Introspection: Letters to Myself

I share these thoughts, hoping they are of help to someone else.

Letters to Myself

Scripture:

When I was a child, I spoke, thought, and reasoned in childlike ways as we all do. But when I became a man, I left my childish ways behind. For now, we can only see a dim and blurry picture of things, as when we stare into polished metal. I realize that everything I know is only part of the big picture. But one day, when Jesus arrives, we will see clearly, face-to-face. In that day, I will fully know just as I have been wholly known by God. But now faith, hope, and love remain; these three virtues must characterize our lives. The greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:11-13 (The Voice)

Be strong in the Lord

And never give up hope

You're gonna do great things

I already know

God's got His hand on you

So don't live life in fear

Forgive and forget

But don't forget why you're here

Take your time and pray

These are the words I would say

From "The Words I Would Say" by Sidewalk Prophets

At the end of my senior year of high school, my English teacher gave us soon-to-be graduates an assignment to write letters to ourselves ten years into the future. With my ten-year reunion just a few days away, I recently received the letter I wrote in the mail.

This is what I wrote:

May 6, 2002

Dear Anthony (Or is it Tony now?),

How are you doing? I'm doing well. I just turned eighteen, which means that you're probably twenty-eight now, right? I went on the senior trip a couple of weeks ago. Do you still remember what it was like on your senior trip? Aren't you glad you decided to go? I surely am. Right now, I'm reading Oliver Twist, and I'm in the midst of writing my valedictorian speech. Do you remember your senior year?

Enough about me. How is your life going? What did you finally decide to major in? Did it lead you to a good job? I'm still unemployed as I'm writing this. Do you have a girlfriend or a wife yet? If not, don't worry: twenty-eight's young. You'll find Miss Right sooner or later. I hope you're still going to church. How is your family? Mine is doing well.

Do you still like to play with computers? Did you finally get your StarCraft levels done? Do computers or computer games have anything to do with your job? I'm working on a new website at the time. Have you taken up any new hobbies? I'm probably going to start a stamp collection someday. Do you still have yours? Do you still collect coins? Has it made you any money?

Well, I guess it's time to bring this letter to a close. Give my love to the family. Don't forget to count your blessings and to thank God for the gifts He's given you. Godspeed to you in your life.

Your younger self,

Anthony Snyder


P.S. If I hear back from you, I'm really going to be freaked out!

On Facebook recently, some of the people in my graduating class mentioned receiving the letters they had written to their future selves and proclaimed that their lives turned out much better than they had imagined in high school. Ever the Great Cynical High King of Sour Grapes, I thought to myself, "Good for you! My life sucks." Unlike my classmates, I am not quite as enthusiastic about how my life has unfolded.

When I finally opened my letter, having recently reflected on how I would live my life differently if I could do it all over again, I decided to write a reply to my past self.

June 7, 2012

Dear Anthony,

I finally received the letter you sent me, and, at the risk of freaking you out, I thought I would write you back. Your suspicions are correct: I am indeed going by Tony now. Back when I was your age, I too wanted a fresh start when I went to college, and I thought a name change would be a good way to signify it. The idea of a fresh start or a second chance has become somewhat of a recurring theme in my life, particularly in the past few years. I have come to realize that true change in a person's life involves much more than a change in a person's name: it involves a lot of messing up and learning and growing.

It's hard to believe that it has already been ten years since I graduated from high school. My memories of my senior year, like most of my memories in general, are rather hazy. I'm glad you enjoyed your senior trip - I barely remember mine. Perhaps I should meet up with some of my roommates from that trip to reminisce.

It figures you would mention our favorite computer game in your letter. Sadly, I never finished the levels I was creating for it, but I have found other creative outlets since then. I don't really play too many video games nowadays - I have plenty of other things to keep me busy. It turns out that I did end up majoring in computer science, and my first job as a computer programmer was writing code for video games. Unfortunately, they were the type of video game that causes people to lose a lot of money while playing. Thankfully, that job is behind me, and I now have a much better programming job at Greenville Tech.

You asked me about my hobbies. The truth is, I am not really collecting anything right now except life lessons. I did get a stamp collection kit for Christmas one year, but I never actually started it. I have been dancing a lot lately, though. Some of my college friends introduced me to contra dancing and swing dancing. You should try dancing sometime - you'd like it a lot more than you think you would. It's a lot of fun, and it will give you the chance to meet a lot of wonderful, interesting people.

