Introspection: God's Gift to Someone

I share these thoughts, hoping they are of help to someone else.


God's Gift to Someone

Scripture:

I will instruct you and teach you about the direction you should go. I'll advise you and keep My eye on you.

Psalm 32:8 (CEB)

Don’t know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace

Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need, You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

From "Beautiful, Beautiful" by Francesca Battistelli

If you couldn't tell from my writing, the last six months have been an emotional time for me, to say the least. During this time, I have felt God working within me, bringing about some much-needed healing, forgiveness, and change in my life.

At some point within the last few years, I said something to the extent of the following: "I've been a bad son, a bad grandson, a bad friend, a bad student, a bad employee, and a bad Christian. If only I could meet the right woman, I could be a bad boyfriend and maybe even a bad husband and a bad father." I admit that I have a tendency to be melodramatic, particularly when I am feeling discouraged, but this statement speaks volumes about my self-image and my negativity. In my mind, I saw myself as a failure, and I had low expectations for the future, particularly in regards to finding love and starting a family.

If you read my blog during October of last year, you might have noticed that I wrote a lot about love and companionship. The reason for this is that, at the time, I had developed a crush on a young woman I know. While it is not uncommon for me to be attracted to the women I know, this was an extreme case. There were times I had trouble getting this woman off my mind. It felt both good and painful at the same time.

Given my very broken self-image, a relationship with this woman just didn't seem realistic. I saw myself as inadequate, undesirable, and unlovable; I felt as though no woman in her right mind would ever want me. My situation seemed desperate, but I remembered another desperate situation I faced in the past. When I was stuck in a miserable job situation, I began praying, and God delivered me from it. My unfulfilled desire for companionship had been an ever-present thorn in my mind, but I had never really put the matter into God's hands. I began praying that God would lead me to a girlfriend, if not to the woman on my mind, then to someone else He would choose for me. Basically, I was praying for a miracle.

I am convinced that God has heard my prayers. Though I do not yet have a girlfriend, I believe that, as a direct result of my prayers, God has begun working in my life in a new way. As the great theologian Mick Jagger wrote:

You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes, well you just might find
You get what you need

I think that this chorus applies to prayer. When we pray, God might not give us exactly what we want, but He will give us exactly what we need. When I began praying for a girlfriend, I feel as though God rolled up His sleeves said, "If you want a companion, then we have some work to do." If God had simply given me what I asked, my snarky comment about myself could have become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

One evening, shortly after I started praying for a companion, I caught myself thinking resentful thoughts over something that happened over ten years ago, something that I had let shape my self-image. Halfheartedly, I asked God to help me to forgive the person who hurt me. That night, God led me to a book called Healing for Damaged Emotions.¹ This book brought me face-to-face with my brokenness: namely my resentment, my low self-esteem, and my perfectionism. The things I learned from this book helped me to dig beneath my anger and my resentment and to work through the hurt I was holding inside.

God was putting me through a process of healing that brought some much-needed forgiveness and reconciliation into my life. One evening, I decided that I didn't want to be angry or resentful toward people any more, even when they hurt me. I then remembered the person who hurt me long ago and thought about what I would want to say to her. The next day I decided to clear the air with her and to apologize for the grudge I held against her. Finally, I was able to put the past in the past.

On Thanksgiving Day last year, I cleaned up the living room while my mother cooked dinner. As I cleaned, I saw a stain on the carpet where I had spilled a soda and a mildewed spot on the coffee table where I had been setting my drinks. Being the perfectionist I am, I became discouraged with myself and yelled out, in my signature melodramatic fashion, "Everywhere I look I find another reason to hate myself." The last thing my mom needed at that time was an argument, but she is not the type of person who can remain silent when I start beating myself up. We began to argue, and eventually I said that all I ever do is to make her miserable. My mother told me that I was wrong and that most of the time I actually make her happy.

I desperately needed to hear that from her. The truth is that I had been viewing myself as a curse to others. I had felt as though there was nothing I could do but to make other people upset, uncomfortable, or miserable with my presence. Sometimes I even felt as though everyone would be better off if I wasn't around. Knowing that I actually made my mother happy shook my damaged perceptions of myself. Maybe I was completely wrong about myself.

I am a man of many faults. It is a lot easier for me to see my own faults than the faults of others, so I end up seeing myself as a bad person by comparison. Furthermore, being a perfectionist causes me to be constantly aware of my faults, and sometimes it causes me see faults I don't even really have. The truth is that we should not take our self-image from our faults or from comparing ourselves to others. We should look at ourselves as God looks at us. God looks past our faults and our shortcomings and sees our potential. God sees the people He created us to be. Why else would God call so many seemingly messed-up people to do great things?²

Maybe other people can see more to me than my faults and my shortcomings. Maybe other people don't put the same unrealistically high expectations on me that I put on myself. Maybe I can be open and honest about my brokenness and still be loved in spite of it. After all, I am not the only person in this world who has faults, and I am not the only person in this world who is broken. These things are true of each of us.

Historically, Valentine's Day has not exactly been my favorite holiday, but this year I made the decision not to spend the day feeling sorry for myself. I learned a long time ago that I am not, as the saying goes, "God's gift to women." Even so, I now realize that I am God's gift to someone. My mother always prays that she'll be a blessing to others. Essentially, a blessing is what each of us is called to be. Collectively, the followers of Christ are called the Body of Christ.³ This means that Christ continues to bless the world through His followers. In this way, I am called to be God's gift to other people. Maybe I am even called to be a blessing to someone in particular through my lifelong companionship.

No matter what faults you have, no matter what mistakes you have made, no matter how discouraged you feel, please realize that God sees past your faults and your shortcomings to the person He created you to be. Realize that you were created to be God's gift to other people. If you are unable to believe this about yourself, then I beg you to let Christ into your heart to bring healing into your life.


Notes:
1 - David A. Seamands. Healing for Damaged Emotions. 1981, David C. Cook.
I have referenced this book numerous times in my blog posts these last few months. This book is honestly one of the most wonderful books I have ever read. I strongly encourage you to read it, even if you don't think you have damaged emotions.
2 - Look at the stories of Gideon, King David, Jonah, St. Peter, and St. Paul for starters.
3 - "We have many parts in one body, but the parts don’t all have the same function. In the same way, though there are many of us, we are one body in Christ, and individually we belong to each other." ~ Roman 12:4-5 (CEB)


If you have any feedback, thoughts, stories, or even arguments to contribute, please leave comments.