I felt that I had to choose between being a "real Christian" and actually enjoying my life, and, truth be told, I feared hell more than I loved Jesus.  At that time, I didn't really know very much about Methodism, but I had been attending Bethel United Methodist Church on Sunday mornings ever since I was in utero.  What I did know was that this church was, for lack of a better term, a safe place.  I knew that, at Bethel, I would not be burdened with a bunch of strict, petty rules and that I probably would not be threatened with eternal damnation.  Bethel was a safe place for me to continue attending church while I figured out what it meant to be a Christian.

I attended college, where my perceptions of Christianity changed radically.  Many of the things I had been taught at school were deconstructed; I met other Methodists my own age; I came to see that enjoying life was not incompatible with following Jesus; and I learned things about the Methodist tradition that I loved.  What I failed to do in college was to adequately think through what I really wanted to do with my life.  I chose my major based not on what I loved, but on what was practical.  I chose to study computer science when I probably would have been happier studying religion or philosophy.  I graduated from college, and, a few months later, I ended up working as a software engineer for a casino vendor.  I previously did not have any serious moral objection to gambling, but I soon found that the shame of working in such a godless industry followed me everywhere I went, like a foul odor.  Over time, I came to realize that my employers wanted a lot more from me than I was willing to give them.

For months I prayed that God would get me out of my predicament.  As I started to rethink my purpose in life, I somehow came up with the utterly ridiculous idea that I should try new things like preaching and teaching Sunday school.  I had no idea what I was doing, but you, the people of Bethel United Methodist Church, lent me your ears anyway.  You gave me the space I needed to cultivate what turned out to be my spiritual gifts.  I am not certain I would have had such an opportunity in most other churches.  Eventually I was given a way out the job I hated, and I was given the opportunity to take a programming job in higher education, a job in which I could take pride.  I continued to preach and teach here, and you continued to listen to me and encourage me.  Because you all believed in me, I was recently approved to be certified as a Lay Speaker.

About two years ago, my life's journey led me away from this congregation, but I want you all to know that, since then, I have attended church every week I was able to do so.  The habit of regular church attendance is ingrained into me, because my mother and my grandparents made sure that I was here at Bethel United Methodist Church every week as I grew up.  Over the years, I have learned more and more the importance of being in fellowship with other Christians.

I say these things not to brag but to express the fact that I owe a lot to you, the congregation of Bethel United Methodist Church.  As Christians, we need each other, because the journey of faith is not a journey we were ever meant to take by ourselves.  I have a long way to go on my own journey of faith, and any progress I have made on my journey I owe to the people who believed in me, walked with me, encouraged me, taught me, pushed me, and gave me room to grow.  You are among these people, and this morning I want to offer you all my heartfelt thanks and to leave you with some words from the message to the Hebrews,
Let's hold on to the confession of our hope without wavering, because the one who made the promises is reliable.
And let us consider each other carefully for the purpose of sparking love and good deeds.  Don't stop meeting together with other believers, which some people have gotten into the habit of doing.  Instead, encourage each other, especially as you see the day drawing near.⁴

Thank you all for everything you have done for me.  May God bless all of you on your journeys ahead.

From time to time, people ask whether or not someone really needs to go to church in order to be a Christian.  We can debate what "church" is - a building, an event, an organization, a community, or some combination - and we can discuss whether or not all the things that are currently associated with churches are actually necessary or beneficial.  What I think is undeniable is the reality that we are better off journeying with others through life.  As I said to my congregation, the journey of faith is not a journey we were ever meant to take by ourselves.  Following in the footsteps of Christ can be difficult and even treacherous at times, so we Christians need each other whether we like it or not.

I read the passage from Hebrews because I think it highlights why believers need to be in fellowship with each other.  First, in a world where a constant barrage of bad news can leave us feeling hopeless, we need to hear the Gospel story proclaimed on a regular basis so that we are constantly reminded of why we have hope.  Second, we need be around people who will bring out the best in us by challenging us to become more loving, more compassionate, and more generous, lest we grow complacent by ourselves.  Third, we need to be around people who will encourage us, because life has a way of grinding us down.

Next week, the congregation of Bethel United Methodist Church will hold their final service.  The building in which we met will hopefully be bought by the new Anglican congregation with whom we have recently been sharing space.  I will return to Travelers Rest United Methodist Church, where I had been attending church for more than a year, and I will likely become a member.  I will continue my life with an ache in my heart, knowing that another part of my life and my past is gone.

