Introspection: Ten Years

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.

Comments are always welcomed.

If you find these thoughts helpful, please share.

Ten Years

Listen to me,

you who look for righteousness,

you who seek the Lord:

Look to the rock from which you were cut

and to the quarry where you were dug.

Look to Abraham your ancestor,

and to Sarah, who gave you birth.

They were alone when I called them,

but I blessed them and made them many.

The Lord will comfort Zion;

he will comfort all her ruins.

He will make her desert like Eden

and her wilderness like the Lord's garden.

Happiness and joy will be found in her -

thanks and the sound of singing.

Isaiah 51:1-3 (CEB)

God, You know where I've been

You were there with me then

You were faithful before

You'll be faithful again

I'm holding Your hand

From "Let the Waters Rise" by MIKESCHAIR

On the evening of May 24, 1738, John Wesley, who was going through a time of frustration and doubt, "went very unwillingly" to a Bible study on Aldersgate Street in London.  Basically, he was dragged to it by someone, either human or divine.  While he was there, he listened as someone read Martin Luther's commentary on St. Paul's letter to the Romans.  Wesley later wrote in his journal,
About a quarter before nine, while he was describing the change which God works in the heart through faith in Christ, I felt my heart strangely warmed.  I felt I did trust in Christ, Christ alone, for salvation; and an assurance was given me that He had taken away my sins, even mine, and saved me from the law of sin and death.¹

The story of John Wesley's "Aldersgate experience" has been told and retold by Methodists and other Christians who trace their roots through Wesley.

Recently, the pastors of my church delivered a series of sermons on the experience of being "strangely warmed" or the change of heart Wesley referenced in his journal.  The series ended with a "cardboard testimony" service, in which people in the congregation were invited to share, on pieces of cardboard, their own stories of being "strangely warmed" by God.  My church holds such services every few of years, but, what made this year's different is that people had to submit videos of themselves showing their cardboard testimonies beforehand, since services at my church have been mostly online since early March because of the pandemic.

I shared a cardboard testimony about three years ago, but I had no intention of sharing one this year.  My heart hasn't felt very "warm" lately, and my spiritual life has seemed rather stagnant, like every other aspect of my life since the pandemic started.  COVID-19, which I'm convinced came not from a wet market or a laboratory but rather from the very pit of Hell, seems to have sucked most of the joy out of life.

One of the ancient Hebrew prophets once encouraged his people, who were in exile in a strange land, to "look to the rock from which [they] were cut and to the quarry where [they] were dug."  In other words, he encouraged them to remember their story.  The people of Israel, according to their story, all descended from Abraham and Sarah, a couple who struggled with infertility.  In the same way that God enabled the couple to become the ancestors of great nations, God would bring new life to the exiles' ruined cities and the exiles' ruined lives.  The commentary in my study Bible highlights "the prophet's reliance on Israel's memory of God's graciousness in the past as a resource in the present moment of crisis."²

My problem is that I tend to let my feelings in the present affect how I view my past and my future.  After I saw the cardboard testimonies of my friends from church³ and read the words of the ancient prophet, I realized that I too should have looked back on my own story, and I knew what testimony I should have shared this year.

2007: Software Engineer in the Gambling Industry

2017: Certified to Preach in the United Methodist Church

A lot can change in ten years.

In September of 2007, I started working as a software engineer for a casino vendor.  I updated software for video slot machines and video poker machines.  I never should have accepted the job, but, since I was fresh out of college with no professional work experience, I figured I needed to take whatever job I could get.  Within a year, I regretted my decision.  I desperately wanted out of my job, but I was afraid I would have trouble finding another job if I simply quit.  I started praying daily that God would provide me a way out.

While I was still working in the gambling industry, I began to wonder if maybe God might be calling me to take another path in life.  My pastor gave me some opportunities to preach, and I also started teaching Sunday school.

In 2009, my prayers were answered.  The company for which I worked bought another company, consolidated offices, and moved out of state.  Because I was unwilling to relocate, my job was terminated.  God then led me to a programming job at a local technical college, where I use my skills for the common good.

I continued teaching Sunday school and preaching, and I started writing regularly.  Eventually, I started taking classes offered by my denomination on things like preaching, public prayer, and leading worship.  Finally, in April of 2017, I was certified as a Lay Speaker in the United Methodist Church.  I'm not a pastor, but I'm certified to fill in for pastors when called to do so.

My spiritual life might seem stagnant right now, but, looking back, I can see that God has brought about a lot of change in my life.  God was with me in that dreary office where I worked previously, and God guided me down new paths in life.  I have to trust that God is still with me amid this pandemic, regardless of how desolate life seems at the moment, and I have to trust that God will bring about more growth in my life through it.


Notes:

1. http://www.ccel.org/ccel/wesley/journal.vi.ii.xvi.html
2. Joel B. Green, William H. Willimon, et al.  The Wesley Study Bible (NRSV).  2009, Abingdon Press.  p. 876
3. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYY3RcdRoas

The photographs featured in this introspection were taken by my mother.

Sermon: Dying and Rising (2020)

Delivered at Salem United Methodist Church in Greenville, South Carolina on June 21, 2020

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.

Comments are always welcomed.

If you find these thoughts helpful, please share.

Dying and Rising

Audio Version

What then are we to say?  Should we continue in sin in order that grace may abound?  By no means!  How can we who died to sin go on living in it?  Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death?  Therefore we have been buried with him by baptism into death, so that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life.

For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his.  We know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be destroyed, and we might no longer be enslaved to sin.  For whoever has died is freed from sin.  But if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him.  We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him.  The death he died, he died to sin, once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.  So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.

Romans 6:1-11 (NRSV)

Dreaming about Providence

And whether mice or men have second tries

Maybe we've been living with our eyes half open

Maybe we're bent and broken

From “Meant to Live” by Switchfoot

The Epistle to the Romans is undoubtedly the most famous of St. Paul's writings.  It has been an inspiration to Christians ever since it was first read to the congregation in Rome nearly two thousand years ago.  This letter has been foundational to the theology of many Christians, especially those of us who call ourselves Protestants.  It was a verse from Romans that completely changed Martin Luther's understanding of God's grace.¹  Luther read, “For in [the Gospel] the righteousness of God is revealed through faith for faith; as it is written, 'The one who is righteous will live by faith.'”²  He went on to light the fuse for what we call the Reformation.

