Introspection: Hidden Clutter

I share these thoughts, hoping they are of help to someone else.


Hidden Clutter

Scripture:

Healthy people don't need a doctor, but sick people do. I didn't come to call righteous people, but sinners.

Mark 2:17 (CEB)

Come to Me, all you who are struggling hard and carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. Put on My yoke, and learn from Me. I'm gentle and humble. And you will find rest for yourselves. My yoke is easy to bear, and My burden is light.

Matthew 11:28-30 (CEB)

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain?
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

From "Stained Glass Masquerade" by Casting Crowns

Every year, in preparation for thanksgiving dinner at my house, my mother and I divide the responsibilities: my mom cooks while I clean. Most of my attention goes to the living room, which, unfortunately, accumulates a lot of clutter over time, the vast majority of it mine. When I start cleaning, the living room will actually look a lot worse before it starts to look better. This phenomenon occurs, because cleaning forces us to expose everything that has been swept under the rug - or, in my case, crammed in a corner behind a chair. Only when such clutter is brought to light can it be sorted out and dealt with properly.

Just as there is a lot of clutter in my living room, there is a lot of clutter in my life. These are things that I try to sweep under the proverbial rug or cram behind the metaphorical chair because I do not want people to see them in me. Case in point, earlier this week, I was able to leave work early, so I used the extra time to exercise. I noticed that one of the handlebars on my exercise bike was a little loose, so I decided to take it off to fix it. I had a great deal of trouble removing some of the bolts, and I lost my temper. As I worked on the bike, I yelled, threw a pair of pliers and a ratchet wrench at the floor, and employed a number of four-letter words that I know I should not have used. I was rather disgusted with myself afterward.

I was at home by myself when I lost my cool that day. Only a few people have seen this side of me. My anger is something that I have tried to keep hidden because I just do not want people to know about it. Had I been around other people while fixing my bike, I would have handled my frustration much more gracefully. Very few people have seen what I am actually like when I am angry. Normally, if I am angry around other people, I suppress my anger or deny it altogether.

The world can be a very judgmental and unforgiving place. Even in some churches, places intended for healing and mercy, weakness and failure are simply not allowed. Awareness of this has caused me to become some weird sort of perfectionist. I guard myself, fearful of what people might think if they knew the truth about me, that I have faults, that I have problems, that I am a sinner. I try to only let people see what I want them to see.

I like to read books and articles that are of a spiritual or religious nature. In the past couple of months, I was blessed to find two particular books that have truly resonated with me. The first is Healing for Damaged Emotions by David A. Seamands. As I read this book, I felt as though a majority of it was written especially for me. This work, written nearly thirty years ago, helps people to deal with things like low self-esteem, perfectionism, depression, and problems forgiving. In this book, the author teaches that nobody, not even a Christian, is invulnerable to such problems, that people should not be ashamed to admit these problems, and that Christ offers us healing.¹

The second book I have found is Messy Spirituality by Michael Yaconelli. Each time I sat down to read this book, my eyes would burn at least once as I fought back tears, so moving are the stories contained within. In this book, the author teaches that a person does not have to be a perfect Christian to have a relationship with God and that God reaches out to us in our imperfections and in the messiness of our lives.²

As I was reading this latter work, I began to wonder why these two books spoke to me so deeply. It then dawned on me that these authors were speaking directly to my own brokenness, to the very parts of myself that I try to keep hidden from other people.

There are a number of problems that result from hiding one's brokenness. A person who hides his or her brokenness cannot be healed. Just as clutter in a messy room must be brought out into the open to be sorted out, brokenness must be brought to the light for healing to occur. Christ once said, "Healthy people don't need a doctor, but sick people do. I didn't come to call righteous people, but sinners." A sick person can only be treated if he or she is willing to admit that there is a problem and then go to see a doctor. Likewise, spiritual brokenness can only be healed if it is acknowledged and brought to God.³

A person who hides his or her brokenness also runs the risk of becoming isolated. A person who keeps himself guarded, fearful that others will see his imperfections, may end up hiding the good parts of his character as well. As a result, others will never get to know who the person really is. Furthermore, nobody knows that the person needs help, and nobody knows to pray for the person.

I have been trying to be more open and honest about my own brokenness, so here and now I bring my clutter out into the open.

My name is Anthony Snyder, and I am broken. I am a sinner. I want everyone to think that I'm perfect, but I am not even close. I struggle with things like anger. I have problems. Sometimes I feel as though my whole life is a mess. I have tried to hide my brokenness from others, and I have hidden myself in the process. I have deprived myself of both the love and the prayers of other people.

I am going to venture a guess that you, the reader, are in the same boat that I am, that my confession of brokenness is true for all of us, whether or not we want to admit it. Just realize that God loves all of us regardless. Realize that God has a purpose and a plan for each of us despite our brokenness. Know that God, in His grace, is able to heal us if we will only let Him into our hearts to do so.


Notes:
1 - David A. Seamands. Healing for Damaged Emotions. 1981, David C. Cook.
2 - Michael Yaconelli. Messy Spirituality. 2007, Zondervan.
3 - A word of thanks to all of my friends who reminded me of this recently.


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