Introspection: Why I Envy the Prodigal Son

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.

Comments are always welcomed.

Why I Envy the Prodigal Son

Come to me, all you who are struggling hard and carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. Put on My yoke, and learn from Me. I'm gentle and humble. And you will find rest for yourselves. My yoke is easy to bear, and My burden is light.

Matthew 11:28-30 (CEB)

Carry on My wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

From "Carry On My Wayward Son" by Kansas

In 2008, a group of atheists in Great Britain began taking out advertisements on the sides of buses. These ads, which were posted in direct response to ads posted by Christian organizations, said, "There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life." Since that time, similar advertisements have appeared in other countries.¹ Christians often refer to the story of God's grace shown to us through Jesus Christ as the Gospel. The word Gospel literally means "Good News." The ads posted as a part of the Atheist Bus Campaign, on the other hand, imply that the existence of God is both a reason to worry and a reason to not enjoy life.

Something does not add up here. Apparently, God has been grossly misrepresented, for some people are not hearing any good news from Christians whatsoever.

Sadly, I understand exactly how these atheists feel.

Jesus once told a story about a rich man who has two sons. One day, the younger of the two sons asks his father for his share of the family fortune, and the father decides to give him his inheritance. The son then leaves his father's house, moves far, far away, and begins to live a life of "wine, women, and song." Eventually, the young man runs out of money, and he can no longer afford his hedonistic lifestyle. Worse yet, a famine hits the land at the same time, and he begins to go hungry. He goes out and finds a job working for a pig farmer.

As the young man looks longingly at the crud he's feeding the pigs, he remembers his father and recalls how well his father treats the household servants. He decides to return home and beg his father to hire him as a servant. As the wayward son nears his home, rehearsing what he is going to say to his father, his father runs out to embrace him. The father doesn't listen as his son tries to make his speech; instead, he calls his servants and tells them to dress his son in the finest clothes they can find and to get everything ready for his son's welcome-home party, complete with a steak dinner.

Meanwhile, the older son is out taking care of his father's estate, and he hears the party going on. He asks one of the household staff what is going on, and he learns that his brother has returned and that his father has thrown him a welcome-home party. The older son is livid. His worthless brother leaves home, squanders his share of the family fortune, comes home, and is treated like a king! He, on the other hand, has never given his father any trouble and has even spent years busting his hump working for him. Where was his party? He confronts his father about this injustice, and his father replies, "Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. But we had to celebrate and rejoice, because this brother of yours was dead and has come to life; he was lost and has been found."²

I believe that when we read the Bible we should try to find ourselves within it's pages. This parable is an easy part of Scripture to do that very thing. Some people identify with the prodigal, looking back on their past mistakes and remembering how God, like the father in the story, has graciously welcomed them home. Others identify with the older brother. They have tried to walk the straight and narrow path their entire lives, but their lives haven't turned out the way they wanted. They feel as though God has somehow cheated them.

If you asked me where I see myself in this story, I would say that I see myself in the older brother. Like the older brother, I have always been a "good kid." I have made some mistakes in my life, but they were all "good kid" mistakes. I have never gotten into any serious trouble or fouled up my life to the extent that the Prodigal Son did. Sometimes, like the older brother, I find myself angry that my life isn't more of a party when I have behaved so well in my life.

A few months ago, as part of a Bible study, I had the opportunity to spend a week meditating on this very parable. As I placed myself into the story, I made some very disturbing observations about the parable and about myself.

Notice what the older son says to his father:
For all these years I have been working like a slave for you, and I have never disobeyed your command; yet you have never given me even a young goat so that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came back, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fatted calf for him!

Let me repeat that first part:
For all these years I have been working like a slave for you.

The older son compares himself to a slave.

He doesn't enjoy his life very much, does he?

I think that these two sons are actually much more alike than we might initially think. First, it seems as though neither of the two sons actually wanted to live with his father and work for him. The only real difference between the two is that the younger son actually left and did what he wanted to do while the older son stayed at home, not because it was what he wanted to do but because it was what he was supposed to do. I think that maybe, the older son might have even envied his younger brother who actually got the chance to live a carefree life while he was stuck at home, "working like a slave."