I'm sad to say that I am not married, nor am I dating anyone, but I'm glad to see that you're holding out hope for me. To tell you the truth, I think, over the years, I might have been looking more for a status, a milestone, or personal affirmation than for true love. I wonder if that's your problem as well. Forget about relationships and forget about getting married: just get to know people and let them get to know you. Love people for who they are and not for who they might be to you someday. I know you're still hurt by the rejection you faced in the last few years. Please don't let it get to you: all you can do is to be the best you that you can be. It's up to other people to love and accept you, and, if they cannot (or will not), it's their problem and not yours. Always remember that God loves you and accepts you, so you have no reason not to love and accept yourself.

You'll be happy to know that I still go to church every week. In fact, I am now more involved in the Church than I have ever been. I now teach Sunday school regularly, and I even preach on occasions. I bet you never suspected I'd be doing that! Actually, you might have suspected it somewhere deep down in your soul. On a related note, three years ago, I started a blog where I write about my own spiritual journey. I also post the sermons I write along with other thoughts I want to share. Right now I have only a handful of readers, but hopefully things will pick up someday.

The family is doing well. Mom and Dad have both gone through job changes in recent years. Mom's taken up basket weaving, and she's having a lot of fun with it. Mama and Grandma are both doing alright. I'm sad to say that Papa passed away about eight years ago. We both know that he was not easy to be around, but I still wish I had had a better relationship with him. I remember that every day when he took me to school he would look at his watch and tell me how much time I had left to get to class (or how late I was for class). I asked Mama if I could have that watch, and I now keep it in a drawer in the living room.

Thank you for reminding me to count my blessings and to be thankful for what I have. So often I forget to do these things. A lot of times I talk as if my life is horrible, but the truth is that I just forget how good my life truly is. I'm realizing that sometimes I just need to take a moment to stop focusing on what's wrong with my life and to remember what's good about my life.

I appreciate the encouragement you're offering me in your letter, but I can't help but think that maybe you're being just a little bit glib. I realize that you are holding back what you are truly feeling because you know that your teacher will be reading your letter, and I know that you think you have to keep up appearances at your school. I know that you're actually struggling with a lot of stuff at this time in your life.

I know that deep down you're not really sure if you want to be a Christian. I know you're wrestling with questions about the afterlife, about the nature of God, and about how God is calling you to live your life. I know what rules you have had to follow at school and what you have been told to believe, and I know the anxiety these things have created in your heart. I really think you should speak with someone about these things as soon as possible, perhaps someone in your church. Find someone you can trust, someone who will listen to you without judging you. Opening up to people can be difficult, especially when you feel like you have had to guard yourself for so long, but it is very much worth it. We are not meant to journey through this life by ourselves.

I know that you will to have to take a year off from school next year before you start college. I know that you're planning to attend the college closest to you, but I think you should reconsider. Don't get me wrong: I know firsthand that Furman University is a wonderful institution, and I am sure you will do well there, as I have. Still, I think you need to put more thought into your future. Take some time to visit various colleges and universities, and take some time to consider what you really want to study. Don't be afraid to leave home for a few years. I know that you're planning to major in computer science, but please make sure that this type of work is what you really want to do. Don't be afraid to stretch yourself and to try new things. Take the next year to figure out what it is you really want to do with your life. Don't look for a job: look for a calling.

When you do start college, wherever you end up going, I encourage you to seek out a loving Christian community. I know that there are no other young people at your church and that you are in desperate need for a peer group. The community I joined at Furman was instrumental in my life. From the people I met in this community, I learned that I not only need Christ in my life but actually want Christ in my life. From them, I learned that I can be a Christian and enjoy life at the same time. I went on a number of mission trips with them, and I learned that mission work is a lot more fun than one might think.

I know how much you hate getting unwanted advice from people, but I just don't want you to make the same mistakes I made.

I passed along your regards to the family - please do the same for me. Also, please tell your mom I'm sorry for all the grief I've given her over the years (and will continue to give her).

Don't get discouraged with yourself, and always remember that God loves you.

Your older (and wiser) self,

Tony

If I could send a letter to my eighteen-year-old self, knowing what I know now at twenty-eight years of age, this is what I would write. This is the advice I wish I had heeded when I was younger. I once heard Peter Rollins say that a love letter always ends up where it needs to go, even if the writer never mails it, for so often people work through their own feelings in writing letters.¹ I wouldn't call this a love letter, but I can definitely say that I wrote it to work through some of my feelings of regret.

I know that my past self will never read the letter I wrote him, so I offer both of these letters to you the reader, hoping that they might speak to you in some way.


Notes:
1 - Peter Rollins. "Pyro-theology." Mars Hill Bible Church podcast, 02/20/11.


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