The building in which the congregation
of Bethel United Methodist Church met

Notes:

1. Genesis 27
2. Genesis 28:10-22 (NRSV)
3. Genesis 35:1-4
4. Hebrews 10:23-25 (CEB)

The photographs featured in this introspection were taken by me at Bethel United Methodist Church before and after the penultimate service.

Perspective: Good Grief

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.

Comments are always welcomed.

If you find these thoughts helpful, please share.

Good Grief

A broken spirit is my sacrifice, God.

You won't despise a heart, God, that is broken and crushed.

Psalm 51:17 (CEB)

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

From "The Reason" by Hoobastank

St. Paul had a rather complicated relationship with the church in Corinth.  He originally planted this community with the help of his friends Priscilla and Aquila.¹  Later on, after another evangelist named Apollos began shepherding the community in Paul's absence, people began splintering into factions, some pledging allegiance to Paul and others to Apollos.  Paul wrote a rather lengthy letter to the Corinthians to remind them that, as the Church, their allegiance is to Christ and not to any of Christ's followers and to address a number of the other problems that had been plaguing the community.²

Later on, Paul paid the Corinthian church a visit that went rather badly, to say the least.  We don't know the details, but some speculate that someone publicly humiliated Paul.³  Afterward, he wrote the community an extremely harsh letter, sometimes called the "Letter of Tears," that, by his own admission, caused a great deal of pain for many people.⁴  In a later correspondence with the Corinthians, Paul admitted that he initially regretted sending the letter that caused them so much pain, but went on to write that he was glad that their pain ultimately caused them to rethink their lives and change their ways.  He remarked that their grief was not "worldly grief" that leads to death, but rather "godly grief" that leads to repentance.⁵

So what exactly is the difference between "worldly grief" and "godly grief"?

Judging from the results of each kind of grief, I would say that a worldly grief that leads to death is despair and that a godly grief that leads to positive change is contrition.  That said, I want to dig a little deeper into the question at hand and also examine the words worldly and godly.  Though Christians are exhorted to not "be conformed to the patterns of this world"⁶ and to not "love the world or the things in the world,"⁷ people cannot fully extricate themselves from the world.  Furthermore, even people who strive for godliness have been shaped by the world around them.

The way we look at the world matters.  The truth is that we all view reality through lenses, whether or not we realize or acknowledge the fact.  Many Christians have been handed a lens of judgment.  Basically, they understand that some people, whom some might call sheep, will ultimately go to Heaven and that others, whom some might label goats, will suffer for ever and ever in Hell as punishment for their sins.⁸  The Bible, when read through such a lens, becomes a handbook for becoming a sheep as opposed to a goat so that the one's eternal destiny is secure.  Some Christians might even understand themselves to be at war with a world of goats who threaten to drag them down to Hell with them.

I was handed such a lens when I was young, and it scared me out of my mind.  Even now, I try not to think too much about the afterlife.  In my journey of faith, I've sought to leave behind a lens of judgment and to adopt a lens of redemption.  I strive to read the Bible as a story of a loving God who has not given up on putting a broken world back together again.⁹  Though judgment will be involved in the process, God is not interested in simply taking out the trash.  According to biblical scholar N.T. Wright,
God's authority vested in scripture is designed, as all God's authority is designed, to liberate human beings, to judge and condemn evil and sin in the world in order to set people free to be fully human.  That's what God is in the business of doing.¹⁰
The question then is whether or not we want to get on board with what God is doing and take part in this redemptive story.

Some people use the word fallen to describe this broken world, while others might say that the world is going to hell in a handbasket.  However one might describe the fact, this messed-up world, left to itself, is on a downward trajectory.  On the other hand, God, who is in the business of redemption, is working to put the world back on an upward trajectory.¹¹  With that in mind, perhaps one could say that worldly grief is something that drags a person down and that godly grief is something that is redemptive, ultimately building a person up.  Perhaps, in this case, one could substitute the word unredeemed for worldly.

I wonder if maybe the difference between worldly grief and godly grief is not what ultimately results from the grief, but rather the way that the grief is channeled.  Perhaps worldly grief is used in a destructive way, while godly grief is used in a redemptive way.

Some people use their "darker" emotions constructively: they work through them, become stronger, and develop empathy.  Some might even create art in the process.  Others use such emotions like a blade to slash themselves apart, turning to destructive attitudes, actions, or habits that become their undoing.  These are the same emotions, but they are channeled in different ways.  The Christians in Corinth channeled the grief Paul caused them constructively, and, as a result, they became better people for it.

As for me, on my best days, I work through my worst emotions constructively, but, more often than I would like to admit, I handle such emotions in less than constructive ways.  So often I feel that, after a difficult season, there is less of me than there was beforehand.

