Introspection: The Purposeless Undriven Life

I share these thoughts, hoping they are of help to someone else.

The Purpose(less) (un)Driven Life

Scripture:

So be careful how you live; be mindful of your steps. Don't run around like idiots as the rest of the world does. Instead, walk as the wise! Make the most of every living and breathing moment because these are evil times. So understand and be confident in God's will, and don't live thoughtlessly.

Ephesians 5:15-17 (The Voice)

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
This is your life, and today is all you've got now
Yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes

This is your life: Are you who you want to be?
This is your life: Are you who you want to be?
This is your life: Is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose?

From "This Is Your Life" by Switchfoot

In the summer of 2007, I had a part-time job at the university from which I had recently graduated, and I was looking for something more permanent. I attended a job fair, and, when I saw the intimidating job requirements for computer-programming jobs at local businesses, I began to feel as though I was ill-equipped for the job market, despite having a bachelor's degree in computer science. Afraid I would be unable to find a job, I decided to take some daytime classes at a local technical college in order to pad my resume.

As soon as I started taking these classes, I was contacted by a small business in my town. After a couple of meetings, I was offered a job as a software engineer. My future boss and my future supervisor then informed me that they would not allow me to work part time while I finished my courses. I had my heart set on finishing these courses, and it was already too late for me to drop the classes and receive a refund. I didn't want to abandon my classes, and I had a bad feeling about the company, but, without any work experience as a programmer, what option did I have but to accept the job offer? Upset and frustrated, I drove to my alma mater to take a walk around campus. I decided to take the job, and, luckily, my instructors allowed me to finish the courses online.

It has been nearly five years since I faced that difficult decision, but many times since then I have found myself returning to the walkways of my alma mater to clear my head, to collect my thoughts, or to simply get some much-needed exercise. The cultivated landscape of the campus juxtaposed to the untamed overgrowth of the surrounding woods evokes a sense of oneness and harmony between humanity and the Creator.

Last week, I visited the campus once again for a customary walk. As I turned a corner and was struck with the vivid green of the trees and the grass, I felt a twinge of sadness within my heart. To be honest, this was not an isolated incident: it is actually somewhat common for me to feel a little sad when I walk around campus. At first, I thought that the sadness resulted from nostalgia, for so often I find myself wishing that I could turn back time to when I was a freshman in college and relive my college experience.

As I took a closer look at my feelings last week, I realized that the sadness I felt was not from nostalgia but rather from regret. I want to turn back the clock, not so I can relive my college years, but so I can redo my college years.

In May of 2009, when I attended the Salkehatchie Summer Service¹ young-adult camp for the first time, I had the opportunity to spend an afternoon at the beach. As I walked on the beach, I saw a jellyfish that had washed up with the tide. I was reminded of an illustration I heard from one of my teachers when I was in school. Jellyfish typically don't swim: they simply float with the current. Because of this, they sometimes end up in undesirable situations, stranded on the beach to die, for example. Similarly, people should not float through life aimlessly, else they might suffer a fate similar to a beached jellyfish.

I had come to a personal understanding of that analogy, because I had been floating through life. The truth is that I had no ambitions, no aspirations, no hopes, no dreams, and no plans for my life: I simply did what was expected of me. I was always expected to attend college, so I attended college. I majored in computer science because it would enable me to get a job, as I was expected to do, though I knew, deep down, that I didn't really want a job in that field. I did what was expected of me, not putting any thought into what I truly wanted to do. I floated through college, and, instead of pursuing a life I truly loved, I became another "working class hero."

A few months after I graduated from college, I accepted a job as a computer engineer with a casino vendor. One evening shortly after I accepted this job, I took another walk around my alma mater and found myself feeling somewhat lost. I had done everything that was expected of me: I finished college and found a job. Now what? The recurring aches I experience while walking around campus had begun.

As time went by, my first job as a computer programmer turned out to be a job I really did not want, a job I hated telling people I did, a job I could not take seriously, a job that demanded more from me than I was willing to put into it. It was at this time in my life I realized the error of my ways. By floating through college, I had let a world of opportunities slip through my hands.

