Introspection: How (Not) to Be Special

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How (Not) to Be Special

An argument broke out among the disciples over which one of them should be regarded as the greatest.

But Jesus said to them, "The kings of the Gentiles rule over their subjects, and those in authority over them are called 'friends of the people.'  But that's not the way it will be with you.  Instead, the greatest among you must become like a person of lower status and the leader like a servant.  So which one is greater, the one who is seated at the table or the one who serves at the table?  Isn't it the one who is seated at the table?  But I am among you as one who serves."

Luke 22:24-27 (CEB)

I wish that I could be like the cool kids

'Cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in

From "Cool Kids" by Echosmith

I was first introduced to the Enneagram by a professor of psychology during a short retreat back in late 2009.  The Enneagram is a personality typing system that features nine distinct but interconnected personality types, each of which is represented by a number.¹  This system is different from the Myers-Briggs typing system because it is based less on a person's particular personality traits and more on a person's motivations.

I discovered my own personality type during that retreat, and, though I have doubted my initial conclusion several times over the years, I always keep coming back to type Four.  A person who is a Four according to the Enneagram is sometimes called a "Romantic" or an "Individualist."  Fours are known to be creative, dramatic, temperamental, self-absorbed, emotionally self-aware, and melancholic.  They value individuality and authenticity, and they tend to be dissatisfied with anything ordinary.  Two famous fictional Fours are Holden Caulfield from J.D. Salinger's novel The Catcher in the Rye and Charlie Brown from the comic strip Peanuts.²

Fours are haunted by shame, and they are prone to envy.  They feel as though they have some unnameable lack in their lives that keeps them from functioning like everyone else in the world.  To borrow an image from one writer, they look at the lives of others as if they are looking in on a party from the outside, with their noses pressed against the window.³

Fours desire to be special because they secretly fear that they are invisible or insignificant.  They try to set themselves apart from the crowd, but ironically, in their pursuit to be special, they end up further alienating themselves from others.⁴

I never really thought of myself as someone who wants to be special, but my recent investigations into the Enneagram and my own personality type have forced me to confront some things in myself I either had been ignoring or simply did not want to admit.  I have a tendency to be rather quiet, unless I happen to be in a setting in which I feel extremely comfortable.  Despite my quietness, I actually want people to notice me, and I fear that people won't even know I exist unless I stand out in some way.

I first learned about the Enneagram not long after I was terminated from a previous job.  For two years, I worked as a software engineer for a casino vendor, and it was while I was working in the gambling industry that I began flirting with the idea of going into the ministry.  At the time, I was surrounded by workaholics, and I could not understand why anyone would devote so much of themselves to work that was not only utterly meaningless but harmful to others.  I figured that, if my career was supposed to take over my life, I had better find some meaningful work to do, and I figured that, if I had to live my life ever subject to the whims of my employer, my employer probably ought to be God.

Looking back, I think that maybe another reason I started thinking about going into the ministry is that I wanted to be special.  In the United Methodist circles in which I was traveling, the people I considered to be the "cool kids" were those who were pursuing ordination.  I think that maybe, deep down, I wanted some of the affirmation and attention they were receiving.  It would have been a welcome upgrade from the constant shame I felt for working in a morally bankrupt industry.

In the Bible, we read about a man named Simon who lived in Samaria.  Simon wanted to be special, so he used magic to impress people and gain a following for himself.  At one point, Philip, a follower of the Way of Jesus, came to Samaria, and, when the people heard his message about the Kingdom of God, they became believers.  Simon gave up his magic and became a believer as well, and he started following Philip around.  When Peter and John, two of Jesus' original twelve Disciples, heard what was going on in Samaria, they joined Philip there, and the people on whom they laid their hands received the Holy Spirit, as they had received the Spirit after Jesus ascended to heaven.⁵

Simon, still wanting to be special, offered Peter and John money in return for the ability to bestow on others the Holy Spirit.  Peter rebuked Simon, saying, "May your silver perish with you, because you thought you could obtain God's gift with money!  You have no part or share in this, for your heart is not right before God.  Repent therefore of this wickedness of yours, and pray to the Lord that, if possible, the intent of your heart may be forgiven you.  For I see that you are in the gall of bitterness and the chains of wickedness."⁶

Frightened, Simon said to Peter, "Pray for me to the Lord, that nothing of what you have said may happen to me."⁷

The followers of Jesus had learned an important lesson that Simon had yet to grasp.  On the evening before Jesus was arrested and crucified, the Disciples got into an argument about which of them was the greatest.  Jesus said to them, "The greatest among you must become like a person of lower status and the leader like a servant."  To be special, in a Scriptural sense, is to be set apart, not for special favor or privilege, but for special purpose and responsibility.

I really hate to admit that my motivations are not always pure.  I am grateful that God has been more gracious to me than Peter was to the former magician named Simon, for God has included me in the work of the Kingdom despite my less than selfless motives.  I think that maybe God has used my desire to be special to give me opportunities to serve.  I never joined the "clergy club," but I still minister to others in various capacities as a layperson.  I know that I have been blessed through my experiences, and I hope that others have been blessed through my efforts.


Notes:

1. For basic information about the Enneagram, check out The Enneagram Institute.
2. Unfortunately I don't have a citation for this paragraph since it is made up of information I've amalgamated from various sources over time.
3. Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile.  The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery.  2016, InterVarsity Press.  pp. 152-153
4. Cron and Stabile, p. 156
5. Acts 8:5-17
6. Acts 8:18-23 (NRSV)
7. Acts 8:24 (NRSV)

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