Introspection: My Lack of Progress

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My Lack of Progress

I hereby command you: Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Joshua 1:9 (NRSV)

Tell me, should I stay here
Or do I need to move?
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You

From "Revelation" by Third Day

At the end of last year, I noted that I had made a concrete resolution for 2023, though I refrained from revealing what it is.  I now regret to say that, with three fourths of the year behind me, I have made very little progress toward my goal.  I have not waited too long to achieve my goal, since it is one I can realistically accomplish in the next few months.  The problem I face - and the reason I have made so little progress toward my goal - is that I have been spinning my figurative wheels trying to figure out if the thing I resolved to do is something I should do or something I even want to do.

In the last few years, a number of colliding forces in my life forced me to confront my mortality and to consider my purpose in life, and last summer I started to contemplate making a significant change.  For a number of years, one aspect of my life has been following a certain trajectory, and I've started to wonder if maybe I should take the next step in that direction.  My New Year's resolution involved that particular step, and, at this time, I'm still not certain it is a step I want to take.

In fact, lately I've spent a lot of time wondering if I should even be doing the things I'm already doing.

There have been times when I've wondered if I do the things I do, particularly the things I do in the Church, in order to get attention.  Lately, I've been getting attention for doing the things I do, particularly from people in my church, and I've found that I actually hate it somewhat.  When people give me positive feedback for the things I write, some spiritual form of imposter syndrome I evidently have flares up, and I start to feel guilty for fooling people into thinking I'm something I'm not.  Earlier this month, reading one of the letters in the Book of Revelation hit me pretty hard, as it has done in the past.  To the congregation in Sardis, Christ says, "I know your works.  You have the reputation of being alive, and you are in fact dead."¹

In my own defense, I want to point out that, when I preach a sermon, lead Sunday school, or share a blog post, I am in no way trying to present myself as some Christian exemplar.  I'm simply preaching, teaching, or writing as someone who has some knowledge about the Bible and also some possibly unusual perspectives, either of which may or may not be a gift of the Holy Spirit.  I understand as well as anyone else that knowing what is right is a lot easier than actually doing what is right.

At nearly forty years of age, I feel like I still have no idea who I am or what I was put on this planet to do.  I just can't seem to identify my true self amid all the piles of false self I've constructed over the years to get through my life.  I know that ultimately I am a beloved child of God; and I know that's what really matters; but, at the same time, I know that every other human being is a beloved child of God.  What I want to know is who I am as a particular beloved child of God who was born in the mid 1980s, has lived in Greenville, South Carolina all his life, has struggled with his religion ever since he was in elementary school, is chronically single, works as a computer programmer, serves his church in various ways, and calls himself Tony.

About a week ago, I had the opportunity to share with my church a sermon I originally wrote a couple of months earlier for another church.  I considered writing a new sermon based on the Gospel passage for the week, but I remembered that a friend from my small group, who read my previous sermon on this blog, recommended that I preach it at our church when I get the opportunity.  I decided to make life easier for myself and to take my friend's advice.

My sermon was based on one of Jesus' parables in which a farmer plants wheat in his field and later learns that weeds are growing amid the wheat.  Obviously the farmer is not happy to have weeds in his wheat field, but he knows that pulling up the weeds will likely uproot the wheat.  He is not willing to sacrifice the wheat he planted just to be rid of the weeds, so he decides to allow the wheat and the weeds to grow together until the harvest.  At that time, the harvesters will be able to store up the wheat and dispose of the weeds.²

For me, delivering that sermon again was a reminder that, though there are a lot of weeds in the field that is my life, they are not worth abandoning the good stuff growing in the field.  I cannot allow my character flaws to stop me from doing the good things I do, and, whatever I decide to take as my next step, I cannot allow my self-doubt to make my decision for me.  Whoever I am, I am more than my faults.

If you have been following this blog for a while, you might have noticed that I try to post something personal every month.  This month, I struggled to figure out what I should share, so I ended up trying to weave together a number of things that have been on my mind lately.  I suppose I could have tried to write something that could be tied up a bit more neatly, but I felt that simply sharing where I am at the moment would be more honest.  If you, dear reader, are feeling as stuck as I feel, don't allow your self-doubts hold you back.  We are more than our flaws.  If you are still wrestling with questions you think you should have answered a couple of decades ago, know that you are not alone.


