Introspection: Now What? (2023)

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Now What? (2023)

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.

Acts 1:8 (NRSV)

I said, Now, watch what you say
They'll be calling you a radical
A liberal, oh, fanatical, criminal

Oh, won't you sign up your name?
We'd like to feel you're acceptable
Respectable, oh, presentable, a vegetable!

From "The Logical Song" by Supertramp

At the beginning of the Acts of the Apostles, we read that one day, while Jesus was talking with the Disciples, He suddenly started rising into the air, and, as the Disciples were watching, He disappeared into the clouds.¹  What we call the Ascension of the Lord was a cause for celebration, because Jesus was going up to Heaven to take His place of authority at the Father's right-hand side as the Lord of this world.

That said, as I've noted in the past, I cannot help but think that, as the Disciples watched their beloved Teacher ascend to Heaven, they were feeling a bit bewildered.  I imagine that they were asking themselves, "Now what?"

The Disciples were all devastated that fateful day when Jesus was taken from them, put on trial, and executed by crucifixion.  Their sorrow was turned into joy a few days later, when He came back to them, alive and well.²  Forty days had passed, and life had seemingly returned to normal for the Disciples as they continued learning from Jesus.³

And then, all of a sudden, Jesus was gone.

I suspect the Disciples would have happily followed Jesus for the rest of their lives, but Jesus had other plans for them.  Before He ascended to Heaven, He said to them, "You will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."⁴  The Disciples had effectively "graduated."  No longer were they to be disciples - people who follow a teacher - for the time had come for them to become apostles - people who are sent out on a mission.

Truth be told, I think I've been projecting my own feelings onto the Disciples.

I remember asking myself the same question I imagine the Disciples were asking themselves one Sunday evening in late 2007 as I walked around the campus of my alma mater.  Even though I knew my way around campus, I was feeling a bit lost that day.  I attributed my lost feeling to the fact that, in the last few months, I had completed the two life goals that had been set for me.  I had graduated from college with a bachelor's degree, and I had landed my first job as a professional.  I was not quite sure what I was supposed to do going forward.

I've started to suspect that maybe something else was going on within me at that time.

The truth is that I didn't want to graduate from college.

Looking back, I think I viewed my college experience as my "last hurrah."  It was my last opportunity to enjoy my life before the best part of my life came to an end.  I didn't really enjoy school before college, and I wasn't looking forward to the constant drudgery was coming afterward.  I tried to hold on.  As graduation grew near, I found myself wanting to stay for a fifth year.  After I graduated, I started returning to the campus to take long walks, and I remained involved with my collegiate ministry for a number of years.

When I was growing up, I never had high expectations for adulthood.  My parents, the two main adults in my life, didn't seem like especially happy people.  They didn't seem to enjoy their jobs, and their jobs didn't seem very interesting to me either.  Fun, it seemed, is for children and people who didn't want to grow up.  It seemed to me that, once I reached adulthood, I would be expected to trade all of my enjoyment for responsibility.  I've attempted to resist this transaction in any way possible.

Maybe it's not such a bad thing that I project my feelings onto the characters in the Bible stories I read.  After all, it teaches me things about myself.  Maybe, in some cases, I just need to follow the stories a bit further.

So, now what?

Ten days after Jesus ascended to Heaven, the Apostles received the power Jesus promised them, when Holy Spirit descended upon them like wind and fire from Heaven.⁵  Suddenly they found themselves speaking in languages they did not know previously,⁶ miraculously healing people,⁷ and being led to people they might have avoided in the past.⁸  They watched the community their Teacher started with them, the Church, become larger and more inclusive than they ever imagined.

If Jesus' disciples had been unwilling to "graduate" and become apostles, a lot of amazing things might not have happened through them.

Maybe what is true about the Apostles is also true about me.  Maybe, if I leave behind the story I've been telling myself, that the best days of my life ended with my graduation, God can do some amazing things through me as well.  Maybe I don't have to resign myself to living according to any script society hands me.  Maybe I can find the path I'm meant to follow, live my life for a higher purpose, and have some fun in the process.


Notes:

1. Acts 1:6-9
2. Luke 22:39-24:49
3. Acts 1:3
4. Acts 1:8 (NRSV)
5. Acts 2:1-4
6. Acts 2:5-12
7. Acts 3:1-10; 5:12-16; 9:32-42
8. Acts 8:14-17, 26-39; 10:1-48

The photograph of my feet in a doorway was taken by me at my alma mater in 2014.