Introspection: Struggling with Forgiveness

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Struggling with Forgiveness

Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.

Mark 11:25 (NRSV)

I cry out to God
Seeking only His decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I've created my own prison

From "My Own Prison" by Creed

You may or may not have noticed that I've written a lot about forgiveness over the last few months.  A couple of months ago, I preached a sermon on Jesus' Parable of the Unforgiving Servant,¹ in which I suggest that forgiveness can be hard work, not only for someone forgiving another person but also for someone receiving forgiveness from another person.  Normally, when I preach, my sermon is based on one of the readings assigned for the week by the Revised Common Lectionary, but I chose to preach on that particular parable, not because it was one of the assigned readings but simply because it came to mind a few weeks earlier.

A couple of weeks later, I wrote a perspective on the story of Joseph, who forgives his own brothers for selling him into slavery years earlier, even though he has the authority to make their lives a living hell.²  Earlier this month, I wrote a perspective on the story from the Gospels about a group of friends who go to great lengths to take their paralyzed friend to Jesus.³  I suggest that maybe they put forth all that effort just so that their friend can hear from Jesus the message he needs to hear the most, that he is forgiven.

Naturally, I started to wonder if there might be some subconscious reason I've been gravitating around this particular subject.  I wondered if maybe somewhere deep in my soul I yearn for forgiveness.

There are sermons I've written that are deeply personal to me, even though I did not share any personal stories in them.  The sermon I preached back in August is one of them.  The truth is that I struggle with forgiveness.  I struggle to forgive people who have wronged me, and I also struggle to forgive myself for things I've done.

In my sermon, I suggested that there might actually be reasons that someone doesn't want to be forgiven.  For example, a person might not want to be let off the hook because he foolishly and pridefully thinks that he can undo what he did.  This is something we might actually see in Jesus' parable.  It has been suggested that the servant in the parable, who has been forgiven a huge debt he would never be able to repay, refuses to forgive someone else a comparatively measly debt because he is trying to scrape together all the money he can get in a feeble attempt to repay his cancelled debt.⁴

I went on to suggest that someone might not want to be forgiven because, despite any guilt he might be repressing, he insists that he hasn't done anything that has to be forgiven or that he was completely justified in doing whatever he did.  I also suggested that someone might not want to be forgiven because he thinks that he is an irredeemable piece of garbage who deserves to be hated forever for what he did.  These are things I've observed in myself amid my own struggles with forgiveness.

I've started to think that sometimes my struggles to forgive other people might be linked to my struggles to forgive myself.  I argued in my sermon that a person cannot truly experience forgiveness without first experiencing guilt.  Quite often, my sources of guilt are my failures to do things I think I should have done.  Some of my failures occurred when I was put into difficult situations by the actions or inactions of other people.  In such a cases, I tend to fixate on what other people did in order to avoid facing the guilt I feel over my own part in the matter.

For example, in late 2015, I left the church I had attended all my life.  The church had been in decline for many years, and, by the time I left, I was the youngest member by a wide margin.  A couple of years after I left, the church closed.  Sometimes, instead of confronting my guilt over abandoning the church I promised to support with my prayers, presence, gifts, and service or my guilt over failing to do more to serve my church while I was still attending, I blamed members of my church who caused divisions or failed to do what was necessary to ensure that the church remained vital for future generations.

Regardless of what other members of my church did or failed to do, I have to own my decision to leave.  I simply wanted to be part of a more healthy faith community with people my own age.  Whether or not any guilt I feel about leaving my church is actually warranted, I have to confront it so that I can forgive myself and move on.

Truth be told, I have some examples of failures that weigh on me a bit more right now, but, for various reasons, I will not be sharing them at this time.

Sometimes I have trouble figuring out if I really did something selfish or if I just did what was right for myself.  Sometimes I'm overly critical of myself, and sometimes I feel unnecessarily guilty.  I'm unsure about a lot of things, but I am sure of the fact that I cannot keep shielding myself from my guilt by scapegoating others and fixating on they did to me.  In the end, I will only be accountable for my own actions.  I have to let go of what I've been holding against others so that I can own my actions, confront my guilt whether or not it is justified, and work through it.

Jesus warns us that we will only be forgiven to the extent that we forgive other people.⁵  We cannot forgive ourselves unless we confront our guilt, and we cannot confront our guilt if we are distracting ourselves with the wrongdoings of others.


Notes:

1. Matthew 18:23-35
2. Genesis 37-45
3. Matthew 9:2-8; Mark 2:1-12; Luke 5:17-26
4. David A. Seamands.  Healing for Damaged Emotions.  1981, David C. Cook.  p. 28-29
5. Matthew 6:14-15

The photograph of the olive branch has been released to the public domain.  The photographer is in no way affiliated with this blog.

Perspective: A Time and a Place

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Comments are always welcomed.
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A Time and a Place

Knowing their evil motives, Jesus replied, "Why do you test me, you hypocrites?"

Matthew 22:18 (CEB)

We're not cynics, we just don't believe a word you say
We're not critics, we just hate it all anyway

From "Cynics & Critics" by Icon for Hire

My Sunday school class typically discusses current events in light of the Christian faith, so on some occasions we end up delving into some potentially controversial subjects.  Our meeting last Sunday was one such occasion.  I don't really like wading into controversial topics on my blog, but since I've been struggling to figure out what to write lately, I briefly considered sharing on this blog some of the thoughts I shared with my class on Sunday.