The movement started by John Wesley was somewhat different from those of other reformers, but Luther's breakthrough vis-à-vis Romans did not leave us Methodists unaffected.  On one May evening in 1738, Wesley, who was going through a season of doubt and frustration, “very unwillingly” attended a Bible study on Aldersgate Street in London.  Listening as someone read Luther's commentary on Romans, he experienced God in a way that would change his life forever.  Reflecting on his experience, he wrote in his journal,
About a quarter before nine, while he was describing the change which God works in the heart through faith in Christ, I felt my heart strangely warmed.  I felt I did trust in Christ, Christ alone for salvation, and an assurance was given me that he had taken away my sins, even mine, and saved me from the law of sin and death.³

Paul writes, in his Letter to the Romans, that “God proves his love for us in that while we still were sinners Christ died for us.”  According to Paul, Christ gave His life not for good people, but for the ungodly, for people who could rightfully be considered Christ's enemies.⁴  In the Gospel of Luke, we read that Jesus prayed on behalf of the people who had just nailed Him to the cross, saying, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.”⁵  Because Jesus and His Father are one, as He said,⁶ we can be sure that His mockers and tormentors were indeed forgiven.  Paul suggests that Christ gave His life for us in order to reconcile us to God, with whom we had previously been in conflict.  How can we remain hostile toward someone who would make such a great sacrifice on our behalf?  Paul claims that, because Christ was resurrected, we can be confident not only that we are reconciled to God but that we will also be redeemed.⁷

Paul calls to mind the ancient story from the Book of Genesis that teaches us about the introduction of sin and death into the world.  Manipulated by a serpent, Adam and Eve eat fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, the one tree in the Garden of Eden from which God had forbidden them to eat.  This transgression, we read, had dire consequences for the future of humanity.  Because of sin, humans were set at odds with nature and with the ground they farmed; men and women were set at odds with each other and with their children; and humans were estranged from God and fated to one day return to the dust from which they came.⁸

Paul suggests that Adam is “a type of the one who was to come,” namely Jesus Christ.  Sin came into the world through Adam, but grace has come into the world through Christ.  Paul goes so far as to say that the effects of Adam's transgression pale in comparison to the effects of Christ's sacrifice.  He writes, “Just as one man's trespass led to condemnation for all, so one man's act of righteousness leads to justification and life for all,” concluding that, “where sin increased, grace abounded all the more.”  The sin that leads to death is overcome by the grace that leads to eternal life.⁹  In the words of the seventeenth century theologian Richard Sibbes, “There is more mercy in Christ than sin in us.”

Having established that God's grace triumphs over our sin, Paul asks rhetorically, “Should we continue in sin in order that grace may abound?”  Paul is addressing the concern that proclaiming God's grace basically gives people permission to do whatever they want.¹⁰  Honestly though, do any of us really need a license to sin when we are all experts in justifying our own actions?  We can do no wrong – in our own eyes, at least – if our definition of sin happens to make exceptions for anything we do.  Paul answers his own question, “By no means!  How can we who died to sin go on living in it?”  Paul is being quite emphatic here.  In the King James Version, his answer is translated, “God forbid.”  It has been suggested that it would not be inappropriate to translate his answer, “Hell no!”¹¹

Several years ago, one of the pastors of my church overheard a conversation between his young son and one of his son's friends.  Regarding something his son wanted to do, the friend said, “Don't do that!  God wouldn't like that.”  His son then said, “God will forgive me.”  On the one hand, my pastor was glad that his son understood that our God is a forgiving God, but, on the other hand, he could see that there were some important truths his son still needed to learn¹² – truths, I would say, that many of us, myself included, still need to learn.

This story highlights what theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer called cheap grace.  In The Cost of Discipleship, Bonhoeffer defines cheap grace as “the justification of sin without the justification of the sinner.”¹³  He writes,
Cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance, baptism without church discipline, Communion without confession, absolution without personal confession.  Cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ, living and incarnate.¹⁴
Cheap grace tells us that we are forgiven for our failures, but it makes no other significant difference in our lives.

God loves us and accepts us just as we are, but, because God loves us, God wants better for us.  Christ came to save us not only from the consequences of sin, but also from sin itself.  I am reminded of a story from the Gospel of John.  One day, some religious leaders brought to Jesus a woman who had been caught in an adulterous affair.  They asked Him if He thought the woman should be stoned to death as the Law of their religion prescribed.  Sure enough, the Book of Leviticus clearly states, “If a man commits adultery with the wife of his neighbor, both the adulterer and the adulteress shall be put to death.”¹⁵  Jesus knelt down, started writing in the sand, and then gave the crowd permission to stone the woman – with one caveat.  He said, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.”  One by one, they all put down their stones and walked away, leaving the woman alone with Jesus, who had no desire to condemn her.  Jesus saved her life, but He did not save her life so that she could jump back into bed with her lover, continue living a destructive life marked by secrecy and shame, and find herself once again surrounded by angry men with rocks.  “Go and sin no more,” He said to her.¹⁶  We are not given second chances in life so that we can make the same mistakes we made the first time around.

Jesus said, “No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”¹⁷  Christ showed His love for us when He laid down His life for us on the cross.  One does not “lay down one’s life for one’s friends” so that they can waste the rest of their lives.  One “lay[s] down one’s life for one’s friends” so that they can live the rest of their lives to the fullest.

Bonhoeffer contrasts cheap grace with what he calls costly grace, the grace by which Christ calls us to leave our former lives behind and follow Him.  Reflecting on what he knows about Luther's experience of such grace, he writes,
It was grace, for it was like water on parched ground, comfort in tribulation, freedom from the bondage of a self-chosen way, and forgiveness of all his sins. And it was costly, for, so far from dispensing him from good works, it meant that he must take the call to discipleship more seriously than ever before.¹⁸
Grace is free, but it is not cheap.  To receive what Christ freely offers us, we must receive it with both hands, meaning that we will have to let go of some things.

To help us to see what God's grace means in regards to the way we live our lives, Paul reminds us of our baptism.  He writes,
Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death?  Therefore we have been buried with him by baptism into death, so that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life.
According to William Barclay, Paul is writing about concepts that both the Jews and the Gentiles of his day would understand.  Converts to Judaism were required to undergo baptism, and, upon emerging from the water, they were considered newborns.  Participants in the Greek mystery religions underwent initiation rituals by which they came to identify with deities that had died and risen again.  Those who underwent these rituals were also thought to be dead and reborn.¹⁹  For Christians, baptism is an entry point, for it is the ritual by which we are welcomed into the community of faith that is the universal Church.  Baptism has other implications for our lives.  According to scholar N.T. Wright,
[Paul's] answer is that in becoming a Christian you move from one type of humanity to the other, and you should never think of yourself in the original mode again.  More particularly, in becoming a Christian you die and rise again with the Messiah.²⁰

Paul continues, “If we have been united with [Christ] in a death like his, we will certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his.”  Perhaps Paul is suggesting that our baptism marks not only our induction into the Church, but also our entry onto the path Christ walked, the path of death and resurrection.  Perhaps we do not simply benefit from the death and resurrection of Christ; perhaps we actually participate in them.  To experience the new and abundant life to which Christ invites us, we must first die in some way, metaphorically speaking.  Jesus once said, “Very truly, I tell you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just a single grain; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.”²¹  Similarly, we could say that a caterpillar must first be entombed in the hard shell of a chrysalis before it can begin its new life as a butterfly.