If you are currently dealing with some difficult emotions, I would offer you three pieces of advice.  I offer this advice not as a licensed therapist, but as a rather emotional person.  First, let your emotions be an offering to God, the One who is in the business of redemption, and allow God to guide you as you work through them.  Second, open up about your emotions to people you can trust.  You might even need to seek professional counseling.  I wouldn't recommend that anyone attempt to go through life alone.  Third, find a creative outlet.  As you can probably tell, I like to write.  A lot of my writing is cathartic, and I find that when I put my feelings on paper - or rather a text document - I feel better afterward.

Grief is something we all experience as human beings, regardless of whether someone would classify us as worldly or godly.  Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once mused, "That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."  Though we cannot always control our emotions, we are still the owners of our emotions, meaning that we can decide whether they kill us or strengthen us.  Choosing to live out a story of redemption makes a world of difference.


Notes:

1. Acts 18:1-11
2. 1 Corinthians.
3. See the notes on 2 Corinthians 2:1-11 in the Wesley Study Bible.  2009, Abingdon Press.
4. Wikipedia: Second Epistle to the Corinthians
5. 2 Corinthians 7:8-10 (NRSV)
6. Romans 12:2 (CEB)
7. 1 John 2:15 (CEB)
8. Matthew 25:31-46
9. John 3:16-17
10. From a lecture by N.T. Wright titled "How Can the Bible Be Authoritative?"
11. In the book Who Is This Man?, John Ortberg explores many ways in which the world has become a better place because of Jesus.  2012, Zondervan.

The photograph featured in this post was taken by Wikimedia Commons user Specialtoyoutoyou and is used under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 4.0 International license.  The photographer is in no way affiliated with this blog.

Introspection: The Purposeless Undriven Life

I share these thoughts, hoping they are of help to someone else.

The Purpose(less) (un)Driven Life

Scripture:

So be careful how you live; be mindful of your steps. Don't run around like idiots as the rest of the world does. Instead, walk as the wise! Make the most of every living and breathing moment because these are evil times. So understand and be confident in God's will, and don't live thoughtlessly.

Ephesians 5:15-17 (The Voice)

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
This is your life, and today is all you've got now
Yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes

This is your life: Are you who you want to be?
This is your life: Are you who you want to be?
This is your life: Is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose?

From "This Is Your Life" by Switchfoot

In the summer of 2007, I had a part-time job at the university from which I had recently graduated, and I was looking for something more permanent. I attended a job fair, and, when I saw the intimidating job requirements for computer-programming jobs at local businesses, I began to feel as though I was ill-equipped for the job market, despite having a bachelor's degree in computer science. Afraid I would be unable to find a job, I decided to take some daytime classes at a local technical college in order to pad my resume.

As soon as I started taking these classes, I was contacted by a small business in my town. After a couple of meetings, I was offered a job as a software engineer. My future boss and my future supervisor then informed me that they would not allow me to work part time while I finished my courses. I had my heart set on finishing these courses, and it was already too late for me to drop the classes and receive a refund. I didn't want to abandon my classes, and I had a bad feeling about the company, but, without any work experience as a programmer, what option did I have but to accept the job offer? Upset and frustrated, I drove to my alma mater to take a walk around campus. I decided to take the job, and, luckily, my instructors allowed me to finish the courses online.

It has been nearly five years since I faced that difficult decision, but many times since then I have found myself returning to the walkways of my alma mater to clear my head, to collect my thoughts, or to simply get some much-needed exercise. The cultivated landscape of the campus juxtaposed to the untamed overgrowth of the surrounding woods evokes a sense of oneness and harmony between humanity and the Creator.

Last week, I visited the campus once again for a customary walk. As I turned a corner and was struck with the vivid green of the trees and the grass, I felt a twinge of sadness within my heart. To be honest, this was not an isolated incident: it is actually somewhat common for me to feel a little sad when I walk around campus. At first, I thought that the sadness resulted from nostalgia, for so often I find myself wishing that I could turn back time to when I was a freshman in college and relive my college experience.

As I took a closer look at my feelings last week, I realized that the sadness I felt was not from nostalgia but rather from regret. I want to turn back the clock, not so I can relive my college years, but so I can redo my college years.

In May of 2009, when I attended the Salkehatchie Summer Service¹ young-adult camp for the first time, I had the opportunity to spend an afternoon at the beach. As I walked on the beach, I saw a jellyfish that had washed up with the tide. I was reminded of an illustration I heard from one of my teachers when I was in school. Jellyfish typically don't swim: they simply float with the current. Because of this, they sometimes end up in undesirable situations, stranded on the beach to die, for example. Similarly, people should not float through life aimlessly, else they might suffer a fate similar to a beached jellyfish.

