Notes from the Wayside: Introspection: My Eleven-Year Identity Crisis

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My Eleven-Year Identity Crisis

O Lord, You have searched me and known me.

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

You discern my thoughts from far away.

You search out my path and my lying down,

and are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue,

O Lord, You know it completely.

Psalm 139:1-4 (NRSV)

I wonder if the things I did were just to be different

To spare myself of the constant shame of my existence

And I would surely redeem myself in my desperation

Here and now I'll express my situation

From "Burning Bright" by Shinedown

As I stated previously, my goal for this year is to become more courageous. As far as I know, the only way to become more courageous is to practice courage, so, for my first step in this year of courage, I decided to take The Authenticity Challenge.¹

The Authenticity Challenge was written by Sarah Heath, United Methodist pastor and creator of the Sonderlust podcast.² This book contains three weeks of daily challenges which are meant to help the participant cultivate authenticity and contentment. The first week's challenges concern authenticity in one's personal life; the second week's challenges concern authenticity in one's job or vocation; and the third week's challenges concern authenticity in one's spirituality. The first challenge of each week spans the entire week.

I bought this book in the middle of last year, but I had yet to start working through it. I decided to take the plunge now, because I figured that submitting myself to daily challenges I had not reviewed beforehand would require some courage on my part. Furthermore, I know firsthand that it requires courage to be authentic in the face of other people's expectations.

The Authenticity Challenge didn't require too much courage from me, but I think it might have given me a bit of an identity crisis. Actually, I think it has shown me that I might have been going through an identity crisis for the last eleven years or so.

One of the first-week challenges was to take a personality test and to learn more about my personality type. Because I have already learned a lot about the Enneagram and my personality type according to this system, I decided to find out what another personalty typing system might teach me about myself. I chose the Myers-Briggs system, in which personality types are based on four aspects of how a person lives and interacts with the world. I took an test online,³ and, when I was finished, I was informed about my personality type.

I will not disclose my personality type at this time, because I don't feel that my test results were conclusive. I think the test might have yielded different results if I had just answered a question or two differently, or if I had just answered some questions with a little more certainty. What was conclusive about my test results was that my personality type was one of the introverted types. Quite frankly, I was rather disappointed.

For most of my life I believed that I was an introvert. I was pegged as one when I was a child because I tended to be shy and quiet. That said, a few years ago, I realized that there is evidence that I might actually be an extravert. Exhibit A is that, though I like having time to myself like an introvert, I typically spend such time in public places like coffee shops and bookstores. Exhibit B is that, while introverts are drained by social interactions, I have trouble sleeping after I go contra dancing, even though I'm physically tired. Exhibit C is that, like an extravert, I like to talk about myself. Furthermore, I've known sociable, talkative people who claim that they're introverts. Why couldn't the opposite be true?

I actually jumped at the chance to believe that I was an extravert and not an introvert. Even though I had heard that introverts actually have certain advantages in life, I never viewed my supposed introversion as anything but a bad thing. Introversion was something I needed to overcome if I was ever to live the life I wanted. Truth be told, introversion would explain why I like to be alone with my thoughts, even if I happen to be alone in a public place, why I don't like large crowds, even though I like being around people, and why I'm quiet around people until I feel comfortable around them.

Speaking of introversion and contra dancing, a couple of weeks ago, on a Saturday evening, I decided not to attend a contra dance. Six months ago, I started contra dancing again, and, though I've enjoyed it, going dancing is often something I have to make myself do. That evening, after I ate dinner, I found myself in a coffee shop as the only customer, and I may or may not have had an anxiety attack. My heart was beating hard, and I was somewhat short of breath. I felt like I had made a big mistake. I texted my mother, and, over text, she talked me down.

The experience left me with a lot of questions about myself. Why would I opt out of a contra dance? Why do I have to make myself go dancing if I enjoy it so much? Have I been trying to be someone I'm not? If so, how long has this been going on? Did I just take up contra dancing so that I could say that at least some of my interests aren't nerdy or weird? If so, what else did I start doing so that I could be different than I was? Did I start preaching, teaching, and writing so that I could me more than a computer programmer? Have I been exploring and cultivating parts of myself that have previously lain dormant, or have I just been constructing another "false self"? How authentically have I been living?

However I answer these questions, the fact of the matter is that I couldn't - or rather wouldn't - accept myself as an introverted computer nerd. As P.T. Barnum says in The Greatest Showman, "I wanted to be more than I was."⁴

I think I have indeed been developing previously dormant parts of myself and not merely building a facade. I say this because I didn't utterly crash and burn when I set out to do the things I started doing and because I've found these things personally rewarding. I've been writing somewhat consistently for eleven years, and I have been certified to preach in my denomination. People have told me how much they enjoy my writing, and just recently a friend of mine told me what my latest sermon meant to her. I also happen to be a decent dancer.

When people ask me to preach or write for them, I feel honored, but, when people ask me to do something for them that is more tech-related, I feel annoyed. The truth - aside from the fact that forty hours of tech-related work per week is enough for me - is that I don't want people to think of me as a computer programmer. That said, some parts of The Authenticity Challenge helped me to see that my job as a computer programmer is not a bad fit for me. I bring the same curiosity and creativity to my job that I bring to my preaching and writing, and I have many reasons to be grateful for my job.

People cannot be adequately defined by personality traits, interests, and occupations, for we are more than all of these things. I am a computer programmer, and I am also a writer, a teacher, and a preacher. I am a nerd, and I am also a dancer. I have some qualities that are more introverted and others that are more extraverted. I need to learn to accept all parts of myself and not only the parts I think are most attractive.

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