Introspection: I, Hypocrite

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.
Comments are always welcomed.
If you find these thoughts helpful, please share.

I, Hypocrite

Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites!  For you are like whitewashed tombs, which on the outside look beautiful, but inside they are full of the bones of the dead and of all kinds of filth.  So you also on the outside look righteous to others, but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.

Matthew 23:27-28 (NRSV)

I focused on the score
But I could never win
Trying to ignore
A life of hiding my sin

To label me
A hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface
Of who I've been known to be

From "Undo" by Rush of Fools

If you been following this blog for a while, you probably know that I am a certified Lay Speaker in the United Methodist Church.  In other words, I am occasionally called to preach and lead worship at a church within the denomination when the pastor is unable to do so.  This morning, I preached at a church pastored by an old friend of mine who is currently out of the country on a mission trip.  I had already written a sermon based on the Gospel reading prescribed for today by the Revised Common Lectionary, so I planned to preach it again this morning.

When I prepare to preach sermons I've written previously, I look for ways to revise them.  As I reviewed the sermon I would preach this morning, I thought it was fine as it was.  I couldn't find anything I really needed to add or delete.  That said, I felt rather uneasy about preaching it.  In my sermon, I suggest that we are daily presented with the choice to be either wise or foolish.  I go on to suggest that the wise servants of Christ are the ones who love God with all their hearts, souls, and minds and love their neighbors as they love themselves.¹  They serve Christ by serving the people with whom He directly identifies, namely their neighbors who are in need.²

I often worry about what people think of me, but I have to admit that sometimes what I really fear is that people are seeing what I know to be my own faults and shortcomings.  In the last few months, there have been at least a couple of instances when people might have perceived in me some apathy toward someone who needed help.  Naturally I have been feeling some cognitive dissonance about preaching a sermon about our calling to serve our neighbors in need.

My sermon didn't need much work, but I need a lot of work when it comes to practicing what I preach.  I have a long way to go when it comes to loving my neighbors as Christ has called me to love them.

Peter Rollins tells a story about a prince who hates the church so much that he actively oppresses Christians in his empire.  He goes so far as to disrupt worship services and to imprison church leaders.  The prince especially hates a certain wise and kind priest who is beloved by his community.  The prince tells himself that the priest is just a hypocrite and a liar, but the truth is that he is actually envious of the respect that the people have for the priest.

One day the prince devises a plan to put a stop to the priest's work once and for all, without drawing the ire of the people.  Knowing that the priest is poor, he approaches him and offers him ten thousand rupees to write a letter confessing that he is a hypocrite and a liar.  This letter will be distributed throughout the empire.  The priest takes a moment to consider the prince's offer and then agrees to do what the prince has asked, on three conditions.  The first is that the prince must stop harassing him and his church.  The second is that the prince must release all of the priest's fellow church leaders from prison.

The third condition is that the prince give the priest time to raise the ten thousand rupees.³

The prince approaches the priest with the intention of bribing him into destroying his own reputation by confessing his dishonesty and hypocrisy.  The priest, knowing his own fallibility, agrees to confess his dishonesty and hypocrisy, but he misunderstands the prince's offer and thinks that the prince expects him to pay a fine for said dishonesty and hypocrisy.

I suspect that most - if not all - preachers and teachers in the Church are guilty of some degree of hypocrisy.  What I mean is that I suspect we all fall short of practicing what we preach at times.  We study our holy scriptures so that we may learn God's will for humanity and then teach it to others, yet, because we are imperfect human beings, we quite often fail to actually do God's will.  We do not always practice what we preach, but, if we are going to follow our calling honestly, we cannot preach only what we practice.  We have to proclaim what we believe to be true, even when we fall short in living according to it.

In the event, dear reader, that you ever read one of my blog posts or listen one of my sermons and suspect that I might be a hypocrite, I just wanted to go ahead and confirm your suspicions.  One of the most common criticisms lobbed at Christians is that we’re hypocritical.  Sadly this criticism is often true.  The suggestion has been made that the Church is actually not full of hypocrites because there is plenty of room for more.  One reason we need the Church in the first place is that we need a community in which we challenge each other to be our best selves and to actually live according to what we claim to believe.


Notes:

1. Matthew 22:37-40
2. Matthew 25:31-40.
3. Peter Rollins.  The Orthodox Heretic and Other Impossible Tales.  2009, Paraclete Press.  pp. 52-54

My "shadow selfie" was taken by me in 2014.

Introspection: While I Wasn't Blogging

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.
Comments are always welcomed.
If you find these thoughts helpful, please share.

While I Wasn't Blogging

Peter, suddenly bold, said, "Master, if it's really you, call me to come to you on the water."

