Introspection: My Longing, My Prayer

I share these thoughts, hoping they are of help to someone else.


My Longing, My Prayer

Scripture:

Once when they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. Now Eli the priest was sitting on his chair by the doorpost of the LORD's house. In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the LORD, weeping bitterly. And she made a vow, saying, "LORD Almighty, if you will only look on your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head."

As she kept on praying to the LORD, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, "How long are you going to stay drunk? Put away your wine."

"Not so, my lord," Hannah replied, "I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief."

Eli answered, "Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of Him."

She said, "May your servant find favor in your eyes." Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.

1 Samuel 1:9-18 (TNIV)

No, I can't bear to live my life alone
I grow impatient for a love to call my own
But when I feel that I - I can't go on
These precious words keeps me hangin' on
I remember Mama said:

You can't hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes

From "You Can't Hurry Love," originally sung by The Supremes

In the Bible, there is a story about a woman named Hannah. Hannah wants, more than anything else in the world, to have a child of her own, but, unfortunately, she is unable to have children. Hannah is adored by her husband. He loves her more than he loves the rest of his family, even more than he loves his second wife with whom he does have children.¹ Even though Hannah has always had the affections of her husband, her ever-present longing for a child has caused her a great deal of misery. To make matters worse, Hannah's sister-wife sometimes, out of jealousy, taunts Hannah because she has children and Hannah does not.

Every year, Hannah and her family make a pilgrimage to Shiloh to make an offering to God. One year, while Hannah is with her family in Shiloh, she is so distraught that she is unable to eat. At the end of her rope, she decides to turn her longing over to God and asks Him for a son. She goes on to promise that, if God will give her a son, she will give her son back to God, dedicating him to God's service.

Hannah prays silently: her lips move, but no audible words come out of her mouth. This causes Eli, the priest on duty at the house of the Lord, to accuse her of being drunk. Hannah tells Eli that she was praying to God because she was in anguish. Eli then has compassion on her and asks for God's blessing upon her. Praying and speaking with Eli puts Hannah's heart at ease, and Hannah is able to eat again.

God blesses Hannah with a baby boy, whom she names Samuel. At a young age, Samuel begins working with Eli in the house of the Lord at Shiloh. Samuel grows up to become a great prophet of God in Israel.²

In a strange way, I can relate to Hannah. Like Hannah, I know what it is like to desire something that I fear that I will never have. While Hannah desperately wanted a child, I wish I had a girlfriend. I have wanted a romantic relationship for a very long time now, but my introversion, my self-consciousness, and my shyness have made interacting with females extremely difficult for me. Bad experiences in high school followed by years of emotional self-abuse had left me feeling that I was, for some reason, unlovable and that no woman in her right mind would ever want me.

I have not abandoned all hope, for I have begun to rethink this area of my life lately. Hannah's story gives me hope, so I have decided to follow Hannah's example and to turn my longing over to God. I have started to pray every day that God will lead me to someone with whom I can share my life.

I must admit that I feel a little bit selfish for praying for a girlfriend. After all, I have a lot to be thankful for: I have a family and friends who care about me; I have a job; I have good health; and, most importantly, I am a beloved child of God. With all these things, I feel that I should not want anything but that I should be happy with my life the way it is. I think that Hannah must have felt the same way at times. Hannah was loved dearly, and her husband wondered why he was not enough for her.

Not all desires are inherently bad. The desire for companionship, much like the desire to have children, is a natural part of being human. These are desires that God programmed into our very nature: we are wired for these things. In the creation story, after Adam is created, God notes that it is not right for him to be alone, so God gives Adam a companion, Eve.³

Hannah promised that, if God gave her a son, she would give him back to God. To follow Hannah's example, I pray for God to help me to always live for Him. I also pray that God, if He does bring someone into my life, will help both of us together to live for Him.

I have decided to finally put aside my bitterness, my despair, and my self-pity and to reclaim the hope that I will someday fall in love and be loved in return. I have put my hopes and desires into God's hands, as I daily pray that God will give me someone with whom to share my life. Daily I rededicate myself to God by asking Him to help me to always live my life serving Him. I pray that God will continue to do so even if He does bring someone special into my life. I pray that she will also desire to serve God, and that together we will give our lives to Him.


Notes:
1 - Polygamy was permitted in ancient Hebrew culture, but most stories of polygamous relationships in the Bible will show you that it is not, by any means, a good thing.
2 - For Hannah's story in its entirety see 1 Samuel 1.
3 - Genesis 2:18, 21-24

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