Introspection: Why I Do This

I share these thoughts, hoping they are of help to someone else.


Why I Do This

Scripture:

No one after lighting a lamp puts it under the bushel basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all in the house.

Matthew 5:15 (NRSV)

2AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me
Threatening the life it belongs to

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to

From "Breathe (2AM)" by Anna Nalick

A few weeks ago, after midnight, after New Year's Eve became New Year's Day, I posted my first perspective of the year, marking the beginning of a fourth year of blogging. I have to admit that very few of my hobbies and endeavors have had the longevity of this blog. I feel as though my writing has improved over the past three years; however, I have had this nagging feeling lately that this blog has lost something. If you look at my writings from the first two years, you will see that many were very personal and even quite vulnerable. On the other hand, the tone of my blog last year seemed a bit more preachy.

That said, I thought it might be a good idea to force myself to do some introspection and to reflect on why I keep this blog.

I started this blog nearly three years ago. I was going through a rough time in my life, questioning whether or not I had chosen the right career path, and I began to reconsider the possibility going into the ministry. Wondering if I could actually deliver a sermon, I asked my pastor for some opportunities to preach at my church. At the same time, I felt as though there was little sense in doing all the work of writing a sermon, only to have it collect proverbial dust after it had been delivered only once. A friend of mine was writing devotionals on his blog at that time, so I decided to follow suit and to start my own so that I could share my sermons with anyone who would read them.

I realized that, if I wanted to keep updating my blog, I would need to post something besides sermons, since my opportunities to preach might not be very frequent. I started to write shorter, more personal posts, which I called introspections. In these posts, I recorded the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing and the lessons I felt that God was teaching me in the midst of a bad job situation, unemployment, and a transition to a new job. In these posts I also opened up about my struggles with perfectionism, self-image, forgiveness, and chronic singleness.

As time went by, I began writing posts that were less personal. I went exclusively to Christian schools until I attended college, so I have learned a lot about the Bible. Though I don't regularly study the Scriptures as I should, because of my education it is not uncommon for me to get a verse, passage, or story from the Bible stuck in my head. Sometimes I will have some sort of musing about it and want to share it with other people, especially since I feel as though my way of thinking about things is somewhat unique. There are other times that I will ponder the spiritual implications of a subject, a song, a picture, or something in the media. I write about such things in posts which I call perspectives, since they reflect my perspective on things.

When I realized that my opportunities to preach would be few and far between, I offered to teach Sunday School at my church. Since then, I have been in rotation with two other teachers. A number of times, there has been an interplay between my blog and my Sunday school lessons: sometimes elements from my lessons have become perspectives, while, on a few occasions, my perspectives have actually become lessons.

I see my blog as a means of sharing my beliefs and my faith journey with other people. Christ told His disciples to take His message "unto the uttermost part of the earth."¹ While I have never been the type of person to walk up to a complete stranger to initiate a conversation about Jesus, I try to present, in my blog posts, the message of Christ in a way that is not threatening or off-putting but rather personal, practical, and hopeful. I have tried to make it easy for readers to share my posts with anyone whom they think could benefit from reading them. When Christ said "the uttermost part of the earth," I imagine that He was including cyberspace as well.

I recently took a survey at my church to determine my spiritual gift.² The results of the survey indicate that I have been blessed with the gift of knowledge, which "drives a person to learn, analyze, and uncover new insights with regard to the Bible and faith." The gift of knowledge is of little worth unless I use it to be a blessing to others. Furthermore, I realize that I will die someday, and that all the insights I accumulate over the years will fade away if I have not passed them on to other people. As Jesus said, "No one after lighting a lamp puts it under the bushel basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all in the house." If God has indeed entrusted me with a message, then I must share it.³

I also see my blog as a way of sharing my story. When I was still a part of the Wesley Fellowship at my alma mater, a number of us in the group, including myself, had the opportunity to share our stories with the rest of the group. I think that it was at this time that I learned the importance of sharing one's story with other people, and I realized that even the most boring everyman, who may very well be myself, has a story so share. I do not know how common or unique my experiences actually are, but I share them anyway in the hopes that the lessons I have learned in my life may help somebody somewhere.

I cannot claim that writing for me is purely an act of ministry or that all of my motives for writing are completely unselfish. There is indeed a more indulgent reason for me to keep my blog. If you were ever to meet me in person, you might find me to be a shy, quiet, awkward, introverted person. Sometimes, I am the most quiet person in the room. These aspects of my personality are rather frustrating to me, and they often make me feel lonely. I keep my blog to prove that, though I may have the personality of a wax figure in some settings, I am indeed a flesh-and-blood human being that has thoughts in his head and feelings in his heart. I feel as though this blog gives me a way to express myself and a connection to the world.

Writing for my blog has also been a way for me to work things out in my life over the past few years. Sometimes I need a place to look back on the lessons God has taught me in the past. Some of my writings are cathartic, written to help me work through some of my feelings of depression or discouragement. Though I sometimes try not to let it show, I am actually a rather moody person. I am also an admitted perfectionist, always trying to hide what I think is unacceptable about myself. Sometimes I think that if I get enough of my faults and quirks out in the open I will break myself of my perfectionism. There have been times that I have even become angry or ashamed with myself as I wrote. Sometimes I wonder if I reveal a little too much about myself. Last year, a friend of mine said that she read my blog and started worrying about me.

I think that the Internet is a wonderful thing. I speak, not as a "computer nerd," but as a creative soul. The Internet gives a voice and a creative outlet to anyone who wants them. Aspiring writers, filmmakers, artists, and musicians can express themselves and find an audience without first catching the eye of some sort of benefactor. The internet offers many different creative outlets free of charge, so, if you have creative impulses, I encourage you to try one out for yourself and to let your creativity flow.

As for me, I will continue on the path on which I have been traveling. This year I hope to publish more introspective writings like this one, but I can make no promises. After all, I do not know where life will lead me or how God will work in my life this year. Still, as long as I have a message to share, I will continue to write.


Notes:
1 - Acts 1:8 (KJV)
2 - See Romans 12:6-8 and 1 Corinthians 12:4-11
3 - I sometimes struggle with determining whether something I write comes from me or from God. I do not know what is more arrogant: claiming that God's words are mine or claiming that my words are God's. I prefer to think that God inspired me with a message and that I fleshed the message out with my words.


If you have any feedback, thoughts, stories, or even arguments to contribute, please leave comments.