Matthew 14:28 (The Message)

Give me a revelation
Show me what to do
'Cause I've been trying to find my way
I haven't got a clue
Tell me, should I stay here?
Or do I need to move?
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You

From "Revelation" by Third Day

As you may or may not have noticed, dear reader, I haven't posted very much on this blog this year, and I haven't shared anything personal at all.  Since it is now the end of the year, I felt like I should at least share something with you about where I am personally right now.

For over sixteen years, I have worked as a computer programmer in the IT department of a local technical college.  Some days I actually enjoy my job, particularly when I have opportunities to learn something new, to develop new processes or improve old ones, or to solve problems.  On the days when I don't especially enjoy my job, I'm still grateful that I'm able to use my programming skills to contribute to the common good by helping people, in some small way, to gain an affordable higher education.

For the last four years, it has seemed like the only thing constant about my job, besides the monthly paycheck, has been change.  There have been shifting institutional goals, and, because so many of my coworkers have either retired or moved on to other jobs, I am now one of the more experienced people on my team.  I've had to take on more and more responsibilities, and I've had to address issues I previously had no idea how to address.  After the trials and triumphs of the last year, I think that my imposter syndrome - my nagging fear that the people who count on me will inevitably discover I'm utterly unqualified for my job - is starting to go away.

Though my job is evidently a good fit for me, there are times when I wonder if I'm actually meant to do something else with my life.  The truth is that, while I was interviewing for my current job, I was already contemplating a career change - something I made it a point to not tell my interviewers.  A few years ago, I started to once again consider quitting my job, going back to school, and starting a new career, but I have yet to take any steps in that direction.

Earlier this year, while I was participating in a short-term book study at my church about taking leaps of faith, I realized once again that one of my reasons for considering a career change was the fact that I don't want to be seen by others as a "computer nerd."  I decided that, before I make any radical changes in my life, I need to do a better job of accepting myself as I am, where I am.  I want to be sure that I'm running toward something and not merely running away from something.  Also, considering all of the recent changes at the institution where I am employed, if I do decide to leave my current job, I want to leave my department in a better place.

While I was still working at my previous job, I started preaching on occasion at the church I attended at the time.  A few years later, I started taking classes with Lay Servant Ministries, an education program offered by the United Methodist Church for people who want to better serve the church.  In 2017, I was formally certified to preach in the denomination.  Though I don't pastor a church, I occasionally get the opportunity to preach at the church I attend or at other churches when the pastor is unable to preach.  Around the same time I was certified to preach, I started teaching classes for the same program, one of which I had to take in order to be certified.

For various reasons, until November of this year, I had not preached in sixteen months.  That said, I did teach two different classes for Lay Servant Ministries this year.  In the spring, I taught the Methodist heritage class for the fifth time, and, in the fall, I taught a class on the Sacraments - Baptism and Holy Communion - for the second time.

In recent years, I found that the summer season was a lonely time for me, but I'm happy to say that was not true this year.  One reason was that, unlike previous years, my Sunday school class continued to meet through the summer this year.  We did change things up during the summer by meeting at a cafe close to the church, setting aside our typical curriculum, and having free-form discussions about the Bible passages on which our pastors' sermons were based.  I found sharing my knowledge with the class over these conversations especially meaningful.

I've taken two spiritual gift surveys in the past, and each revealed that my top two spiritual gifts are knowledge and teaching.  That said, I think that maybe my God-given purpose in life is to learn and to share what I've learned.

I have no intention to stop blogging, but, the last few years have shown that I don't seem to have it in me right now to publish blog posts on a regular basis.  Whenever I force myself to meet some schedule or quota, I inevitably find myself hating this blog.  Also, I've also been wondering if I'm being nudged toward more in-person forms of ministry, like leading short-term studies.  When figuring out what to write for this blog, I feel like I need to share insights that are new and interesting, but, in Sunday school or at Bible study, I can share whatever insights are relevant to the topic at hand, whether or not they are new or especially interesting.

Regarding my more personal posts, I haven't really felt like I've had anything worth sharing about my life lately.  Furthermore, last year I found myself growing weary of my own introspective writing.  I figure that, if I'm tired of the disappointment and self-pity that tends to infect my writing, then you probably don't want to read it either.

I tend to attribute a lack of blogging to stagnation or a lack of fruitfulness.  Even if I do feel a bit stuck at this time and unsure of what I should be doing with my life, I don't think the past year was an unfruitful one for me.  I will continue publishing blog posts when I feel like I have something worth publishing, but I won't force myself to write if I don't have anything to write.

Thank you, dear reader, for taking the time to read these scattered thoughts about the past year.  I hope that the new year is a good year for both of us.


The photograph featured in this introspection was taken by Ranggi Manggala, and it has been released to the public domain.  The photographer is in no way affiliated with this blog.