Introspection: Moments of Grace

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.

Comments are always welcomed.

If you find these thoughts helpful, please share.

Moments of Grace

Won't you look away long enough

for me to swallow my spit?

Are you harmed by my sin, you jailer?

Why use me for your target practice?

Am I so great a burden to you?

Job 7:19-20 (GNT)

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But this I call to mind,

and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

"The Lord is my portion," says my soul,

"therefore I will hope in him."

Lamentations 3:21-24 (NRSV)

That's me in the corner

That's me in the spotlight

Losing my religion

From "Losing My Religion" by R.E.M.

Have you ever noticed how much blame God catches?  Not too long ago, a friend of mine noted in Sunday school that the phrase act of God is never used to describe anything good.  A case in point is that in legal jargon an "act of God" is a natural disaster for which nobody can be held liable.¹  On one episode of Seinfeld, George Costanza remarks to his therapist that God would never allow him to be happy or successful.  The therapist says to him, "I thought you didn't believe in God."  George replies, "I do for the bad things."²

I like to think that my theology is better than that of insurance companies and unbalanced sitcom characters, but sometimes, I'm sad to say, my perception of God is just as bad.

I've recently started taking turns teaching Sunday school once again, having officially joined my new church a few months ago.  Actually, I should probably say that I've started taking turns leading Sunday school, since my class is a lot more discussion-based than the class I taught previously.  Last Sunday, I tried to print the article we would be discussing in class, planning to make copies in the church office after I went to breakfast.  When the paper came out of the printer, I noticed that it was blank.  For some reason, no ink was coming out of the black ink cartridge, even though wasn't empty.  I even switched the ink cartridge to be certain.  I spent at least forty minutes trying to print the article, to no avail.

I tried to keep my cool, but inevitably I lost my temper.  Finally, I put the article on a thumb drive, so that I could skip breakfast, print the article at church, and then hungrily sit through church and Sunday school.  I should note that I've waited until after church to eat breakfast many times without starving to death, but I don't particularly like to change my plans at the last minute, especially when obstinate machinery is involved.

I was looking forward to leading Sunday school that morning.  I thought that the class was going to have a very interesting discussion.  Like so many times when I've found myself subject to "the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune," I began to think that the projectiles were coming from Above.  For some reason, it seems that, whenever I start feeling good about myself, something comes along to take the proverbial wind out of my sails.  I know that excessive pride is not a good thing, but sometimes I wonder if God doesn't want me to have any pride whatsoever.  Like the biblical character Job, I've wished that God would leave me alone and start taking potshots at someone else for a while, perhaps someone a little more deserving of the abuse.

Before I continue, I would like to admit that I have a tendency to be a bit melodramatic when things go wrong.  What I laughably call suffering, which is really just but a bunch of "first world problems," is nothing like the suffering Job faced.  I did not lose my wealth, my health, and my children in a very short span of time like Job did.³  If I'm honest, I have to admit that all of my "Why have You forsaken me?" moments are really just "Why can't I get my crap together?" moments.

When I arrived at church, I found that the doors were still locked, so I went to get breakfast as I had originally planned.  I was the first customer through the door of the restaurant, so I had plenty of time to enjoy my breakfast and drink some coffee.  I went on to church, and, when I was unable to print the article from my thumb drive, Christine, one of my pastors, found the article on the Internet and made the copies for me.

My moment of frustration was followed by a moment of grace.

So where was God in all this?  Did God cause my printer to malfunction just knock me down a peg?  Or did God orchestrate the moment of grace I experienced afterward?  In my anger, I assumed the former, but, when I calmed down, I started to believe the latter.  To be honest, I don't really know what God did or did not do, but I know that I cannot blame God for one thing without thanking God for the other.  I doubt that God caused my printer to malfunction, but, if God did cause the problem, I can assume it was for my benefit, because God is loving and not spiteful.  Perhaps I needed to learn that I should be better prepared.  Perhaps I needed to learn that I do not have to be as self-sufficient as I want to be and that people will help me in times of need.

This is not the first time in my life a moment of frustration gave way to a moment of grace.  Nearly two years ago, on the evening before Christmas Eve, all of my Christmas shopping was completed, and all of the presents I had bought were wrapped and under the tree.  I felt pretty proud of myself - for a moment.  I visited my grandmother so that I could vacuum her living room floor, as she had asked me to do.  Because I ran the vacuum cleaner while my mom was using the microwave, we tripped a circuit breaker.  We had trouble restoring power in certain rooms, and, as I am wont to do in such situations, I became angry with myself and acted like a complete jackass.  Eventually my mom found the correct circuit breaker.

I left my grandmother's house and went to a coffee shop, no longer feeling proud of myself.  It was late, but the baristas had not yet turned off the oven, so I was still able to order something to eat.  I took a sip of my coffee, and it scalded my mouth.  I then remembered the biblical story in which the prophet Isaiah finds himself in the presence of God and assumes that he is a goner, as he is "a man of unclean lips," not unlike myself.  A heavenly creature hears his lament, takes a live coal from the altar, and touches his mouth with it, cleansing him of his guilt.⁴  Perhaps my unclean lips had been cleansed as well.

I wonder if the reason I so often assume God is angry with me is that I'm actually angry with myself.  In other words, perhaps I project my anger with myself onto God.  Perhaps I realized deep down that waiting until Sunday morning to print something I needed for Sunday school was a rather stupid thing to do.

On the same Sunday I had problems with my printer, Jonathan, my other pastor, encouraged the congregation to have a "merciful Christmas," by showing mercy to others and also to ourselves.  We want our Christmas celebrations to be perfect, but we need to cut ourselves some slack when something inevitably goes wrong.⁵  It was a timely message for me.  To show oneself mercy when things go wrong is a difficult lesson for perfectionistic types like me to learn, but it is a lesson we must learn nonetheless.

When I pray, I often address God as "Most gracious and loving God," perhaps to remind myself that God is indeed gracious and loving.  I encourage you, dear reader, to remember that God is compassionate, even when life is cruel.  I also encourage you to cut yourself some slack when you mess up.  If God is merciful to us, then we can afford to be merciful to ourselves.  Even when we've "lost our religion," so to speak, we need not lose our faith.


Notes:

1. Wikipedia: "Act of God"
2. "The Pilot."  Seinfeld.  NBC.  05/20/1993.  Television.
3. Job 1-2
4. Isaiah 6:1-7 (NRSV)
5. Jonathan Tompkins.  "The Merciful One."  Travelers Rest United Methodist Church podcast, 12/10/2017.

The photograph of the cup of coffee was taken by Benjamin Balázs and is public domain.