I had come to a personal understanding of that analogy, because I had been floating through life. The truth is that I had no ambitions, no aspirations, no hopes, no dreams, and no plans for my life: I simply did what was expected of me. I was always expected to attend college, so I attended college. I majored in computer science because it would enable me to get a job, as I was expected to do, though I knew, deep down, that I didn't really want a job in that field. I did what was expected of me, not putting any thought into what I truly wanted to do. I floated through college, and, instead of pursuing a life I truly loved, I became another "working class hero."

A few months after I graduated from college, I accepted a job as a computer engineer with a casino vendor. One evening shortly after I accepted this job, I took another walk around my alma mater and found myself feeling somewhat lost. I had done everything that was expected of me: I finished college and found a job. Now what? The recurring aches I experience while walking around campus had begun.

As time went by, my first job as a computer programmer turned out to be a job I really did not want, a job I hated telling people I did, a job I could not take seriously, a job that demanded more from me than I was willing to put into it. It was at this time in my life I realized the error of my ways. By floating through college, I had let a world of opportunities slip through my hands.

Each participant at the work camp I attended was asked to try to find a symbol that represented his or her experience. I chose the stranded jellyfish I had seen and confessed to everyone that I had floated through life and ended up somewhere I did not want to be. I told everyone that we all need to find the divine current in life, the path Christ has prepared for us, and to swim with it with all we have.²

This is why I experience feelings of longing when I take walks at my alma mater. This is why I want to rewind my life and redo my college experience. To be honest, I would actually need to rewind my life a few years beyond that. Not only did not fully engage my college experience, I did not fully engage my high-school experience either. For eleven years, I went to a religious school with strict rules and a "hellfire-and-brimstone" theology. I graduated at the top of my class, but, by the time of my senior year, I had already "checked out" in every other way. I feared hell more than I loved God, and I felt that, if I were to truly be a Christian, I would not enjoy life very much.

Furthermore, during my senior year I failed to prepare for college. I did not take the SAT until March, so it was already too late to apply to the colleges of choice, and I still did not have a driver's license. I ended up taking a year off between high school and college, and, besides being accepted to the only college to which I applied, the only thing I accomplished that year was completing driving lessons.

I wish I could rewind the last fourteen years - the latter half of my life - and do everything over again, knowing what I know now. I wish I had worked out my religious issues so that I could truly make the most of my high-school experience. I wish I had entered college with some sense of direction in life so that I could find a true calling and not just a job.

Jesus once told a story about three people who are each entrusted with a large sum of money. Two of them invest their money aggressively and double the amount they were given, while the third plays it safe and buries his money. When their boss returns, the first two are rewarded, and the third is severely punished.³ In this story, the rich man divvies up his money in amounts ironically called talents, but I believe that this parable is about so much more than how people should invest their money or their abilities. I am convinced that this story is about how people are called to invest their entire lives.⁴

Some people seek out their passion, that thing that drives them; they grab life by the horns; and they pursue their calling with all the gusto they can muster. These are the people represented by the first two servants who invest their talents boldly. These are the people who truly invest the lives God entrusted to them. Meanwhile, there are other people who simply drift through the currents of the world around them or end up burying themselves in a meaningless rut, letting life pass them by. Like the useless third servant, they bury all of their God-given potential and waste their lives.

I confess that, for much of my life, I have lived like the useless third servant, for I buried myself just like the servant buried his talent. I didn't do the hard work necessary to figure out what drives me, and I didn't seek out the path God was calling me to take in this life. I wasn't bold or adventurous enough to seek out new opportunities or to explore the God-given potential that lay sleeping within me.

Sadly, I will never have the chance to go back into the past to fix the mistakes I made in my life. I will never be able to recover the years I wasted drifting through life. I am still living with the regret of wasting the opportunities I was offered when I was younger. The good news, though, is that I do not have to keep making the same mistakes I made in the past. I am still alive, so it is not too late for me to do something with my life.

I am thankful that God gave me the opportunity to work in the gambling industry, for it taught me the consequences of living without purpose or direction in life. When I was laid off from that job, I sought another programming job, but I put more thought into where I wanted to work. I found a job in higher education, and, though I cannot say I am passionate about my job, I can say that now I take pride in what I do. Also, since I realized the error of my ways, I have unearthed and developed parts of myself that lay dormant, and this blog is proof of that. Thankfully, I have people in my life who believe in me and are pushing me and encouraging me as I explore these new pathways in my life.