Second, neither of the two sons really seems to know his father very well: neither of them really understands how gracious he really is. The younger son comes home intending to beg his father to allow him to come home as a hired worker. Instead, the father lavishes grace upon him, embracing him and throwing him a welcome-home party. The older son has been breaking his back trying to earn his father's approval when he has had it the entire time. He complains that the father butchered the fatted calf to provide food for his brother's party but has never even given him a young goat so that he could have a party with his friends. A young goat does not make much of a feast.³ To that, the father says, "What's mine is yours." In other words, the older son could have had a steak dinner with his friends any time he wanted.

When most people hear this parable, they focus on the journey of the prodigal and the grace of the father. To many, the mention of the older brother is more of an afterthought. Still, I wonder if this parable was actually intended for all the proverbial "older brothers" out there.

Some people believe in God, but they don't really believe in God's grace. Sure, they will say, as the Bible says over and over again, that God is "merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness." They might even consciously think that; however, their lives tell a much different story. These people say nothing good about themselves: anything they do say about themselves starts out with the words, "Well, I'm just a sinner." Their thoughts are dominated by the words should and ought - "I should have done this" - "I ought to be more like that." Every Bible passage, every sermon, every book about Christian living, every "word from the Lord" is warped into another invitation to beat themselves up for "missing the mark" and "falling short of the glory of God." They're constantly haunted by feelings that God isn't very happy with them.⁴

I know for a fact that these people exist.

I am one of them.

Lately, people have been calling me out for being too hard on myself. When they do, I feel like I'm not being hard enough on myself. The truth is that they're exactly right: I beat myself up on the inside every chance I get. I beat myself up for the mistakes I make. I beat myself up for not living up to other people's expectations. I beat myself up because I feel like I don't sacrifice enough for God and for other people. I keep fearing that God's will for my life is something that will make me extremely unhappy, and I beat myself up for that, thinking that if I truly loved God, I would joyfully do anything that God wanted from me.

I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of beating myself up. I'm tired of living with the constant "should's" and "ought's." I envy the Prodigal Son. I envy free-spirited people who can simply enjoy their lives without feeling guilty about enjoying their lives. I wish that the words "young and wild and free" described me, but they don't. I don't even feel very young, and I am not even thirty years old. I want to "stop worrying and enjoy my life."

The father in the parable represents God. The older son compares himself to a slave, but the truth is that God is not a very big fan of slavery. The Book of Exodus tells the story of the Israelites' liberation from cruel slavery in Egypt. The Exodus story tells us that God heard the cry of the Israelites, led them out of Egypt, and poured out holy terror on the people who had been oppressing them. God hates slavery, so it is an error to think of God as a slave driver.

Jesus once said, "Come to Me, all you who are struggling hard and carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. Put on My yoke, and learn from Me. I'm gentle and humble. And you will find rest for yourselves. My yoke is easy to bear, and My burden is light." Jesus also had harsh words for religious leaders who overburdened people: "How terrible for you legal experts too! You load people down with impossible burdens and you refuse to lift a single finger to help them."⁵ Jesus promises a light burden, an easy yoke, and rest for the weary. If trying to live a Christian life feels more like a "millstone about the neck," then something has gone horribly wrong. God hates oppression of all kinds, so, if our image of God is oppressive, then there is something wrong with our theology.

God is not a slave driver or an oppressor. God is a loving parent who dearly loves His children. Like any loving parent, God wants His children to enjoy their lives. God wants all of His children to enjoy their lives. Any "thou shalt not" that God offers us is meant to keep us from hurting ourselves or to keep us from hurting each other. Actually, the only thing that God really wants from us is to love - to love God and to love each other. Any other rule is meant to help us to love.⁶ "To love your neighbor as you love yourself" does not mean to meet everyone's expectations of you or to ensure that everyone around you is happy. That's too much to ask of anyone.

