Introspection: A Legion of Voices

I share these thoughts, hoping they are of help to someone else.

A Legion of Voices

Scripture:

A man in the synagogue had the spirit of an unclean demon. He screamed, "Hey! What have You to do with us, Jesus of Nazareth? Have You come to destroy us? I know who You are. You are the holy one from God."

"Silence!" Jesus said, speaking harshly to the demon. "Come out of him!" The demon threw the man down before them, then came out of him without harming him.

They were all shaken and said to each other, "What kind of word is this, that He can command unclean spirits with authority and power, and they leave?" Reports about Him spread everywhere in the surrounding region.

Luke 4:33-37 (CEB)

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am

From "I Need You to Love Me" by BarlowGirl

I have this one extremely vague, hazy memory from my early childhood, from back when I was in either my "terrible twos" or my "terrible threes." I remember being in the church nursery with my grandmother one Sunday morning, and for some reason I was very upset. I was upset enough to run around the nursery, screaming, crying, and banging my head. I am now in my "terrible twenties," and I regret to inform you that very little has changed about me.

I don't remember what was stressing me out that day I threw the tantrum in the church nursery, but one recent source of stress for me has been minor, recurring digestion issues. I'll spare you the details, but I have found myself becoming extremely upset and even angry when these problems occur. Wondering if I should see a gastroenterologist, I explained my problems with a friend. As I described the symptoms, I realized that the issues are actually more annoying than debilitating, and I began to wonder if they might be brought on by stress. One clue is that I usually don't experience these problems on Saturday, the day I am under the least amount of stress.

I am beginning to see the utter stranglehold stress has on my life. To call me a tense person would be an understatement. I think that I would be better described as an unhealthy, tangled mass of nerves. Sadly, a vast majority of my stress - I estimate around 97.85 percent - is actually self-inflicted. My digestion problems appear to be brought on or exacerbated by stress, and then my digestion problems only serve to add to my stress.

Another source of stress for me is the negativity that runs rampant inside my mind. Craig Groeschel, in his book Dare to Drop the Pose, explains the "What-if Game." The first rule is, "You're only allowed to think of worst-case scenarios." The second is, "You're never allowed to win this game. You can only lose." The third is, "The more you play, the greater your losses."¹

I tend to play the "What-if Game" with the people in my life. In my head, I predetermine people's reactions to what I say or do, and the reactions are always extremely hypercritical. I put words in people's mouths based on my own perfectionism and broken self-image. Sometimes, when I send emails to people, I second-guess my wording, assuming the recipient will misinterpret something I wrote and leap to the wrong conclusion. In the worst of cases, I plan out entire arguments. Of course, these misunderstandings and arguments hardly ever happen.

There have been a few instances when I have made some very minor faux pas at church on Sunday morning - so insignificant that I cannot even provide an example. My mother's place in the choir loft is in a position where she can easily see me in my normal seat, so I assume that after church she is going to get on my case about my mistake. Throughout the service, I rehearse an argument with her in my head. I mention my mistake to her, and it turns out that she didn't notice - or even care for that matter. By that time, though, I am already angry with my poor mother, so I pick an argument with her anyway!

In the past, I have said that I have "voices in my head." By this, I am referring to my own toxic inner dialogue along with these imagined criticisms from other people. I imagine my parents' voices constantly pointing all my faults. I hear the voices of women I admire telling me that I am not good enough for them. I hear the voices of people I support at work complain about me to my superiors, and I hear the voices of my superiors scold me. Worst of all, I hear my own voice telling me that I am completely worthless and unredeemable. It is as if I have a legion of voices in my head, and none of them have anything nice to say about me.

Jesus once met a man who had a legion of problems.

One day, Jesus and His disciples find themselves in a foreign land where they are met by a demon-possessed man. This man makes it a habit to spend all of his time in graveyards, screaming and cutting himself. People try to chain him up, but he always breaks through the chains. When he sees Jesus, he throws himself to the ground begging for mercy. When Jesus asks the demonic presence within him it's name, it replies, "Legion is my name, for we are many." The demons begin to bargain with Jesus, asking to be cast into a herd of pigs. Jesus grants their request, and immediately the herd jumps into the Sea of Galilee and drowns. Two thousand pigs are lost, but the once-possessed man is given back his peace of mind.²

At work last week, I was on the phone with a woman, trying to help her to deal with a computer problem. This problem had persisted for a couple of days, and I had run out of ideas for how to fix it. A co-worker of mine just happened to be in her area, so she asked him for help. A few minutes later, he called me to explain the situation. With all my frustration and irritability, I barked, "I know! I've been trying to help all day!" My co-worker then told me to not be mean because I was on speakerphone. The woman heard what I said.