This pattern of death and resurrection is illustrated quite vividly in C.S. Lewis's strange and fantastical novel The Great Divorce.  In this work, Lewis tells the story of a group of ghosts from Hell who take a trip to Heaven on a flying bus.  They are all invited to stay in Heaven, but, surprisingly, many of them, of their own free will, choose to get back on the bus for the return trip to Hell.  Ultimately, those who truly want to stay in Heaven must die to whatever would keep them in Hell.  They must let go of whatever they would make themselves miserable to keep.²²

One of the ghosts who visits Heaven is seen walking around with a small, red lizard perched on his shoulder.  The lizard flicks its tail against the ghost's back like a whip and whispers incessantly into the ghost's ear, refusing to settle down until the ghost agrees to do what it tells him to do.  When the ghost gives in and does what the lizard wants, it shuts up and goes to sleep.  The ghost is not particularly proud of his “passenger”: in fact, he seems to be rather ashamed of it.  This lizard is not his pet but rather a physical manifestation of something in his life – something that nags him constantly and seems to have a measure of control over what he does.

At the lizard's insistence, the ghost agrees to go back to the bus to return to Hell.  On the way, he is met by an angel who offers to silence the lizard for him.  The ghost is quite grateful for the offer until he learns that the angel is offering not to merely quiet the lizard, but rather to kill it.  At first, the ghost refuses the angel's help.  The lizard is a source of constant misery for him, but it is a part of him, and he fears that killing the lizard would destroy him as well.  The lizard wakes up and begins to plead for its life, and it even tries to bargain with the ghost.  Having finally had enough, the ghost relents and accepts the angel's help.  With flaming hands, the angel grabs the lizard, wrenches it until its back breaks, and throws its dead body to the ground.  The ghost passes out from pain.

Then something incredible happens.  The ghost begins to transform, becoming bright, solid, and healthy like the residents of Heaven.  At the same time, the dead lizard begins to move again.  It grows and transforms into a beautiful stallion.  The reborn spirit mounts the steed and rides it into the mountains to continue his journey in Heaven.  The man's lust, which was represented by the lizard, died and was resurrected as a holy, God-given desire, which was represented by the stallion.  The corrupted part the man once served was redeemed and transformed into something that would serve him greatly on his journey, but it had to die so that it could be resurrected.²³

Paul teaches us that, through our baptism, we die with Christ and rise with Christ.  He goes on to say that, because we die and rise with Christ, we “also must consider [ourselves] dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.”  There are parts of us that need to die so that they may be resurrected.  Perhaps this is why Jesus said, “If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”²⁴  Nobody takes up a cross without dying on it.

There is more to the saving work of God than justification.  Salvation involves not only a change in our legal standing before God but also a change in our character.²⁵  John Wesley spoke of three modes of God's grace at work in salvation.  Prevenient grace is the grace that draws us to God; justifying grace is the grace that forgives us and reconciles us to God; and sanctifying grace is the grace that renews and transforms us.²⁶

I think that Paul, in his letters, points those of us who have experienced the justifying grace of God toward the process of sanctification.  In another letter, Paul writes, “Take off the old human nature with its practices and put on the new nature, which is renewed in knowledge by conforming to the image of the one who created it.”²⁷  I do not think that Paul suggesting that sanctification is as simple as changing clothes, for transformation is rarely simple, clean, easy, or quick.  As a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly within its chrysalis, it is broken down and reassembled.  So it is with sanctification.

Sanctification is not something we can accomplish on our own.  According to Wesley, “We are enabled 'by the Spirit' to 'mortify the deeds of the body,' of our evil nature; and as we are more and more dead to sin, we are more and more alive to God.”²⁸  In yet another letter, Paul writes, “Now the works of the flesh are obvious: fornication, impurity, licentiousness, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, anger, quarrels, dissensions, factions, envy, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these.”²⁹  These are the kinds of “deeds” the Holy Spirit enables us to “mortify.”  Paul continues, “By contrast, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.”³⁰  These are the kinds of things the Spirit brings to life within us.

In the words of St. Paul, “While we were still sinners Christ died for us.”  Christ laid down His life to prove God's love for us, so that we may be reconciled to God, but Christ did not lay down His life for us so that we can remain unchanged.  In His own words, He “came that [we] may have life, and have it abundantly.”³¹  To experience the abundant life Christ offers us, the old things in us must die so that new things may be born in us.  Everything God does for us and in us is an act of grace.  By grace God seeks us out; by grace God accepts us and forgives us; and by grace God transforms us into what we were created to be.

Thanks be to God.


Notes:

1. Wikipedia: “Theology of Martin Luther”
2. Romans 1:17 (NRSV)
3. http://www.ccel.org/ccel/wesley/journal.vi.ii.xvi.html
4. Romans 5:6-11 (NRSV)
5. Luke 23:33-34 (NRSV)
6. John 10:30
7. Romans 5:6-11
8. Genesis 3
9. Romans 5:12-21 (NRSV)
10. Joel B. Green, William H. Willimon, et al.  The Wesley Study Bible (NRSV).  2009, Abingdon Press.  p. 1374
11. Jason Micheli, Taylor Mertens, Teer Hardy, and Johanna Hartelius.  I Like Big Buts: Reflections on Paul's Letter to the Romans.  pp. 78-79
12. Jonathan Tompkins.  “I Believe in the Forgiveness of Sins.”  Travelers Rest United Methodist Church podcast, 05/21/17.
13. Dietrich Bonhoeffer.  The Cost of Discipleship (translated by R.H. Fuller and Irmgard Booth).  ch. 1
14. ibid.
15. Leviticus 20:10 (NRSV)
16. John 8:2-11 (NKJV)
17. John 15:13 (NRSV)
18. Bonhoeffer, ch. 1
19. William Barclay.  The New Daily Study Bible: The Letter to the Romans.  2002, Westminster John Knox Press.  pp. 98-100
20. N.T. Wright.  Paul for Everyone, Romans: Part One.  2011, Westminster John Knox Press.
21. John 12:24 (NRSV)
22. C.S. Lewis.  The Great Divorce.  ch. 1-9
23. Lewis, ch. 11
24. Luke 9:23 (NRSV)
25. The Wesley Study Bible, p. 1374
26. John Wesley.  Sermon 43: “The Scripture Way of Salvation.”
27. Colossians 3:9b-10 (CEB)
28. Wesley, Sermon 43
29. Galatians 5:19-21a (NRSV)
30. Galatians 5:22-23a (NRSV)
31. John 10:10 (NRSV)

The photograph of the chrysalis was taken by Viren Vaz and is used under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.5 Generic license.  The photograph of the butterfly was taken by PJC&Co and is used under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license.  Neither photographer is in any way affiliated with this blog.

Introspection: Gone Fishing

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.

Comments are always welcomed.

If you find these thoughts helpful, please share.

Gone Fishing

Simon Peter told them, "I'm going fishing."

They said, "We'll go with you."  They set out in a boat, but throughout the night they caught nothing.

John 21:3 (CEB)

Hey you

Out there beyond the wall

Breaking bottles in the hall

Can you help me?

From "Hey You" by Pink Floyd

For the last few weeks, the pastors of my church have been preaching a series of sermons based on the book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero.¹  Reading the book for myself and discussing the sermons with my small group have helped me to gain a new perspective on some things in my life.

