Introspection: Through My Glasses, Darkly

I share these thoughts, hoping they are of help to someone else.

Through My Glasses, Darkly

Scripture:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (TNIV)

Give me a revelation
Show me what to do
'Cause I've been trying to find my way
I haven't got a clue
Tell me, should I stay here
Or do I need to move?
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You

From "Revelation" by Third Day

Last weekend I went with some of my college-aged friends on a little excursion to Pisgah National Forest. One of the things that draws visitors to this place is a waterfall called "Sliding Rock." This waterfall's gentle slope and pool at the bottom make it a naturally-occurring water slide. At first I was not going to join my friends in sliding down this rock, but, at the last minute, I changed my mind. Unfortunately, in the excitement of the whole experience, I neglected to take off my glasses, and I lost them when I hit the pool.

At first, I was not too worried about losing my glasses. They were over six years old; the lenses were chipped; and the frame was bent. They set crookedly on my face and sometimes fell off when I looked down. I had been planning to buy new glasses for nearly a year, but indecisiveness in selecting a frame had caused me to put it off. I shrugged it off as a minor setback: I did not even search for them. Besides, I did not want to be "that guy who holds up the line because he lost something." I would wear old glasses until I could get a copy of my prescription and then buy new glasses at the mall.

I had forgotten that I depend on my glasses to see. The only old glasses I could still wear were ones I used back in high school, and my eyes had changed so much since then that, when I wore them, things still appeared fuzzy at a slight distance. It was hard to read things from a distance, so I would still need to squint. Straining my eyes gave me headaches, and the blurry vision made me feel as though I was in a constant haze. Perhaps the worst part was not being able to see people's faces from a distance. My blurry vision put me in a bad mood.

Five days later, I finally got my new glasses, and they made a world of difference for me. I was able to see so much better than I had become accustomed. It was almost overwhelming. Everything I saw seemed so clear and beautiful. I had never realized how much I took my vision for granted.

The whole incident made me think about the bigger picture. Many things in my life are not as I want them to be. Just as I spent several days unable to see clearly, I feel as though I am still trying to navigate my whole life with blurry vision. I have already realized that I need to ask God to open my eyes and to show me His will for my life. Despite this revelation, I think that I am still trying to squint my way through life. What is holding me back from turning my whole life over to God?

I recently told my pastor that I think I am struggling with functional atheism. A functional atheist is a person who believes in God, but lives and acts as if God is not really there or as if he or she does not really need God. Why do I content myself with repeatedly failing and cursing my weaknesses when God wants to give me strength? Why do I continue to bear the burden of worry when God invites me to cast all of my anxiety on Him?¹ Why do I lament all the things that I dislike about my life when I could make things lot easier on myself and simply turn these things over to God?

I think that it takes a number of things to truly turn one's life over to God. First, it takes humility.² As my pastor pointed out to me, we need to accept the fact that we are indeed broken. We also need to be honest and admit that we cannot fix ourselves. We then need to open ourselves up to help from God and from the people through whom God wants to help us. Second, letting God direct our lives requires surrender.³ Sometimes we have to put our own desires aside for the greater good of God's will. What we want is not always what is best, but God always wants what is best for everyone. Third, we need patience.⁴ People want instant gratification, but God does not operate on anyone's schedule. He knows what is best for us, and gives us what is best in His own time.⁵

Perhaps I am lacking in these things. Maybe I do not want to admit to myself that I am broken and that I cannot fix myself. Perhaps I am afraid that God's will for my life will not be what I want it to be. Maybe I am afraid that God's will might be difficult or painful. Maybe I just do not want to wait for God to fix me.

I need to loosen my grip on my own life and truly turn it over to God so that He can do His will with it. I need to ask God for the humility to admit that I cannot do everything on my own. I need to ask God to help me to surrender my own desires to His perfect will. I need to ask God for the patience to wait for Him to act in His own time. I need to give up my own blindness and to accept the beautiful, abundant life that God has in store for me.


1 - 1 Peter 5:7
2 - James 4:10
3 - Proverbs 3:5-6
4 - Isaiah 40:31
5 - I am not saying that these are the only things that are needed to follow God's will. These are just some of them.


If you have any feedback, thoughts, stories, or even arguments to contribute, please leave comments.

Introspection: Signed, Sealed, and Delivered

I share these thoughts, hoping they are of help to someone else.