Notes:

1. Revelation 3:1 (CEB)
2. Matthew 13:24-30

My "shadow selfie" was taken by me in 2014.

Perspective: Unforgivable

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.
Comments are always welcomed.
If you find these thoughts helpful, please share.

Unforgivable

Whoever speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come.

Matthew 12:32 (NRSV)

Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
And only surrender will help you now
I love you, please see and believe again

From "Again" by Flyleaf

Until I graduated from High School, I attended Christian schools exclusively, so every school day I had to attend either chapel or Bible class.  One day, in my tenth grade Bible class, the teacher asked us if we knew what the "unforgivable sin" was.  At least one of the students answered, "Adultery."  That student was incorrect, but, considering the values of the school and the church to which it was attached, one could see how he would reach such a conclusion.  In the Bible, we read of adulterers and murderers who find forgiveness for their transgressions.

Is there any transgression that is truly unforgivable?

In the Gospel of Matthew we read a story in which Jesus seems to suggest that His accusers have crossed a line from which there might be no turning back.

One day Jesus is brought a man who has been suffering from blindness and muteness, both of which have been attributed to a demon.  Jesus miraculously heals the man, and the people around them respond in different ways.  Some people are amazed by the healing, and they start to wonder if Jesus might be the Messiah.  Some of the religious leaders, who have been routinely critical of Jesus, scoff at the miracle, suggesting that Jesus casts out demons using demonic power.  Jesus pokes holes in His accusers' logic, reasoning that demons cannot accomplish anything if they are turned against each other and calling into question how His detractors' own exorcists are able to cast out demons.¹

Jesus then makes a rather disturbing statement.  He says,
I tell you, people will be forgiven for every sin and blasphemy, but blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven.  Whoever speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come.²

So what exactly is Jesus saying?

Before Jesus began His public ministry, He went to the Jordan River to be baptized.  As He was coming up out of the water, the heavens were torn open; the Spirit of God took the form of a dove and landed upon Jesus; and a Voice from heaven said, "This is my Son, the Beloved, with whom I am well pleased."³  The Son of God, at His baptism, received both the blessing of the Father and the power of the Holy Spirit.  Throughout the Gospel story, when Jesus heals people or casts demons out of people, He is doing so by the power of the very Spirit of God.

When some of the religious leaders suggest that Jesus is using demonic power to cast out demons, they are not simply insulting Him.  They are suggesting that what is clearly an act of God is actually an act of the devil.  This, Jesus seems to be saying, is unforgivable.

Is it possible that Jesus' accusers could see the error of their ways, change their minds, and seek forgiveness?

Maybe.  Maybe not.

Perhaps the fatal error of Jesus' accusers was not saying what they said but rather the arrogance and hardheartedness that led them to say what they said.  Jesus goes on to say that "out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks."⁴  Scholar William Barclay suggests, regarding Jesus' accusers,
They had for so long been blind and deaf to the guidance of God's hand and the promptings of God's Spirit, they had insisted on their own way for so long, that they had come to a stage when they could not recognize God's truth and goodness when they saw them.  They were able to look on incarnate goodness and call it incarnate evil; they were able to look on the Son of God and call him the ally of the devil.⁵

The religious leaders who accuse Jesus of being in league with demons are dead wrong, so they desperately need to repent and change their attitude toward Jesus.  Unfortunately, they are so certain of their own rightness, they are currently incapable of changing their minds.

On the cesspool formerly known as Twitter, I regularly see people who claim to be Christians malign kind and compassionate pastors because they happen to disagree with them on certain issues.  Some accusers go so far as to call these pastors demonic, not unlike Jesus' own accusers.  Apparently, some people think that they understand God's will so well that anyone who disagrees with them must be working for Satan.  Last I checked, love, kindness, and gentleness are fruits of the Holy Spirit⁶ and not works of the devil.

Jesus began His ministry by announcing, "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near."⁷  If God is at work in our midst, then we need to be willing to change our minds, our hearts, and our lives.  If we have become absolutely certain that we have figured God out, then we have become incapable of repentance, and we have excluded ourselves from what God is doing in the world.