In one chapter of the book, Scazzero describes what he calls the "Wall."  The Wall is what St. John of the Cross called the "Dark Night of the Soul."  It is a season in one's life marked by doubt and spiritual dryness.  This season is often brought on by some sort of crisis or disappointment.  During this time, God might seem distant, and one's faith might not seem to work as it once did.  When we reach the Wall, we need to somehow make our way through it, but we will need God's help.  Many people find themselves stuck at the Wall, while others bounce off the wall more entrenched in their ways.²

As for me, I feel like I hit a Wall back in 2013.

A couple of my friends from my small group, both of whom are retired pastors, seem to think that I ought to go into the ministry.  December 28 of this year will be the tenth anniversary of the day I delivered my very first sermon, so the idea of going into the ministry is not new to me.  For a while, I thought I might actually be headed in that direction.  To dip my toe into the water, I started preaching at my home church.  Later on, I started taking classes with Lay Servant Ministries so that I could fill in as preacher at other churches within my denomination.

A series of events starting in 2013 showed me that I just don't love people enough to be a pastor.  I realized that I tend to bail out on people when I feel that they want too much from me.  There is simply no point in trying to be a minister if I'm too selfish to minister to people.  I did feel as though a rift had opened between myself and God, not because I felt that God had disappointed me but because I felt that I had disappointed God.

What Scazzero calls the Wall, my pastor Jonathan calls the "Wilderness."  In his sermon on the subject, he referenced a number of people in the Bible who went through a Wilderness of some sort.  At God's call, Abraham and Sarah journeyed through the wilderness into the unknown.  After leaving Egypt, Moses and the Israelites wandered in the wilderness for forty years before they finally reached the Promised Land.  Elijah fled into the wilderness when the queen threatened his life.  The Israelites walked again through the wilderness into exile when their homeland was conquered.  Even Jesus himself wandered the wilderness for forty days, where He faced temptation.  Jonathan encouraged the congregation to consider which of these stories parallel our own.³

When it comes to my own experience at the Wall, the Biblical story that resonates the most with me is that of Peter.  Once known as Simon, Peter left behind his job as a fisherman to become a student of Jesus.  Always the most brash and most eager of the Disciples, Peter once declared that he was willing to die for Jesus.  Jesus, who knew that trouble was coming, warned Peter that he would deny knowing Him three times by morning.⁴  A few hours later, after Jesus was arrested, Peter denied that he knew Jesus, just as Jesus had predicted.⁵

I suspect that Peter hit a Wall of his own when he denied Jesus.  One night, after Jesus had been crucified and resurrected, Peter told some of the other Disciples that he was going fishing.  The others went with him, and they spent the night catching nothing.  There are various interpretations regarding the significance of this fishing trip.  Personally, I suspect that Peter must have felt like a failure and that, by going fishing, he basically tendered his resignation as a disciple and returned to his former line of work.

When I hit my Wall, I too "went fishing," so to speak.  I gave up on ever becoming a pastor, and I kept doing what I was doing as a layperson.  I kept writing, teaching Sunday school, and preaching on occasion.  After years of taking classes, I was finally certified as a Lay Speaker, and I even started teaching one of the classes I had taken.

Peter might have resigned as a disciple, but Jesus reached out to him once again.  Three times, Peter had denied knowing Jesus.  Three times Jesus asked Peter, "Do you love me?"  Three times Peter said yes, and three times Jesus called him to feed His sheep.⁶  Peter was still a "rock" on whom Jesus would build His church.

The journey through the Wall is a time of learning and growth.  According to Scazzero, people who make it through the Wall become less judgmental, more comfortable with mystery, more patient, and more detached from their circumstances.  Scazzero said that, when he made it through his own Wall, he was more free from the opinions of others, more clear about who he is, and more assured of God's love for him.⁷

I'm not sure I've fully made it through the Wall, but I feel like I have been changed by my experience.  Looking back, I think that, if I gone into the ministry years ago, I would have been eaten alive.  People expect pastors to be all things to all people, and I have no doubt that I would have expected the same of myself.  I did not have clarity about what is mine to do and what is not mine to do.  I did not think realistically about what others should expect of me and what I should expect of myself.  I did not see a difference between being selfish and doing what is right for myself.  My experience at the Wall has forced me to reconsider such things.  I'm starting to see that neither selfishness nor selflessness is really a good way of life.  The world doesn't revolve around me, but I still matter.

I've never been very good at predicting my own future.  I suppose it's still possible that someday I'll find myself in pastoral ministry, but, for the time being, I'll keep on "fishing" by serving as a layperson.  Whatever happens, I think I'm better off having hit the Wall several years ago, because it showed me that, regardless of what I do, I have to be myself and not what everyone wants me to be.  If we could see the difficulties that obstruct the path ahead of us, we would doubtlessly take detours, but, when we look back on the trials we've faced, we can see how they've made us stronger.


Notes:

1. Peter Scazzero.  Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: It's Impossible to Be Spiritually Mature, While Remaining Emotionally Immature.  2017, Zondervan.
2. Scazzero, ch. 4
3. Jonathan Tompkins.  "In the Wilderness."  Travelers Rest United Methodist Church, 10/28/2018.
4. John 13:36-38
5. John 18:15-18, 25-27
6. John 21:15-17
7. Scazzero, ch. 4

The photograph of the fishermen was taken by Francis Hannaway and is used under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license.  The photographer is in no way affiliated with this blog.

Introspection: Looking Back

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.

Comments are always welcomed.

If you find these thoughts helpful, please share.

Looking Back

Enter his gates with thanksgiving,

and his courts with praise.

Give thanks to him, bless his name.

For the Lord is good;

his steadfast love endures forever,

and his faithfulness to all generations.

Psalm 100:4-5 (NRSV)

I forgot that I might see

So many beautiful things

I forgot that I might need

To find out what life could bring

From "Beautiful Things" by Andain

Since another calendar year is coming to an end, I spent some time over the past week looking back on 2017.  As I skimmed over my journal entries from the past year, I noticed some recurring themes - or perhaps I should say, recurring feelings.  One feeling is that of loss.  I don't think I've quite gotten over the losses I experienced a couple of years ago, and I suffered even more loss when the church I attended for most of my life closed it's doors in July.  Another recurring theme is anger.  I have a tendency to lose my cool when things go wrong, and it seems that things go wrong all the time.  A third is anxiety.  The things that have worried me over the last few years have not changed, and I feel like I'm always finding new sources of worry.

Probably the theme or feeling that came up in my journal the most during the past year is tiredness.  I lost count of how many times I wrote in my journal, "I'm tired."  I must have spent the entire year exhausted.  I suspect that my tiredness is somehow related to the other feelings I felt last year.

At the beginning of the year, I wrote that, after a prolonged season of pain, frustration, and stagnation in my life, I was trying to reconnect with a certain feeling I felt circa 2010, a stirring I felt in my soul amid a time of movement and positive change in my life.  Years ago, I felt that my life was actually heading somewhere, and I wanted to experience that feeling again after spending far too much time feeling that I've been spinning my wheels.

Looking back over the past year has also given me a chance to evaluate whether or not there has been any change, movement, or growth in my life, despite my feelings to the contrary.

