Introspection: Pushing and Pulling

I share these thoughts, hoping they are of help to someone else.

Pushing and Pulling

Scripture:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (TNIV)

There's no such thing as perfect people
There's no such thing as a perfect life
So come as you are
Broken and scarred
Lift up your heart
And be amazed and be changed by a perfect God

From "Perfect People" by Natalie Grant

I recently joined a Bible study group for young adults. One thing about this group that is somewhat new to me is the fact that many of the members of this group are married. I am used to being around people slightly younger than I, all of whom are single. One thing I have noticed is that, though I often have trouble speaking with single women, I find myself more comfortable around married women or women in committed relationships. I'll provide some examples to explain why.

Woman A is happily married. I can be myself, express myself, and say pretty much whatever is on my mind around her. Woman B is in a serious relationship. Again, I can tell her anything about myself, my opinions, or my feelings. Why is this? Each of these women already has someone special in her life. The most I aspire to be to either of them is a friend. There is no reason for me to try to impress them or try to hide anything about myself.

Woman C, on the other hand, is single... and attractive. I want her to like me. I want her to go out with me. Maybe I want her to be my girlfriend. Maybe I even want to marry her, build a life with her, wake up with her every morning, and have children with her. There is a lot riding on how I present myself! I can't just be myself. I have to be better than myself. I have to be cool and attractive. I can't let her see the unattractive things about myself. I have to convince her that I'm the perfect man for her.

And that is precisely why I am still single.

My downfall, aside from looking insanely too far into the future, is my perfectionism. I try to show only what I consider to be good qualities about myself. On top of that, I try to act like I'm cool. Unfortunately, there are so many things about myself that I think would be unattractive, very little of me comes through at all. I end up throwing out the baby with the bathwater. I uproot the wheat along with the weeds. I figure that very few women I know have ever met the real me. Instead, they have met my nervous, quiet, pathetic attempt to be attractive. I have never given them the opportunity to know or love the real me.

I'll never be the perfect man, and I'll never meet the perfect woman. Neither of these exists. If I did not have the perfectionist mindset, I would probably now have a girlfriend, if not a fiancée or a wife. Of course, this is just one example of my struggles with perfectionism: single women are not the only people with whom I have this problem. I experience the same thing with anyone I am trying to impress. For example, I have acted in a very similar way during job interviews.

I have come to realize that my perfectionism is one of the greatest problems in my life, as it affects me in so many different ways. I have trouble opening up to people because I don't want people to see my flaws. I don't voice my opinions because I want to please everyone. I become irritable when things are not just right. I become angry with myself when I make mistakes. I beat myself up on the inside when I don't do the right thing. I have trouble forgiving myself. These are some of the general characteristics of a perfectionist.¹

Perfectionism is harmful to oneself, and it hinders one's relationships with other people. Some people even project their own perfectionism onto God. As a result, they see God as someone they can never make happy.² In this way it can even sabotage a person's relationship with God. Taking these things into consideration, I think it is pretty much evident that perfectionism is a sin.

Having just labeled perfectionism a sin, I am not saying that it is wrong to desire to be a better person. Those things in our lives that hurt ourselves, hurt others, and separate us from God need to be dealt with, and one should always seek to do good in the world. The process of becoming a better person is a major part of following Christ. Some refer to this concept as "going on to perfection." That said, there is a big difference between perfection in this sense and perfectionism. I like to think of it as the difference between pushing and pulling.

Perfectionists try their hardest to be perfect or to appear perfect. They try to push themselves toward perfection. Dr. David A. Seamands, in Healing for Damaged Emotions, discusses the two persons in the life of every perfectionist: Real You and Super You. Real You is a person's true self. Super You is an ideal that the perfectionist strives so hard to live up to.³

We can never hope to push ourselves to perfection because each and every one of us is broken. Because of this, we cannot see clearly what is truly perfect and ideal. We may push ourselves toward perfection as hard as we can, but, because we all suffer from some degree of spiritual blindness, we will inevitably veer drastically off course. Our idea of perfection is not the same as God's. Super You is a figment of one's imagination, and it is not the person whom God wants any of us to be. Instead, God wants each of us to be the best Real You possible.

The key difference between perfectionism and true perfection is the one in control of the process. A perfectionist takes it upon himself to push himself to perfection but misses the mark entirely because he does not know what is perfect. The true process of perfection comes about when God is allowed to pull a person to where he or she needs to be.

John Burke, in his book No Perfect People Allowed, compares people to priceless paintings covered in mud. The fact that the painting is covered in mud does not make it any less of a masterpiece. The mud needs to be removed, but we shouldn't try to clean it off by ourselves because we might damage the painting. Instead the painting must be taken to a master so that it can be properly restored to its original glory.⁴

In the same way, when we take it upon ourselves to fix ourselves, we only damage ourselves further because we don't really know how to fix ourselves. Instead we must put our imperfections into God's hands, allowing the Master to lead us into wholeness. It is true that we must do our part and follow God to where He is leading us, but the one in control of the process is God and not ourselves. So many times recently I have heard the words, "Let God be God."

In recent months, God has led me to take certain steps to become free from the perfectionism that has disrupted my life. I have tried to adopt a more "warts and all" approach to my interactions with others. I have tried to be open and honest about my own faults and brokenness, for only when we are honest about such things do we allow God to bring healing into our lives. I have learned more about emotional healing and confronted the things in my past that led to my perfectionism and my negative self image. I am trying to leave behind Super Me so that people can get to know Real Me.

If, like me, you struggle with perfectionism, I urge you to abandon any notion of trying to become someone you are not. Instead, take your imperfections to God and let Him guide you to become the person He created you to be. God will deal with all of our imperfections in His time and in His way. Let God be God, and let you be you.


Notes:
1 - David A. Seamands. Healing for Damaged Emotions. 1981, David C. Cook. p. 77-83
2 - Seamands, p. 82
3 - Seamands, p. 101-109
4 - John Burke. No Perfect People Allowed. 2005, Zondervan. p. 97


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