Notes from the Wayside: Introspection: Work, Change, and Anxiety

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Work, Change, and Anxiety

I hereby command you: Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Joshua 1:9 (NRSV)

And I'm not running anymore
I'll stand to face it all
I'll fight for every breath
Until there's nothing left of us

From "Believer" by Kill Hannah

As last year drew to a close, I became more and more aware of a lack of peace in my life. I realized that I do not have the abiding peace that a lot of people seem to have, as I tend to fall apart whenever anything in my life goes wrong. At that time, two things were causing me anxiety. The first was Christmas. I always feel some anxiety over picking out gifts for people. The second was the pandemic. A new variant of the virus had started spreading, and, for a while, I felt like the disease was closing in around me. I ended up hunkering down as I did during the first year of the pandemic.

A few weeks ago, not long after I returned to work following my holiday break, I received some news that became yet another source of anxiety for me. On a Friday morning, my supervisor - the man who interviewed me and ultimately offered me my current programming job over twelve years ago - told me that he had submitted his retirement notice and that he would soon be leaving. I congratulated him, but I was actually shocked by the news.

I started to worry about what might become of my job after my supervisor leaves. I wasn't afraid that I might lose my job, but I was afraid that I might start hating it. I knew that I would have to take on some additional responsibilities, so I wondered if my job would become a lot more difficult as a result. I wondered if I would be asked to step into my supervisor's role, knowing that I don't really want to be a manager. I wondered if my fellow programmers and I might end up reporting to someone a lot less easygoing than our current supervisor. I've suspected that our supervisor has shielded us from a lot of the stuff that rolls downhill in our institution. A lot of things suddenly seemed up in the air.

Amid my worry, I wondered if maybe I needed to start planning my own exit. I was aware of other changes on the horizon that would inevitably affect my job, so I had already been wondering if it was time for me to finally make that vocational change I had started contemplating even before I applied for my current job. Of course, I was also aware that I tend to think such thoughts when I'm stressed about my job. Fantasizing about an escape tends to make me feel better. Once I adjust to whatever is stressing me out, I stop thinking about a career change.

During the following week, I was reminded that, though I'm not in love with my job, there are things about it that I do enjoy. I completed a major project, fulfilled some more minor requests, and solved a problem that was causing a lot of complaints. I enjoy creating programs for people to use, streamlining existing processes, and solving problems. I think that I am a lot more valuable to my institution as a computer programmer than I would be as a manager.

For the last few months, I have been meeting regularly with a Stephen Minister from my church. Stephen Ministers walk with people who are going through difficult times, providing a listening ear.¹ I originally requested one because I wanted someone with whom I could process my grief from the last couple of years, but lately I've been discussing my anxiety with my Stephen Minister. I recently asked him how I might know that it is time to start seeking another job. He suggested that, if I find myself constantly dreading work, it might be time for me to move on. I cannot say that I've reached that level of misery. It isn't my job that is making me miserable; I'm making myself miserable by worrying about my job.

As I anticipated, my supervisor has started showing me things I need to start doing since he is retiring. Thus far, none of them have been difficult. I've even started working on automating one of these processes.

A few days ago, I read a story from the Book of Numbers. God tells Moses, who for the last forty years has been leading his people through the wilderness toward the Promised Land, that his long journey will soon be coming to an end. He will not be entering the Promised Land for himself, so God instructs him to ascend Mount Abarim so that he may view the land from a distance before he dies. Moses asks God to appoint someone to lead the people after he dies, fearing that they might otherwise become "like sheep without their shepherd." At God's command, Moses lays his hands on a man named Joshua in the presence of the people and commissions him to lead them in his place.²

If Joshua is anything like me, then he is anxious about assuming Moses' role. When the time comes for him to lead his people into the Promised Land, God says to him, "I hereby command you: Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."³

Right now, I need to heed the words God says to Joshua. In my own situation, I need to "be strong and courageous," trusting that God is with me.

Nobody can do forever the things they've been doing, so people need to be willing to pass on the proverbial torch when the time comes for them to move on, while others need to be willing to step up and accept the challenges being handed to them. At this time, I am among the latter. If I do eventually decide that it is time for me to change jobs or pursue a new path in life, then I need to be sure that I'm running toward something and not running away from something. Furthermore, I have so many benefits with my current job that, if I do make a major change, it had better be worth it.

I do not yet know what my job will be like in the days ahead of me. What I do know is that, with God's help, I have risen to every challenge I have faced in the last twelve years and that, with God's help, I will rise to the challenges I will face in the days to come.

Notes:

For more information about Stephen Ministers, see the following website: https://www.stephenministries.org/stephenministry/default.cfm/1596
Numbers 27:12-23 (CEB)
Joshua 1:9 (NRSV)

The photograph of the computer screen has been released to the public domain. The photographer is in no way affiliated with this blog.