By the middle of the year, I realized that I had unwittingly entered into another season of growth, particularly when it comes to preaching.  I delivered my very first sermon around Christmas of 2008, because I wanted to know if I had it in me to preach.  Since then, I've preached a few times every year, mostly at my home church.  When I left my home church in late 2015, I figured that my preaching "career" was pretty much over.  Ironically, the one thing I was certain I would lose was one thing that actually flourished.  From July of 2016 through June of 2017, I preached more than I had ever preached in any twelve-month span.

In March, a friend of mine who is a pastor asked me to "prayerfully consider" preaching at his church in August.  To be honest, I didn't pray about it: I just said yes.  Often I feel somewhat annoyed when people want something from me; however, when I am asked to preach, I enthusiastically jump at the opportunity, even though I know I will have to give up more of my free time so that I can prepare or revise a sermon.

I delivered my last sermon in August, and I probably will not preach again until February of the new year.  My opportunities to preach have been few lately, mostly because I did a majority of my preaching at my home church, which, as I noted earlier, has closed its doors.  This slow season has given me the opportunity to figure out where I belong in my new church, which I officially joined in September, having attended regularly for more than a year and a half.  I've started taking turns leading Sunday school once again, and I will also start leading my small group when we start meeting again in the new year.  What I like about attending a larger church is that I can focus my energies on doing the things I feel led to do without having to juggle a bunch of hats I have no business wearing.

A few other significant events happened in my life this year.  In March, I taught a class on Wesleyan heritage and doctrine for Lay Servant Ministries.  In April, I was finally certified as a Lay Speaker in the United Methodist Church, meaning that I am now officially certified to do what I've been doing for years.  During the last quarter of the year, I participated in a somewhat intensive study of the Old Testament at my new church.

There was indeed movement and change in my life last year, though my vision was frequently clouded by things like anxiety, frustration, and tiredness.  I have also regained some of what I've lost.  If I have learned anything by looking back on the past year, it is that our feelings, particularly those that weigh us down, might not be the best gauge for our lives.  I am not saying that we should ignore our feelings completely, for, like the warning lights on the dashboard of a car, they might be telling us that we have problems that need to be addressed.  What I am saying is that sometimes we actually need to take an inventory of our lives if we want to see what is really going on, in spite of what our feelings might be telling us.

As you can probably tell, I have a tendency to lose sight of the good things I have in life because I'm so focused on the good things I've lost and the good things I fear I'll never have.  I suppose it's easy to lose sight of the good in life because things like loss and disappointment are painful and, as a result, are difficult to ignore.

So how can I prevent myself from losing sight of the good things in my life?  This is one of those situations in which I already know the solution to my problem but have failed to put it into practice.  I think a good way for us to keep our eyes on the good things in our lives is to practice gratitude.  Practicing gratitude will not negate the painful things of life, but it can serve as a reminder that there is more to life than the painful things by forcing us to take stock of what is good.  Gratitude might also be a good focus for a new year.

It is a common practice to make a resolution at the beginning of a new calendar year, but our New Year's resolutions are utterly useless if we do not take actual steps to meet our goals.  What steps can we take if we want to become more grateful in the new year?  As for me, I think I will start by making it a practice to look back at the end of each day and find at least one thing from the day for which I can be thankful.

As you look back on 2017 and look ahead to 2018, dear reader, may you give thanks for the good things of the past year and bid the bad things a not-so-fond adieu.  May you have a happy - and grateful - new year!


The photograph of the car mirror was taken by Joe Mabel and is used under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license.  The photographer is in no way affiliated with this blog.

Sermon: Dying and Rising

Delivered at Bethel United Methodist Church and Brandon United Methodist Church in Greenville, South Carolina on June 25, 2017

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.

Comments are always welcomed.

If you find these thoughts helpful, please share.

Dying and Rising

Audio Version

What then are we to say?  Should we continue in sin in order that grace may abound?  By no means!  How can we who died to sin go on living in it?  Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death?  Therefore we have been buried with him by baptism into death, so that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life.

For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his.  We know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be destroyed, and we might no longer be enslaved to sin.  For whoever has died is freed from sin.  But if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him.  We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him.  The death he died, he died to sin, once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.  So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.

Romans 6:1-11 (NRSV)

Dreaming about Providence

And whether mice or men have second tries

Maybe we've been living with our eyes half open

Maybe we're bent and broken

We were meant to live for so much more

Have we lost ourselves?

From “Meant to Live” by Switchfoot

The Epistle to the Romans, which is probably the most famous of St. Paul's writings, has been an inspiration to Christians ever since it was first read out loud to the congregation in Rome.  This letter has been foundational to the theology of many Christians, especially those of us who call ourselves Protestants.  It was a verse from Romans that unlocked for Martin Luther a greater understanding of God's grace.¹  He read, “For in [the Gospel] the righteousness of God is revealed through faith for faith; as it is written, 'The one who is righteous will live by faith.'”²  Luther went on to light the fuse for what we call the Reformation.

The movement John Wesley started was somewhat different from those of other reformers, but Luther's breakthrough vis-à-vis Romans did not leave us Methodists unaffected.  On one May evening in 1738, Wesley, who was going through a season of doubt and frustration, reluctantly attended a Bible study on Aldersgate Street in London.  Listening as someone read Luther's commentary on Romans, he experienced God in a way that would change his life forever.  Reflecting on the experience, he wrote in his journal,
About a quarter before nine, while he was describing the change which God works in the heart through faith in Christ, I felt my heart strangely warmed.  I felt I did trust in Christ, Christ alone for salvation, and an assurance was given me that he had taken away my sins, even mine, and saved me from the law of sin and death.³

Paul writes, in his Letter to the Romans, that “God proves his love for us in that while we still were sinners Christ died for us.”⁴  The pastor of my home church recently reminded the congregation that, because of what Christ has done, we have been justified, or put back into a right relationship with God, and that the life of the justified is “a mix of peace, hope, suffering, and love.”  We have a peace that only God can give us, a hope that is grounded in what Christ has done for us, endurance in the midst of our suffering, and a love from God that covers even the worst of our transgressions.⁵

According to Paul, Christ gave His life not for good people, but for the ungodly, for people who would be considered Christ's enemies.  In the Gospel of Luke, we read that Jesus prayed on behalf of the people who had just nailed Him to the cross, saying, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.”⁶  Paul suggests that Christ gave His life for us in order to reconcile us to God, with whom we had previously been in conflict.  How can we remain hostile toward someone who would make such a great sacrifice on our behalf?  Paul claims that, because Christ was raised back to life, we can be confident not only that we are reconciled to God but that we will also be redeemed.⁷

Paul calls to mind the ancient story from the Book of Genesis that teaches us about the introduction of sin and death into the world.  Manipulated by a serpent, Adam and Eve eat fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, the one tree in the Garden of Eden from which God had forbidden them to eat.  This transgression, we read, had dire consequences for the future of humanity.  Because of sin, humans were set at odds with nature and with the ground they farmed; men and women were set at odds with each other and with their children; and humans were estranged from God and fated to one day return to the dust from which they came.⁸

Paul suggests that Adam is “a type of the one who was to come,” namely Jesus Christ.  Sin came into the world through Adam, but grace has come into the world through Christ.  Paul goes so far as to say that the effects of Adam's transgression pale in comparison to the effects of Christ's sacrifice.  He writes, “Just as one man's trespass led to condemnation for all, so one man's act of righteousness leads to justification and life for all,” concluding that, “where sin increased, grace abounded all the more.”  The sin that leads to death is overcome by the grace that leads to eternal life.⁹  In the words of the seventeenth century theologian Richard Sibbes, “There is more mercy in Christ than sin in us.”

