Notes from the Wayside: Introspection: A Year of Gratitude

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A Year of Gratitude

Give thanks in every situation because this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 (CEB)

Just open your eyes

And see that life is beautiful

From "Life Is Beautiful" by Sixx:A.M.

I've started making it a practice, at the end of each year, to look back over the past twelve months and to close out my year by writing one last introspection. At the end of last year, I noted that I tend to lose sight of the good things in my life because I'm preoccupied with what's less than ideal. With that in mind, I decided to make a New Year's resolution to become more grateful. My first step, which turned out to be my only step, was to record, at the end of each day, at least one thing for which I was grateful. My hope was that, if I practiced gratitude as if I was working out a muscle, I would become more inclined to be grateful and happier in general.

I am proud to say that, for the first time in my life, I actually kept a New Year's resolution! Gratitude is something that must be practiced. Because I started practicing gratitude at the beginning of the year and continued to do so throughout the year, I think is safe to say that I have become more grateful. I think my daily practice has made a difference in my life, for I often take notice of things for which I should be grateful. I have found my daily practice of gratitude so rewarding that I have decided to carry it into the new year, though my focus for the year will be something else.

Back in January, I noted a few lessons I had already learned about gratitude, and I continued to learn about gratitude throughout the year. For example, at the beginning of the year, I was reminded of how important it is to be grateful for the ordinary things of life and to not take them for granted. I have since learned that, in order to learn to be grateful for some things in my life, I have to get a taste of life without them.

One such thing I had taken for granted was a reliable car. In the latter part of 2017, I began having a lot of problems with my car, and, because this particular model is a known lemon, I decided not to invest any more money into it. In February, I had to buy a new car, and suddenly I was grateful to have a car I could trust to go when I pressed the gas pedal and to stop when I pressed the brake pedal. I actually found myself grateful when I was stuck in traffic or stopped at a traffic light, because I didn't have to worry that my car might stall. Getting a new car eliminated a lot of stress from my life.

St. Paul, in one of his letters, encourages his readers to "give thanks in every situation." Several years ago, I heard Ed Dobson, who suffered from ALS, point out that Paul instructs us to give thanks in all things and not for all things.¹ In other words, there are things in life for which we should not be grateful, but we can still find reasons to be grateful in the midst of them. Recently, I heard Diana Butler Bass point out that this nuance actually holds true in the original Greek text, meaning that it was not introduced by the letter's translation into English.²

Remembering these things has helped me to look on the proverbial bright side when things aren't going my way. For example, when I recently picked up some breakfast at a restaurant, I was given the wrong order, and I did not know until it was too late to return it. Though I was not grateful for the mistake, I was still grateful that I had the opportunity to taste something new. I've also found that, though my alarm clock snoozes for nine minutes, I often snooze a lot longer. Though I'm not grateful when I oversleep, I'm still grateful for the extra rest I get as a result.

On a more serious note, sometimes I go through bouts of depression, most of which result from feeling stuck in life. I went through one such bout back in April, and, when I started taking St. John's Wort, an herbal supplement that increases levels of the feel-good neurotransmitter serotonin, I started feeling better. Again, though I was not grateful for the depression or for the situations that contributed to it, I was very grateful when I began to feel relief from it, and I was grateful for the things that give relief.

As I practiced gratitude daily, I learned a few things about transformational practices in general. First, such practices require intentionality. If I was to become more grateful by taking time to record the things for which I was grateful, then I needed to put some thought into what I wrote. There were days when what I wrote was more of an afterthought. Still, an afterthought is better than no thought at all, because transformation requires consistency, and just making the effort to write something helped the habit to solidify. Lastly, transformational practices require grace. There were days when I neglected to write anything, but, when I missed a day, I gave myself some grace and started again the next day.

I've learned that gratitude warrants action. If one is grateful for something, then one should act as if one is grateful. For example, if one is grateful for good weather, then one should find some way to enjoy it. I have been working at my current job for over nine years, and I'm still grateful that I have this job, especially when I remember the job I had previously. That said, I've recently realized that I have not been working as if I'm particularly grateful for my job. I really need to remedy this.

My practice of daily gratitude revealed some other issues in my life. Looking back, I realized that I was often grateful for things related to whatever was occupying my mind at the moment. I had a rather large project at work this year, and I often noted that I was grateful whenever I made progress on it or whenever a demo of the project went well. This perhaps reveals some unnecessary anxiety in my life. Very rarely do things go as horribly as I fear.

I also noticed throughout the year that far too often I wrote that I was grateful that I made good choices, that I was productive at work, that I accomplished something, or that I managed not to screw something up. In other words, I was grateful for reasons not to feel bad about myself. I suspect that, if I want to be truly grateful, I need to get my mind off myself and what I do or don't do and to instead focus on the true gifts of life - things like quality time with family and friends, the kindness of other people, good food and drink, good music, good stories (be they fact, fiction, filmed, written, or spoken), the colors of a sunset, the singing of birds, cool breezes on muggy days, the smell of flowers, restful days, opportunities to learn something new, moments of inspiration, moments of clarity, and the occasional cup of coffee on the house.

My daily practice of gratitude unexpectedly shed light on my anxiety, my insecurity, and my feelings of inadequacy. I suspect that such things might be at least part of what's keeping me stuck. With that in mind, I've decided to focus on cultivating a sense of self-worth in the new year.

I think that maybe there are some intersections between gratitude and self-worth. In July, a friend of mine referred to me as "a great friend" on Facebook. When people say such things about me, I tend to recoil mentally because I don't feel that I deserve them. Immediately the tapes begin playing in my head, repeating, "Not enough." Around that same time, my grandmother said one evening, as I was leaving her house, that she was proud of me. My first impulse was to say something snide, but I resisted that urge and simply thanked her. When people offer me words of affirmation, I need to simply receive them with gratitude, trusting that they know what they're talking about and that they're not just "being nice."

I encourage you, the reader, to develop your own regular practice of gratitude, if you do not already have one. As I noted previously, gratitude probably won't change what is wrong with your life, but it will help you to see that there is more to your life than what is wrong with it. May you journey into the new year with gratitude and with courage, trusting that you are enough.

Notes:

Kent Dobson and Ed Dobson. "Thanks: 2." Mars Hill Bible Church, 11/17/2013.
Jon Scott and Diana Butler Bass. "GRATEFUL TEASER with Dr. Diana Butler Bass." The Holy Heretics Podcast, 11/02/2018.

The photograph of the sky at sunset was taken by me in the parking lot of a local shopping mall.