Introspection: Adapt or Amputate

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.

Adapt or Amputate

Scripture:

If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

Matthew 5:29-30 (TNIV)

My dead heart now is beating
My deepest stains now clean
Your breath fills up my lungs
Now I'm free. Now I'm free!

Into marvelous light I'm running
Out of darkness, out of shame
By the cross You are the Truth
You are the Life; You are the Way

From "Marvelous Light" by Charlie Hall

Earlier this year, if you asked me about my job, I would probably answer you with something vague. Some answers I would give people who asked me were, "I'm a computer programmer," or "I work at a small company in town," or "I do C programming." These statements were all true, but they fell short of telling people what they really wanted to know about me. Even in my past writings I only admitted to working in a shady industry.

The fact of the matter is that I was ashamed of my job because I worked in the gambling industry for a company that manufactured slot machines and video poker machines. I helped write the software on which the machines operate.

Even before I started working at this company, I was afraid of what people would think. The United Methodist Church, of which I am a member, takes a rather strong stance against gambling. What would the people at church would think? What would my Christian friends think about my working on machines on which people waste hundreds of dollars at a time while letting their families go without?

I told some people about my job, usually stating that that it was not something I wanted to do my whole life. I could tell by the reactions of some that they thought my job was uncool. Others thought it was interesting. Some said that I should just be thankful that I had a job. A few wanted me to tell them how to beat the machines my company produced. ¹

There is a tendency in our society for people, men especially, to define themselves by the work they do. I fell into this trap, and, because I was ashamed of my job, shame became a driving force in my life. To cope, I tried to compartmentalize my life. I wanted to keep my job in a little box that was only opened from 8:30am to 5:00pm every day, completely separated from the rest of my life.

The results were ugly. I exhibited strange behavior and developed a bad attitude. I wore certain clothes to work and changed clothes immediately after I came home. I ate the same thing every day. When work started to seep into the rest of my life, like water through a crack in a dam, I became irritable. The idea of working overtime angered me. I hated for my supervisor to call me on my cell phone, especially after hours.

After about a year of working for this company, the dam broke. I found myself in a crunch that caused me to have to work a good deal of overtime over the course of a week. I had lived for the weekend, and now even that could be taken from me. I developed a silent animosity for my superiors at work.

After this crunch situation was over, I decided that I needed to get out of this job. I wanted to quit, but I was afraid that I would have trouble finding another job afterward. I could have tried looking for another job, but I wasn't sure if another programming job would be any better. I lamented majoring in computer science and considered changing careers, but I was not sure if that was my calling. I simply did not know what to do, so I started praying. Every morning, I prayed that God would call me away from my job.

After nearly a year of praying and soul searching, God answered my prayers. My company consolidated offices and moved out of state, giving me a valid reason to leave my job. The source of my shame was gone, but being unemployed did not make me feel much better about myself. As I looked for another job, I decided that I needed something I could take pride in, something to which I could dedicate myself. I decided to put my faith in God to lead me to where I needed to go, and God blessed me with a new job as a programmer at a local technical college.

In the weeks after I was hired, my whole outlook on life changed. I was back among the living. I became more sociable and got out of my house more often. I even started to enjoy programming again. For the first time in years, I was high on life. At this time, I realized how much my life was truly crippled by shame.

To you, the reader, I urge you to do what you must to get shame out of your life. Shame is an obstacle that keeps us from living life to the fullest. Shame is a roadblock that separates us from the abundant life that God intends for us.

Perhaps you are ashamed of something that you cannot change. In this case, adapt. First, come to terms with this thing and accept it as a reality. Once you have done that, learn to live with it as best as you can. If you are, for example, dealing with a physical problem, accept yourself for who you are, but do not think that your problem is what defines you. Seek out others who are living with the same problem and see what they do to rise above their situation.

Perhaps the thing causing you shame is something that you know is wrong in your life. Maybe it is, for example, a sin or an addiction. If this is the case, amputate. Cut it out of your life like a gangrenous limb. No matter how attached you are to this thing, it would be far better for you to lose this one part of your life than to put yourself through a living hell. Get rid of it, but do not live with a gaping hole in your life. Replace the thing that breaks you down and brings you shame with something that builds you up and makes you a better person.