There is one other reason that I envy the Prodigal Son. At the end of the story, the Prodigal Son got to know his father a lot better, and he came to a better understanding of his father's grace. A few months ago, I wrote that I felt tired and that I realized my need to pray for peace.⁷ I now realize that the peace I truly desire is the peace that comes from truly knowing God's grace. I want the peace that comes from knowing God's unmerited favor and unconditional love in spite of my many flaws.⁸ I now understand why the words grace and peace are so often coupled together.

Right now, according to the Church calendar, it is the season of Lent, a time of reflection and repentance that starts with Ash Wednesday and ends with Easter. Often people give up something they enjoy for the duration of Lent as an exercise in relying on God. Weeks before Lent started, I realized that I am somewhat dependent on caffeine, so I decided to give up coffee and other caffeinated beverages. Since then, I have decided to break my Lenten fast. I have decided to give up some of my "supposed to's" so that I may instead rely on God's grace. In fact, I drank coffee as I prepared much of this introspection.

The Parable of the Prodigal Son means many things to many people. It's a story about bad theology. It's a story about people who leave God behind because their image of God is horribly flawed. It's a story about unhappy Christians who don't realize how loving, kind, and generous God truly is. It's a story about people who just want to enjoy their lives. Most of all, it's a story about grace. If you don't believe that the existence of God is a reason to enjoy life then you don't really know who God is.

May God's grace and peace be with you.


Notes:

1. Wikipedia: Atheist Bus Campaign
2. Luke 15:11-32 (NRSV)
3. I think that Jon Acuff pointed out this little detail on Stuff Christians Like, but I'm not sure.
4. David A. Seamands addresses people like this in Healing for Damaged Emotions. 1991, David C. Cook Books.
5. Luke 11:46 (CEB)
6. Matthew 22:34-40
7. I wrote about this in my introspection "I've Always Been Thirsty"
8. For an amazing description of grace, go to the following link and read the fourth paragraph from the end: http://www.religion-online.org/showchapter.asp?title=378&C=84

The photograph featured in this introspection was taken by Dan Etherington, and it used under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license. The photographer is in no way affiliated with this blog.

Introspection: Love and Potato Salad

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.

Comments are always welcomed.

Love and Potato Salad

When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, reason like a child, think like a child.  But now that I have become a man, I’ve put an end to childish things.  Now we see a reflection in a mirror; then we will see face-to-face.  Now I know partially, but then I will know completely in the same way that I have been completely known.

1 Corinthians 13:11-12 (CEB)

She said, "If we're gonna make this work

You gotta let me inside even though it hurts

Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"

She said, "Like it or not, it's the way it's gotta be

You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

From "Whatever It Takes" by Lifehouse

A few years ago, I attended what is sometimes called a "progressive dinner."  If you are not familiar with the concept, people gather at one person's residence for appetizers and then progress to another person's residence for the main course.  After dinner, everyone progresses to a third residence for dessert.  These types of dinners are usually potluck style, meaning that most everyone in attendance brings something.

I knew that a lot of my friends were going to be there and wanted to do something special for them, so I decided to make something from scratch instead of simply bringing a drink or something pre-made from a grocery store.  The deviled eggs that I prepared for the previous year's dinner were greatly enjoyed, so I thought that a logical progression would be to bring a batch of potato salad which, at least in my neck of the woods, contains essentially the same ingredients plus potatoes.

I went out to the grocery store and bought fresh ingredients.  I peeled, boiled, and chopped up the potatoes.  I hard-boiled, shelled, and chopped up the eggs.  I mixed them together with mayonnaise, mustard, and pickle relish.  All the while, I thought about my friends enjoying the potato salad in the same way they enjoyed the deviled eggs.  It always does my heart good to see people enjoying food I bring to a gathering.

Hardly anyone touched it.

My feelings were hurt.  Throughout the dinner I felt a mixture of disappointment, rejection, and insult.  I spent several hours out of my Saturday afternoon making the stuff when I could have been doing something else.  I put a lot of effort and hope into it, and yet only a few people ate any of it.

