Introspection: The Voices in My Head

I share these thoughts, hoping they are of help to someone else.

The Voices in My Head

Scripture:

I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward - to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back. So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision - you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it.

Philippians 3:12-16 (The Message)

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again, "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory."
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

From "The Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns

There have been a number of times over the last few weeks that I considered giving up the things that I started doing last year. I thought that I might quit teaching Sunday school. I also considered shutting down this blog as well. I was recently accused of arrogance, and I plunged into a time of self-doubt. I began questioning my own motives and doubting my sincerity.

Uncertainty about my own motives is something that haunts me at times. Sometimes I wonder if I do things for the right reasons or if somewhere inside I have a selfish motive. My inner dialogue is of no help whatsoever. Sometimes it is as if there is a voice in my head saying, "Admit it! You're not doing these things for God's glory: you're just trying to bring attention to yourself. You're making a mockery of God's work, so you had better stop!" Sometimes, I wonder if the voice is right. Am I no better than the stereotypical televangelist who just likes to hear himself talk? This is something that I do not want to admit, but I am not sure if it is because I actually don't believe the voice or if it is because I think it would be too painful to admit.

If you have been reading my articles on this blog over the past year or even if this is the first one you have read, you probably think that I have "issues." I recently took an online test that would seem to concur. Sometimes I wonder if I am really the right person to be doing the things that I do. Again the "devil's advocate" in me chimes in and says, "God doesn't need an overemotional basket case like you trying to speak for Him. You're only going to hurt His cause." If that is true, then should I not put aside my own desires for the sake of the greater good?

Sometimes I feel as though people think that I am a better person than I really am. Sometimes I even feel like a complete fraud. As most people probably do, I try to accentuate the good qualities of my character while keeping the more negative qualities swept under the rug. Sometimes, I look at my own faults and failures and feel that if I really am a Christian then I should be a better person than I am. Sometimes, my "voice" says, "Stop pretending to be a Christian! If only people knew what you are really like! Give up the act already!"

Maybe you have "voices" like the one that I have been describing. Maybe sometimes you have inner dialogue that discourages you and makes you feel unworthy to follow Christ. If so, please realize this: these voices are not of God.

Perhaps, like me, you feel as though you have too many "issues" to do anything for Christ. This is simply not true. If you look in the Bible, you will see that God has used many people with "issues" to do great things.

The story of the prophet Jonah is familiar to many of us. Jonah was called by God to warn a very wicked city about its impending doom. Jonah tried to shirk his calling and ended up swallowed by a whale. When he repented, though, he got a second chance. You may be less familiar with what happened afterward. Jonah became angry that the people of the city actually repented of their evil ways. Later, a worm destroyed his shade tree, and he said that he wished that he was dead. God used the incident to teach him a lesson about His concern for all people.¹

Another great prophet who had "issues" was Elijah, whom I have heard one preacher call "a manic-depressive."² Once, when he was on the run from those out to kill him, he asked God to end his life. God did not grant Elijah's request, but instead called him up a mountain and reassured him that everything would be alright.³

God, who sees even the darkest corners of all our hearts, knew of Elijah and Jonah's personal problems before he called them. He knew of Jonah's selfish and petty tendencies, but He still used him to bring a city to repentance. He knew of Elijah's doubt and despair, but He still used him to combat corruption and false religion in Israel. God did not give up on these prophets and used even their worst moments to work on their hearts.

Maybe, like me, you look at your own failures and feel as though you are unworthy to follow Christ. The truth is that, no matter what destructive path you have been traveling, it is never too late to turn around and run back to Christ. Like the father of the prodigal son, God is always waiting for us with His arms wide open. The Bible proves this time and time again.

When Jesus was put on trial and executed, His disciples abandoned Him one by one. One disciple, Peter, denied that he even knew Him. Jesus forgave Peter and the other disciples and, after the resurrection, entrusted them to continue the work He started.

We all know that St. Paul was very influential in the early church, writing letters and spreading the message of Christ. Before he met Christ, he was hellbent on destroying the Church, persecuting as many Christians as he could get his hands on. Despite his sins against humanity and against Christ, God used him to spread the Gospel to many people.

We all have flaws and "issues." We are all sinners who have failed God time and time again, but He does not give up on us. God sees more in us than our mistakes, our baggage, our faults, and our problems. God believes in us even when we don't believe in ourselves.⁴ Christ has called all of us to follow Him and to be His disciples. This calling has nothing to do with our own worthiness, but everything to do with His grace.

If, like me, you have doubts about your motives, do not get discouraged. The journey of faith is a life-long journey: we are not going to reach our destination immediately. As long as we live, we will not get everything right. The "new self" and the "old self" are going to battle it out in our hearts for our entire lives. St. Paul, in his letter to the Philippians, says that we are running a race. If we keep our eyes on the finish line, God will give us the grace to keep running, and He will provide us the grace to rise above our sins and our "issues." Be patient with yourself.

Maybe my desire to tell my story on this blog is a symptom of narcissism. Maybe it is simply a desire to share more about myself with others. This blog has given me a place to work out a lot of things in my life and a place to look back and to remember the lessons that God has taught me. I post these lessons on the Internet for others to see, hoping that maybe someone else can benefit from the things I have learned. Whatever my motives, I honestly believe that God has worked through me and my writing, so, instead of "quenching the Spirit" with my self-doubt, I will continue to write, hoping that Christ will increase as I decrease.

Never give up! Keep running the race that God has called you to run. Rebuke the voices in your head that try to bring you down. Pay them no attention! Instead, listen to the Spirit of God who is at work in your life.


Notes:
1 - Jonah 4
2 - Chad Norris. "On the Verge of Greatness." Wayfarer/Engage.
3 - 1 King 19
4 - I have to give my mom credit for this sentence.
See also: Rob Bell. NOOMA Dust | 008. Flannel.


If you have any feedback, thoughts, stories, or even arguments to contribute, please leave comments.