Each participant at the work camp I attended was asked to try to find a symbol that represented his or her experience. I chose the stranded jellyfish I had seen and confessed to everyone that I had floated through life and ended up somewhere I did not want to be. I told everyone that we all need to find the divine current in life, the path Christ has prepared for us, and to swim with it with all we have.²

This is why I experience feelings of longing when I take walks at my alma mater. This is why I want to rewind my life and redo my college experience. To be honest, I would actually need to rewind my life a few years beyond that. Not only did not fully engage my college experience, I did not fully engage my high-school experience either. For eleven years, I went to a religious school with strict rules and a "hellfire-and-brimstone" theology. I graduated at the top of my class, but, by the time of my senior year, I had already "checked out" in every other way. I feared hell more than I loved God, and I felt that, if I were to truly be a Christian, I would not enjoy life very much.

Furthermore, during my senior year I failed to prepare for college. I did not take the SAT until March, so it was already too late to apply to the colleges of choice, and I still did not have a driver's license. I ended up taking a year off between high school and college, and, besides being accepted to the only college to which I applied, the only thing I accomplished that year was completing driving lessons.

I wish I could rewind the last fourteen years - the latter half of my life - and do everything over again, knowing what I know now. I wish I had worked out my religious issues so that I could truly make the most of my high-school experience. I wish I had entered college with some sense of direction in life so that I could find a true calling and not just a job.

Jesus once told a story about three people who are each entrusted with a large sum of money. Two of them invest their money aggressively and double the amount they were given, while the third plays it safe and buries his money. When their boss returns, the first two are rewarded, and the third is severely punished.³ In this story, the rich man divvies up his money in amounts ironically called talents, but I believe that this parable is about so much more than how people should invest their money or their abilities. I am convinced that this story is about how people are called to invest their entire lives.⁴

Some people seek out their passion, that thing that drives them; they grab life by the horns; and they pursue their calling with all the gusto they can muster. These are the people represented by the first two servants who invest their talents boldly. These are the people who truly invest the lives God entrusted to them. Meanwhile, there are other people who simply drift through the currents of the world around them or end up burying themselves in a meaningless rut, letting life pass them by. Like the useless third servant, they bury all of their God-given potential and waste their lives.

I confess that, for much of my life, I have lived like the useless third servant, for I buried myself just like the servant buried his talent. I didn't do the hard work necessary to figure out what drives me, and I didn't seek out the path God was calling me to take in this life. I wasn't bold or adventurous enough to seek out new opportunities or to explore the God-given potential that lay sleeping within me.

Sadly, I will never have the chance to go back into the past to fix the mistakes I made in my life. I will never be able to recover the years I wasted drifting through life. I am still living with the regret of wasting the opportunities I was offered when I was younger. The good news, though, is that I do not have to keep making the same mistakes I made in the past. I am still alive, so it is not too late for me to do something with my life.

I am thankful that God gave me the opportunity to work in the gambling industry, for it taught me the consequences of living without purpose or direction in life. When I was laid off from that job, I sought another programming job, but I put more thought into where I wanted to work. I found a job in higher education, and, though I cannot say I am passionate about my job, I can say that now I take pride in what I do. Also, since I realized the error of my ways, I have unearthed and developed parts of myself that lay dormant, and this blog is proof of that. Thankfully, I have people in my life who believe in me and are pushing me and encouraging me as I explore these new pathways in my life.

In Jesus' story, the rich man invited the two servants who invested boldly to "enter into the joy of [their] master." The rich man sent the lazy third servant "into the outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."⁵ I can personally attest to the fact that, when one drifts through life into a dark place where he or she does not want to be, there is indeed a great deal of "weeping and gnashing of teeth." I can also attest to the fact that there is indeed joy in finding meaning and purpose in what one does.

I am convinced that usually the things we leave undone will come back to haunt us more than our missteps.⁶ To you the reader, I encourage you not to drift through life, but to live with purpose. If you are drifting right now, realize that, like a jellyfish stranded on the beach, you might end up somewhere you do not want to go. Instead, find what drives you and pursue your calling with all you have. If you have missed out on opportunities in the past, realize that regret does not have to be the end of the story, for while you are yet alive it is not too late to turn your life around.


Notes:
1 - http://www.salkehatchie.org/
2 - To read what I said that night, see my introspection "Jellyfish and Currents."
3 - Matthew 25:14-30
4 - For more thoughts on this reading of the Parable of the Talents, see my perspective "A Life, Unearthed."
5 - Matthew 25:23,30 (NRSV)
6 - If you want to see my scriptural basis for this belief, read all of Matthew 25.

