Introspection: Check Engine

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Check Engine

Do you have eyes, and fail to see?  Do you have ears, and fail to hear?  And do you not remember?

Mark 8:18 (NRSV)

Give me a revelation

Show me what to do

'Cause I've been trying to find my way

I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without You

From "Revelation" by Third Day

It was a Thursday morning one month ago.  For the last few days, I had noticed that the check engine light on my car's dashboard was on.  It had gone out the day before, so I assumed that the problem somehow worked itself out.  That morning, as I drove to work, I noticed that the check engine light had started blinking, and suddenly my car started driving very rough.  When I arrived at work, I checked my car's user manual and learned that a blinking check engine light indicates an engine misfire.

I was livid.  My car has already given me trouble a number of times since I bought it brand new less than six years ago.  I've had to have my car towed back to my dealer once before because of an engine misfire, and I've already had to have the transmission replaced.  Once again, my life was being interrupted because of my piece-of-junk car.  It was like a microcosm of my life.  To borrow a phrase from Shakespeare's Hamlet, I was once again the victim of "the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."

I called my car dealer's service department.  I was still getting my car serviced by the dealer, because I thought that my drivetrain might still be under warranty, and I didn't want to risk voiding the warranty.  The woman who took my call told me that the earliest appointment she could get for me was a week and a day away.  I asked her what I was supposed to do in the meantime, and she said, "Well, I wouldn't drive it very far."  Thanks for nothing! I thought to myself.  I told her I would get back in touch with her.

I didn't get back in touch with her.  I decided to take my business elsewhere, warranty or no warranty.

My coworkers tried to help me find a nearby mechanic.  I happen to work at a technical college with an automotive technology department, so my boss suggested that I call the department head and ask him if he could recommend a mechanic.  I called Keith, the head of the automotive technology department, and asked him if he could recommend a mechanic.  He asked me what my problem was, and I told him that I had an engine misfire.  He asked me for the make and model of my car, and I gave him the specs.  He then said, "Hmmm...  That's easy enough.  Bring it on over."

His offer was a welcome surprise.  I was just hoping he would recommend a mechanic.  I didn't expect him to look at my car himself.

I drove down the street to the college's automotive campus and pulled into the garage at the back of the building.  Keith connected a diagnostic machine to my car's computer, but he could not get any results.  He tried connecting another machine to the computer but still could not get any results, so he said that he would have to diagnose the problem the old-fashioned way.  I started my car and popped the hood, and he got to work.

First, Keith disconnected the cable from each engine cylinder one by one.  Because disconnecting the cable from the second cylinder made no difference in how the engine was running, he deduced that the problem was with that particular cylinder.  Next, he tested the cable for that cylinder and determined that there was nothing wrong with it.  After that, I turned off my car, and Keith switched the spark plugs from the second and third cylinders.  When I started up my car again, the problem had not shifted to the third cylinder, so he determined that the problem was not caused by the spark plug.

By process of elimination, Keith deduced that the problem was most likely caused by the ignition coil.  The ignition coil is the component that transforms the low voltage from the car's battery to the high voltage necessary to create the spark that ignites the gasoline in the engine.¹  Keith said that I could probably buy a replacement at an auto parts store.  I asked him how much I owed him, and he told me to pay it forward.

I went back to work, ordered a new ignition coil from an auto parts store, and arranged for in-store pickup.  Because I watched Keith remove the ignition coil to switch the spark plugs, I figured that I could probably replace the part myself.  Around lunchtime, I drove to the auto parts store to pick up my new ignition coil and to purchase the ratchet bit I needed to replace it.  I drove back to work and replaced the part in the parking lot.  It was a simple procedure that took me about five minutes.  When I test drove the car around the building, it was running well once again.

I arrived at work angry, feeling once again like the helpless victim of circumstance.  I did not realize at that time that, as little as I know about auto repair, I was fully capable of fixing my car.  It was a simple matter of buying a new part and replacing the old one.  I just needed someone to help me figure out what the problem was and to show me how to deal with it.

A few days later, registration for summer and fall classes started at the technical college where I work.  One of my duties is to make sure that students are able to register once the registration period starts.  Typically this means enabling registration for the upcoming terms and staying up past midnight to make sure that the more diligent students have already started registering.  Luckily, I am able to do this from home, because I can log into my office computer remotely.

At one point during the evening, I was able to log into my computer at work, but, as midnight drew near, I started getting errors whenever I tried to log in again.  I began to suspect that my computer at the office had reset for some reason.  Registration is sort of a big deal, so, needless to say, I began to panic.  There is a bar near the building in which I work - sometimes I see mini bottles in the parking lot - so I didn't really want to drive over there at midnight.  Furthermore, I wasn't sure that my code for the security system would still work.

After employing a bunch of angry four- and five-letter words, I called my boss, and he suggested that I log into one of my coworkers' computers.  All of the computers are on the same network, so I could log into any one of them using my own username and password.  It was a very simple solution, and I felt rather stupid for not thinking of it myself.

I feel that there must be some sort of existential lesson to be learned from all of this.

Seven years ago, I imagined having a conversation with God, perhaps at the end of my life, perhaps "at the corner of First and Amistad."²  I've never really been satisfied with my adult life, but, when I imagined bringing some of my sources of frustration to God, I had an idea of how God might respond.  First, I asked God why I couldn't find my true calling in life.  God told me that I knew the whole time what I really wanted to do with my life and then asked me why I didn't do it.  Next, I asked God why I couldn't find love.  God replied with the name of a woman I knew at some point in my life, a woman who apparently was fond of me but completely off my radar, and then asked me why I ignored her.

I began to wonder if maybe the answers I seek in life are actually right in front of me though I often don't have the eyes to see them.  I wonder if many of the problems in life that seem so overwhelming - like a faulty ignition coil, a computer problem, or the existential crisis du jour - are actually exaggerated by a lack of knowledge, a lack of insight, or a lack of discernment.

Sometimes, when our own eyes fail us, we need the eyes of other people.

Late last year, I left my home church.  Because I was, by a wide margin, the youngest member of a very small congregation, I was lonely and felt that there was an inordinate amount of pressure on me.  I started attending church with some of my friends from my now-defunct Bible study group, and I made a lot of new friends there.  Over time, I came to realize that, for various reasons, that particular church was not a good fit for me.  At the same time, I was aware of another church that might be a better fit for me, but I had very few personal connections to it.  Though it was not quite as large as the church I had been attending, there was still a healthy number of people my age.

Feeling conflicted, I asked my friend Edward for some guidance.  Edward is an ordained elder in my denomination who ministers to students at my alma mater.  I knew that, as an elder in my region, he understands the lay of the land, but, because he does not serve a specific congregation, I could trust him to be impartial and objective.  He did not tell me which church I should attend, but he gave me a listening ear, helped me to sort through the details of my conundrum, helped me to see my options with more clarity, and gave me a number of things to consider as I weighed my options.

Ultimately I decided to leave behind the familiarity of the church I had been attending.  Since then, I have become more and more enchanted with my new church.  Hopefully, as one who has become a traveler among churches, I will soon be able to rest.

Sometimes the answers we seek in life are right in front of us, though we might not have the eyes to see them.  Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees, and sometimes we can't see the trees for the forest.  At those times, we need the eyes of other people.  When we lack wisdom, insight, or discernment, we need trustworthy people who can help us to see what we are missing.


Notes:

1. Wikipedia: "Ignition Coil"
2. That is a reference to the song "You Found Me" by The Fray.

The diagram of the ignition system is public domain.