Do you have any idea what was wrong with the potato salad I made?

Absolutely nothing.

I actually made some very good potato salad.  In fact, I enjoyed the abundance of leftovers with my family for several meals after the dinner.  I know that the people at the dinner did not pass over my potato salad as a personal insult to me: I doubt that most of them even realized that I was the one who brought it.  The only problem was the fact that I happened to bring potato salad to a party where most of the people present either did not like potato salad or did not want potato salad that particular night.

It wasn't my fault,

nor was it theirs.

It just was.

Love can be a lot like potato salad.

In the past, Valentine's Day has been a bitter reminder of all the romantic rejection I have experienced in my life.  While other people enjoyed chocolates in boxes shaped like hearts, given to them by their loved ones, my teeth were set on edge by sour grapes.  The romantic love I wanted always seemed to remain helplessly out of reach.  This year, as I look toward Valentine's Day, which is only a few days away, I find myself much more at peace with the fact that I am still single.  In fact, in the past year I have actually started to truly enjoy my life as a single person.

For many years, I nursed wounds I received when I was a teenager, wounds that left me believing that there was something horribly wrong with me and that I was, for some reason, completely undesirable.  The rejection I faced in the time since then only seemed to confirm these feelings.  Through a long process that has included, among other things, a certain book, a few key email correspondences with friends, a random pink flower, some writing, and a lot of contra dancing, God has brought healing into my life.

I have a friend who is a campus minister.  Regarding matters of the heart, he always tells the students he pastors to be bold and to let people know how they feel.  I've always had a hard time being bold in light of all the rejection I've faced over the years.  A couple of years ago, amid feelings of rejection, I emailed my friend, asking him how to not take rejection personally.  I asked him how I could deal with rejection without feeling inadequate, unattractive, undesirable, and unlovable and without wanting to crawl back under the proverbial rock from whence I came.

My friend replied to me, saying that the rejection I had experienced was not about me but about the women who had rejected me.  He said that for a romantic relationship to develop, both people have to want it.  He said that I cannot force a relationship and that all I can do is to put myself out there and see what happens.

My friend's reply never left me, but it took me a long time to truly take this lesson to heart.  I had to realize that the rejection I had faced in the past was never a failure on my part to be lovable or desirable but was always the choice of the woman who rejected me.  It was utterly impossible for me to control her decision, no matter how flawed or perfect I might happen to be.  When I offer my heart to someone, it is always her prerogative to hand it back to me.  Whenever I was rejected by someone in the past, it was not because there was something inherently wrong with me; after all, the people in this world who have found love are all imperfect.  The truth is that she rejected me simply because she didn't want a relationship with me.

It wasn't my fault,

nor was it hers.

It just was,

and it sucked.

At the same time, I had to realize that I had been sabotaging my own search for love by seeking it for the wrong reasons.  I think that, a lot of the time, I was seeking a status or a milestone more than I was seeking someone with whom to share my life.  There were times when I wanted a girlfriend more than I actually wanted the girl.  I think that I also wanted someone to prove me wrong about myself, to prove that I wasn't unlovable or undesirable, to erase all the pain of rejection I had experienced in the past.

Since then, I have learned that when I encounter someone without having an agenda, I can get to know her for who she really is and not for who I want her to be.  Without the pressure of trying to convince her that I'm the perfect man for her, I allow her to get to know me for who I really am as well.  It is only in these conditions that true bonds can form and true friendships can grow.

If you are in a relationship with someone, enjoy being in a relationship.  If you are still single, enjoy being single.  Don't be in a rush to fall in love with someone, because true love cannot grow in such harsh conditions.  If you are still hurting from the rejection you faced in the past, realize that it is not all about you, for you cannot control the feelings or decisions of other people.  One cannot force love to grow any more than one can force flowers to grow.  Don't let the disappointment you experienced in the past keep you from opening your heart to someone in the present.  Get to know people for who they are and let them get to know you for who you are.


The image featured in this perspective is public domain.