Introspection: Not Just a "Computer Nerd"

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Not Just a "Computer Nerd"

I mean, What do people get for all their hard work and struggles under the sun?  All their days are pain, and their work is aggravation; even at night, their hearts don't find rest.  This too is pointless.

Ecclesiastes 2:22-23 (CEB)

Undo my heart, Undo my soul
Restart, Command, Escape, Control
I try, but I can't Reset
I hit Delete, but I just can't forget

From "Megahurts" by Telegenetic

Last month, I noted that, despite the ways my job has recently changed, I still have reasons to be grateful for it.  I can take pride in my current job, which is at a local technical college, because it is one in which I can use my technical skills for the common good.  I could not say the same thing about my previous job, which was in the gambling industry.  That said, there is something I hate about my job.  I am not referring to how my job has become more stressful over the past year.  In fact, this specific thing I hate about my job is less about my job specifically and more about being in my line of work in general.

I hate being associated with computers.

There, I said it.

I think my aversion might be rooted in something that happened to me back in high school.  For three years, I was on the school newspaper staff.  One day, during the period in which the staff met to work on the newspaper, there was a small group of students in the classroom who were sitting together and talking.  For some reason, a girl in the group remarked that she had no intention of marrying a "computer nerd."  A boy in the same group then felt the need to turn toward me and say, "Sorry, Anthony!"¹  That incident has haunted me.

During my first interview for my current job, one of my future coworkers asked me if I considered myself a "techno geek."  I replied that, despite the fact that I once hacked one of my video game systems, I probably wouldn't use those words to describe myself.

More than once, people have told me, when I told them that I work in IT, that I look like someone who would have such a job.  I never really took that as a compliment.

Maybe I'm totally wrong, but I'm under the impression that people don't really like "computer nerds" as much as they like having them around in the event that they have problems with their computers.  People may consider us to be an alien species, but at least they find us useful.  I've encountered a number of people who admit to being "computer illiterate" - and who are evidently proud of the fact.  Something else I've noticed is that people tend to think that someone who knows something about computers knows everything about them.

Speaking not just as an IT worker, I sometimes feel like people don't really like me for who I am as much as they like what they think I can do for them.  I cannot help but notice that I receive a lot more calls and emails at work than I receive outside of work, and, when people do reach out to me outside of work, I immediately have to wonder what they want from me.  Sometimes I feel just as used as the machines with which people associate me.

I have found church people to be no better in this regard than anybody else.  I have made it a personal boundary to not serve at my church in any capacity that primarily involves the operation of a computer.  I already do such work for forty hours every week, and the last thing I want is for the spiritual aspects of my life to become an extension of my job.  I once made the mistake of agreeing to maintain the website of a parachurch organization with which I was formerly involved.  I started receiving messages stating that something needed to be posted to the website ASAP - while I was working at my actual job!  I was already getting more than enough requests like that at work, so I didn't really need any more.²

I know that my current line of work is not a bad fit for me, as I was forced to admit a few years ago, but still I find myself hoping that God put me on this planet for something more.  Truth be told, if I did somehow discover that God really did create me to work with computers, I would be deeply disappointed.

As you can probably tell, I've been wrestling with a number of things, like my vocation, my self-image, and my identity.  Last summer, I preached a sermon based on Jesus' Parable of the Rich Fool,³ and preparing for it did a number on me.  It forced me to think about things like my mortality, what I'm doing with my life, and what I will leave behind when I die.  I've started to think I might actually fear being forgotten even more than I fear dying.  People don't remember the "nerds" who fix their computers; they remember the people who make significant positive impacts on their lives.

If you also have been struggling with things such as your vocation or your identity, dear reader, please know that you are not alone.  We are more than what we do for a living.  We might not always find our careers fulfilling, but there are things in life in which we can find fulfillment.  Not everyone we meet in this life will leave us feeling loved, but there are people in our lives who love us for who we are and not just for what we do.


Notes:

1. I didn't start going by Tony until I was in college.
2. Edward, if you're reading this, please rest assured that I am not referring to the old Furman Wesley Fellowship website.  You never made me feel used and abused while I was maintaining it.
3. Luke 12:13-21

The photograph of the smashed up computer was taken by Tara Hunt and is used under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic license.  The photographer is in no way affiliated with this blog.