Introspection: For Better or For Worse

I share these thoughts, hoping they are of help to someone else.

For Better or For Worse

Scripture:

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7,11 (NRSV)

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

From "Love Me" by JJ Heller

For a time, I prayed for a companion, as I have mentioned in a number of previous introspections. Since then, I have realized a few things about love. In December of last year, I wrote a perspective on a subject about which I have no personal experience, namely marriage.¹ It was around that time that I came to some important realizations about my own search for "love." I realized that, contrasted with the true sacrificial nature of marital love, my search for a companion has been largely selfish.

For a time, I prayed for a companion, and, though I tried to surrender to God, vocally praying that He would bring into my life the woman whom He would choose for me, in the back of my mind I still had a wish list. Like many people who seek companionship, I had a list of requirements. Still, at the same time, I realized that, if I were ever to meet the mythical woman who was "perfect for me," then it is not very likely that I would be the "perfect man" for her. Odds are, I would probably fall far short of meeting her own list of requirements for a mate.

Another problem with my search for a relationship is that I was... well... searching for a relationship. I really hate to admit this, but there were times in the past that I sought a relationship, a status, a milestone more than I sought an actual person. There were times that I wanted a girlfriend more than I wanted the girl. Perhaps I just wanted what I thought everyone else had. Perhaps I wanted some sort of personal fulfillment or validation. Perhaps I just wanted to know I wasn't defective or unlovable. Perhaps I was just chasing after pretty faces.

In short, I got it all wrong...

very, very wrong.

In the midst of my pursuit for a relationship, there was also a deep sense of fear. There are some qualities about myself that don't make me very endearing. In fact, there are times that I have been a world-class jackass. There are things about me that don't exactly make me proud of myself. I have this lingering fear that, even if I were to fall in love with someone who fell in love with me, she would inevitably see too much of me and leave me. Sometimes I wonder if this fear even leads me to sabotage my own relationships. Maybe this is just my perfectionism talking.

One of my favorite thinkers these days is an Irish philosopher named Peter Rollins. Through the magic of the podcast, I have heard him say a number of profound things about love.

I have been told by a number of people that I would be more likely to find a girlfriend if I wasn't looking for one. Rollins pointed out the reason when he was interviewed by Rob Bell at Mars Hill Bible Church. He said that, when a person is not desperately seeking fulfillment through a mate, the person able to encounter somebody on a deeper level: he or she is open to truly getting to know somebody. It is only when one truly gets to know somebody that he or she can say, "I never needed you until I met you, but when I met you I now realize I always needed you." True desire for another person is retroactive.²

For a time, I prayed for a companion, but the truth is that I cannot truly want a companion until I have already gotten to know her.

Rollins, when he took his Insurrection tour to Revolution Church in New York City, somewhat facetiously said that marriage is "one of the worst things you can do," and that a marriage proposal "is one of the most horrific things you can do to a person." He goes on to explain that many married couples break up over infidelity or other various problems and that many other couples stay together in a state of lovelessness. He then implies that maybe the true romantics are the ones who are aware of all the potential horrors and pitfalls of marriage but are still compelled to give themselves to someone else.³

I live a relatively easy life. Having a wife or even a girlfriend would not make my life any easier. In fact, having a companion would make my life more complicated. Furthermore, if I got married, my wife would see the many sides of my personality - the good, the bad, and the ugly. It is certain that my wife would learn things about me that she doesn't like. The truth of the matter is that I would also see the many sides of my wife's character and that I would also learn things about her that I don't like.

But maybe that is what love is all about.

St. Paul wrote that love "bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." I am convinced that true love is not a feeling. Feelings change, but, if love truly "bears all things" and "endures all things" as Paul wrote, then true love must be something deeper and stronger than feelings. True love must then be greater and more powerful than a person's mistakes, faults, shortcomings, quirks, hangups, and emotional baggage.

In the traditional marriage service found in the Book of Common Prayer, the bride and the groom take each other "to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death [them] do part..." Maybe true love shines through, not in the "better," in the "richer," and in the "health," but rather in the "worse," in the "poorer," and in the "sickness." Maybe true love shines through when two people have been married for years, and one is concerned about losing a job, and one of their cars has just broken down, and one of their children has just been expelled from school, and they both keep seeing cockroaches in the house, but somehow they resolve to come through it all together.

Some of you readers might disagree with me, but I believe that there is no such thing as "love at first sight." I believe there is such a thing as attraction at first sight, lust at first sight, and maybe even infatuation at first sight - I'm familiar with those. True love, I believe, takes time to bloom and to grow.

My lack of understanding about the true nature of love is why my pursuit of a romantic relationship has failed. Objectifying members of the opposite sex is a lot easier and a lot more subtle than one might think. It is wrong for me to desire a relationship for the sake of having a relationship. I must instead desire a relationship because I desire the person with whom I want the relationship. It has been said that "each mind is a world." I must not look at a woman as merely a potential mate. I must look at her as a world of feelings, thoughts, experiences, hopes, and dreams - a world like my own. For the two of us to truly get to know and to love each other I must see into her world and allow her to see into mine.

For a time, I prayed for a companion, and I desperately needed for God to intercede for me, though not in the way I originally thought. I needed God to help me move beyond things in my past and to teach me more about what it means to love somebody. It has been a while since I last prayed for a girlfriend. Lately I have been praying for something else. When I go out to spend time with my peers, I pray that I will become better friends with someone. I usually find that when I pray this way, I become more open to other people and engage in more meaningful conversations.

In the Bible, the Greek word translated as "repentance" is metanoia which means "to change one's mind."⁴ I have decided to repent of my pursuits for a relationship. Instead, I will simply seek to get to know people better - to see their worlds and to let them see mine - with no expectations and no pretensions. Only if I truly get to know people and allow them to get to know me will I ever find love of any kind, romantic or otherwise.


Notes:
1 - See my perspective "Sacrificial Love"
2 - Rob Bell and Peter Rollins, "Peter Rollins and the Power of Story." Mars Hill Bible Church podcast, 08/29/10.
3 - Peter Rollins and Padraig O Tuama, "The Insurrection Tour." Revolution NYC podcast, 04/11/10.
4 - Wikipedia: "Metanoia (theology)"


If you have any feedback, thoughts, stories, or even arguments to contribute, please leave comments.