The photograph of the landscape was taken by me at Furman University.  The photograph of the jellyfish was taken by Lee R. Berger and is used under the GNU Free Documentation License.


If you have any feedback, thoughts, stories, or even arguments to contribute, please leave comments.

Sermon: Guilty of Love

Delivered at Bethel United Methodist Church in West Greenville, South Carolina on May 13, 2012.

I share these thoughts, hoping they are of help to someone else.

Guilty of Love

Scripture:

Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ has been born of God, and everyone who loves the parent loves the child. By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and obey His commandments. For the love of God is this, that we obey His commandments. And His commandments are not burdensome, for whatever is born of God conquers the world. And this is the victory that conquers the world, our faith. Who is it that conquers the world but the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?

1 John 5:1-5 (NRSV)

And I will live

To carry your compassion

To love a world that's broken

To be Your hands and feet

And I will give

With the life that I've been given

And go beyond religion

To see the world be changed

By the power of Your Name

From "The Power of Your Name" by Lincoln Brewster

"If Christianity were illegal would there be enough evidence to convict you?"

When philosopher Peter Rollins saw this question on a bumper sticker, he was inspired to write a story about a dystopian world in which following Christ has been declared both subversive and illegal. In this story, the main character catches the attention of the authorities and is taken to court. The evidence is presented: photographs of the suspect attending worship services and speaking at church, worship CDs, religious books, poetry and other writings in the suspect's handwriting that declare a love for God, and a well-worn Bible full of underlinings and notes. The suspect is afraid being found guilty and executed but remains silent so as not to deny Christ, as the disciple Peter did when Christ was on trial. All of the evidence is considered, and the suspect is found...

not guilty.

Considering the abundance of evidence presented, it would be quite easy for one to think that the suspect is indeed a devout Christian. Even so, the evidence falls far short of proving that the suspect is truly a follower of Christ. The photographs only suggest that the suspect can speak well and perform well in public. The worship CDs only show that the suspect likes happy, hopeful music. The poetry and other writings about God only prove that the suspect is a good writer. The well-worn Bible and other religious books only prove that the suspect is well read and scholarly. Though the evidence presented is substantial, none of it can prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that the suspect is truly a disciple of Jesus Christ.¹

In a world in which people are put on trial for the crime of following Christ, what would it take for a person to be found guilty? I think that St. John offers us a clue toward the end of his first letter, where he writes:
Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ has been born of God, and everyone who loves the parent loves the child. By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and obey His commandments. For the love of God is this, that we obey His commandments.²

John's exhortation to obey God's commandments, to love God, and to love the children of God calls to mind an encounter between Jesus and an unnamed scholar of the Jewish Law. The scholar asks Jesus, "Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?" Jesus replies,
"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind." This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.³

Jesus said that the second greatest commandment to love one's neighbor is like the greatest commandment to love God, and John wrote, "Everyone who loves the parent loves the child." Perhaps Jesus did not really offer the religious scholar two different commandments but rather a single commandment stated in two different ways. Perhaps there is actually no distinction between loving God with all one's heart, soul, and mind and loving one's neighbor as oneself. Perhaps love for God and love for other people are actually inseparable, like two sides of the same coin. At another time, Jesus said to His disciples, "I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another."⁴ It would seem that following Christ, loving God, and loving other people are somehow inextricably linked.

God wants all of us to love each other, because God loves each and every one of us, God's children.

In the short film She, pastor Rob Bell recalls biking on a trail in the woods where he comes across a family of geese in his way. He tries to provoke them to scatter from the trail when the largest goose issues forth what he calls a "truly satanic noise" and "a sound that no human being should ever have to endure." By this time, Rob realizes that he has upset the mother. Still intent on intimidating the geese he backs up and begins walking toward them very quickly. The mother goose then assumes attack position, issues forth a hiss "straight from the pit of hell," and charges him. He then throws his bike over his shoulder for his own protection and runs down the trail in the opposite direction, away from the geese.⁵

Today, on Mother's Day, we celebrate the love of a mother for her children. As fierce and protective the love of a mother may be, it pales in comparison to the love that God, our heavenly Mother and Father, has for each of us. The love of God, like the love of a mother, is extended not only to good, obedient children, but to bad, wayward children as well. Remember Christ's Parable of the Prodigal Son: when the younger, wayward son returns home having squandered his part of the family fortune, the father, representing God, welcomes him home, throws him a party, and pleads with the bitter older son to join in the celebration.⁶ In this story, the father never gives up on either of his sons, good or bad.

