Introspection: Open My Eyes

I share these thoughts, hoping that they are of help to someone else.

Open My Eyes

Scripture:

Do you still not perceive or understand? Are your hearts hardened? Do you have eyes, and fail to see? Do you have ears, and fail to hear?

Mark 8:17-18 (NRSV)

I found God
On the corner of 1st and Amistad
Where the West
Was all but won
All alone
Smoking His last cigarette
I said, "Where You been?"
He said, "Ask anything."

From "You Found Me" by The Fray

Some days after work, I like to go to the local shopping mall. I walk around, visit the stores, and look at the other people. Sometimes I go to the food court to get an egg roll and a soda, but very rarely do I actually do any shopping. I've realized that my visits to the mall are less about shopping and more about clearing my head.

It was the week of Valentine's Day, and I saw a stand at the mall where people were selling balloons and other gifts. At this sight, I was hit with a rush of old familiar feelings. Valentine's Day has never been a particularly happy subject for me. In fact, my love life, or the lack thereof, has been a constant source of griping in my life.

I gripe and complain a lot. I used to complain about my height and my looks. When I was in school, I complained about the rules. I have always complained about my chronic state of being single. My major gripe lately has been my career choice. At the mall that day, I imagined what it would be like to confront God with my complaints once my life in this world is over. Then I came to a realization. While I cannot truly speak for God in this area, I believe that I know what the exchange would sound like.

First I ask God, "Why didn't You show me which career path to take? Why couldn't I find work I was happy doing?"

God replies, "You knew what you really wanted to do the whole time. You knew what I was calling you to do, so why didn't you do it?"

Then I ask God, "Why couldn't I find love?"

God responds with the name of a woman I knew, asking, "What about her? She loved you! Why did you ignore her?"

As I imagined that conversation with God, I began to wonder if it was true that everything I ever really wanted or needed has been right in front of me the whole time. Have I been asking "Why me?" while completely ignoring the answers I was truly seeking? Have I been too busy complaining to see that I really have nothing to complain about? Am I like Christ's disciples, having eyes but not seeing and having ears but not hearing? Have I hardened my heart and become blind and deaf by my own accord?

Perhaps what I need the most right now is enlightenment. Like King Solomon, I must pray for wisdom. I must ask God for the discernment to find his will for my life and for open eyes, open ears, an open mind, and a tender heart that I might see the abundant life He has already given me.