Introspection: The Correct Answer

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The Correct Answer

And a voice came from heaven, "You are my Son, the Beloved; with you I am well pleased."

Mark 1:11 (NRSV)

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still, You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours

From "Who Am I?" by Casting Crowns

In late December, as I was looking back on some of my introspections from the previous year, I took some time to think about my career.  I noted that there were some things I like about it and some things I dislike about it, and I confessed that I'm struggling to figure out what I actually want to do going forward.  I wrote that "I've been wrestling with my identity and my purpose in life."  It was a rather peculiar thing to write regarding my career.  The truth is that, for me, who I am and what I do are interconnected - or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that they're entangled.

I'm starting to realize that part of my problem is knowing that there are stereotypes and expectations associated with every occupation.

For the last sixteen years, I have worked as a professional computer programmer.  In college, I decided to study computer science, because I knew that it was a practical field and because I actually understood how to write computer programs.  I think it also appealed to my creativity and my affinity for problem solving.

As I noted last year, even though computer programming is a fitting job for me, I do not like to be associated with computers.  The reason is stereotyping.  IT professionals like computer programmers are thought to be nerds.  Nerds might be known for their intelligence, but they are also considered uncool, unattractive, and generally undesirable.  Naturally, I don't want people to think of me in this way, so I don't want to be identified as a computer programmer.

And I don't know who needs to hear this, but telling someone that he looks like he works with computers is not flattering.

My first job as a professional computer programmer was in the gambling industry.  It was a job I hated, because working in such an amoral industry brought me a lot of shame.  As I was praying for a way out, I started to wonder if maybe I had chosen the wrong field in college.  Wondering if maybe I had a future in Christian ministry, I asked my pastor for some opportunities to preach.  By the grace of God, I got out of the job that brought me shame and into a programming job in which I could take pride, but I continued preaching.  Eventually I was certified as a Lay Speaker, a layperson who fills in for pastors when needed.  I've been an amateur preacher almost as long as I've been a professional computer programmer.

In the last few years, I've had a problem with being identified as a preacher, which is very similar to my problem with being identified as a computer programmer.  The problem is people's expectations.  People expect preachers, pastors, and other "professional" Christians to be especially Christlike individuals.  I know that isn't true about me.  I enjoy writing sermons and preaching on occasion, but sometimes I feel like a total fraud.  In fact, I'm surprised that, in all my years preaching, the church ceiling hasn't fallen on me!

I'm starting to realize that, as I try to figure out what I want to do with my life going forward, some of the internal work I need to do is to disentangle my identity from the things I do.  I will have a difficult time of figuring out what I am meant to do with my life if I think my identity somehow depends on it, and I will not faithfully or effectively do what I am meant to do if am not secure in who I am.

If I am not a computer programmer or a preacher, then who exactly am I?

I know the correct answer to the question of who I am.  I know that I am a beloved child of God.  To be honest, I find this answer unsatisfying, because it doesn't tell me anything specific about myself.  It is true about everyone.  Every child of God is different, and I want to know who I am as a particular child of God.  That said, if I am not happy with the correct answer, then maybe I think it isn't enough.  Maybe I think I need to stand out from the crowd for some reason.  Maybe I need to sit with the correct answer for a while before I try to figure anything else about about myself.

To define oneself by one's work is a common mistake, but it is a critical mistake.  This is a mistake I must correct in my own life.  I may write computer programs, but I am not a computer programmer.  I may preach on occasion, but I am not a preacher.  I am a beloved child of God, just like everyone else.


The image featured in this introspection was created by Eviatar Bach, and it has been released to the public domain.  The creator is in no way affiliated with this blog.