Maybe you are in a situation where you simply do not know what to do about the source of your shame. Perhaps you don't know whether you need to adapt or to amputate, and you feel like your back is against the wall. If this describes your situation, pray to God for guidance and seek help. There are some problems in this life that we simply cannot handle on our own, but, thankfully, God never expected us to face life by ourselves. If we place our hands in His, He will lead us our of our shame.

Christ came to Earth so that we might have life and experience it abundantly. ² This includes a lot of things, but it does not include shame. May God guide you out of the darkness of guilt and shame and lead you into the light of abundant life.


Notes:
1 - Here and now I reveal the secret to beating slot machines and poker machines: don't play them! The house always wins.
2 - John 10:10b

Introspection: There Is No I in Christ

I share these thoughts, hoping they are of help to someone else.


There Is No I in Christ

Scripture:

For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. For in the one Spirit we are all baptized into one body... and we were all made to drink of one Spirit.

1 Corinthians 12:12-13

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing You praise
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

My heart and my soul
I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

From "From the Inside Out" by Hillsong United

Last month, as I anticipated starting my new job, I spent a couple of days doing some volunteer work. The college ministry with which I am involved held its fall break mission project at a nearby boys' home, so I was privileged to join some of my college-age friends in doing some odd jobs around the place.

When we arrived the first day, I saw two other friends who, knowing that I work work with computers, asked me to help them with a problem they were having with home's computer network. For part of the time, instead of working with my college friends as I had expected, I left them behind to join another friend in running tests, trying to diagnose the network problems. We were not able to resolve the problem in those two days, but we did discover some important clues.

I enjoy doing volunteer work, but this experience made me realize that I have a great deal to learn about presenting myself as a "living sacrifice" to God. The truth is that I had my own agenda. Traditionally, service work has been an opportunity for me to get away from computers. With a field that requires me to rack my brain figuring out problems, manual labor can be theraputic. Instead of working on computers, I wanted to spend these two days doing grunt work with my friends in the group. It was not a sinister agenda, but it was still an agenda.

In the First Epistle to the Corinthians, St. Paul calls all followers of Jesus Christ collectively the "Body of Christ." What he means by this is that, like the parts of the body, each follower has a different purpose in the ministry of Christ. Though we all don't have the same gifts, we all have something to bring to the table. No one person's place in the body is any less important than anyone else's, so we shouldn't envy the gifts of others but do the best to cultivate our own. ¹

We Christians are all part of something far greater than ourselves, so sometimes our own wants and needs must be put aside so that the Body can function better as a whole. As Christians, we are called to die to ourselves and live for God's purposes. Our lives should echo the words of John the Baptist, "He [Christ] must increase, but I must decrease." ²

Though I wanted to be the hands that did the cleaning, painting, and organizing, for part of the time, I was called to be the hands that serviced the computers in one of the classrooms. Of course, this was only part of the time. I still got to do the other things with the group, and I even got to go to dinner with them at the end of the day. Even though working on the computers was not something I really wanted to do that day, I am glad that I got to use my gifts for God. I am also thankful that God used this time to teach me this important lesson.


Notes:
1 - I Corinthians 12:12-31
2 - John 3:30

Introspection: I Kissed Hopelessness Goodbye

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.

I Kissed Hopelessness Goodbye

Scripture:

Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He's the one who will keep you on track.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (The Message)

What sad memory of yesterday
What terrible scar
Keeps you gathering the pieces of
Your shattered heart?
There was once upon a time
When hope was living within
I know there will come a time
When you can believe again

From "Like I Love You" by Amy Grant

In the past few months, God has led me out of a bad situation, through a time of uncertainty, and into something better. The thing in my life for which I was tearing myself apart inside is now gone. The weight on my heart and on my conscience has been lifted. Without this problem consuming my thoughts, I feel as though I am back among the living, and I am able to focus on other things.

In the past I had a tendency to keep to myself, but in the past few weeks I have found myself desiring to be around people. Lately, I have been spending a lot of my "alone time" in places where there are people. For example, it is not uncommon for me to go to the bookstore or some other place late at night. In fact, at the time I finished writing this, I was eating lunch downtown, using the free WI-FI. I think that the reason for this is partially having the aforementioned weight lifted from my heart as well as another factor in my life: my loneliness.