Notes:

1. Matthew 12:22-30
2. Matthew 12:31-32 (NRSV)
3. Matthew 3:13-17 (NRSV)
4. Matthew 12:34 (NRSV)
5. William Barclay.  The New Daily Study Bible: The Gospel of Matthew, Volume Two.  2001, Saint Andrew Press.  p. 51
6. Galatians 5:22-23 (NRSV)
7. Matthew 4:17 (NRSV)

The Blind and Mute Man Possessed by Devils was painted by James Tissot in the late 1800s.

Perspective: A Story of Reconciliation

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.
Comments are always welcomed.
If you find these thoughts helpful, please share.

A Story of Reconciliation

Even though you intended to do harm to me, God intended it for good, in order to preserve a numerous people, as he is doing today.

Genesis 50:20 (NRSV)

All I had to offer Him was brokenness and strife
But He made something beautiful of my life

From "Something Beautiful" by Gloria Gaither

In the Book of Genesis, we read about a young man named Joseph who has eleven brothers.  Of the twelve sons, Joseph is his father's favorite.  His father has even given him a special robe as a sign of his favored status.¹  Joseph is also a dreamer, and he makes the mistake of telling his brothers about his dreams.  Once he dreams that, while he and his brothers are binding stalks of grain, his stalk stands up while his brothers' stalks bow down to it.  Later he dreams that the sun, the moon, and eleven stars bow down to him.  Evidently, Joseph thinks that someday his brothers will bow down before him.  They already resented him for being their father's favorite son, but, when they hear about his dreams, they hate him even more.²

One day, when Joseph is sent out to check on his brothers while they are tending sheep, they see him from afar and start plotting to kill him.  Reuben, the eldest brother, convinces the others not to kill him and suggests that they instead throw him into a nearby cistern, secretly planning to rescue him later.  When Joseph approaches, his brothers strip him of his special robe and throw him into the cistern.  Judah, one of the brothers, sees a caravan of merchants and suggests that they sell Joseph as a slave.  After they sell him to the merchants, they dip his robe in animal blood and then give it to their father, claiming that they found it.  Their grief-stricken father naturally assumes that his favorite son was killed by wild animals.³

Many years later, Joseph's dreams finally become a reality.  During a severe famine, ten of Joseph's brothers find themselves in Egypt, bowing down before the governor, Pharaoh's second-in-command.  Their father heard that the Egyptians have food to spare, so he sent them to Egypt to buy food.  The ten brothers do not realize that the man who now holds their fate is the brother they sold into slavery years earlier.⁴

When the caravan of merchants arrived in Egypt, Joseph was sold to a military officer, and later, through no fault of his own, he ended up in jail.  In jail, he started interpreting dreams for people, and his interpretations were proven to be accurate.  When Pharaoh started having disturbing dreams, Joseph was brought to the palace to interpret them.  Joseph told Pharaoh that his dreams were a warning from God that, after several years of abundance, there would be a severe famine.  He advised Pharaoh to appoint someone to store up food harvested during the years of plenty so that his people would be able to survive the years of famine.  Pharaoh put Joseph in charge of the effort and made him the second most powerful person in Egypt.⁵

Joseph recognizes his brothers, and, though he intends to eventually reconcile with them, he decides to mess with them for a while.  First, he accuses them of being spies, and, as he interrogates them, they tell him that their youngest brother is back home with their father and that they have another brother who is "gone."  Next, he detains them for three days.  Joseph releases his brothers and allows them to buy grain, but he secretly has the money they used to buy the grain put back into their bags.  He keeps Simeon, the second oldest brother, in Egypt and sends the others home, promising to release him if they bring their youngest brother to Egypt with them.⁶

The nine brothers return home.  They still have no idea that the governor of Egypt is the brother they sold into slavery, but they are starting to think that the horrible things they did to him are coming back to haunt them.⁷

Eventually the family runs out of food, so the brothers head back to Egypt after convincing their father to allow their youngest brother Benjamin to go with them.  When they arrive in Egypt, they are escorted to the governor's house and reunited with their brother Simeon.  Joseph meets his brothers at his home, welcomes his brother Benjamin, and hosts a dinner for all of them.^8 9

