Introspection: Gone Fishing

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Gone Fishing

Simon Peter told them, "I'm going fishing."

They said, "We'll go with you."  They set out in a boat, but throughout the night they caught nothing.

John 21:3 (CEB)

Hey you

Out there beyond the wall

Breaking bottles in the hall

Can you help me?

From "Hey You" by Pink Floyd

For the last few weeks, the pastors of my church have been preaching a series of sermons based on the book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero.¹  Reading the book for myself and discussing the sermons with my small group have helped me to gain a new perspective on some things in my life.

In one chapter of the book, Scazzero describes what he calls the "Wall."  The Wall is what St. John of the Cross called the "Dark Night of the Soul."  It is a season in one's life marked by doubt and spiritual dryness.  This season is often brought on by some sort of crisis or disappointment.  During this time, God might seem distant, and one's faith might not seem to work as it once did.  When we reach the Wall, we need to somehow make our way through it, but we will need God's help.  Many people find themselves stuck at the Wall, while others bounce off the wall more entrenched in their ways.²

As for me, I feel like I hit a Wall back in 2013.

A couple of my friends from my small group, both of whom are retired pastors, seem to think that I ought to go into the ministry.  December 28 of this year will be the tenth anniversary of the day I delivered my very first sermon, so the idea of going into the ministry is not new to me.  For a while, I thought I might actually be headed in that direction.  To dip my toe into the water, I started preaching at my home church.  Later on, I started taking classes with Lay Servant Ministries so that I could fill in as preacher at other churches within my denomination.

A series of events starting in 2013 showed me that I just don't love people enough to be a pastor.  I realized that I tend to bail out on people when I feel that they want too much from me.  There is simply no point in trying to be a minister if I'm too selfish to minister to people.  I did feel as though a rift had opened between myself and God, not because I felt that God had disappointed me but because I felt that I had disappointed God.

What Scazzero calls the Wall, my pastor Jonathan calls the "Wilderness."  In his sermon on the subject, he referenced a number of people in the Bible who went through a Wilderness of some sort.  At God's call, Abraham and Sarah journeyed through the wilderness into the unknown.  After leaving Egypt, Moses and the Israelites wandered in the wilderness for forty years before they finally reached the Promised Land.  Elijah fled into the wilderness when the queen threatened his life.  The Israelites walked again through the wilderness into exile when their homeland was conquered.  Even Jesus himself wandered the wilderness for forty days, where He faced temptation.  Jonathan encouraged the congregation to consider which of these stories parallel our own.³

When it comes to my own experience at the Wall, the Biblical story that resonates the most with me is that of Peter.  Once known as Simon, Peter left behind his job as a fisherman to become a student of Jesus.  Always the most brash and most eager of the Disciples, Peter once declared that he was willing to die for Jesus.  Jesus, who knew that trouble was coming, warned Peter that he would deny knowing Him three times by morning.⁴  A few hours later, after Jesus was arrested, Peter denied that he knew Jesus, just as Jesus had predicted.⁵

I suspect that Peter hit a Wall of his own when he denied Jesus.  One night, after Jesus had been crucified and resurrected, Peter told some of the other Disciples that he was going fishing.  The others went with him, and they spent the night catching nothing.  There are various interpretations regarding the significance of this fishing trip.  Personally, I suspect that Peter must have felt like a failure and that, by going fishing, he basically tendered his resignation as a disciple and returned to his former line of work.

When I hit my Wall, I too "went fishing," so to speak.  I gave up on ever becoming a pastor, and I kept doing what I was doing as a layperson.  I kept writing, teaching Sunday school, and preaching on occasion.  After years of taking classes, I was finally certified as a Lay Speaker, and I even started teaching one of the classes I had taken.

Peter might have resigned as a disciple, but Jesus reached out to him once again.  Three times, Peter had denied knowing Jesus.  Three times Jesus asked Peter, "Do you love me?"  Three times Peter said yes, and three times Jesus called him to feed His sheep.⁶  Peter was still a "rock" on whom Jesus would build His church.

The journey through the Wall is a time of learning and growth.  According to Scazzero, people who make it through the Wall become less judgmental, more comfortable with mystery, more patient, and more detached from their circumstances.  Scazzero said that, when he made it through his own Wall, he was more free from the opinions of others, more clear about who he is, and more assured of God's love for him.⁷

I'm not sure I've fully made it through the Wall, but I feel like I have been changed by my experience.  Looking back, I think that, if I gone into the ministry years ago, I would have been eaten alive.  People expect pastors to be all things to all people, and I have no doubt that I would have expected the same of myself.  I did not have clarity about what is mine to do and what is not mine to do.  I did not think realistically about what others should expect of me and what I should expect of myself.  I did not see a difference between being selfish and doing what is right for myself.  My experience at the Wall has forced me to reconsider such things.  I'm starting to see that neither selfishness nor selflessness is really a good way of life.  The world doesn't revolve around me, but I still matter.

I've never been very good at predicting my own future.  I suppose it's still possible that someday I'll find myself in pastoral ministry, but, for the time being, I'll keep on "fishing" by serving as a layperson.  Whatever happens, I think I'm better off having hit the Wall several years ago, because it showed me that, regardless of what I do, I have to be myself and not what everyone wants me to be.  If we could see the difficulties that obstruct the path ahead of us, we would doubtlessly take detours, but, when we look back on the trials we've faced, we can see how they've made us stronger.


Notes:

1. Peter Scazzero.  Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: It's Impossible to Be Spiritually Mature, While Remaining Emotionally Immature.  2017, Zondervan.
2. Scazzero, ch. 4
3. Jonathan Tompkins.  "In the Wilderness."  Travelers Rest United Methodist Church, 10/28/2018.
4. John 13:36-38
5. John 18:15-18, 25-27
6. John 21:15-17
7. Scazzero, ch. 4

The photograph of the fishermen was taken by Francis Hannaway and is used under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license.  The photographer is in no way affiliated with this blog.