Jon Acuff, on his website Stuff Christians Like, shares the story of hiring a moving company when he and his family moved from Atlanta to Nashville. The two men who helped them move their belongings showed up late, were argumentative, complained a lot, and made Jon's wife feel very uncomfortable. In a moment of frustration, Jon prayed that he would see the two movers the way that God sees them. At that moment, he heard God say to him, "They're two of My favorite people."⁷ That day, Jon learned that two people he couldn't stand were among God's billions of favorite people.

As Christians, we are so quick to dismiss and denounce people who do not believe like we do or behave like we do, but I wonder if God actually takes offense when we have such an attitude. When we say hateful things about people we don't like, perhaps, if we stop and listen, we can hear God saying to us, "That is my beloved child you're talking about." How much more is God offended when we actually act out of malice or hatred toward other people?

Because God loves each of us, we are called to love each other. One of the greatest treatises on love, in my humble opinion, was written by St. Paul in his first letter to the Corinthian church. Paul begins his discourse poetically:
If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.⁸
Here Paul reminds us that love is everything and that anything without love is nothingness itself. Perhaps we can articulate our faith with the wit and wisdom of C.S. Lewis and with the vulnerability and poignancy of Donald Miller, but, if we are not speaking in love, we are only making noise. Perhaps we have skills, talents, and abilities that border on the miraculous, but, if we do not show people love through these gifts, we have nothing to offer. Perhaps we share everything we own, but, if we are not sharing love, we are not sharing anything.

Paul continues his discourse, with a beautiful description of love:
Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.⁹
Love is not inwardly focused but outwardly focused. Love is not concerned with self-preservation or with getting its own way: love is concerned for the well-being of others. Love does not ask, "What can you do for me?" Instead, love asks, "What can I do for you?" These are beautiful insights into the true nature of love, but notice that nowhere in this treatise on love does Paul offer us a clear-cut definition of love. Love is like God in that it cannot truly be defined: it can only be experienced and then clumsily described with our faltering human language.

Paul concludes his discourse on love by saying, "And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love."¹⁰ Here Paul shocks us by saying that love is greater than hope or even faith. These can be challenging words when so often in the church we emphasize the necessity of faith and the hope for eternity. How can love possibly be more important than faith? Perhaps love, by its very nature, contains both faith and hope. Perhaps all people, Christian or otherwise, who truly love their fellow human beings already have faith and hope in something they don't necessarily realize.

Peter Rollins, in his book Insurrection, offers some additional thoughts about love. First, love does not exist in the sense that it "stands forth from the background": instead, love shows us that other people exist by ushering them from the background into our sight. Second, love does not declare itself to be sublime, beautiful, or glorious: instead, love shows us that other people are sublime, beautiful, and glorious. Third, love is not meaningful: instead, love saturates our lives with meaning.¹¹ "Love," Rollins says, "is so humble she hides away."¹²

When we truly love other people, the beliefs of our hearts are lived out in our actions. When we love, we affirm the divine importance of each and every individual as, not just someone worth dying for, but someone worth living for. When we love, we show the world our hope that there is more to life than simply "looking out for number one." When we love, we live out our faith that the world was meant for so much more than the hatred, violence, and poverty it now knows so well.

St. John, earlier in his letter, writes, "Beloved, let us love one another, because love is from God; everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, for God is love."¹³ John's proclamation that "everyone who loves is born of God and knows God" calls us to ask the question, What is an atheist? Perhaps true atheism is not just the rejection of some concept of God but the rejection of love itself, for "God is love." Perhaps the true atheist is not someone who refuses to believe in - let's face it - a very finite, human understanding of an infinite God, but someone who simply refuses to love. Perhaps a Christian who does not truly love is not really a Christian, and perhaps an atheist who truly does love is not really an atheist.

Later in the letter, John writes:
And [God's] commandments are not burdensome, for whatever is born of God conquers the world. And this is the victory that conquers the world, our faith. Who is it that conquers the world but the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?¹⁴
John has stated that "everyone who loves is born of God" and that "whatever is born of God conquers the world." What logically follows is the proclamation of the ancient poet Virgil, "Omnia vincit Amor" - "Love conquers all" - or, as Rob Bell might simply say, "Love wins."

