Introspection: "Pain" Is Not My Middle Name

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"Pain" Is Not My Middle Name

Weeping may linger for the night,
but joy comes with the morning.

Psalm 30:5b (NRSV)

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

From "King of Pain" by The Police

A couple of years ago, during a church Bible study, the subject of the importance of names came up, and I had the opportunity to consider the meaning of my own name.  My first name Anthony is derived from an ancient Roman surname.¹  You might remember that Cleopatra, a queen of Egypt, had a Roman lover named Marcus Antonius or Mark Antony.  My mother gave me this name simply because she liked it, but I always thought it was a weird name.  When I applied to college, I officially started going by the shortened version Tony.

My last name Snyder is the anglicized form of the German name Schneider, which means "tailor."²  I've never really looked into my ancestry, but I suppose it is possible that one of my ancestors might have lived in central Europe and tailored clothes for a living.

My middle name Benjamin, which I share with my maternal grandfather, is a Hebrew name found in the Bible.  Until just a couple of weeks ago, I mistakenly thought that it means "son of my pain."  As a generally melancholy person who has had some painful experiences in life,³ I thought that the name fits me pretty well.

There's a red kite caught in a leaf-bare tree.
("That's my soul up there.")

Because I follow the Daily Lectionary for my personal Bible studies, I read much of the Book of Genesis every three years.  Most of this book tells the story of a particular family that has a special relationship with God.  What always stands out to me about this story are the names people are given.  Names are very important in the Bible, because they always reveal something about the people to whom they are given.  Sometimes the names themselves tell a story.  Some people are even given new names at critical points in their lives.  For example, Jacob, whose name literally means "heel,"⁴ spends his life wrestling what he wants away from other people,⁵ but, after he finds himself in a wrestling match with God, he is given the name Israel, which means "God-wrestler."⁶

At one point in the Book of Genesis, a woman named Rachel dies after she gives birth to her second son.  Having gone through an especially painful delivery, she names her son Benoni just before she dies.⁷  This name means "son of my pain."⁸  Rachel's husband Jacob loves his wife and will miss her dearly, but, because he does not want to forever associate his son with the death of his wife, he changes his son's name to Benjamin,⁹ which means "son of good fortune," or "strong son," or "right-hand son."¹⁰

When I encountered this story a couple of weeks ago, I realized that I had associated my middle name with the wrong meaning.  I thought that my middle name is associated with pain and loss, but, in reality, it is associated with things like strength, favor, and luck.

Four years ago, I realized that the story I tend to tell myself about my life is one of pain and loss, and I realized that I need to spend less time lamenting what I've lost and to spend more time appreciating the good things in my life.  Truth be told, the last few years have not helped me very much in this regard.  I've suffered additional losses, including the losses of family members; I've endured some stressful times; and I now possess a nagging anxiety I did not have four years ago.  Recently catching the mistake I had made regarding my middle name reminded me that I should not consider the story my life to be one of pain and loss, and it made me see that perhaps I should consider it a story of strength and blessing.

In the Book of Ruth, we read the story of a woman named Naomi, who has to leave her home with her family to survive a famine.  In a short span of time, she loses her husband and both of her sons.¹¹  When she returns to her hometown with her daughter-in-law, she tells her friends not to call her Naomi but to instead call her Mara.¹²  The name Naomi means "pleasant," but the name Mara means "bitter."¹³  In a recent sermon about this book, Brian Zahnd said, "In times of great pain, don't be too quick to assume that your story has been fully told."¹⁴  Naomi has suffered some bitter losses, but in time she will experience great joy once again.¹⁵

A lot of people tend to overly identify with their pain, and I must confess that I am guilty of doing the same thing.  For a number of years, I even thought that pain was literally built into my name, but now I see that I was wrong.  If I was wrong about my name, then I may be just as wrong about the story of my life.  Though the pain in my life is very real part of my story, it is not the totality of my story.  I need to focus less on the pain I've felt and to focus more on the inner strength I've shown and the blessedness I've experienced.


Notes:

1. Wikipedia: "Anthony"
2. Wikipedia: "Snyder (surname)"
3. We all have painful experiences in life, but I have a tendency to fixate on mine.
4. Wikipedia: "Jacob"
5. Genesis 25:19-34; 27:1-28:5; 30:25-31:2
6. Genesis 32:22-32 (The Message)
7. Genesis 35:16-18a
8. Wikipedia: "Benjamin"
9. Genesis 35:18b
10. Name meanings were taken from The Message and from the footnotes in the Common English Bible.
11. Ruth 1:1-5
12. Ruth 1:19-21
13. Name meanings were taken from the footnotes in the Common English Bible.
14. Brian Zahnd.  "Ruth: A Subversive Romance: Moab."  Word of Life Church, 07/09/2023.
15. Ruth 4:13-16

The photograph featured in this introspection was taken by me in late 2022 at Poinsett Park in Travelers Rest, South Carolina.