In Jesus' story, the rich man invited the two servants who invested boldly to "enter into the joy of [their] master." The rich man sent the lazy third servant "into the outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."⁵ I can personally attest to the fact that, when one drifts through life into a dark place where he or she does not want to be, there is indeed a great deal of "weeping and gnashing of teeth." I can also attest to the fact that there is indeed joy in finding meaning and purpose in what one does.

I am convinced that usually the things we leave undone will come back to haunt us more than our missteps.⁶ To you the reader, I encourage you not to drift through life, but to live with purpose. If you are drifting right now, realize that, like a jellyfish stranded on the beach, you might end up somewhere you do not want to go. Instead, find what drives you and pursue your calling with all you have. If you have missed out on opportunities in the past, realize that regret does not have to be the end of the story, for while you are yet alive it is not too late to turn your life around.


Notes:
1 - http://www.salkehatchie.org/
2 - To read what I said that night, see my introspection "Jellyfish and Currents."
3 - Matthew 25:14-30
4 - For more thoughts on this reading of the Parable of the Talents, see my perspective "A Life, Unearthed."
5 - Matthew 25:23,30 (NRSV)
6 - If you want to see my scriptural basis for this belief, read all of Matthew 25.

The photograph of the landscape was taken by me at Furman University.  The photograph of the jellyfish was taken by Lee R. Berger and is used under the GNU Free Documentation License.


If you have any feedback, thoughts, stories, or even arguments to contribute, please leave comments.

Introspection: If I Only Had a Time Machine

I share these thoughts, hoping they are of help to someone else.

If I Only Had a Time Machine

Scripture:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart."

Jeremiah 29:11-13 (TNIV)

There is hope for me yet
Because God won’t forget
All the plans He’s made for me
I have to wait and see
He’s not finished with me yet

From "Wait and See" by Brandon Heath

When I was younger, one of my favorite computer games was Buried in Time. In this game, the player takes on the role of a time traveler who jumps back to various points in the past to investigate changes made to the course of history. It was the player's job to find all changes made to the past and to figure out who made the changes.

One of the game's antagonists was a sea-dwelling alien who sought to obtain a time machine for himself. Embittered by the physical limitations of his species and the dependence on other alien races that resulted, his desire was to go back in time to change the evolutionary history of his race. He wanted his people not to be confined to the seas. He wanted his people not to be dependent on other races for technology, but to be conquerors. He wanted his species to be "better" than it was.

So many times I have desired to go back in time to change my own personal evolution so that I could be someone "better" than who I am. So often I think that if I could change key points in my own history I could be someone besides an unmarried introvert who often questions his career choice. So often I say to myself, "If only." If only I had spent more time with other children when I was young, I would not be so shy and quiet now. If only I had had a better attitude in high school, I would have made the most of that time and would be better off for it. If only I had been more open-minded back in college, I might truly know my calling in life.

Judging from conversations I have had with others, I think most people have these kinds of thoughts. I think that as people grow older, gain more life experience, and become wiser for the wear, they start to look back on their past and see mistakes they have made or paths they should have taken. If only they had made different choices, their life would be better now. Maybe you, the reader, feel this way too.

In the Biblical history of Israel, the Israelites make a lot of bad choices. Eventually they are conquered by enemy nations and find themselves in exile. During this time marked with despair and regret, the prophet Jeremiah reminds the Israelites that God has a plan and a purpose for them, and that God is always there for them if they just call out to Him and seek Him wholeheartedly.

I believe that what God had to say to the exiled Israelites applies for each of us as well. No matter what mistakes we have made, God is always there for us if we seek Him. No matter what wrong turns we have made on our journey of life, God has a plan and a purpose for each of us. No matter what we are going through, we can find hope and joy in the Lord. Even if our lives did not turn out the way we wanted, God knows what is best for us.

St. Paul, in his letter to the Romans, writes "We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose."¹ I am not quite convinced that everything happens for a reason, but I am convinced that God can bring something good out of anything that happens. Life will not always be like we want it to be. We are going to make mistakes. We are going to hurt other people, and other people are going to hurt us. Despite our mistakes and our disappointments, we can have the confidence that God will make everything to work out for the best.

It is impossible to change the past, no matter how much we desire to do so. Time machines exist only in books, movies, and video games. Instead of wishing that we could go back in time to rewrite our pasts, let's start looking to God to write our futures.


Notes:
1 - Romans 8:28

If you have any feedback, thoughts, stories, or even arguments to contribute, please leave comments.