The following is the eleventh in a series of reflections on The Great Divorce.
For more reflections on this work, check out the hub page for the series.
For more reflections on this work, check out the hub page for the series.
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Not a Project
A reflection on chapter 10 of C.S. Lewis's The Great Divorce
Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NRSV)
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NRSV)
I only know what I've been working for
Another you so I could love you more
I really thought that I could take you there
But my experiment is not getting us anywhere
From "My Favorite Game" by The Cardigans
In the Sanctuary of Mercy Church in Zaragoza, Spain, there was a fresco of Jesus Christ painted by Elias Garcia Martinez. Though the wall painting was not thought to be particularly valuable, it was special to the congregation and to the surrounding community. It had fallen into a state of disrepair due to moisture damage, so, in 2012, an elderly parishioner who had the the best of intentions took it upon herself to restore it, thinking she had the approval of the priest. Unfortunately, her restoration attempt didn't turn out so well.1
Some commentators suggested that, after the failed restoration, the person in the painting looked less like Jesus and more like Saturday Night Live's clay man Mr. Bill.
One of the ghosts who made the trip from Hell to Heaven is met by her mother-in-law and learns that her husband is already there. She is rather hesitant see him again, still angry for his utter ingratitude for all she had done for him in their life together. According to the ghost, it was she who persuaded her husband to take on the extra work that ultimately led to his promotion. He might have thought that working thirteen hours a day was difficult, but he had no idea that, for her, making a man out of him was a 24-7 job. When he came home from work, she still had to do the hard work to pulling him out of himself, otherwise he would just sit around and mope all evening.
The ghost remembers all the other things she did for her husband. At one time, he had a little hobby of writing - he even talked about writing a book someday - but it was she who got him to give up all that nonsense and focus on a real career. It was she who showed him how stupid his friends were and got him to associate with people who had some class and influence. It was she who got him to buy a bigger house so that they could properly entertain those friends. It was she who bought him a dog to make sure that he got out of the house and got some exercise every day. The woman did all of this for her husband, and never once did he show her any sign of appreciation or enjoyment.
Maybe, if the ghost's husband had been more of a man, he wouldn't have had a nervous breakdown.
King Solomon mused that "it is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a contentious wife."2 That said, I wonder if this ghost's husband was the type of man who would often retreat to the rooftop to collect his thoughts.
Actually, if he did have a habit of retreating to the rooftop, he probably didn't have it for long.
Albert Einstein once said, "Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed." This statement is, of course, a gross generalization. I am sure that there are some women who want their husbands not to change and some men who would like for their wives to change, and I hope that there are some men and women who do not approach marriage in such a way. Even so, Einstein's observation certainly applies to this particular ghost. Not only did she want her husband to change, she tried to force him to change, and she was inevitably disappointed when he proved to be somewhat less than malleable.
One problem that has been the ruin of many relationships in our day in time is the search for what psychologist James Hollis calls the "Magical Other." According to Hollis,
The Magical Other is the idea that there is one person out there who is right for us, will make our lives work, a soul-mate who will repair the ravages of our personal history, one who will be there for us, will read our minds, know what we want and meet those deepest needs; a good parent who will protect us from suffering and spare us the challenging journey of individuation.3
The search for the Magical Other has become ingrained into pop culture. The Magical Other is the person to whom one can say, like Tom Cruise to Renee Zellweger in the film Jerry Maguire, "You complete me." The Magical Other is the nonexistent person to whom Noel Gallagher of the band Oasis wrote the song "Wonderwall": "Maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me." So often, we think we're searching for a lover, when we're actually searching for a savior. To fill a "God-shaped hole" is way too much to expect from a husband or a wife.
I don't know all of the dynamics at work in the ghost's marriage. I don't know if the woman was searching for her Magical Other, but it is obvious that her husband fell far short of her expectations for him, so she tried to shape him into someone who did meet her expectations. She did her best to "fix" him.
We all have imperfections, but it is not our job to try to fix each other. John Burke, in his book No Perfect People Allowed, compares all of us broken human beings to Rembrandt paintings caked in mud. One who found such a painting would not throw it in the trash, for it is still a priceless masterpiece despite the mud. One also wouldn't try to clean the painting on her own, otherwise she might make the problem worse, not unlike the woman who tried to restore the fresco of Jesus. A wise person would trust such a job to a master.4 Likewise, when we encounter each other in our brokenness, we don't try to fix each other. First of all, we don't really know how to fix people, and, second of all, our definition of a character flaw is likely different from God's. Trying to fix someone only leaves him or her all the more broken. Instead of trying to fix each other, we are to entrust each other to the Master, namely God.
Personally, I am still coming to terms with the reality that my Magical Other doesn't exist and that, if she did exist, I probably wouldn't lucky enough to be the Magical Other she had in mind. I don't know if I'll ever get married, but, if I do, I hope that whomever I marry will understand that I'm not her project. I hope that she would accept me and love me for who I am, and I hope that I would do the same for her.
It is not our job to fix each other, for no mere mortal has the divine wisdom necessary to accomplish such a task. It is also not our job to save or complete each other, for that is way too much to expect from anybody. What is our job is to love other people as we love ourselves, whether or not people change and whether or not people meet our expectations.
Notes:
- http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-19349921
- Proverbs 25:24 (NRSV)
- James Hollis. The Eden Project: In Search of the Magical Other. 1998, Inner City Books. p. 45
- John Burke. No Perfect People Allowed: Creating a Come-as-You-Are Culture in the Church. 2009, Zondervan. p. 97
- Please realize that I am not referring to situations in which domestic abuse is involved. Calling the police might actually be the most loving thing a person could do for an abusive spouse.
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Great post Tony and great reminder for marriage!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kim!
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