Notes from the Wayside: Introspection: For a Reason

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For a Reason

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to throw away...

Ecclesiastes 3:1, 6 (NRSV)

Somewhere I will find

All the pieces torn apart

You just left behind

In Your mystery

Somewhere I will see

All You've taken from me

All You kept deep inside

In the mystery of You

From "Mystery of You" by RED

A few years ago, I went through a time of loss. In September of 2015, I realized that the future of the young adult Bible study group I had attended for the last five years was uncertain, and I feared that recent changes at my church, where I was the youngest member by a large margin, would leave me further isolated from my peers. I decided to leave my church and to devote my energy to the Bible study group, but, by the end of the year, it disbanded. The community that meant the world to me was gone. For a number of years, I had been working to become certified as a lay speaker in my denomination, but I figured that, since I had abandoned my church, my preaching "career" was pretty much over.

The church I left, which I attended for most of my life, closed its doors less than two years later.

The church-related losses of late 2015 were not the only losses I experienced in recent years. There have been a number of situations in my family that have kept me feeling stressed out. I've had to mourn the loss of a number of family pets. I've lost faith in people I once admired. I've become disillusioned with things that once gave me hope. As time passes, I've been feeling more and more stuck in life.

Recently, I realized that, for far too long, the story I've been telling myself about my life has been a narrative of loss. The losses I've experienced have indeed been painful, but to focus solely on what I've lost is a failure to properly appreciate what's good in my life. Even after practicing gratitude for more than a year, I've still found myself saying, "I feel like everything good in my life is being chipped away, bit by bit." Truth be told, such a statement does not accurately describe my life.

Six months after I left my previous church, I found my way to the church I now attend, and, over time, I've found my place there. I joined a Sunday school class, which I eventually started leading every few weeks, as I did at my previous church. The class discusses current events in light of faith, so it has stretched me a bit. I also joined a church small group that meets weekly during various times of the year, and early last year I started leading it as well. My friends from this group have been a source of encouragement to me, and I hope that I have been a blessing to them as well. Because my new church is larger and healthier than my previous church, I have had the privilege to serve in ways that better utilize my spiritual gifts, and I have not had to juggle a bunch of hats I never had any business wearing, as I did in the past.

When I decided to leave my church, I figured I wouldn't be preaching again anytime soon. Surprisingly, the pastors of the church I left continued to support me, and I ended up with even more preaching opportunities than I had previously. The pastors of my new church have also been supportive of me, and, two years ago, I finally completed the requirements to be certified as a lay speaker. Though I don't preach at my new church as often I preached at my previous church, I have had the opportunity to visit numerous churches as a guest speaker.

Recently I've had the opportunity to participate in some short-term studies with some of my friends from the group that disbanded back in 2015. Also, two years ago, I joined a group that meets up weekly at a downtown coffee shop to discuss life. In this group, I've met a lot of people and formed a number of new friendships. In perhaps the most unexpected twist of fate, around the same time, I was invited to join the board that oversees the collegiate ministry I used to attend. Sitting on the board has given me the opportunity to revisit the weekly gatherings that meant so much to me when I was involved with the ministry previously.

In The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis suggests that God "always gives back to [people] with His right hand what He has taken away with His left."¹ Though I cannot say with absolute certainty what is an act of God and what is not, when I look back over the last few years, something about Lewis's words rings true. I now realize that I have, in some way, regained a lot of what I lost back in late 2015 and that I have actually gained more than I lost.

A lot of people believe that "everything happens for a reason." Personally, I cannot say that I am totally on board with such an idea. Some of the things that happen in this world are so horrific that it is problematic to suggest that they happen in order to bring about some divine purpose. Furthermore, when we are going through painful times, it is somewhat less than than helpful to hear that our pain is part of some greater purpose, as if we're pawns that have been sacrificed in a divine game of chess.

That said, I think that maybe, after we've come through difficult times, it can be helpful to look back and consider how God might have worked in our lives through them. Whether or not everything actually happens for a reason, looking for reason can help us to come to terms with the difficulties we faced.

At one point, I briefly entertained the thought that the dissolution of my Bible study group was a consequence of my leaving my church. I thought that maybe being abandoned by the community I needed was my punishment for abandoning the community that needed me. Fair is fair, right?

I've since started seeing the bigger picture. My previous church had a small, aging congregation, and, in many ways, it didn't meet my needs. Double-dipping with other churches allowed me to say at my church while being in fellowship with other Christians my age. The prospect of losing that option is what compelled me to move on from my previous church and enabled me to find my way to the church I now attend. I now see that, if God did indeed take my Bible study group from me, God was not punishing me but rather relocating me.

Though I'm still not willing to say that everything happens for a reason, I'm starting to consider that maybe some things happen for a reason.

Though there is a lot of good in my life, I still feel stuck. My life is not what I wish it was. I have a restlessness in my bones and aches in my heart that will not go away. The possibility that what brought me from where I was in the past to where I am today was not the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" but rather the One who holds the universe together gives me hope that maybe my life is actually heading somewhere.

Notes: