Introspection: '13

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.

Comments are always welcomed.

'13

I know what it is to have little, and I know what it is to have plenty.  In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being well-fed and of going hungry, of having plenty and of being in need.  I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:12-13 (NRSV)

This world can turn me down

But I won't turn away

And I won't duck and run

'Cause I'm not built that way

When everything is gone

There is nothing there to fear

This world cannot bring me down

No, 'cause I'm already here

From "Duck and Run" by 3 Doors Down

A long time ago, I heard that hotels do not have thirteenth floors.  Of course, any hotel that has more than twelve floors has a thirteenth floor, because, after all, thirteen follows twelve numerically.  What I mean is that, when the floors are numbered, the number 13 is skipped: what would normally be called the thirteenth floor is called the fourteenth floor.  When I first heard this little factoid, I remember thinking it was rather silly and hard to believe.  A few months ago, I spent a few days in a hotel.  As I rode the elevator up to my room, I noticed the labeling on the elevator buttons.  Sure enough, there was a button for the twelfth floor and a button for the fourteenth floor, but there was no button for a thirteenth floor.

Triskaidekaphobia is the fancy word for the fear of the number 13.  The number 13 has been long associated with bad luck and misfortune.  The thirteenth day of the month, particularly if it falls on a Friday, is thought to be an unlucky day.  Hotel owners skip the number 13 when numbering the floors of their hotels so that superstitious people won't have any aversion to staying on the floor directly above the twelfth.  As someone who is mathematically minded and also a little bit obsessive compulsive, I think it is stupid and downright wrong to skip numbers in such a way.

After this past year, though, I wonder if it wouldn't be a bad idea to also skip years that end in 13 as well.  I haven't developed a fear of the number 13, but, for me, this year really lived up to its name.  If you've read my introspections this year, you know that this hasn't really been a very happy year for me.  A number of unfortunate things have happened to me this year.

I started the year with the flu, and I wasn't able to celebrate New Year's Eve with my friends.

I had to break up with a woman I wasn't actually dating.  I came to the realization that rejecting someone else's romantic advances can actually be more painful than being rejected.¹

My soul began to collapse under the weight of the expectations other people had for me and under the weight of the guilt I bore for not meeting them.  In the process, I had some rather uncomfortable insights about the Parable of the Prodigal Son.  I found myself envying people who don't give a damn and simply enjoy their lives.²

I accepted that I couldn't please everyone and stopped trying.³  I let people down, and the people I let down were a lot more forgiving than I thought they should have been.

I lost respect for people I once admired.  In the process, I had to confront things about myself I had tried really hard not to see.  I realized, rather painfully, that I am actually not any better than people I have judged and condemned.⁴

As I began to consider writing a memoir, I was reminded once again that I don't have a good stopping point.  A lot of the things I thought were resolved in my life seem to have come unraveled, and some of the healing I thought I found in my life now seems to be undone.⁵

I looked forward to a number of events this year that turned out to be letdowns, and I missed out on an education opportunity I needed to complete one of my goals.

I got the flu again less than a week before Christmas.  Though I recovered before Christmas, I most likely gave it to a friend of mine, and he was unable to celebrate Christmas with his family and friends.⁶

I feel less motivated than I did last year.

It is ironic that my New Year's resolution for 2013 was to approach the year with a sense of optimism.  This one went out the window rather quickly.

Before I continue, I just want to say that I am well aware of my tendency to be self-absorbed and that I realize there are a lot of people who have had a much worse year than I have.  I realize that there are plenty of people out there who would be happy to compare their problems to mine and to tell me how their lives are so much worse than mine.  I realize that I have described a bunch of "first world problems" and that I really have no right to complain because, in the midst of the crappiness of the past year, I have not had to go without food, water, clothing, or shelter.  I realize all of these things, but it does not change the fact that I have been through a lot of pain this past year.

In the midst of the pain, I have had a lot to celebrate this year as well.

I had the opportunity to plan and led a five-week Bible study on my own.⁷

I was invited to go on a spiritual journey.

I had the opportunity to write and deliver six sermons - a personal record - and to speak at two churches besides my home church.

I made some new friends this year, and I was reminded that there are a lot of people in my life who love me, believe in me, and care about me.⁸

I gained a new understanding of grace, a greater realization of my own need for grace, and a greater appreciation for the grace God abundantly gives me.  2 Corinthians 12:9 - "My grace is enough for you..." - has become my favorite Bible verse.  I'm considering getting it tattooed on my forearm for practical reasons: I will likely need to be reminded of it at least one hundred times per day.⁹

I watched my church take a step in a more missional direction when we decided to lend our parsonage to local homelessness ministry so that it may be used as transitional housing.¹⁰

I watched a number of my friends get married. Also, a number of my friends had children.

I celebrated my fourth anniversary at my current job.  I have now been at this job more than twice the length of time I was at my previous job - the job that brought me a lot of shame in the past.  I received a promotion this year, and I also learned that I was nominated for a standards of behavior award.

Life is like a music player on shuffle: in the same way that an anguished song might immediately follow a happy song, the happy times and painful times of our lives bump against each other.  Life has ups and downs, so we have to learn to take the good with the bad.

I imagine that St. Paul wasn't having a very good year when he wrote his letter to the Philippian church.  He was in jail, yet he wrote a surprisingly joyful letter.  Toward the end of the letter, he writes, "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."  I once heard this verse called the "Superman verse" because many people believe that it means, "I can do anything because Christ is on my side."  For example, I once heard a pop singer quote this verse while she was accepting a major award.

Paul, in his letter, spends some time reflecting on his own life, looking back on the good times and the bad times.  When Paul says, "I can do all things," I believe that he actually means, "I can endure all things."¹¹  Paul has been through times of poverty and times of plenty, and he realizes that it is Christ who has sustained him through it all.  Though he now lays his head in a jail cell, he continues to draw strength from his faith in Christ.  If I were to put what Paul says into my own words, I would say, "I can endure whatever life throws at me, because Christ gives me strength."

I endured some lousy stuff this past year, and, though I feel somewhat worse for wear, I hold on to the hope that what didn't kill me will somehow make me stronger in the long run.¹²

The ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus once said, "Nothing endures but change."  In other words, "The only constant is change."¹³  Some years are good, and some years are bad, but what they all have in common is the fact that they all inevitably come to an end.  Whether you are currently going through a good time or a bad time, you can always draw strength from the One who is eternal.

'13, I bid you a not-so-fond adieu.  Goodbye and good riddance.

'14, I outlived your predecessor, and, whether you prove to be good or bad, I intend to outlive you as well.  Bring it on!


Notes:

1. See my introspection "Love and Potato Salad."
2. See my introspection "Why I Envy the Prodigal Son."
3. See my introspection "I Can't Do It (and That's Alright)."
4. See my introspection "Amazing(ly) (Painful) Grace."
5. See my introspection "Waiting for Aldersgate."
6. Before you say anything, yes, I plan to get a flu shot this year.
7. Two of my perspectives this year came from this study.  See "Doubting with Anticipation" and "Mirror, Mirror in the Words."
8. See my introspection "Hands to Grab."
9. See my sermon "One Thing."
10. GAIHN.org
11. See Philippians 4:13 in the Common English Bible.
12. To be completely honest, some of this started in 2012, but I bore the brunt of it in 2013.
13. Wikiquote: Heraclitus

The photograph of the pocket watch was taken by Isabelle Grosjean and is used under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license.  The photographer is in no way affiliated with this blog.