I wasn't trying to be mean or rude, and I had no fault with the woman I was trying to help. I was only frustrated. The voices started speaking again as I began another losing session of the "What-if Game." The woman would tell her supervisor about my rudeness. She and her supervisor would then complain to my supervisors, and then my supervisors would then see the need to school me on proper customer service. I sent the woman an email saying that I wasn't trying to be mean. She replied, "I know you were not being mean. I don’t think that you have a mean bone in your body."

In all honesty, the woman's assessment of my character wasn't completely accurate, because I know I have been mean to people in the past. To her, though, I had proven myself to be a generally nice person. With an extremely broken self-image, I sometimes need an outside voice to clear things up for me. I feel as though this was a "God moment," because, when I read the woman's email, the voices stopped. I closed the door to my office and started crying.

The demon of negativity sinks its claws into many people, followers of Christ included. In my case, negativity toward myself is manifested in a legion of voices, but Christ speaks back to the voices. The legion of voices tells me that I am worthless and unredeemable. Christ says, "Silence!" The legion of voices tries to bring me down. Christ says, "Come out of him!"

A friend of mine once told me about self-compassion. Self-compassion is the idea that a person should extend to himself the same compassion he would extend to others. I believe that this is indeed a Biblical principle. Jesus said that the second greatest commandment is, "You must love your neighbor as you love yourself."³ You cannot properly fulfill this commandment if you do not first love yourself. I would not consider it acceptable for other people put themselves down, so why is it acceptable for me to put myself down? Last month, I even wrote a perspective about accepting others just as they are.⁴ Why should I not extend this same mercy to myself?

It is important for us to be honest about our faults, but it is also important for us to recognize what is good about us as well. Jesus had some sharp criticisms for the people of His day, especially for the extremely religious, but He also commended people for their good qualities. To one wise religious scholar, He said, "You aren’t far from God’s kingdom."⁵ To several who sought healing, He commended their faith saying, "Your faith has healed you."⁶ It is not prideful to be honest about your own good qualities.

I know that my war against the "voices in my head" isn't over, but this victory against the voices has reminded me that I am more than my faults. I post this here as a reminder to myself and as an encouragement to anyone else haunted by the demons of negativity and low self-esteem. If you struggle with such things, remember that God sees more in you than your faults. God sees your good qualities and your great potential as well. You need to be honest with yourself, and you need to see these things in yourself as well.

Notes:
1 - Craig Groeschel. Dare to Drop the Pose: Ten Things Christians Think but Are Afraid to Say. 2010, Multnomah Books. pp. 107-108
2 - For the story of the Gerasene Demoniac in its entirety, see Mark 5:1-20.
3 - Matthew 22:39 (CEB)
4 - See my perspective "Being Real."
5 - Luke 12:34 (CEB)
6 - See Mark 5:34, Mark 10:52, and Luke 17:19 for examples (CEB quoted)

The pictures featured in this introspection are of myself.


If you have any feedback, thoughts, stories, or even arguments to contribute, please leave comments.

Sermon: Redefining Possible

Delivered at Bethel United Methodist Church on August 7, 2011.
I share these thoughts, hoping they are of help to someone else.

Redefining Possible

Scripture:

Immediately He made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead to the other side, while He dismissed the crowds. And after He had dismissed the crowds, He went up the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, He was there alone, but by this time the boat, battered by the waves, was far from the land, for the wind was against them. And early in the morning He came walking toward them on the sea. But when the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were terrified, saying, "It is a ghost!" And they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them and said, "Take heart, it is I; do not be afraid."

Peter answered Him, "Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water." He said, "Come." So Peter got out of the boat, started walking on the water, and came toward Jesus. But when he noticed the strong wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, He cried out, "Lord, save me!" Jesus immediately reached out His hand and caught him, saying to him, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?" When they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped Him, saying, "Truly You are the Son of God."

Matthew 14:22-33 (NRSV)

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water, but it'll be alright

Life is so much more than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way if you keep believing

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

From "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless

A few years ago, I went with some of my friends from Furman University to a short retreat at Asbury Hills, a nearby Methodist camp. During this brief getaway, we tackled a low ropes course. One of the challenges on this course consisted of a series of tightrope wires attached to trees. Our objective was to help each other to walk the ropes from the starting point to the end. Whoever fell off the ropes or put a foot on the ground had to start back at the beginning. While attempting to walk a rope from one tree to another, I made an important observation: if you try to walk a tightrope and begin doubting yourself, you will fall.

