Introspection: Now What? (2016)

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Now What? (2016)

After Jesus said these things, as they were watching, he was lifted up and a cloud took him out of their sight.

Acts 1:9 (CEB)

Hang on, when the water is rising

Hang on, when the waves are crashing

Hang on, just don't ever let go

From "Hang On" by Plumb

The Disciples had been through a lot over the last few years.  They were all called away from their ordinary lives to become the followers of a traveling teacher and healer named Jesus.  They watched as He proclaimed the Kingdom of God, healed the sick, befriended outcasts, and clashed with the religious leaders.  Like many, the Disciples hoped that Jesus was the long-awaited Messiah who would defeat the Roman Empire and restore Israel to its former glory.  They thought their hopes would soon be realized when Jesus took a stand against the Empire by riding into Jerusalem like a king and when Jesus took a stand against the corrupt religious establishment by creating a disturbance at the Temple.  Their hopes were shattered soon afterward when He was executed on a cross.

A couple of days later, after the Disciples began receiving reports from various people that Jesus was alive and well, He suddenly appeared in their midst, saying, "Peace be with you."¹  Their hopes were restored.  Jesus was alive, so everything could go back to normal.  Better yet, Jesus could finally do what He came to do.

It had been forty days since Jesus rose from the dead.  He and the Disciples were gathered at the Mount of Olives, the same place where He was arrested.  One disciple asked Jesus if He would soon restore autonomy to Israel, and Jesus replied that such matters were none of their concern.  He then reminded them that they would soon be empowered by the Holy Spirit to take His message throughout the world.  Suddenly, Jesus began to rise from the ground and float into the sky, and then, as the Disciples were watching, He disappeared into the clouds.²

I cannot help but think that, as the Disciples stared into the clouds, one of them must have asked, "Now what?"

Now what? is a question familiar to all of us.  It is what we ask ourselves when what was is no longer what is and while we still don't know what will be.

Now what? is what I asked myself one Sunday evening in 2007 as I was taking a long walk at my alma mater.  As I sorted through my thoughts, I came to the realization that I felt a bit lost in life.  In the last few months, I had graduated with a bachelors degree in computer science and had landed my first full-time job as a software engineer.  Having completed both of the life goals my parents had set for me, I felt as though my life's work was complete, and I did not really know where my life was supposed to go from there.  I turned a page on the story that had been written for me, and I found a blank page staring back at me.

Now what? is not just a question we ask when we experience a change in life.  Now what? is sometimes what we ask when we blow it so royally that there is no point even pretending to be who we thought we were.

Now what? is what I suspect one of Jesus' disciples must have asked himself.  One evening, full of bravado he declared that he was ready to die for Jesus.  Just a few hours later, after Jesus had been arrested, he fearfully denied even knowing the man.³  His parents named him Simon, but, because of his great faith, Jesus started calling him Peter, meaning rock.⁴  Some rock he turned out to be!  What else was there to do but to tinder his resignation as a disciple and return to his former life as a fisherman?

Now what? is what I think Peter must have been thinking, because I too have felt like a total failure as a follower of Christ.  When my first full-time job proved to be somewhat less than fulfilling, I began to search for something more meaningful in life.  I started preaching because I wondered if I had a future in the ministry.  Then 2013 happened, and I was forced to confront parts of myself I would have been more than happy to keep on ignoring, things like arrogance, judgmentalism, and selfishness.  For years, I had lamented that people did not treat me as I thought they should have treated me, yet, when I found myself in their shoes, I didn't do much better.  I learned that I tend to bail out on people who I think want too much from me.  I figured that there was no point in thinking about the ministry if I didn't want to minister to people.

Now what? is the title of a sermon I delivered for the last two years on Ascension Sunday, the day we commemorate Jesus' ascension into Heaven.  I delivered this sermon to two congregations that were anticipating pastoral changes, hoping to offer some hope to people who might have felt uncertain about the future.  The latter congregation was my home church; the former was a sister congregation.⁵  This year, on Ascension Sunday, there is no church that requires my services.  Perhaps I need to preach to myself this time.