One day after work last week, I went to many of the different places I frequent until I found myself, once again, at the shopping mall, where I oddly seem to have a lot of epiphanies. As I walked though the mall I found myself preoccupied with one aspect of my loneliness that has troubled me a great deal in the past.

Once upon a time, I aspired to fall in love and to get married. Having had my heart handed back to me a few times in the past, I had become jaded. In the past few years, I have been trying to come to terms with the possibility that I may be facing a life without a mate.

I have noticed that there is a tendency in this world for a person to put too much importance on his or her own marital or relationship status when it is really not the most important thing in life. Though I often fall into this trap, I know that I can live a meaningful, fulfilling life without a woman. St. Paul once noted that marriage can divide one's attention between serving God and serving one's spouse. ¹ People who are unmarried are freed up to devote their lives to doing great things for God. ² Perhaps a wife or a girlfriend was not something God wanted for my life.

Reminding myself of the benefits of being single had brought me some comfort, but the desire for companionship remained.

As I walked through the mall and perused the stores, I contemplated my problem. What went wrong? Was I still brooding over the wounds that I received back in high school? Did I give up on love after my first broken heart? Is the problem, perhaps, much deeper than that? In my insecurity, did I give up on love before I even began seeking it out? ³

I went the tea store where I ordered my new favorite drink, a green tea frappe. I took my drink back to the food court and sat down. Shortly afterward, a young woman sat down at the table in front of me with a bag from Chick-fil-A and began eating dinner alone. As I watched her eat, I began to wonder if she felt the same way I did. Was she too at the mall because she was feeling lonely, desiring to be around other people?

I wanted to speak to her, but I am terrible in these situations. In my insecurity, I often feel as though I need to put on some sort of act around women. I feel like I have to act cool when, in reality, I'm not. As a result, I come across as fake, weird, or even creepy. I knew that if I were to approach her, I had to be myself, completely open and vulnerable, but I did not know what to say. I was tongue-tied. I was at the point of asking God to give me something to say to her.

The problem with frozen drinks is that when they run low they are hard to drink through a straw because the ice sticks together. One remedy of this problem is to shake the drink. Unfortunately, when I shook my frappe, there was still some green tea at the top of the straw which flung out onto the sleeve of my jacket and onto the table. As I tried to clean up my mess with my bare fingers, inspiration stuck. I walked up to the woman in front of me and said...

"Do you have a napkin I can borrow?"

I had broken the ice! She gladly gave me a napkin, and, thankful, I went back to my table to finish cleaning up the mess. Nothing else was said between the young woman and myself. She finished her dinner and left the food court, and I too decided it was time to head home.

I believe that this incident was an immediate answer to prayer. God had given me a way to break the ice when I was unable to find the words to do so. By not continuing the conversation, perhaps I passed up the chance to make a new friend or even to meet my soul mate. Maybe it was not meant to be. I do not understand what God's intentions were, but, if nothing else, I feel as though God was saying to me, "I am with you in this too." I laughed as I walked back to my car. I knew that God was my Creator, my Redeemer, and my Sustainer, but my dating coach?

God cares about all parts of my life, even those I so bitterly trivialize. Perhaps it is time for me to reclaim the hope that I will someday fall in love and be loved in return. I realize that I need to work on certain things for this to happen, though. I need to let go of the bitterness of heartaches in the past. I have to take off the mask and burn down the facade, opening myself to others so that they can see the real me. Most of all, I need to rely on God to strengthen me to do the things I cannot do on my own.


Notes:
1 - 1 Corinthians 7:32-35
2 - Dave Rhodes, "Interrogative: Is it Lawful for a Man to Divorce His Wife?", Wayfarer/Engage
3 - I hate using the word love in this context. In our culture, we tend to lump a lot of different things under the word love, unlike the Greeks who have language to categorize these things (philo, eros, agape, etc.). While I have not known the love of a wife or a girlfriend, when it comes to fraternal love, familial love, and God's love, I consider myself blessed.