Introspection: O Me of Little Faith

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O Me of Little Faith

We know that God works all things together for good for the ones who love God, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28 (CEB)

Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I, I can't help but ask myself
How much I let the fear take the wheel and steer

From "Drive" by Incubus

Ever since the global pandemic was declared back in March of 2020, I have wanted my life to seem normal again.  Before that time, the thought that I might catch an illness from another person was at most a passing one.  The pandemic brought that thought to the forefront of my mind, where it has remained.  At this time, I am probably living my life more normally than I have lived it in the last three years.  Still, the anxiety that took hold of me has not gone away.  I still tend to avoid crowded places, and I am more alert to other people's coughing and sneezing than I was before the pandemic.

I hate to admit that I still harbor this anxiety.  In the words of one character from my favorite novel by C.S. Lewis, "It's so damned embarrassing."¹

Earlier this year, I was asked to attend a conference for work this month.  I didn't really want to attend the conference since I still don't feel comfortable in large crowds, but I didn't try to get out of it.  I didn't want to make a big deal about it; I know that my anxiety over catching an illness is disproportional to the risk I personally face; and I figured that I would eventually have to cross this threshold at some point anyway.

As a certified Lay Speaker in my denomination, I typically have the opportunity to preach at a number of different churches throughout the year.  For the first half of this year, I only had opportunities to preach at the church I personally attend.  An opportunity to preach at another church finally came in the middle of June.  A pastor reached out to me and asked me to preach at his church on the Sunday after I would return home from the conference.  I wanted an opportunity to preach at a church besides my own, and the Gospel reading for the week was one that meant a lot to me, so I happily accepted the gig.

I'm prone to worst-case scenario thinking, so naturally I realized that there was a possibility that I might catch an illness from somebody at the conference and end up having to back out of my preaching commitment at the very last minute, thereby letting people down causing lot of trouble.  The pastor who contacted me typically asks me to fill in for him a couple of times per year, and, because I had already turned him down once this year when he asked me to preach on a Sunday when I had already committed to teaching Sunday school, I didn't want to turn him down again.  I was afraid that he might stop asking me to preach at his church.

I started to dread the conference.  I asked people to pray for me that I wouldn't become sick so that I would be able to fulfill the commitment I had made.  My mother even put me on her church's prayer list.  Knowing that people were praying for me made me feel better, but it didn't stop me from worrying.

Attending the conference was nerve-racking.  I must have heard every cough, sniffle, and sneeze in every session I attended.  That said, it was a good conference.  I learned a lot of things, and I began putting the knowledge I gained to use shortly after I returned to the office.  I enjoyed my free time at the resort where the conference was hosted.  Also, I didn't become sick, so I was able to preach on the following Sunday.  Either I worried needlessly, or my worry caused me to be more careful than I might have been otherwise.

I suppose I should view my attending the conference as a personal victory, but, truth be told, I'm feeling rather frustrated with myself for being as worried as I was.  If I truly had faith, I would have trusted that, if God really wanted me to preach as scheduled, then God would have protected me from becoming sick, and that, if I did become sick, God would have worked everything out for good.  God has brought me through so many things in the past, so why can't I just stop worrying that things won't happen exactly as I want and start trusting God?

Back in April, my mother treated me to dinner on the day after my birthday.  As we finished our meal, I asked her if she had any words of wisdom for me for the coming year.  She told me to "stop being afraid."  I know that fear and anxiety are holding me back in a lot of different ways.  I guess I'll have to be patient with myself as I fight back against these things, one uncomfortable situation at a time.


Notes:

1. C.S. Lewis.  The Great Divorce.  ch 11

The photograph featured in this perspective was taken by Mikael Kristenson, and it has been released to the public domain.  The photographer is in no way affiliated with this blog.