Nearly two thousand years ago, a man named Simon Peter learned a very similar lesson.

Jesus has just fed thousands of people with only five loaves of bread and two fish while somehow managing to leave twelve baskets of leftovers. Earlier that day, Jesus heard about the death of His cousin John and had wanted some time alone when He was met by a large crowd, an occurrence that happened to Him quite often.¹ After ministering to the crowd, He still wants some time to Himself, so He tells His disciples to go on ahead of Him back across the Sea of Galilee while He dismisses the crowd. He dismisses the crowd and withdraws to a private place in the mountains to pray.

Early the next morning, the disciples are still in the boat, struggling against some very turbulent waters. Suddenly, in the distance, they see what appears to be a man walking on the water. The disciples know that it is impossible for human beings to walk on water, so they come to the only logical conclusion: it's a ghost. What they don't realize is that this "ghost" is actually their Rabbi. Jesus, seeing His disciples scared to death, calls out, "Take heart, it is I; do not be afraid."

By now, nothing should surprise the disciples. They had just seen Jesus make a sumptuous banquet for thousands of people out of a sack lunch. Before this, they had seen Jesus heal many who were sick and ailing, including a leper, a paralytic, a bedridden woman with a fever, another paralytic, a woman with a chronic gynecological problem, two blind men, a mute person, and a man with a shriveled hand. They had also seen Him calm a storm with His words, exorcise demons from many including two possessed gentiles, and bring a dead girl back to life. Afterward, they will go on to see Jesus heal countless others including an epileptic and two more blind men. They will also see Him exorcise a demon from the daughter of a gentile, feed thousands more with only a small amount of food, and curse a fig tree so that it instantly withers. And these are only the miracles described in the Gospel of St. Matthew.

There are many stories of Jesus performing miracles throughout the Gospels. What makes this particular miracle, walking on water, somewhat unique is that Jesus invites one of His disciples to participate in the miraculous with Him. Once Jesus identifies Himself as the one walking on water, Peter calls out to Him, "Lord, if it is You, command me to come to you on the water." To this request, Jesus replies, "Come."

Perhaps, to us, Peter's request seems somewhat strange, so it might be helpful to put it into its cultural context. Rob Bell, in his book Velvet Elvis, discusses in great detail the relationship between a rabbi and his disciples. In Jesus' time, a rabbi would choose disciples from among the best and brightest students of the Scriptures. A rabbi was only interested in training those whom he believed could do what he did. Those called to be disciples would then devote their lives to shadowing their rabbi, learning from him, seeking to be just like him. There was even one instruction to disciples, "Cover yourself with the dust of [your rabbi's] feet." This instruction invokes an image of a disciple following his rabbi so closely that he is covered by the dirt his rabbi kicks up as he walks.² This is exactly the kind of relationship Jesus has with His disciples.

Peter is a very zealous disciple. Throughout the Gospels, when Jesus makes a statement or poses a question, Peter is often the first to speak up. We know that his enthusiasm sometimes gets the best of him, but we have to admire his dedication as a disciple of his Rabbi. Peter wants to be covered in the dust of his Rabbi's feet. He wants to do what his Rabbi does. He wants to follow in his Rabbi's footsteps, even if those footsteps are on liquid water.³ So, at Jesus' invitation, Peter steps out of the boat and begins walking on the water toward Jesus.

The previous day, just before Jesus fed the crowd, the disciples said to Him, "This is a deserted place, and the hour is now late; send the crowds away so that they may go into the villages and buy food for themselves." To this Jesus replied, "They need not go away; you give them something to eat."⁴ Jesus said this to His disciples as if feeding thousands of people was no big deal. Now Jesus is inviting one of His disciples to walk on water with Him, as if walking on liquid water is no big deal. Later on, Jesus will become frustrated with His disciples when they are unable to heal a boy with epilepsy, as if healing an epileptic is no big deal.⁵ Prior to all of this, Jesus told His disciples that their mission, aside from proclaiming the Good News of the Kingdom of God, was to "cure the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the lepers, and cast out demons."⁶ Jesus speaks as if such things are not amazing, miraculous feats but simply business as usual.

It seems as though Jesus is trying to push His disciples beyond their perceived limitations. When the disciples are unable to heal the boy with epilepsy, Jesus says to them, "If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you."⁷ In the Gospel of St. John, Jesus says to the disciples, "Very truly, I tell you, the one who believes in Me will also do the works that I do and, in fact, will do greater works than these..."⁸ Jesus is trying to push His disciples to do what He does. Jesus is calling His disciples to perform miracles, to do the impossible.