Now what? is a question that has returned to me lately amid recent changes in my life.  A year ago, I was a Sunday school teacher at my home church, and I was also part of a Bible study group at another church.  For some, it was merely a Bible study group, but, for me, it was a group of friends or maybe even a community.  By the time I left my home church, a number of core people had left the group, so leadership of the group fell into my lap.  Due to a lack of attendance, a lack of enthusiasm from within, and a lack of support from the church, the group eventually dissolved.  For a while, I attended church dinners, but, when I changed churches again, I ended up spending more time at my usual loitering places.  Now I'm starting to feel like I'm just spinning my wheels in life.

Now what? is what we ask when we find ourselves in the proverbial wilderness, far from anything familiar, trying to figure out who we are and where we belong in the world.

So what did I say in the past two years to people who may or may not have been asking, "Now what?"

As the Disciples stared at the clouds, into which the One they had been following had just vanished, two angels appeared to tell them to get their heads out of the clouds, so to speak.  The Disciples returned to where they were staying, and they selected a replacement for the disciple they had lost.  They had been told by Jesus that they would soon take His message throughout the world, but they were to stay where they were until they were "baptized with the Holy Spirit," whatever that meant.  As they waited in the threshold between discipleship and apostleship, unsure of what would happen next, they prayed.⁶

Like the Disciples, when we find ourselves asking, "Now what?" we must not stand around with our heads in the clouds, for there is always work to be done.  At one time, I was a Sunday school teacher and a leader in a Bible study group.  When I left my home church, I no longer needed to prepare Sunday school lessons, so I devoted more time to the group.  When the group dissolved, I ended up with a lot more time on my hands.  Blogging was something I once did as time allowed, but now I post something every week.  I've told myself that my blogging is a spiritual discipline, but maybe I'm just trying to keep myself occupied.  In either case, some important people in my life have encouraged me to keep writing, and that is what I intend to do.

Also, like the Disciples, when we find ourselves waiting, unsure of what comes next, we are invited so seek God's will in prayer.  Not too long ago, I realized that prayer was something I lacked.  Unfortunately, this is a habit that has yet to take root in my life.

As for Peter, his return to fishing did not go so well, for he and his friends spent a full night not catching fish.  When morning came, a man on the beach told them to try throwing their nets out from the other side of the boat.  They followed His instructions, and they were unable to haul in the catch of fish.  Jesus first called Peter to follow Him following a miraculous catch of fish, and Jesus called Peter back with the same miracle.  Three times Peter denied Jesus; three times Jesus asked Peter "Do you love me?" and three times Jesus said "Feed my sheep."⁷  Peter may have lost faith in himself as a follower of Christ, but Christ never lost faith in him.

When we fall down on our faces, all we can do is to get back on our feet, brush ourselves off, and keep going.  Failure is not an excuse to throw in the towel but is rather an opportunity to learn and to grow.  My own season of failure forced me to get honest about certain things, taught me some humility, and forced me to rethink what I should expect from myself and from others.  At times, we may be tempted to lose faith in ourselves, but God does not lose faith in us.

As I pondered the question Now what? in the last couple of years, I did not anticipate that I would someday be asking the question from the wilderness, nor did I think that the people at the churches where I spoke might be going through the wilderness themselves.  To anyone who is going through the wilderness like myself, I would paraphrase a certain country song: If you're going through the wilderness, keep on going.⁸  The wilderness experience can be a blessing in disguise, for it has a way of helping us to discover who we really are.  When we're stripped of everything, what's left is what really makes us up.

Now what? is a question that will eventually be answered, whether we ask it in a time of change, after a failure, or from the wilderness, so we must not give up.  That said, I conclude with the words I've shared in the last two years:
When we find ourselves stuck in the threshold between what was and what will be, unsure of what comes next, we must not keep our heads in the clouds.  Neither should we throw in the towel.  When you find yourself in this place, take a moment to remember the past, but don't forget that there is work to be done in the present.  Seek direction from God in prayer, and trust God to guide you into the future.


Notes:

1. Luke 24
2. Acts 1:6-9
3. John 13:36-38; John 18:15-18,25-27
4. Matthew 16:13-19
5. Welcome to the UMC.
6. Acts 1
7. John 21:1-19
8. See "If You're Going Through Hell" by Rodney Atkins.

The photograph of my feet was taken by me Furman University.