Introspection: A Missing Piece of the Puzzle

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A Missing Piece of the Puzzle

Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7 (NRSV)

How many times have You heard me cry out

"God, please take this"?

How many times have You given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh, I need You

God, I need You now

From "Need You Now" by Plumb

As I noted previously, not long ago, I asked my friends to pray for me, because I felt that some things in my life needed to change.  Since then, I've learned how important it is to beware when making such a request.  A lot of good has come into my life, but also a lot has changed.  I have made the difficult decision to leave the church I've attended my entire life to go to a larger church where I can be with my peers.¹  I have also had to take on a greater leadership role in the Bible study group in which I've participated for the last five years.  In the midst of these changes, I've felt anxiety about numerous things, including the future of my Bible study group and of the church I'm leaving behind.  The anxiety, joy, and uprootedness of my life has put me on an emotional roller coaster.

As far as I can remember, I have always been prone to anxiety.  A few years ago, I came to the conclusion that worry must be some sort of addiction, for it makes no sense that a person would willingly do something so utterly unpleasant.  I'm starting to think that maybe worry is not an addiction but rather a withdrawal symptom.  I think that maybe control is the substance to which the worrier is actually addicted.  Though we do have a limited measure of control in our lives, we are all subject to forces beyond our control, both natural and supernatural.

Lately I've been convicted about my lack of trust in God.  Though I believe that God loves me and has acted mightily in my life in the past, I typically fall into one of two ways of thinking.  Sometimes I think that God is rather uninvolved in my life, leaving me to fend for myself.  Other times I fear that what God wants for me something I really don't want for myself.  The idea of turning things over to God always makes me nervous, because I am afraid that my hopes, dreams, and desires will end up on the proverbial chopping block.  I'm starting to wonder if maybe the first things I need to turn over to God are the things I actually want God to take away from me - things like anxiety.

At the Christian school I attended for many years, I heard over and over again about the importance of spending some quiet time with God in the morning, but I never imagined myself actually doing this.  I have never been a morning person, and historically my mornings have been a mad dash to get ready for the day and to get out the door on time.

A little over a year ago, I started making it a practice to read a Bible passage from the daily Lectionary every morning before going to work.  I do this to start my day off on a positive note, to give myself something on which to meditate throughout the day, and to give myself a reason to write after work.  I've thoroughly enjoyed this new practice, but, to be honest, it has been a bit of a struggle for me.  I had to start setting my alarm clock to go off little bit earlier in the morning, and I've had to fight harder against the gravitational pull between my head and my pillow.  On my worst mornings, reading my Bible becomes one more thing I do hurriedly before brushing my teeth, grabbing my personal effects, and heading out the door.

I have come to realize that there is a missing piece of the puzzle, something else I need to incorporate into my morning quiet time.  Perhaps, before putting something into my mind, I need to first get some things out of my mind.  I think my anxiety is a symptom of a lack of trust in God, but, at the same time, I think my lack of trust in God is related to a lack of prayer in my life.  In studying the Psalms, the prayer book of the Hebrew people, I see how David and the other Psalmists routinely turned to God in the midst of their troubles.  Their first reaction to trouble is to pray.  My first reaction is to worry.

I have learned a lot about prayer over time.  After taking a class on prayer last year, I have become pretty good at writing prayers, but I'm not very good at praying regularly.  To be honest, prayer is something that still leaves me mystified.  If God knows what we need better than we do, then why do we need to ask?  Do our prayers actually cause God to take action in a particular way?  Years ago, I prayed to God every morning about a bad job situation, and, months later, I was provided a way out.  Did God act because I prayed?  Or would the same events have happened regardless of whether or not I prayed?  To be honest, I don't really know, but I'm thankful to God anyway.

I always cringe a little bit when I hear somebody say that "prayer works."  I don't think prayer is ineffective, but sometimes I wonder if we confuse prayer with magic.  Using the right words to convince supernatural forces to do one's bidding is not praying, but rather casting a spell.  We might end our prayers with the words, "In Jesus' name I pray," because Jesus said, "If you ask anything of the Father in My name, He will give it to you."²  We might begin a prayer with, "Dear Heavenly Father," and throw in, "if it be Thy will," a few times, hoping to make God more receptive.  I speak from experience in this matter.

As I see it, to pray about a situation is not to try to get God to give us the outcome we want.  To pray about a situation is to put the situation fully into God's capable hands and to trust in God regardless of the outcome.

Though I believe that prayer has the potential to change our circumstances, I believe that prayer changes us more than it changes our circumstances.  According to preacher Brian Zahnd, "The primary purpose of prayer is not to get God to do what you want Him to do, but to be properly formed."³  God is always at work in the world.  I believe that, when our hearts are in the right place, we give God the opportunity to work through us and not in spite of us.  In the words of one early theologian, we become "partners with Christ."⁴  Prayer changes us, and, when prayer changes us, we become the agents through which God can change the world around us.

I don't fully understand how prayer works, but I know that I cannot keep living with anxiety.  Anxiety is not something I can conquer by myself, and so many things that give me anxiety are things I cannot control.  I have no choice but to trust in God, to trust that God really does work out all things for good.⁵  In the last few days, I've started taking a few minutes each morning to pray, specifically to turn over to God all sources or potential sources of anxiety in my life, so that I may live in the present moment.  Once again, I've had to set my alarm clock to go off little bit earlier, but it's a small price to pay for the peace I hope to find.

Lately my life has been a roller coaster ride full of joy, anxiety, uncertainty, and discouragement, but I take comfort in the knowledge that God has a purpose for me in the midst of it all.  I think that God has a purpose for each of us, amid the rise and fall of the tide.  There are things in our lives we can control, and in such matters we are invited to seek wisdom from God.  There are other matters in which we must choose to either trust in God or worry ourselves sick.  God is always at work in this world, and, even if everything crashes and burns all around us, we can trust in God to bring something good out of the wreckage.


Notes:

1. More about this decision will likely follow.
2. John 16:23 (NRSV)
3. Brian Zahnd.  "You Are What You Pray."  Brianzahnd.com, 05/27/13.
4. Hebrews 3:14 (CEB)
5. Romans 8:28 (CEB)

Praying Hands was drawn by Albrecht Dürer around 1508.