Jesus' promise that His disciples will be able to perform miracles and to move mountains did not apply only to the original twelve: this promise applies to us as well. Before Jesus ascends to heaven, He instructs His disciples to "make disciples of all nations."⁹ A disciple of Jesus not only does what Jesus does, but calls others to do the same. As Christians living in the twenty-first century, we are the among the last in a long line of disciples of Jesus called by disciples of Jesus. Like the original twelve, we too are called to perform miracles. We too are called to do the impossible.

Writer Peter Rollins suggests that perhaps the true power of a miracle is not a mysterious change in the physical world, but a resulting change within a person's heart.¹⁰ Perhaps the true significance of Jesus and Peter's walking on water is not the fact that two men are walking on liquid water, a feat that is not physically possible for humans. Perhaps the true significance of this miracle is that the Disciples are beginning to see a reality beyond the limitations they had previously placed on themselves. By walking on water and by calling Peter to do the same, Jesus is redefining what is possible. Maybe this is still the significance of this miracle for us disciples living two thousand years later.

I believe that miracles still happen today, but maybe moving mountains with our words and walking on water are not the specific types of works we are called to perform. Even so, we are called to follow in Jesus' footsteps by healing the sick, feeding the hungry, and bringing peace to the troubled. Whatever our specific places in the Kingdom of God, I believe that God wants us to dream big and to dare to do the things that we wouldn't generally consider to be within our capability. In the 2003 movie Bruce Almighty, God, portrayed by actor Morgan Freeman, says:
A single mom who's working two jobs, and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice, that's a miracle. A teenager who says no to drugs and yes to an education, that's a miracle. People want Me to do everything for them, but what they don't realize is, they have the power. You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle.¹¹

What kind of mountains do you dream of moving? Is your mountain perhaps a deadly or debilitating disease that you want to eradicate? Is your mountain perhaps an embattled foreign nation where you want to help to bring peace? To you, does moving a mountain mean bringing clean drinking water to impoverished villages around the world. To you, does moving a mountain mean getting through to stubborn loved ones who just won't seem to see the light and change their ways? Is your mountain perhaps an addiction you've been battling for years? To you, does moving a mountain mean fostering new growth in a small-membership church? Though we may say to ourselves, "I could never do that," Jesus says to us, "Come, follow Me." Though cynicism may tell us that such things will never happen, the story of Jesus and Peter walking on water reminds us that such things are indeed possible. Though people tell us to be realistic, Jesus calls us to stand in defiance of realism.

Imagine No Malaria is an initiative of the United Methodist Church. Malaria has existed for over three thousand years, and this disease claims the life of a child in Africa every forty-five seconds. The goal of the Imagine No Malaria initiative is to eliminate the disease in Africa by distributing of mosquito nets, building clinics, and educating the people about how to avoid contracting the disease. The ultimate goal of Imagine No Malaria is to eliminate suffering and death caused by malaria in Africa by the year 2015.¹² Another ambitious undertaking is the Mentoring Project. Founded by author Donald Miller, the Mentoring Project partners with faith communities to train people to become mentors for young people growing up without fathers. By equipping people to mentor these at-risk youths, Miller and the Mentoring Project seek to "shut down prisons, end school dropouts, curb youth suicide, and reduce homelessness."¹³ Are such ambitious goals even within our reach? The Gospel reminds us that such miracles are indeed possible.

As Peter walks on the water toward Jesus, he starts to notice the strong wind blowing against him and the rough waves all around him, and he becomes scared. Doubt creeps into his heart, and he begins to sink into the water. Peter cries out, "Lord, save me!" and Jesus reaches out and grabs him, saying, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?" The two walk back to the boat, and the disciples worship Jesus, proclaiming Him the Son of God.

