Introspection: My Lack of Progress

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My Lack of Progress

I hereby command you: Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Joshua 1:9 (NRSV)

Tell me, should I stay here
Or do I need to move?
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You

From "Revelation" by Third Day

At the end of last year, I noted that I had made a concrete resolution for 2023, though I refrained from revealing what it is.  I now regret to say that, with three fourths of the year behind me, I have made very little progress toward my goal.  I have not waited too long to achieve my goal, since it is one I can realistically accomplish in the next few months.  The problem I face - and the reason I have made so little progress toward my goal - is that I have been spinning my figurative wheels trying to figure out if the thing I resolved to do is something I should do or something I even want to do.

In the last few years, a number of colliding forces in my life forced me to confront my mortality and to consider my purpose in life, and last summer I started to contemplate making a significant change.  For a number of years, one aspect of my life has been following a certain trajectory, and I've started to wonder if maybe I should take the next step in that direction.  My New Year's resolution involved that particular step, and, at this time, I'm still not certain it is a step I want to take.

In fact, lately I've spent a lot of time wondering if I should even be doing the things I'm already doing.

There have been times when I've wondered if I do the things I do, particularly the things I do in the Church, in order to get attention.  Lately, I've been getting attention for doing the things I do, particularly from people in my church, and I've found that I actually hate it somewhat.  When people give me positive feedback for the things I write, some spiritual form of imposter syndrome I evidently have flares up, and I start to feel guilty for fooling people into thinking I'm something I'm not.  Earlier this month, reading one of the letters in the Book of Revelation hit me pretty hard, as it has done in the past.  To the congregation in Sardis, Christ says, "I know your works.  You have the reputation of being alive, and you are in fact dead."¹

In my own defense, I want to point out that, when I preach a sermon, lead Sunday school, or share a blog post, I am in no way trying to present myself as some Christian exemplar.  I'm simply preaching, teaching, or writing as someone who has some knowledge about the Bible and also some possibly unusual perspectives, either of which may or may not be a gift of the Holy Spirit.  I understand as well as anyone else that knowing what is right is a lot easier than actually doing what is right.

At nearly forty years of age, I feel like I still have no idea who I am or what I was put on this planet to do.  I just can't seem to identify my true self amid all the piles of false self I've constructed over the years to get through my life.  I know that ultimately I am a beloved child of God; and I know that's what really matters; but, at the same time, I know that every other human being is a beloved child of God.  What I want to know is who I am as a particular beloved child of God who was born in the mid 1980s, has lived in Greenville, South Carolina all his life, has struggled with his religion ever since he was in elementary school, is chronically single, works as a computer programmer, serves his church in various ways, and calls himself Tony.

About a week ago, I had the opportunity to share with my church a sermon I originally wrote a couple of months earlier for another church.  I considered writing a new sermon based on the Gospel passage for the week, but I remembered that a friend from my small group, who read my previous sermon on this blog, recommended that I preach it at our church when I get the opportunity.  I decided to make life easier for myself and to take my friend's advice.

My sermon was based on one of Jesus' parables in which a farmer plants wheat in his field and later learns that weeds are growing amid the wheat.  Obviously the farmer is not happy to have weeds in his wheat field, but he knows that pulling up the weeds will likely uproot the wheat.  He is not willing to sacrifice the wheat he planted just to be rid of the weeds, so he decides to allow the wheat and the weeds to grow together until the harvest.  At that time, the harvesters will be able to store up the wheat and dispose of the weeds.²

For me, delivering that sermon again was a reminder that, though there are a lot of weeds in the field that is my life, they are not worth abandoning the good stuff growing in the field.  I cannot allow my character flaws to stop me from doing the good things I do, and, whatever I decide to take as my next step, I cannot allow my self-doubt to make my decision for me.  Whoever I am, I am more than my faults.

If you have been following this blog for a while, you might have noticed that I try to post something personal every month.  This month, I struggled to figure out what I should share, so I ended up trying to weave together a number of things that have been on my mind lately.  I suppose I could have tried to write something that could be tied up a bit more neatly, but I felt that simply sharing where I am at the moment would be more honest.  If you, dear reader, are feeling as stuck as I feel, don't allow your self-doubts hold you back.  We are more than our flaws.  If you are still wrestling with questions you think you should have answered a couple of decades ago, know that you are not alone.


Notes:

1. Revelation 3:1 (CEB)
2. Matthew 13:24-30

My "shadow selfie" was taken by me in 2014.