Having established that God's grace triumphs over our sin, Paul asks, “Should we continue in sin in order that grace may abound?”  Some suggest that, with this rhetorical question, Paul is addressing the concern that proclaiming God's grace basically gives people permission to do whatever they want.¹⁰  Do any of us really need a license to sin when we are all experts in justifying our own actions?  We can do no wrong – in our own eyes, at least – if our definition of sin happens to make exceptions for anything we do.  Paul immediately answers his own question, “By no means!  How can we who died to sin go on living in it?”  Paul is being quite emphatic here.  In the King James Version, Paul's answer is translated, “God forbid.”

The senior pastor at the church I usually attend once overheard a conversation between his young son and one of his son's friends.  In regards to something his son wanted to do, the friend said, “Don't do that!  God wouldn't like that.”  His son then said, “God will forgive me.”  On the one hand, my pastor was glad that his son understood that our God is a forgiving God, but, on the other hand, he could see that there were some important truths his son still needed to learn – truths, I would say, that many of us still need to learn.¹¹

This story highlights what theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer called cheap grace.  In The Cost of Discipleship, Bonhoeffer defines cheap grace as “the justification of sin without the justification of the sinner.”¹²  He writes,
Cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance, baptism without church discipline, Communion without confession, absolution without personal confession.  Cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ, living and incarnate.¹³
Cheap grace tells us that we are forgiven for our failures, but it makes no other significant difference in our lives.

God loves us and accepts us just as we are, but, because God loves us, God wants better for us.  Christ came to save us not only from the consequences of sin, but also from sin itself.  I am reminded of a story from the Gospel of John.  One day, some Pharisees and religious scholars brought to Jesus a woman who had been caught in an adulterous affair, and they asked Him if He thought the woman should be stoned to death as the Law of their religion prescribed.  Jesus knelt down, started writing in the sand, and then gave the crowd permission to stone the woman – with one caveat.  He said, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.”  One by one, they all put down their stones and walked away, leaving the woman alone with Jesus, who had no desire to condemn her.  Jesus did not save her life so that she could jump back into bed with her lover, continue living a destructive life marked by secrecy and shame, and most likely find herself once again surrounded by angry men with rocks.  “Go and sin no more,” He said to her.¹⁴

Christ laid down His life for us.  One does not give his life for the sake of another person so that the other person can waste the rest of his life.  One gives his life for the sake of another person so that the other person can live the rest of his life to the fullest.  A person is not given a second chance so that she can do the same thing she did the first time around.

Bonhoeffer contrasts cheap grace with what he calls costly grace, the grace by which Christ calls us to leave our former lives behind and follow Him.  Reflecting on what he knows about Luther's experience of such grace, he writes,
It was grace, for it was like water on parched ground, comfort in tribulation, freedom from the bondage of a self-chosen way, and forgiveness of all his sins. And it was costly, for, so far from dispensing him from good works, it meant that he must take the call to discipleship more seriously than ever before.¹⁵
Grace is free, but it is not cheap.  To receive what Christ freely offers us, we must receive it with both hands, meaning that we will have to let go of some things.

To help us to see what God's grace means in regards to the way we live our lives, Paul reminds us of our baptism.  He writes,
Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death?  Therefore we have been buried with him by baptism into death, so that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life.
Baptism is an entry point, for it is the ritual by which a person is welcomed into the community of faith that is the universal Church.  Baptism has other implications for a person's life.  According to scholar N.T. Wright,
[Paul's] answer is that in becoming a Christian you move from one type of humanity to the other, and you should never think of yourself in the original mode again.  More particularly, in becoming a Christian you die and rise again with the Messiah.¹⁶

Paul continues, “If we have been united with [Christ] in a death like his, we will certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his.”  I think that maybe Paul is suggesting that our baptism marks not only our induction into the Church, but also our entry onto the path Christ walked, the path of death and resurrection.  We do not simply benefit from the death and resurrection of Christ: we participate in them.  To experience the new and abundant life to which Christ invites us, we must first die in some way, metaphorically speaking.  Jesus once said, “Very truly, I tell you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just a single grain; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.”¹⁷  Similarly, we could say that a caterpillar must first be entombed in the hard shell of its chrysalis before it can begin its life anew as a butterfly.

This pattern of death and resurrection is illustrated quite vividly in C.S. Lewis's strange and fantastical novel The Great Divorce.  In this work, Lewis tells the story of a group of ghosts from Hell who take a bus ride to Heaven.  They are all invited to stay in Heaven, but, surprisingly, many of them, of their own free will, choose to get back on the bus for the return trip to Hell.  Ultimately, those who truly want to stay in Heaven must die to whatever would keep them in Hell, whatever they would make themselves miserable to keep.¹⁸

One of the ghosts who visits Heaven is seen walking around with a small, red lizard perched on his shoulder.  The lizard flicks its tail against the ghost's back like a whip and whispers incessantly into the ghost's ear, refusing to settle down until the ghost agrees to do what it tells him to do.  When the ghost gives in and does what the lizard wants, it shuts up and goes to sleep.  The ghost is not particularly proud of his “passenger”: in fact, he seems to be rather ashamed of it.  This lizard is not merely a pet but rather a physical manifestation of something in his life – something that nags him constantly and seems to have a measure of control over what he does.

At the lizard's insistence, the ghost agrees to go back to the bus to return to Hell.  On the way, he is met by an angel who offers to silence the lizard for him.  The ghost is quite grateful for the offer until he learns that the angel is offering not to merely quiet the lizard, but rather to kill it.  At first, the ghost refuses the angel's help.  The lizard is a source of constant misery for him, but it is a part of him, and he fears that killing the lizard would destroy him as well.  The lizard wakes up and begins to plead for its life, and it even tries to bargain with the ghost.  Having finally had enough, the ghost relents and accepts the angel's help.  With flaming hands, the angel grabs the lizard, wrenches it until its back breaks, and throws the dead lizard to the ground.  The ghost passes out from pain.

Then something remarkable happens.  The ghost begins to transform, becoming bright, solid, and healthy like the residents of Heaven.  At the same time, the dead lizard begins to move again.  It grows and transforms into a beautiful stallion.  The reborn spirit mounts the steed and rides it into the mountains to continue his journey in Heaven.  The man's lust, which was represented by the lizard, died and was resurrected as a holy, God-given desire, which was represented by the stallion.  The corrupted part the man once served was redeemed and transformed into something that would serve him greatly on his journey, but it had to die so that it could be resurrected.¹⁹

Paul teaches us that, through our baptism, we die with Christ and rise with Christ.  He goes on to say that, because we die and rise with Christ, we “also must consider [ourselves] dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.”  There are parts of us that need to die so that they may be resurrected.  Perhaps this is why Jesus said, “If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”²⁰  Nobody takes up a cross without dying on it.

There is more to the saving work of God than justification.  Salvation involves not merely a change in our legal standing before God but a change in our character.²¹  John Wesley spoke of three modes of God's grace at work in salvation.  Prevenient grace is the grace that draws us to God; justifying grace is the grace that forgives us and reconciles us to God; and sanctifying grace is the grace that renews and transforms us.²²

I think that Paul, in his letters, points those of us who have experienced the justifying grace of God toward the process of sanctification.  In another letter, Paul writes,  “Take off the old human nature with its practices and put on the new nature, which is renewed in knowledge by conforming to the image of the one who created it.”²³  I do not think that Paul is trying to tell us that sanctification is as simple as changing clothes, for the process of transformation is rarely simple, clean, easy, or quick.  As a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly within its chrysalis, it is broken down and reassembled.  So it can be with the spiritual life.

Sanctification is not something we can accomplish on our own.  According to Wesley, “We are enabled 'by the Spirit' to 'mortify the deeds of the body,' of our evil nature; and as we are more and more dead to sin, we are more and more alive to God.”²⁴  In yet another letter, Paul writes, “Now the works of the flesh are obvious: fornication, impurity, licentiousness, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, anger, quarrels, dissensions, factions, envy, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these.”²⁵  These are the kinds of things the Holy Spirit enables us to put to death.  Paul continues, “By contrast, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.”²⁶  These are the kinds of things the Spirit brings to life within us.

In the words of St. Paul, “While we were still sinners Christ died for us.”  Christ gave His life to prove God's love for us, so that we may be reconciled to God, but Christ did not give His life for us so that we can remain unchanged.  In His own words, He “came that [we] may have life, and have it abundantly.”²⁷  To experience the abundant life Christ offers us, some things in us must die so that other things may be born in us.  Everything God does for us and in us is an act of grace.  By grace God seeks us out; by grace God accepts us and forgives us; and by grace God transforms us into what we were created to be.

Thanks be to God.


Notes:

1. Wikipedia: Theology of Martin Luther
2. Romans 1:17 (NRSV)
3. http://www.ccel.org/ccel/wesley/journal.vi.ii.xvi.html
4. Romans 5:8 (NRSV)
5. This is my brief synopsis of the previous week's sermon at Bethel UMC, which was delivered by Pastor Sylvia Watson.
6. Luke 23:33-34 (NRSV)
7. Romans 5:6-11
8. Genesis 3
9. Romans 5:12-21 (NRSV)
10. Joel B. Green, William H. Willimon, et al.  The Wesley Study Bible (NRSV).  2009, Abingdon Press.  p. 1374
11. Jonathan Tompkins.  “I Believe in the Forgiveness of Sins.”  Travelers Rest United Methodist Church podcast, 05/21/17.
12. Dietrich Bonhoeffer.  The Cost of Discipleship (translated by R.H. Fuller and Irmgard Booth).  ch. 1
13. ibid.
14. John 8:2-11 (NKJV)
15. Bonhoeffer, ch. 1
16. N.T. Wright.  Paul for Everyone, Romans: Part One.  2011, Westminster John Knox Press.
17. John 12:24 (NRSV)
18. C.S. Lewis.  The Great Divorce.  ch. 1-9
19. Lewis, ch 11
20. Luke 9:23 (NRSV)
21. The Wesley Study Bible, p. 1374
22. John Wesley.  Sermon 43: “The Scripture Way of Salvation.”
23. Colossians 3:9b-10 (CEB)
24. Wesley, Sermon 43
25. Galatians 5:19-21a (NRSV)
26. Galatians 5:22-23a (NRSV)
27. John 10:10 (NRSV)

The photograph of the chrysalis was taken by Viren Vaz and is used under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.5 Generic license.  The photograph of the butterfly was taken by PJC&Co and is used under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license.  Neither photographer is in any way affiliated with this blog.

Introspection: A Time of Stagnation

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.

Comments are always welcomed.

If you find these thoughts helpful, please share.

A Time of Stagnation

Hope postponed grieves the heart;

but when a dream comes true, life is full and sweet.

Proverbs 13:12 (The Voice)

Tonight

I'm alive

I've watched you all grow up and so have I

Inside

This isn't really what I had in mind

From "Tonight" by Staind

My previous introspection was a testimony I delivered as part of a talk last weekend during a spiritual retreat.  This year, I have tried really hard to post something every week, but sometimes, when my life is rather busy, I end up posting whatever I have on hand.  That testimony documents a span of roughly five years, starting with my falling into a bad job situation in late 2007 and continuing through a time of radical growth in my life until late 2012.  People who have followed my writing for any significant amount of time might be tired of reading about my experience in the gambling industry, but it is a story I will treasure in my heart for the rest of my life.  It is my story of being delivered from shame and misery and being called to greater purpose in life.

During that time of growth, I thought that my life was going somewhere.  In 2012, I started to think that my life was going somewhere I did not want it to go.  I say this as one who has a tendency to float through life.  Eventually, when the proverbial merry-go-round starting spinning a little too fast, I put my foot down to stop the ride.  2013 was a rather difficult year for me, for I saw some things in myself I didn't particularly want to see.  2014 wasn't much better.

The last two years have been for me a time of frustration and restlessness.  My life is not what I would like it to be: I feel that I ought to be further on my journey than I am right now.  There are times when I wonder if my life is going anywhere at all.  Spinning my wheels is a phrase I have used a lot lately.  I'm not saying that my life is devoid of anything good and meaningful; in fact, sometimes there is so much going on in my life that life seems hectic.  Despite my busyness, something about my life just seems stagnant at times.  I feel that something needs to change, but I'm not quite sure what that something is.

Some people would refer to my time working in the gambling industry as a wilderness experience, comparing it to the ancient Israelites' long journey through the desert from Egypt to the Promised Land or to Jesus' forty days of fasting and struggling against temptation in the desert.  Once I would have agreed, but now I'm not so sure.  In the case of the ancient Israelites, the wilderness experience was the long, arduous journey from a place of oppression and misery to the place God had prepared for them.  That said, I wonder if maybe my "exodus" from the gambling industry actually marked my entry into the wilderness.¹

The wilderness is the seemingly endless wasteland that stretches between the place we were not meant to be and the place we were meant to be.  It is where we are prepared for whatever comes next.  It is the place where we could very well be stripped of everything until we are left with nothing that is not truly part of ourselves.  In the wilderness there is freedom, but there is also great difficulty.  In the wilderness, we receive instruction from God, and we also contend with God.  In the wilderness, we progress toward our destination at times, and we wander aimlessly at times.  In the wilderness there are highs and lows, successes and failures, times of growth and times of stagnation.

Every since I entered into the wilderness, it seems that every supposed sighting of whatever "promised land" awaits me has turned out to be a mirage or an oasis.  Perhaps I have yet to learn whatever lessons the wilderness experience is supposed to teach me.  Several months ago, I agreed to help with the retreat, but, as the weekend drew near, I began to hope that God would give me some great, life-changing epiphany.  I just hoped that something would happen - something that would give me some clarity about my journey ahead.

Unfortunately, I received no such revelation, but I would not say that I was left wanting.  Early in the weekend, I became aware of my negativity and my cynicism - perhaps one could say I was "convicted."  I began to wonder if maybe my pessimistic outlook is contributing to what I perceive as stagnation in my life.  Negativity robs us of hope and joy, and bitterness keeps us trapped in the past, unable to move forward into the future.  I decided to repent of these things.  I will not say that I've suddenly become Mr. Positivity: changing my outlook on life will be an ongoing process.  I will have to choose to be hopeful and optimistic day by day, with each opportunity that comes my way.

A twinge of pain later in the weekend helped me to understand why I had turned to negativity: I have been using negativity to numb myself.  If I choose to be hopeful, I will leave myself vulnerable to pain.  Hope is easily misplaced, and false hope often leads to disappointment and heartache, but despair brings with it a twisted sense of certainty.  If I just assume that life is nothing but a big pile of crap, I will never have to worry about being disappointed.  There are plenty of opportunities for confirmation bias to tell me that I'm right, but I can be pleasantly surprised when life actually goes well.  On the other hand, a negative outlook holds me down and keeps me from reaching out for something better.  By choosing to be hopeful, I run the risk of disappointment or failure, but with greater risks come greater rewards.

I'm beginning to think that facts are overrated.  For example, when I hear somebody say something like "God brought you here for a reason," I typically think to myself, "You don't know that!  You have no idea what God is actually thinking, so stop making such claims for God!"  None of our claims about God can be empirically verified, and our talk about God's will and God's plan can be very problematic when we speak irresponsibly and without humility.  For these reasons, I try to make as few claims about God as possible, allowing God to simply be mysterious.  That said, I'm starting to wonder how my life might be different if I lived as though God brought me where I am for a reason, as if I had some divinely-given purpose wherever I was at any given moment.  Often what we believe actually affects us more than what is factual.

The Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard once mused, "Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards."  Often we don't understand what is really going on in our lives until we look backward from far into the future.  To reference a certain poem, it is only when we look back that we begin to understand the number of trails of footprints behind us.  My life seems stagnant at the moment, but someday I might look back at this supposed time of stagnation from a different vantage point and see how God was at work in my life the whole time.  Until then, as I continue trudging through the wilderness, I pray for a new outlook and the courage to be hopeful.


Notes:

1. Please note that I'm not trying to compare my bad job experience to actual slavery.

The photograph of the desert canyon was taken by Bob Miles of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service and has been released into the public domain.

Introspection: A Time of Growth

This testimony was originally part of a talk delivered during a spiritual retreat on October 8, 2016.

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.

Comments are always welcomed.

If you find these thoughts helpful, please share.

A Time of Growth

So be careful how you live; be mindful of your steps.  Don't run around like idiots as the rest of the world does.  Instead, walk as the wise!  Make the most of every living and breathing moment because these are evil times.  So understand and be confident in God's will, and don't live thoughtlessly.

Ephesians 5:15-17 (The Voice)

I want to know You

I want to hear Your voice

I want to know You more

From "In the Secret" by Andy Park

There is a famous poem that describes a dream in which the poet is walking on a beach with God.  As she walks, she sees scenes from her life flashing across the sky in front of her, and, in each of these scenes, she sees footprints in the sand.  She begins to realize that, during the happy scenes of her life, she sees two sets of footprints and that, during the darker times, she sees only one set of footprints.  She reaches the disturbing conclusion that, during those dark times, God was nowhere to be found, and she asks God why He wasn't there for her when she needed Him the most.  God replies that, when she saw only one set of footprints, He was carrying her.

Many people consider the "Footprints" poem cliché, if not a bit cheesy.  I would probably roll my eyes at it as well, had I not lived it for myself.

In September of 2007, a few months after I graduated from college, I began working as a software engineer for a small company that made video games.  At first, my job might sound like a young programmer's dream, but this company did not make the type of video games in which a player fights hostile aliens or sets out on a journey to save a princess.  No, this company made the type of video game on which a player might literally waste his or her entire paycheck, hoping to hit the jackpot.

When I first heard about the job, I didn't think it would be a big deal to work in the gambling industry.  I never thought that gambling was a particularly good use of a person's money, but I figured that, as long as a person practiced moderation, it's not really a problem.  Plus, after spending my senior year hearing about the outsourcing of tech jobs, I figured I should probably take whatever job I could get without any actual work experience.  I could get the two years of experience I needed to land any other job and then move on.

After I accepted that job, I began to experience a growing sense of shame that followed me wherever I went.  I hated telling people where I worked, and sometimes, if I was asked, I would answer as vaguely as possible.  Around a year later, after my first major crunch period, I realized that my employers wanted a lot more from me than I wanted to give them.

I regretted accepting that job, and I even regretted majoring in computer science.  I realized that I had floated my way through life, doing only what I was supposed to do, and I felt that, by choosing my major based primarily on what would pay the bills, I had let a world of opportunities slip through my fingers.  I desperately wanted out of my job.  I just couldn't quit, because the fact that I had simply quit a job would not look good on my résumé if I ever wanted to work again.  I was hesitant to seek another programming job, since I wasn't even sure I wanted to be a programmer.  I was trapped.

That season of my life would mark the beginning of a time of growth for me.

Stuck in a bad job situation and unsure how to move forward, I turned to God.  Every day before work, I prayed that God would call me away from my job to something better.  While I waited, I began to wonder if maybe I had a future in the ministry.  I became more involved in the Church.  Wondering if I had it in me to deliver a sermon, I asked my pastor for a few opportunities to preach.  I also volunteered to teach Sunday school, knowing that my opportunities to preach would be few and far between once my current pastor retired.  I also started blogging so that I could continue writing and sharing my faith when I didn't have other opportunities.

Months passed, and my prayers were finally answered.  The company for which I worked bought another company, consolidated offices, and moved all operations out of state.  I finally had a legitimate reason to leave: because I was unwilling to relocate, I was terminated.

Looking back on the twenty-two months I spent in that dreary office in that godless industry, I see that God was holding me close the whole time.  In fact, I consider my job in the gambling industry a gift from God - in the same way the whale that swallowed Jonah was a gift from God.  It was the wake-up call that made me realize how important it is for me to be intentional about my life and my faith.  I sought another programming job, but, this time, I was more intentional with my search.  Three months after I lost my job, I began working as a computer programmer at Greenville Technical College.  For almost seven years now, I have been blessed with the opportunity to use my skills for the common good and not for evil.

At the same time, I continued exploring a future in the ministry.  My new pastor took an interest in my journey, and she encouraged me to start taking classes with Lay Servant Ministries.  I never went into full-time ministry, but, through my journey of exploration, studying the Bible became a very important part of my life.  Learning about life and faith and sharing what I've learned with others gives me a sense of purpose when I don't find it in my job.


The photograph of the plant growing through the asphalt was taken by me at my grandmother's house.