Introspection: Love and Potato Salad

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.

Comments are always welcomed.

Love and Potato Salad

When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, reason like a child, think like a child.  But now that I have become a man, I’ve put an end to childish things.  Now we see a reflection in a mirror; then we will see face-to-face.  Now I know partially, but then I will know completely in the same way that I have been completely known.

1 Corinthians 13:11-12 (CEB)

She said, "If we're gonna make this work

You gotta let me inside even though it hurts

Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"

She said, "Like it or not, it's the way it's gotta be

You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

From "Whatever It Takes" by Lifehouse

A few years ago, I attended what is sometimes called a "progressive dinner."  If you are not familiar with the concept, people gather at one person's residence for appetizers and then progress to another person's residence for the main course.  After dinner, everyone progresses to a third residence for dessert.  These types of dinners are usually potluck style, meaning that most everyone in attendance brings something.

I knew that a lot of my friends were going to be there and wanted to do something special for them, so I decided to make something from scratch instead of simply bringing a drink or something pre-made from a grocery store.  The deviled eggs that I prepared for the previous year's dinner were greatly enjoyed, so I thought that a logical progression would be to bring a batch of potato salad which, at least in my neck of the woods, contains essentially the same ingredients plus potatoes.

I went out to the grocery store and bought fresh ingredients.  I peeled, boiled, and chopped up the potatoes.  I hard-boiled, shelled, and chopped up the eggs.  I mixed them together with mayonnaise, mustard, and pickle relish.  All the while, I thought about my friends enjoying the potato salad in the same way they enjoyed the deviled eggs.  It always does my heart good to see people enjoying food I bring to a gathering.

Hardly anyone touched it.

My feelings were hurt.  Throughout the dinner I felt a mixture of disappointment, rejection, and insult.  I spent several hours out of my Saturday afternoon making the stuff when I could have been doing something else.  I put a lot of effort and hope into it, and yet only a few people ate any of it.

Do you have any idea what was wrong with the potato salad I made?

Absolutely nothing.

I actually made some very good potato salad.  In fact, I enjoyed the abundance of leftovers with my family for several meals after the dinner.  I know that the people at the dinner did not pass over my potato salad as a personal insult to me: I doubt that most of them even realized that I was the one who brought it.  The only problem was the fact that I happened to bring potato salad to a party where most of the people present either did not like potato salad or did not want potato salad that particular night.

It wasn't my fault,

nor was it theirs.

It just was.

Love can be a lot like potato salad.

In the past, Valentine's Day has been a bitter reminder of all the romantic rejection I have experienced in my life.  While other people enjoyed chocolates in boxes shaped like hearts, given to them by their loved ones, my teeth were set on edge by sour grapes.  The romantic love I wanted always seemed to remain helplessly out of reach.  This year, as I look toward Valentine's Day, which is only a few days away, I find myself much more at peace with the fact that I am still single.  In fact, in the past year I have actually started to truly enjoy my life as a single person.

For many years, I nursed wounds I received when I was a teenager, wounds that left me believing that there was something horribly wrong with me and that I was, for some reason, completely undesirable.  The rejection I faced in the time since then only seemed to confirm these feelings.  Through a long process that has included, among other things, a certain book, a few key email correspondences with friends, a random pink flower, some writing, and a lot of contra dancing, God has brought healing into my life.

I have a friend who is a campus minister.  Regarding matters of the heart, he always tells the students he pastors to be bold and to let people know how they feel.  I've always had a hard time being bold in light of all the rejection I've faced over the years.  A couple of years ago, amid feelings of rejection, I emailed my friend, asking him how to not take rejection personally.  I asked him how I could deal with rejection without feeling inadequate, unattractive, undesirable, and unlovable and without wanting to crawl back under the proverbial rock from whence I came.

My friend replied to me, saying that the rejection I had experienced was not about me but about the women who had rejected me.  He said that for a romantic relationship to develop, both people have to want it.  He said that I cannot force a relationship and that all I can do is to put myself out there and see what happens.

My friend's reply never left me, but it took me a long time to truly take this lesson to heart.  I had to realize that the rejection I had faced in the past was never a failure on my part to be lovable or desirable but was always the choice of the woman who rejected me.  It was utterly impossible for me to control her decision, no matter how flawed or perfect I might happen to be.  When I offer my heart to someone, it is always her prerogative to hand it back to me.  Whenever I was rejected by someone in the past, it was not because there was something inherently wrong with me; after all, the people in this world who have found love are all imperfect.  The truth is that she rejected me simply because she didn't want a relationship with me.

It wasn't my fault,

nor was it hers.

It just was,

and it sucked.

At the same time, I had to realize that I had been sabotaging my own search for love by seeking it for the wrong reasons.  I think that, a lot of the time, I was seeking a status or a milestone more than I was seeking someone with whom to share my life.  There were times when I wanted a girlfriend more than I actually wanted the girl.  I think that I also wanted someone to prove me wrong about myself, to prove that I wasn't unlovable or undesirable, to erase all the pain of rejection I had experienced in the past.

Since then, I have learned that when I encounter someone without having an agenda, I can get to know her for who she really is and not for who I want her to be.  Without the pressure of trying to convince her that I'm the perfect man for her, I allow her to get to know me for who I really am as well.  It is only in these conditions that true bonds can form and true friendships can grow.

If you are in a relationship with someone, enjoy being in a relationship.  If you are still single, enjoy being single.  Don't be in a rush to fall in love with someone, because true love cannot grow in such harsh conditions.  If you are still hurting from the rejection you faced in the past, realize that it is not all about you, for you cannot control the feelings or decisions of other people.  One cannot force love to grow any more than one can force flowers to grow.  Don't let the disappointment you experienced in the past keep you from opening your heart to someone in the present.  Get to know people for who they are and let them get to know you for who you are.


The image featured in this perspective is public domain.