Let us now return to the question at hand: In a world in which following Christ is a crime, what would it take to be found guilty beyond the shadow of a doubt? To be found guilty of truly following Christ, one must be found guilty of love, so who is it that will be found guilty of love?

Christ offers us a vision of the future when He ushers in His kingdom here on earth. To His right, He will gather the faithful, the "sheep," and to His left, He will gather the faithless, the "goats." Christ will turn to those at His right hand and say:
Come, you that are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world; for I was hungry and you gave Me food, I was thirsty and you gave Me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed Me, I was naked and you gave Me clothing, I was sick and you took care of Me, I was in prison and you visited Me... Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of My family, you did it to Me.
Christ will then turn to those at His left hand and say:
You that are accursed, depart from Me into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels; for I was hungry and you gave Me no food, I was thirsty and you gave Me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome Me, naked and you did not give Me clothing, sick and in prison and you did not visit Me... Truly I tell you, just as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.¹⁵

In this vision of the future, Christ has nothing to say about anyone's theology, doctrines, or religious beliefs. In fact we know nothing about the beliefs of anyone present except that the sheep did not believe they were helping Christ and that the goats did not believe they were neglecting Christ. In this vision, Christ only cares about how the love within a person's heart is made manifest in acts of kindness for the last, the least, and the lost. The sheep at Christ's right hand are the ones found guilty of love. There are witnesses to testify against them, for they fed the hungry, gave water to the thirsty, welcomed the stranger, clothed the naked, nursed the sick, and visited the prisoner. The people they served are the people with whom Christ directly identifies. The goats at Christ's left hand are acquitted of love, for there is no evidence whatsoever of love at work in their lives and no witnesses to testify against them. In their loveless lives, the goats both denied and neglected Christ, not in what they did, but in what they left undone.

Mother Teresa, who was renown for her work with the sick and impoverished in Calcutta, India, took Christ's vision of the future very literally. In an interview with Time magazine, when she was asked what her order did after their early-morning prayer time, she answered, "We try to pray through our work by doing it with Jesus, for Jesus, to Jesus. That helps us to put our whole heart and soul into doing it. The dying, the cripple, the mental, the unwanted, the unloved - they are Jesus in disguise."¹⁶ I don't think anybody would argue that Mother Teresa was not guilty of loving God and loving her neighbor.

"If Christianity were illegal, would there be enough evidence to convict you?"

If following Christ were a crime, would there be enough evidence to find you guilty beyond the shadow of a doubt of loving your neighbor as Christ loved you?

Amen.


Notes:
1 - Peter Rollins. The Orthodox Heretic and Other Impossible Tales. 2009, Paraclete Press. pp 3-9
2 - 1 John 5:1-3a (NRSV)
3 - Matthew 22:34-40 (NRSV quoted)
4 - John 13:35 (NRSV)
5 - Rob Bell. NOOMA She | 021. 2008, Flannel.
6 - Luke 15:11-32. See also: Ed Dobson. "The Father." Mars Hill Bible Church podcast, 07/04/10.
7 - Jon Acuff. Stuff Christians Like: "Seeing People." 06/22/11.
8 - 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 (NRSV)
9 - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NRSV)
10 - 1 Corinthians 13:13 (NRSV)
11 - Peter Rollins. Insurrection: To Believe is Human, To Doubt, Divine. 2011, Howard Books. pp 121-122
12 - Peter Rollins. "Pyro-theology." Mars Hill Bible Church podcast, 02/20/11.
13 - 1 John 4:7-8 (NRSV)
14 - 1 John 5:3b-5 (NRSV)
15 - Matthew 25:31-46 (NRSV quoted)
16 - Edward Desmond. "Interview with Mother Teresa: A Pencil In the Hand Of God." Time, December 4, 1989. (alternate link)

The images featured in this sermon are believed to be public domain.


If you have any feedback, thoughts, stories, or even arguments to contribute, please leave comments.

Introspection: Until the Ending Is Written

I share these thoughts, hoping they are of help to someone else.

Until the Ending Is Written

Scripture:

Actually, I don't have a sense of needing anything personally. I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.

Philippians 4:11-13 (The Message)

Now the story's played out like this

Just like a paperback novel

Let's rewrite an ending that fits

Instead of a Hollywood horror

From "Someday" by Nickelback

Sometimes our lives do not turn out the way we want, and sometimes even the best laid plans need to be abandoned.