Signed, Sealed, and Delivered

Scripture:

It's in Christ that you, once you heard the truth and believed it (this Message of your salvation), found yourselves home free - signed, sealed, and delivered by the Holy Spirit. This signet from God is the first installment on what's coming, a reminder that we'll get everything God has planned for us, a praising and glorious life.

Ephesians 1:13-14 (The Message)

I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved

From "I Will Not Be Moved" by Natalie Grant

Not long ago, a fellow Sunday School teacher at my church asked me to deliver the lesson on a particular date. Having looked ahead in the Sunday School book, I asked if I could teach the lesson for the Sunday afterward. The lesson he asked me to teach was about giving of oneself, and I did not feel as though I was the best person to teach on that subject. Case in point, I find myself becoming irritable when people ask me to fix their computers for them. After sitting in front of a computer for nine hours at work, fixing computers is the last thing I want to do afterward. At the same time, I know that my attitude is wrong. I possess skills that others do not, and I know that I should use those skills to help people.

I am a man who has many faults, and probably a majority of those faults are related to my attitude. One fault is my tendency to be overly critical of myself. Recently, this caused me to go through a difficult time marked with discouragement and self-doubt. I felt as though I was constantly brought face-to-face with my own hypocrisy. I felt like my life consisted of one mistake after another. I had St. Paul's dilemma of doing what I should not do and not doing what I should do.¹ I just could not seem to escape from my faults, and I started becoming really sick of myself and my attitude.

Times like this become worse when someone feels the need to point out one of my faults to me. It overwhelms me because I am already pointing out my own faults to myself. When someone does decide to call me on one of my shortcomings, I usually have a dual reaction: part of me (wrongly) wants to beat myself up because the other person is probably right, while part of me (wrongly) wants to lash out at the other person for making me feel worse about myself. Of course, I know that being angry with the other person is also the wrong attitude to have, so further down the spiral I go.

And yet with all of these faults, I have the audacity to think that I am somehow called to proclaim God's message to people through my blog and through my Sunday School lessons. Sometimes I feel as though I should leave this duty to those who do a better job of practicing what they preach, to those who really live and act like Christians. One night a few months ago, I got into an argument and completely lost my cool. To make matters worse, I was supposed to teach Sunday School a few days later. Ashamed of myself, I asked my mother how I was supposed to teach after "losing my religion," so to speak. She replied, "The same way you always do."

I recently realized that I don't study the Bible enough for myself: most of my studies lately have been in group Bible studies or in preparation for my lessons. I have started reading the Letter to the Ephesians and recording my thoughts. One evening a few weeks ago, I sat down to read my Bible, though at the time I felt as though it was pretty much pointless since I would probably never change my ways. I am glad that I decided to go ahead and read, because God gave me exactly what I needed to read at the time. That evening, the following words caught my attention:
In Him [Christ] you also, when you had heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and had believed in Him, were marked with the seal of the promised Holy Spirit; this is the pledge of our inheritance toward redemption as God's own people, to the praise of His glory.²

I may have a lot of faults, but God has a lot of grace.

A few years ago, I needed to get a form notarized. Fortunately, a friend of a friend was a notary public. When I met with her, she used a contraption to imprint a seal into the form. Similarly, ancient kings would use their signet rings to put seals on documents to make them official. In the Bible verses above, St. Paul compares the Holy Spirit to such a seal. He states that the presence of the Holy Spirit in a person's life shows that the person's redemption - forgiveness and reconciliation with God - is official.³

There are times when I don't do what I should do, and there are times when I do what I shouldn't do. There are even times when I lose my cool completely. Even so, God does not give up on me, even when I am tempted to give up on myself. Despite my faults, God's Spirit is still working in my heart to make me into the person I need to be, and God's Spirit is still working through me, providing me with messages to share with others. This "seal" in my life reminds me that my redemption is assured. God will deal with all of my faults in time and bring me closer to Him in the process.

If we trust in God, He will see us through tough times and help us to overcome our faults. God does not give up on us, so we must not give up on ourselves.


1 - Romans 7:14-15
2 - Ephesians 1:13-14 (NRSV)
3 - Wesley Study Bible: notes on Ephesians 1:3-14


If you have any feedback, thoughts, stories, or even arguments to contribute, please leave comments.