Introspection: Chosen

I share these thoughts, hoping they are of help to someone else.

Chosen

Scripture:

God destined us to be His adopted children through Jesus Christ because of His love. This was according to His goodwill and plan and to honor His glorious grace that He has given to us freely through the Son whom He loves.

Ephesians 1:5-6 (CEB)

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

From "Who Am I?" by Casting Crowns

From kindergarten through high school, I exclusively attended private Christian schools, meaning that, from ages 4 through 18, the Bible was a major part of my curriculum. For a brief time during my senior year in high school, a student teacher from a local evangelical university taught my Bible class. At the end of one class period, he revealed that he believed in the idea of limited atonement. This stirred up a bit of controversy among my classmates.

Limited atonement is the idea that God has already decided which people will be saved and which people will not be saved. This means that there is a certain group of people, the "elect," who will be unable to resist God's grace, and will therefore spend eternity with God in Heaven. Everyone else is basically hopeless. They will never come to repentance; they will never accept God's forgiving grace; and they will ultimately spend eternity apart from God in hell.¹ This idea leaves little room for free will, as God has already made the choice for each of us.

After that class period, I told some of my classmates that I didn't believe this idea because I knew that it was my choice: I could accept Christ as my Savior and seek to follow God's will for my life, or I could reject Christ and do all the destructive things that I wanted to do. One of my classmates said that, even if God only chose to save some of humanity, God was still being merciful because we all deserve hell.

It's easy to say something like that when you are certain that you are one of the chosen. What about all the people whom God didn't choose? What about all the people who were put on this earth only to perish and face everlasting anguish? What about all the people who literally don't have a prayer?

I don't follow this line of thinking, but the idea still troubles me. What if the people who believe this way are right? What if I am one of the unchosen, the uninvited, the unforgiven? What if I am only fooling myself by thinking I have a relationship with God? What if my faith and my beliefs are all for naught? What if there is nothing awaiting me at the end of my life but a lake of fire? How would I accept my fate? I would probably do a lot of pointless begging. Part of me thinks that I would spend eternity indignant toward God for so cruelly rejecting me.

There are some people who take this viewpoint to a horrible extreme. There is one "church" in particular whose members believe that they are the only people chosen by God. They believe that God hates all other people and is just itching to send every last one of them to hell. I recently said that if they are right about God, then I want to spend eternity in hell. Who would want to spend eternity with a God like that?

When I ponder such ideas and speak out against them, I can hear venom in my own words. Why would I speak such vitriol against God if I don't believe such negative things about Him? When I dwell on these things too much, I can even sense anger and distrust toward God lurking within me. Why would I have these negative feelings about a God who as been so loving and patient with me?

Have you ever kept someone at arm's-length because of your experiences with other people in the past?

I have always thought of myself to be more of an outsider than part of the "in" crowd. I am more familiar with rejection than with "chosenness." I was never one of the popular kids. In elementary school, I was never chosen first for kickball teams at recess. In my junior year of high school, I was not elected class president. I ended up going to both of my junior-senior banquets² by myself. In my senior year of college I was turned down for a job at my Alma Mater. Don't get me started about my love life. I was chosen for a few honor societies, but that was only because I had good grades.

If God is the type who picks and chooses who He wants to be saved, why should I expect Him to be any different from the other people who rejected me over the years? Last week, I realized that perhaps I was projecting onto God my feelings of rejection from the past.

The truth is that God is the last person with whom I should be angry. The more I look at my life, the more I see God at work in it, drawing me closer to Him. The more I look back, the more I can see that God has always been there preparing the way for me. I know that God is blessing my efforts to serve Him. God is not going to reject me or give up on me: God has chosen me! When God reminded me last week, the only way I could describe my feelings at the time was humbled - struck down from my high horse.