In the early hours of New Year's Day, after I published my first blog post of 2012, my thoughts turned to the year ahead. As I pondered what I would write in the coming year, missing the vulnerability of my early days of blogging, a story came to mind. This is a story I was, at one time, hesitant to publish, but, as I lay in bed, unable to sleep, I decided that it might be time to put this story into writing and to share it with the world.

I wanted very much to share this story, but I had some serious reservations. Not long afterward, I met with my pastor and asked her for advice about the matter. She advised me to go ahead and write the story regardless of whether or not I decided to publish it. Immediately after our meeting, I began writing, and I continued writing late into the night. I finished my story and decided that I would publish it in early February.

I sent the story to my pastor, and she expressed some concerns about it. Taking her concerns into consideration, I decided to make some edits, still intending to publish the story when I had planned. When the day came for me to publish the story, she called me, having read my second draft, and strongly urged me to reconsider. She didn't think it was a bad story to share: she just didn't think I should share it with everybody at that time. I told her that I respected her opinion but that my mind was made up. I had spent hours and hours writing and polishing the story, and I had my heart set on sharing it. I proceeded to publish the story on this blog just as I had planned.

A few hours later, I decided to pull the story.

I finally realized why my pastor had concerns. The problem lay within the last paragraph: I was so eager to share this story with the world, I did not take the time to write a proper ending.

And therein lies the problem.

Let me backtrack a little to explain what I mean.

Last year, on the day before Valentine's Day, I experienced what I believe was a small miracle. I wanted to share this miracle with others, but, to capture what this happening truly meant to me, I had to share a much larger story. This story details a particular part of my life.

In Blue Like Jazz, writer Donald Miller discusses the four elements of a good story: setting, conflict, climax, and resolution. The setting and the conflict are self-explanatory. The climax is the moment in the story when a decisive action is taken that determines how the story will end. The resolution is the ending of the conflict, for better or for worse.¹ In the story I had written, the setting was my life, and the conflict was within my heart. I understood the climax to be the supposed miracle I experienced, a sign that God was acting decisively on my behalf. Unfortunately the last paragraph of the story betrayed the fact that the conflict within my heart has not yet been resolved.

Because there was no resolution to the conflict, the story I had written was not a good story. I cannot simply write a resolution because I am still living out the story in my life.

And that really sucks.

I intended to publish my story a few days before Valentine's Day because the miracle coincided with Valentine's Day the year before. Sadly, my ambitious schedule did not allow enough time for a true ending to be written. Ironically, Valentine's Day, for many people like myself, serves as a bitter reminder that our stories are not written to the extent we would like. While lovers give chocolates to their beloved ones, many of the rest of us find our teeth set on edge from sour grapes. Some of us would even like to rename the holiday "Singleness Awareness Day." For many of us, chronic singleness is one of those conflicts in our stories we wish was resolved.

When St. Paul was a young man, I doubt he would have been happy to know that some of his story would take place in prison; after he was imprisoned, however, he wrote a surprisingly joyful letter to the church in Philippi. In this letter, Paul stated that he had found the secret to contentment regardless of his circumstances. He had learned to simply live in his story whatever it was like at the time, whether he was rich or poor, filled or hungry, free or imprisoned. Paul knew that he was not living his story by himself: he knew that God was with him, strengthening him every step of the way.

There are a lot of things in my life that I wish were resolved, my seemingly interminable singleness included. I have been told in the past that singleness is a gift and that it should be enjoyed. I am now starting to understand what that means. I am learning that I have to live in my story right were it is right now. I cannot force the endings of the stories of my life to be written. I have to patiently let these stories write themselves, and I must trust in God to lead me to positive resolutions to the conflicts in my life.

As King Solomon wrote, "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven."² I believe there will someday be a time for me to share with the world the story I am still writing, but that time is not now.³ Time is a funny thing: we aren't given enough to waste, but we are, I believe, given enough time to do what we need to do without rushing through life. Life is a journey, not a race or a destination. Wherever you are right now, whatever your circumstances, may you learn to live in your story right where it is with patience, contentment, and faith.


Notes:
1 - Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality. 2003, Thomas Nelson. Ch 3
2 - Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NRSV)
3 - If you want a very vague idea of what the story was about, see my introspection "God's Gift to Someone."

The photograph featured in this introspection is public domain.


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