Introspection: A Time to Let Go

This is what I was going through when I wrote my perspective
"Turn the Page."
I share these thoughts, hoping they are of help to someone else.

A Time to Let Go

Scripture:

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven...
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to throw away...

Ecclesiastes 3:1,4-6 (NRSV)

So I climbed a mountain and built an altar
Looked out as far as I can see
And everyday I'm getting older
I'm running out of dreams

From "Your Love" by Brandon Heath

Have you ever felt lonely in a room full of friends?

Looking back, I have come to realize that each of the last few phases of my life revolved around making up for the previous phase that didn't work out like it should have. My high-school experience was not at all what I think it should have been. I went to a religious school that was much too conservative and strict; I had only a few friends; the girls I liked didn't like me back; and I didn't get out very much. What's worse, I just couldn't seem to come out of my shell. Looking back, I know that I should have made the most of my time there, despite the rules and religious differences. I also know that I could have had more friends and more meaningful relationships were I not such a religious bigot.¹

Then came the time I had anticipated my whole life, my life's ultimate goal, the time that was supposed to make up for high school: college! I started out repeating many of the same patterns I had back in high school, but in my third year I found the community I never had but always wanted - people who were fun to be around, people who believed like I did, people I wanted to be like. This community gave me many opportunities to have fun, to serve others, and to grow spiritually. It was beautiful for a while, but in two years I had to graduate.

My college experience was a lot better than my high-school experience. I made more of my time in college, but I still could have done better. I had waited two years to seek out community, and being a commuter left me somewhat disconnected from the others in the group. There were still experiences I had missed and opportunities I had passed up, and I still hadn't completely broken out of my shell. Now college was over, and the years that were supposed to be the best years of my life were behind me. Was I supposed to give up my community? My friends? Luckily, my Alma Mater was just a few minutes away from my house, so I decided to hang around for a little while longer.

So there I was, more than three years later, a ghost clinging to the world he used to know. I was a young working adult in a community full of collegians, feeling more and more like I didn't belong. Everyone who had been a student when I was a student had already graduated and moved on. I wanted so badly to belong in this group, to have a place in this group, but I felt so disconnected from everyone else. I knew they accepted me; I knew they cared about me; and I knew that the walls that separated us were within my own heart. Still, the differences between my stage of life and theirs was becoming more and more of a barrier for me, and I just couldn't be a part of the community like I wanted. Something had to change.

Thankfully, God led me to another community, a Bible-study group at a large church downtown.² When I walked in, I was immediately welcomed into the group, despite the fact that I don't attend that particular church. The group was very much like my college community, but it was intended for all young adults and not just for college students. I was finally with other people like me, people who were in the same stage of life.

I am enjoying my time with my Bible-study friends, but every now and then I go back to visit my college community. And sometimes, when I do, I still feel the same longing, the same disconnect, and the same sadness. Finally, I realized that I was still stuck in high school. In high school, things didn't go for me the way I think they should have, so college was supposed to make up for that. When college was over, and my dreams hadn't come true, I held on for dear life to the one thing from college I could hold on to.

The truth is that both high school and college are behind me. Those days are gone forever. I can never get them back. I cannot redo those parts of my life that didn't go the way they should have, and I cannot make up for the experiences that I missed. And admitting that hurts like hell. My parents neglected to tell me that growing up would hurt so much.

As a Christian, I claim the good news of the Gospel, but it's a real pity that I don't apply it to my whole life. The Gospel is a message of God's love and grace, a message of forgiveness and redemption. The Gospel does not give us the chance to undo the past or to make up for the past; the Gospel does, however, give us the chance to make a fresh start by putting the past behind us with God's forgiveness, by restoring broken relationships with God's grace, and by moving forward with God's help. When we trust God with our lives, He will not change our regretful pasts, but He will transform our lives in the present. He will give us the grace we need to move forward into the future.

St. Paul wrote, "When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, reason like a child, think like a child. But now that I have become a man, Ive put an end to childish things."³ In my case, the childishness I need to end is my desire to cling to the past and to try to make up for the things I didn't do right. I'm taking the time to finally grieve what should have been, so that I can truly move on with my life. I need to let the past be the past and to let God lead me into the future.

And maybe, someday, I'll come out of my shell.

To all my college friends who may be reading: this is the reason I have not been around much lately. I will be back to visit, though. I love you, and I wish you the best. To those of you who have graduated: I'll see you at homecoming.


Notes:
1 - I always looked down on fundamentalists for being judgmental and closed-minded, but I was judging them and closing myself off to them. As always, my own worst enemy is the man in the mirror. I point my finger, and three point back at me.
2 - Funny story: on the night before I intended to first visit this Bible-study group, I happened upon a map of the church that I received when I attended a Sunday school workshop there. A coincidence or a nudge from God?
3 - 1 Corinthians 13:11 (CEB)


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