Introspection: What Forgiveness Means to Me

I share these thoughts, hoping they are of help to someone else.


What Forgiveness Means to Me

Scripture:

This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God.

Matthew 5:23-24 (The Message)

I have seen the healing hand of God
Reaching out and mending broken hearts
Taste and see the fullness of His peace
And hold on to what's being held out
The healing hand of God

From "The Healing Hand of God" by Jeremy Camp

Last year, I wrote an article in which I admitted my difficulties forgiving other people for the things they have said or done that hurt me in the past. I lamented the fact that, though God has forgiven me for so many things, I could still hold grudges against others.¹ Looking back, I believe that a lot of my trouble was that I did not know what it truly means to forgive someone. Reflecting on the things I have learned in the past few months, I realize that my former concept of forgiveness was altogether wrong.

Back then, I thought that forgiveness meant pretending that something never happened. Back then, I had confused forgiveness with forgetfulness. So often we hear the words "Forgive and forget." It sounds as though it should be simple enough, but in some cases it is much easier said than done. I am not talking about instances when someone cuts us off in traffic or when someone borrows something and neglects to return it. These things actually are forgettable. Sometimes, though, people say and do things that hurt us deeply, and getting over these things is a lot more difficult.

To truly leave the past in the past and to be reconciled with those who have hurt me, I needed to learn what forgiveness really means.

Forgiveness is not simply pretending that something never happened. When we try to pretend that someone never hurt us, we are not properly working through the pain that the person caused us. We are not forgiving the person at all. Instead, we only cover up our feelings. Though unacknowledged, these feelings become infected, changing us from human beings into toxic, tangled masses of pain, anger, bitterness, and even hatred. Instead of letting go of the things that hurt us, we make them a permanent part of ourselves.

Sometimes forgiveness looks nothing at all like forgetfulness. In fact, sometimes it is quite the opposite. Forgiveness actually requires us to dredge up the hidden pain of the past so that we can deal with it properly. Forgiveness means digging beneath the hard outer layer of bitterness and confronting the feelings that have been covered up for so long. It means bringing these things to the surface so that healing can begin.

Forgiveness requires that we admit that someone has hurt us. Pain caused by others, particularly when we are young, can profoundly affect who we are and who we become if it is not dealt with. Sometimes forgiveness even requires us to confront those who caused us pain. When one does so and when the offender is willing to listen, the doors to reconciliation are opened. One may even come to better understand the offender and to realize that the two are not so different.

Forgiveness requires us to be honest enough to admit when someone's actions have made us angry. Forgiveness means allowing ourselves to experience the anger in the moment so that it does not have the chance to fester into bitterness or hatred. St. Paul once wrote "Be angry without sinning. Don’t let the sun set on your anger."² Paul realized the dangers of unresolved anger. Perhaps you believe that anger is wrong. The truth is that it does not even matter whether or not anger is a sin. If you are angry, hiding your anger or condemning yourself will not make it go away. When we do not acknowledge our anger and fail to work through it, we hold on to what has angered us, and we do not forgive.

Forgiveness requires that we acknowledge that others have hurt us, but it does not mean that we assign blame. Forgiving is sometimes compared to canceling a person's debt.³ When we forgive someone, we no longer hold the person responsible for undoing the damage caused, and we no longer expect the person to pay for the transgression. When we forgive, we no longer use the offender as a crutch, blaming the person for everything that has gone wrong in our lives.

Forgiveness requires us to admit and to experience the pain and the anger that someone has caused us, but it requires another step. Forgiveness means moving past the pain and the anger: it means healing. This is not something that we can do by ourselves: we need the grace of God. Recently, a friend pointed out to me the healing power of God's grace. He told me that the human body cannot heal scar tissue, but God can heal the scars on our hearts. God's grace often comes to us through other people, so we should be willing to ask others for help as we seek healing.

Sometimes forgiveness requires us to be mature enough to accept responsibility when necessary. A friend of mine once pointed out to me something I should have done for someone else. I became angry with him and proceeded to give him a piece of my mind. The truth is that I was not angry with him because of his criticism: I was angry with him because he was right. In this case, forgiving him meant apologizing to him.

This is what forgiveness means to me. I have stories to go along with each of these points, but they are too personal for me to include in this article. It has been said that forgiveness helps the one forgiving more than the one being forgiven. Now I am seeing the truth in this. I had destroyed myself on the inside because of things that happened in the past. God, in His graciousness, put me back together again, reconciling me to others and to myself. For the first time in a long time, I feel like a normal human being.


Notes:
1 - See my introspection "Excess Baggage"
2 - Ephesians 4:26 (CEB)
3 - David A. Seamands. Healing for Damaged Emotions. 1981, David C. Cook. Chapter 2.


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