Do I think that this makes me special? Yes! But I also believe that each and every one of us is special to God. We live in an immeasurably vast universe that may have existed for billions of years. In the grand scheme of things, each of us is but a particle that exists for an instant in time. Still, God knows how many hairs are on our heads, every thought we have ever thought, and every feeling we have ever felt. We are that important to God.³

Two of the most famous Bible verses are found in the Gospel of John:
For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him won’t perish but will have eternal life. God didn’t send His Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.⁴

God poured out His grace on all of humanity by sending His Son Christ Jesus into the world. Jesus lived, not as a part of the "in" crowd, but among the outsiders. He showed us how to love each other, and He taught a message of justice, mercy, and love. In dying on a cross, Christ paid the penalty for all of humanity's wrongdoings, and, in His resurrection, He brought us hope for eternity. Christ came into this world so that we "may have life, and have it abundantly,"⁵ not just in the next life, but in this life.

St. Peter, after ministering to a man who would normally be his enemy, said the following:
I really am learning that God doesn’t show partiality to one group of people over another. Rather, in every nation, whoever worships Him and does what is right is acceptable to Him. This is the message of peace He sent to the Israelites by proclaiming the good news through Jesus Christ: He is Lord of all!⁶
God's grace is for all people, not just a select few. St. Paul, in one of his letters, wrote that God "wants all people to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth."⁷

In another letter, Paul wrote that grace is "the gift of God - not the result of works."⁸ We don't have to prove ourselves worthy of God's love. God's love makes us worthy. God wants to be part of each of our lives, and He wants all of us to be a part of His family.

It is my hope that you, the reader, realize that God has chosen you. Will you choose God back?


Notes:
1 - Wikipedia: "Limited Atonement"
2 - A junior-senior banquet is what a fundamentalist Christian school has instead of a prom.
3 - See Psalm 139
4 - John 3:16-17 (CEB)
5 - John 10:10 (NRSV)
6 - Acts 10:34-36 (CEB)
7 - 1 Timothy 2:4 (CEB)
8 - Ephesians 2:8-9 (NRSV)


If you have any feedback, thoughts, stories, or even arguments to contribute, please leave comments.

Introspection: God's Gift to Someone

I share these thoughts, hoping they are of help to someone else.


God's Gift to Someone

Scripture:

I will instruct you and teach you about the direction you should go. I'll advise you and keep My eye on you.

Psalm 32:8 (CEB)

Don’t know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace

Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need, You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

From "Beautiful, Beautiful" by Francesca Battistelli

If you couldn't tell from my writing, the last six months have been an emotional time for me, to say the least. During this time, I have felt God working within me, bringing about some much-needed healing, forgiveness, and change in my life.

At some point within the last few years, I said something to the extent of the following: "I've been a bad son, a bad grandson, a bad friend, a bad student, a bad employee, and a bad Christian. If only I could meet the right woman, I could be a bad boyfriend and maybe even a bad husband and a bad father." I admit that I have a tendency to be melodramatic, particularly when I am feeling discouraged, but this statement speaks volumes about my self-image and my negativity. In my mind, I saw myself as a failure, and I had low expectations for the future, particularly in regards to finding love and starting a family.

If you read my blog during October of last year, you might have noticed that I wrote a lot about love and companionship. The reason for this is that, at the time, I had developed a crush on a young woman I know. While it is not uncommon for me to be attracted to the women I know, this was an extreme case. There were times I had trouble getting this woman off my mind. It felt both good and painful at the same time.

Given my very broken self-image, a relationship with this woman just didn't seem realistic. I saw myself as inadequate, undesirable, and unlovable; I felt as though no woman in her right mind would ever want me. My situation seemed desperate, but I remembered another desperate situation I faced in the past. When I was stuck in a miserable job situation, I began praying, and God delivered me from it. My unfulfilled desire for companionship had been an ever-present thorn in my mind, but I had never really put the matter into God's hands. I began praying that God would lead me to a girlfriend, if not to the woman on my mind, then to someone else He would choose for me. Basically, I was praying for a miracle.