Joseph, still unrecognized, sends his brothers back home with food, and once again he secretly has the money with which his brothers bought the food put back in their bags.  He also has his special chalice placed in Benjamin's bag.  As the eleven brothers are heading home, one of Joseph's servants catches up with them and accuses them of stealing the governor's chalice.  All of the brothers' bags are searched, and the chalice is found in Benjamin's.  The brothers are brought back to the governor's house, and once again they find themselves bowing before Joseph.¹⁰

Joseph tells his brothers that they are all free to go home with the exception of Benjamin, who will have to remain in Egypt as his slave as punishment for attempting to steal his cup.  Judah, the same brother who suggested that Joseph be sold into slavery, now pleads on behalf of Benjamin, claiming that their father will grieve himself to death if he loses his other favorite son.¹¹  Any resentment the brothers once harbored because of their father's favoritism has been pushed aside by their love for their father, their remorse for the grief they caused him previously, and their refusal cause him any further pain.

It is now clear to Joseph that his brothers have matured and that they are not the same men who sold him into slavery years earlier, so he finally reveals his identity to them.  His brothers are evidently afraid that he is going to exact revenge upon them,¹² so he says to them,

I'm your brother Joseph!  The one you sold to Egypt.  Now, don't be upset and don't be angry with yourselves that you sold me here...  God sent me before you to make sure you'd survive and to rescue your lives in this amazing way.  You didn't send me here; it was God who made me a father to Pharaoh, master of his entire household, and ruler of the whole land of Egypt.¹³

Joseph then invites his brothers to relocate their whole family to Egypt to ride out the famine.¹⁴

---

The story of Joseph and his brothers is a story of reconciliation.  When harm has been done, reconciliation is only possible if there is repentance on the part of wrongdoers and forgiveness on the part of their victims.  We can see both forgiveness and repentance in the story, and we can also see what might have helped people to repent and to forgive.

Joseph might have been a spoiled brat in his youth, but he did not deserve what his brothers did to him.  Years later, when he finds himself in a place of power over his brothers, he does not use it to pay them back for what they did to him.  He does toy with them for a while before reconciling with them, likely because he wants to see if they have grown and changed since they sold him into slavery years earlier.  When Joseph finally reveals his identity to his brothers, he does not exhibit any bitterness toward them.  What they did to him was inexcusable, but he can see how God has brought good out of it.  God used Joseph's enslavement and subsequent imprisonment to eventually bring Joseph to a place where he could advise Pharaoh and save the lives of many people.

It was only natural that Joseph's brothers would be indignant because of their father's favoritism, but it was no excuse for them to sell their own flesh and blood into slavery.  After they brought Joseph's bloodied robe back to their father, leading him to believe that his favorite son was killed by wild animals, they had to witness firsthand the pain their actions caused their father, and they had to live with their guilt for years.  Years later, when they face the prospect of having to tell their father about the loss of his other favorite son, they fight to make sure that they can take him home, unwilling to cause their father any more pain.

Both repentance and forgiveness can be hard work, but there are things that can help us along the way.  Seeing the effects our actions have on other people can force us to rethink our actions, and watching God bring something good out of the mistreatment we suffer can make it easier for us to put our anger behind us.


Notes:

1. In the old King James Version, Joseph's robe is called "a coat of many colors."  In the New Revised Standard Version, it is called "a long robe with sleeves."  Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber called it "the amazing technicolor dreamcoat."
2. Genesis 37:1-11
3. Genesis 37:12-35
4. Genesis 42:1-9
5. Genesis 39-41
6. Genesis 42:9-38 (CEB)
7. Genesis 42:21-22, 27-28
8. Genesis 43
9. Joseph's father had children with multiple women.  The reason Joseph wanted to see brother Benjamin is that he is the only brother with whom he shares a mother.  See Genesis 29:15-30:24 and Genesis 35:16-20.
10. Genesis 44:1-14
11. Genesis 44:15-34
12. Genesis 45:1-3
13. Genesis 45:4-8 (CEB)
14. Genesis 45:9-15

Joseph Makes Himself Known to His Brethren was painted by James Tissot around 1900.