Introspection: Goals Unmet and Lessons Learned

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Goals Unmet and Lessons Learned

I hereby command you: Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Joshua 1:9 (NRSV)

I will dedicate and sacrifice my everything
For just a seconds worth of how my story's ending
And I wish I could know if the directions that I take
And all the choices that I make won't end up all for nothing

From "Crawling in the Dark" by Hoobastank

In years past, as New Year's Eve drew near, I made it a point to look back on the past year to see where I have been and to consider where I might be heading.  In recent years, with all that has happened, I haven't really wanted to spend much time looking back at the end of the year.  All that said, I'm starting to think that some sort of healing might have happened within me, though I'm not exactly sure how it happened.  This year, I did not experience the anxiety and bitterness I typically experience during the holiday season, and, in the last few days, I found myself actually wanting to look back on the past year.

As I looked back over the introspections I've written this year, I noticed a few recurring themes.

In January, I spent some time looking back at how God seemingly led me out of a job that brought me a lot of shame and led me to my current job in which I can actually take pride.  I concluded that, though I no longer feel the same joy I felt when I first accepted my current job and though my job has recently become a bit more stressful, I still have a lot of reasons to be grateful for it.  Then, in February, I confessed that, despite the fact that my job is not a bad fit for me, for various reasons I actually don't like being associated with computers.

In September, I confessed that I had made little progress toward achieving my New Year's resolution.  Reaching this goal might have resulted in a significant change in my life, especially regarding my career.  As the year went on, I became less and less certain that it was the right action for me to take.  Truth be told, I've become less and less certain I ought to be doing a number of things I'm currently doing.  I did not achieve my goal, but I can still work toward it next year if I discern that I should do so.

Simply put, this year I've been wrestling with my identity and my purpose in life.

In April, I shared my reflections from Easter.  Years ago, I thought my life was headed in a particular direction, but some real or perceived mistakes on my part caused me to abandon that path.  On Easter Sunday, as I read about the Resurrection of Christ and the commissioning of the Disciples,¹ I realized that, in the same way that the Disciples' abandoning Jesus when He was arrested didn't nullify the Disciples' calling, my own mistakes don't nullify my own calling.  All that said, a lot has happened since that time in my life, and I do not think I actually want to continue on that particular path.

In October, after writing a sermon and a number of perspectives on forgiveness, I realized that, regarding the aforementioned "real or perceived mistakes" I had made, I need to own my actions, whether they were right or wrong, and to stop blaming the people who put me into the difficult situations that led to those actions.  I suppose that, if my mistakes don't nullify my identity or my purpose, it is safe for me to confront what I've done.

In May, on Pentecost Sunday, I shared some reflections on an Ascension Sunday sermon I've preached a number of times in the past.  In my sermon, I suggest that the Disciples might have been feeling a bit bewildered or lost when they watched their Teacher rise into the sky and vanish into the clouds.²  I realized that I was projecting my own feelings onto the Disciples, comparing their "graduation" from discipleship to my own graduation from college.  I also realized that, in the same way that the Ascension of Christ wasn't the end of the best part of the Disciples' lives, my graduation wasn't necessarily the end of the best part of my life.  God can do some amazing things through my life going forward, in the same way that God did amazing things through the Disciples' lives.

In August, I realized that I had been misreading a story from the Book of Genesis about the birth of a person with whom I share a name.³  I realized that my middle name Benjamin does not mean "son of my pain," as I had previously thought.  My middle name actually has connotations of fortune or favor.  The experience was a reminder that there is more to my life than the painful parts.

This year I was reminded once again that I need to be mindful regarding the story I'm telling myself about my life.  I should not think of my story as a tragedy; I should not think that the best parts of my story are behind me; and I should not think that I've screwed my story up beyond repair.

In June, I delivered a sermon at my church in which I shared the story of my journey into ministry as a layperson.  I went on to share more of the story, highlighting the people who believed in me and supported me over the years.  In July, when I attended a conference for work, I was scared to death that I might catch a virus and be unable to deliver the sermon I was scheduled to preach after I returned.  The fact that I didn't catch anything at the conference was a reminder that, if God calls me to do something, God will make sure that I am able to do it.

This year I was reminded that, wherever my journey takes me going forward, I can be assured that I will not journey alone.

Last month, I noted that, though I wanted to start blogging more consistently after struggling for the last few years, I had started to struggle once again.  I went so far as to hint that blogging was actually becoming somewhat burdensome for me.  I want to continue blogging, but I also want to enjoy it.  All that said, I need to take some pressure off myself, so I have decided that next year I will write one fewer blog post per month.

I do not know where the next year will take me, but I hope that, as I continue to wrestle with certain things in my life, I will remember the lessons I gleaned this year.  I want to thank you, dear reader, for letting me share some of my journey with you, and I want to wish you a happy 2024.


Notes:

1. Matthew 28:1-10, 16-20
2. Acts 1:6-11
3. Genesis 35:16-20

The photograph featured in this introspection was taken by PJ Osorio, and it has been released to the public domain.  The photographer is in no way affiliated with this blog.