I am convinced that God has heard my prayers. Though I do not yet have a girlfriend, I believe that, as a direct result of my prayers, God has begun working in my life in a new way. As the great theologian Mick Jagger wrote:

You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes, well you just might find
You get what you need

I think that this chorus applies to prayer. When we pray, God might not give us exactly what we want, but He will give us exactly what we need. When I began praying for a girlfriend, I feel as though God rolled up His sleeves said, "If you want a companion, then we have some work to do." If God had simply given me what I asked, my snarky comment about myself could have become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

One evening, shortly after I started praying for a companion, I caught myself thinking resentful thoughts over something that happened over ten years ago, something that I had let shape my self-image. Halfheartedly, I asked God to help me to forgive the person who hurt me. That night, God led me to a book called Healing for Damaged Emotions.¹ This book brought me face-to-face with my brokenness: namely my resentment, my low self-esteem, and my perfectionism. The things I learned from this book helped me to dig beneath my anger and my resentment and to work through the hurt I was holding inside.

God was putting me through a process of healing that brought some much-needed forgiveness and reconciliation into my life. One evening, I decided that I didn't want to be angry or resentful toward people any more, even when they hurt me. I then remembered the person who hurt me long ago and thought about what I would want to say to her. The next day I decided to clear the air with her and to apologize for the grudge I held against her. Finally, I was able to put the past in the past.

On Thanksgiving Day last year, I cleaned up the living room while my mother cooked dinner. As I cleaned, I saw a stain on the carpet where I had spilled a soda and a mildewed spot on the coffee table where I had been setting my drinks. Being the perfectionist I am, I became discouraged with myself and yelled out, in my signature melodramatic fashion, "Everywhere I look I find another reason to hate myself." The last thing my mom needed at that time was an argument, but she is not the type of person who can remain silent when I start beating myself up. We began to argue, and eventually I said that all I ever do is to make her miserable. My mother told me that I was wrong and that most of the time I actually make her happy.

I desperately needed to hear that from her. The truth is that I had been viewing myself as a curse to others. I had felt as though there was nothing I could do but to make other people upset, uncomfortable, or miserable with my presence. Sometimes I even felt as though everyone would be better off if I wasn't around. Knowing that I actually made my mother happy shook my damaged perceptions of myself. Maybe I was completely wrong about myself.

I am a man of many faults. It is a lot easier for me to see my own faults than the faults of others, so I end up seeing myself as a bad person by comparison. Furthermore, being a perfectionist causes me to be constantly aware of my faults, and sometimes it causes me see faults I don't even really have. The truth is that we should not take our self-image from our faults or from comparing ourselves to others. We should look at ourselves as God looks at us. God looks past our faults and our shortcomings and sees our potential. God sees the people He created us to be. Why else would God call so many seemingly messed-up people to do great things?²

Maybe other people can see more to me than my faults and my shortcomings. Maybe other people don't put the same unrealistically high expectations on me that I put on myself. Maybe I can be open and honest about my brokenness and still be loved in spite of it. After all, I am not the only person in this world who has faults, and I am not the only person in this world who is broken. These things are true of each of us.

Historically, Valentine's Day has not exactly been my favorite holiday, but this year I made the decision not to spend the day feeling sorry for myself. I learned a long time ago that I am not, as the saying goes, "God's gift to women." Even so, I now realize that I am God's gift to someone. My mother always prays that she'll be a blessing to others. Essentially, a blessing is what each of us is called to be. Collectively, the followers of Christ are called the Body of Christ.³ This means that Christ continues to bless the world through His followers. In this way, I am called to be God's gift to other people. Maybe I am even called to be a blessing to someone in particular through my lifelong companionship.

No matter what faults you have, no matter what mistakes you have made, no matter how discouraged you feel, please realize that God sees past your faults and your shortcomings to the person He created you to be. Realize that you were created to be God's gift to other people. If you are unable to believe this about yourself, then I beg you to let Christ into your heart to bring healing into your life.


Notes:
1 - David A. Seamands. Healing for Damaged Emotions. 1981, David C. Cook.
I have referenced this book numerous times in my blog posts these last few months. This book is honestly one of the most wonderful books I have ever read. I strongly encourage you to read it, even if you don't think you have damaged emotions.
2 - Look at the stories of Gideon, King David, Jonah, St. Peter, and St. Paul for starters.
3 - "We have many parts in one body, but the parts don’t all have the same function. In the same way, though there are many of us, we are one body in Christ, and individually we belong to each other." ~ Roman 12:4-5 (CEB)


If you have any feedback, thoughts, stories, or even arguments to contribute, please leave comments.