Notes from the Wayside: Introspection: I Can't Do It

This is a follow-up to my previous introspection,
"Why I Envy the Prodigal Son."

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.

Comments are always welcomed.

I Can't Do It

(and That's Alright)

Oh Martha, Martha, you are so anxious and concerned about a million details, but really, only one thing matters. Mary has chosen that one thing, and I won’t take it away from her."

Luke 10:41-42 (The Voice)

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface

Don't know what you're expecting of me

Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

From "Numb" by Linkin Park

We know from the Gospels that Jesus was very close with a certain family who lived in the town of Bethany. We don't know much about this family except that there were two sisters named Mary and Martha and also a brother named Lazarus, who apparently had some health problems. We know that Jesus, on occasion, stayed with this family as he traveled about the land, proclaiming His message of the Kingdom of God.

One evening, when Jesus was staying with this family, Martha was busy preparing dinner while her sister Mary sat at Jesus' feet, listening to Him teach. Martha was keenly aware of everything that was expected from her, both as a host and as a woman. Apparently, for some reason, these perceived expectations were not being met this evening - things just weren't getting done around the house.

With society's expectations weighing heavily upon Martha, she became angry with her sister for not lending her a hand. When she couldn't take the stress any longer, she walked over to where Jesus was teaching, interrupted Him, and said, "Lord, why don’t You care that my sister is leaving me to do all the work by myself? Tell her to get over here and help me."¹

I can certainly relate to Martha, for I know what a heavy burden it is to feel as though people want more from me than I am able to give. Sometimes it seems as though everybody has a plan for my life except me. Sometimes it seems as though everybody I meet wants a piece of me, and, at these times, I can almost feel myself being ripped apart at the seams. I was recently taking inventory of my priorities and I realized how preoccupied I am with what people think of me. I am constantly concerned about upsetting people or disappointing people. My fear is almost crippling at times. I want people to like me, accept me, and appreciate me, but this fear has created in me a lot of frustration, anger, dishonesty, and gracelessness.

When Martha became angry and tried to get Jesus to make Mary do what she was supposed to do and help her, Jesus replied, "Oh Martha, Martha, you are so anxious and concerned about a million details, but really, only one thing matters. Mary has chosen that one thing, and I won’t take it away from her."²

Women were not educated in Jesus' day, and they certainly wouldn't be chosen to be disciples of rabbis like Jesus. By sitting at the feet of Jesus, Mary essentially declared herself to be one of His disciples.³ Another time that Jesus was staying with the family in Bethany, Mary barged into the room where Jesus and his disciples were having dinner and poured out a very expensive jar of perfume on Jesus. Then, in an act that would be considered extremely immodest in her day, she let down her hair and wiped Jesus' feet with it.⁴ Mary was an utterly shameless woman who had no regard for her place in society.

I recently wrote that I envy the Prodigal Son described in Jesus' famous parable, a young man who left behind a life he hated to do what he actually wanted to do. What I envy in the Prodigal Son I also envy in Mary of Bethany. I envy free-spirited people who have the nerve to throw aside everything that is expected of them so that they may instead follow their hearts. I envy shameless people who don't give a flying rip what anyone thinks of them.

As a host, Mary was supposed to help her sister with the housework; instead she followed her heart to the feet of Jesus and to the spiritual enlightenment she desired. As a woman, Mary was supposed to be modest; instead, she did things that were frowned upon as indecent and wasteful in order to express some of her deepest feelings. Mary was not willing to simply be the person her family and her society expected her to be. She was true to herself, and Jesus commended her for it.

Lately I have come to realize that my preoccupation with what everybody thinks of me is a part of myself that needs to die. If I go through life constantly afraid of upsetting or disappointing people, then I will essentially be a slave to everyone I meet; my life will be miserable; and anything I set out to do will ultimately go down in flames. During these past few weeks, in this season of Lent, I have given up some of the "supposed to's" that occupy my mind so that I may focus on the "one thing" that really matters.

Lately, a certain revelation of St. Paul has brought me comfort.

Paul, in his Second Letter to the Corinthians, mentioned that he was tormented by something he called a "thorn in the flesh."⁵ Though he never said exactly what this "thorn in the flesh" was, there has been a lot of speculation. Most people think that he was referring to some sort of physical ailment, perhaps weakening eyesight.

I wonder if Paul was actually referring to something else entirely, something he didn't want to put into writing. Though the word "flesh" might refer to a person's physical body, this word is also used in the Bible to refer to the ego or the self. Personally, I wonder if this "thorn in the flesh" wasn't physical at all but rather spiritual. In another letter, Paul wrote, "I'm sold as a slave to sin. I don’t know what I’m doing, because I don’t do what I want to do. Instead, I do the thing that I hate."⁶ I wonder if Paul had some sort of character flaw that he just couldn't seem to overcome.

If this is the case, then perhaps perceived expectations weighed heavily on Paul, just as they did on Martha, just as they did on the Prodigal Son's older brother, and just as they do on me. He certainly wasn't living up to his own expectations. Perhaps he even thought that he wasn't living up to God's expectations either. Paul was a leader in the Church, so maybe he didn't feel as though he was living up to his calling. Realizing that he could not overcome his problem on his own, he begged God to take it away from him. He prayed three times, and things never got any better - things just weren't getting done.

Finally, Paul heard God say,

"My grace is enough for you."⁷

These words have meant a lot to me in the past few weeks. I think that a lot of us think of grace as the power from God to just do better. According to theologian Paul Tillich, "Grace does not mean simply that we are making progress in our moral self-control, in our fight against special faults, and in our relationships to men and to society." Tillich goes on to say that God's grace is that which calls out to us when we have hit rock bottom, saying:
You are accepted. You are accepted, accepted by that which is greater than you, and the name of which you do not know. Do not ask for the name now; perhaps you will find it later. Do not try to do anything now; perhaps later you will do much. Do not seek for anything; do not perform anything; do not intend anything. Simply accept the fact that you are accepted!⁸

When God said, "My Grace is enough for you," God was essentially saying, "Your 'thorn in the flesh' is not going away. You are not going to live up to anyone's expectations, not even your own. But it doesn't matter: I love you and accept you, 'thorns' and all."

I hate to upset people, and I hate for people to be disappointed in me, but I can no longer bear the weight I have been carrying, the weight of my perceived expectations. If we know each other in real life, it's most likely that I will someday upset you, disappoint you, offend you, or let you down, if I haven't done so already. I cannot do everything that everyone wants me to do, and I cannot fulfill the hopes, dreams, and expectations that everyone has for me. I can't even meet the expectations I have for myself. To be honest, I don't really want to meet all these expectations either. I just want to live my life and to be true to myself.

Grace is that which allows us to throw aside our perceived expectations, to be true to ourselves, and to follow our hearts. And grace is that which welcomes us home those times when following our hearts lands us in a pigsty.

I can't do what everyone wants me to do, and I can't be what everyone wants me to be,

but that's alright. God's grace is enough for me.

Notes:

Luke 10:38-40 (The Voice)
Luke 10:41-42 (The Voice)
Wikipedia: Mary of Bethany
John 12:1-8
2 Corinthians 12:7
Romans 7:14-15 (CEB)
2 Corinthains 12:8-9
Paul Tillich, The Shaking of the Foundations. ch. 19