Generally, we surmise that Peter started to sink because he doubted Jesus. In Velvet Elvis, Rob Bell argues that Peter isn't doubting Jesus but that Peter is actually doubting himself. After all, why would Peter doubt Jesus when Jesus isn't sinking.¹⁴ Perhaps, as Peter feels the strong wind and sees the waves, he begins to think that he isn't cut out for the task of following Jesus out on the water. Whether you agree with this idea or not, you have to admit that things like self-doubt, low self-esteem, and hesitation are all ingredients for failure. Jesus would not have called Peter to be a disciple if He didn't believe Peter could do what He did. The same is true for us. It is important for us to have faith in Christ, but it is also important for us to realize that Christ has faith in us.¹⁵

If Peter's lack of faith in himself is indeed what caused him to start sinking, I wonder if he was perhaps relying too much on his own strength. Once upon a time, a young boy was trying to move a boulder. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't get the boulder to budge. The boy's father, who was watching him the whole time, asks him if he is using all of his strength. The boy says that he is, to which his father replies, "No, son, you aren't: you haven't asked me for help."¹⁶

It is impossible for human beings to walk on liquid water, but was Jesus not fully human? In coming to earth and taking on frail human flesh, did Jesus not take on all the same limitations faced by each of us? Again, it is impossible to walk on water. "For mortals it is impossible, but for God all things are possible."¹⁷ Did Jesus perform all of His powerful, miraculous acts by His own power, or did He perhaps receive divine strength from the Father and from the Spirit? St. Paul writes, "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."¹⁸ This is how God can call mere mortals to do things that are not humanly possible. It has been said, "God does not call the qualified: God qualifies the called." God does not call people who are able to work miracles: God gives the ability to work miracles to the people He calls. We can be disciples of Jesus Christ, doing what He does, because God is our strength.

If we want to follow in Christ's footsteps, if we want to do the great things God calls us to do, if we want to receive the strength from God to do the impossible, then what do we have to do? We have to get out of the boat and to take a step onto the water. We have to leave the safety of our comfort zones and to face the wind and the waves. We must be bold. We cannot be afraid to challenge the status quo. We have to step out in faith, confident that God will give us the strength to do what He calls us to do.

So often, faith is presented to look like some sort of otherworldly fire insurance. People preach that if we admit that we are sinners, pray for forgiveness, and believe all the right things, then we don't have to go to a really bad place when we die. Presented in this way, faith acts as some sort of safety mechanism, but what if faith really isn't safe at all?

I have come to believe that having faith is less like buying fire insurance and more like jumping out of an airplane. When skydivers and paratroopers jump out of an airplane, they put all of their faith in their parachutes to bring them to the ground alive. Faith is so much more than belief. The author of the Letter to the Hebrews writes that faith is "the assurance of things hoped for" and "the conviction of things not seen."¹⁹ Faith is our reason to believe and to act when we have every reason to doubt. Faith is jumping out into our destiny, trusting in God to see us through. When we want to walk on water, faith gives us the confidence that God will keep us steady. When we want to move a mountain, faith gives us a reason to grab a shovel and to start moving dirt.

As disciples of Jesus Christ, we are called to do great things, but we are not called to do these things alone. God is always there for us to guide us and to give us the strength we need to do what He has called us to do. We have God, and we also have each other. As Disciples, we are all one Body of Christ. It is important for us to work together and to be in fellowship with each other so that when we see each other starting to sink, we can reach out and pick each other up.

As you ponder this story of Jesus and Peter walking on water, may you believe that miracles really do happen. May you believe that Christ's promise that His disciples will do the impossible applies to you as well, for you too are called to be one of His disciples. May you overcome any self-doubt you have, and may you rely on God to give you the strength to do what you have been called to do. May you have the boldness to step out of your comfort zone and into the footsteps of your Rabbi. May you find the strength in Christ to "do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all they ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can."²⁰

Amen.


Notes:
1 - See Matthew 14:13-21 to read the entire story of Feeding the Five Thousand
2 - Rob Bell. Velvet Elvis. 2005, Zondervan. pp. 129-130
3 - Velvet Elvis p. 133
4 - Matthew 14:15-16 (NRSV) Emphasis added
5 - Matthew 17:14-18
6 - Matthew 10:7-8 (NRSV quoted)
7 - Matthew 17:20 (NRSV)
8 - John 14:12 (NRSV)
9 - Matthew 28:19 (NRSV quoted)
10 - Peter Rollings, The Orthodox Heretic and Other Impossible Tales. 2009, Paraclete Press. pp. 170-173
11 - Wikiquote: Bruce Almighty
12 - This information was taken from the Imagine No Malaria website.
13 - This information was taken from the Mentoring Project website.
14 - Velvet Elvis p. 133
15 - Velvet Elvis p. 134
16 - Wesley Study Bible. 2009, Abingdon Press. p. 1123
17 - Matthew 19:26 (NRSV). I know that I am taking this verse out of context, but I believe it still applies in this case.
18 - Philippians 4:13 (NRSV)
19 - Hebrews 11:1 (NRSV)
20 - Aphorism attributed to John Wesley


If you have any feedback, thoughts, stories, or even arguments to contribute, please leave comments.