I chickened out.  When it comes to matters in which people are sharply divided, I am usually able to see what is good and what is problematic about either side.  Because people tend to be quick to take sides and to demonize everyone who doesn't side with them, I feared that I might end up angering people on both sides with my thoughts on the subject at hand.  Furthermore, having wasted a lot of time on social media websites, I know how toxic people can be on the Internet, where they don't have to look each other in the eyes when they spit their venom at each other.

In the Gospel of Matthew, we read that one day, while Jesus and His disciples are in Capernaum, some tax collectors confront the disciple Simon and ask him whether or not his Teacher pays the "temple tax."¹  In Jesus' day, every Jewish person is expected to pay a certain amount of money to support their religious system, which is headquartered in Jerusalem.²  Simon confirms that Jesus does in fact pay the tax.³

Later that day, Jesus asks Simon, in private, "What do you think, Simon?  From whom do earthly kings collect taxes, from their children or from strangers?"⁴

Simon replies, "From strangers."⁵

Jesus says, "Then the children don't have to pay."⁶  Jesus, who is critical of the religious system of His day, seems to be suggesting that, as children of God, people should never be forced to financially support a religious institution.  Not wanting to rock the proverbial boat too much at this time, Jesus then tells Simon where to find a coin to pay the temple tax for both of them.⁷

In the same Gospel, we read that later on, in Jerusalem, some religious leaders meet with some supporters of Herod, Rome's puppet king of Judea, and together confront Jesus about the contentious subject of taxation once again.  Obviously trying to pin Him between a rock and a hard place, they ask Him whether or not Jewish Law permits paying taxes to the Roman emperor.⁸  If Jesus says that that paying taxes to Caesar is permissible, then He will draw the ire people who resent their Roman oppressors and their taxation.  If He says that paying taxes to Caesar is not permissible, He will find Himself in hot water with the Roman Empire.⁹

Jesus, unwilling to play the game of His detractors, simply tells them to "give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar and to God what belongs to God," never explicitly stating "what belongs to Caesar" or "what belongs to God."¹⁰

I cannot help but notice that Jesus seems to speak more candidly about the controversial topic of taxation when He is speaking privately with his closest followers than when He is speaking publicly with His detractors.  He knows what He was put on this planet to do, and He does not want to be drawn into any unnecessary conflicts that would distract Him from His purpose.  Jesus is showing us the importance of knowing how to pick our battles.  We would do well not to allow ourselves to be drawn into every controversy.

Maybe Jesus is also showing us that not every conversation should be held in public.  Maybe some conversations are just better suited for small, intimate settings like Sunday school classes, where people already know and respect each other.  And in the age of the Internet, maybe some conversations are more productive in settings where people can see each other's faces and hear each other's voices and where relative anonymity doesn't give people the license to be excessively toxic.


Notes:

1. Matthew 17:24
2. N.T Wright.  Matthew for Everyone, Part 2.  2004, Westminster John Knox Press.  p. 23
3. Matthew 17:25
4. Matthew 17:25 (CEB)
5. Matthew 17:26 (CEB)
6. ibid.
7. Matthew 17:27
8. Matthew 22:15-17
9. William Barclay.  The New Daily Study Bible: The Gospel of Matthew, Volume Two.  2001, Saint Andrew Press.  p. 318
10. Matthew 22:18-21 (CEB)

The Tribute Money was painted by Leopold Layer around 1800.

Perspective: Rage Against the Religious Machine

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.
Comments are always welcomed.
If you find these thoughts helpful, please share.

Rage Against the Religious Machine

Then Jesus entered the temple and drove out all who were selling and buying in the temple, and he overturned the tables of the money changers and the seats of those who sold doves.  He said to them, "It is written, 'My house shall be called a house of prayer'; but you are making it a den of robbers."

Matthew 21:12-13 (NRSV)

To serve the present age
My calling to fulfill
O may it all my powers engage
To do my Master's will!

From "A Charge to Keep I Have" by Charles Wesley

In the Gospel of Matthew, we read that one day, while Jesus is teaching in the temple in Jerusalem, some of the religious leaders confront Him and ask Him where He received the authority to do the things He has been doing.¹  When Jesus arrived in Jerusalem, He rode into town on a donkey, as if He was a king in a peacetime procession.²  Afterward, He barged into the temple and made a rather dramatic protest.  He drove out the people doing business there and alleged that the house of prayer had become a "den of robbers."³  Naturally, the people in charge want to know why Jesus thinks He has any right to do such things.

Jesus refuses to answer the question,⁴ but, as He is wont to do, He tells the religious leaders a series of parables.

First, Jesus tells the religious leaders a parable about a man who has two sons.  When the father asks one of his sons to work in the family vineyard, the son initially refuses, but he later changes his mind and goes to work.  When the father asks his other son to work in the vineyard, the son says that he will do so, but he never actually does what he has said he will do.  When Jesus asks the religious leaders which son actually did what his father wanted him to do, they agree that the first son is the obedient one.  Jesus then explains the parable to them, saying, "Truly I tell you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are going into the kingdom of God ahead of you."⁵

In this parable, the first son demonstrates repentance.  Though he initially disobeys his father, he eventually changes his mind and his actions.  This son represents the so-called "sinners" who would never be welcome among the religious leaders but who have listened to Jesus and other prophets of God and have started to turn their lives around.  The second son in the parable merely makes the pretense of being an obedient son.  He says that he will do what his father has asked him to do but never actually does so.  This son represents the religious leaders, who appear to be pious but do not listen to the prophets God sends them.⁶

Next, Jesus tells the religious leaders a parable about a rich man who plants a vineyard and rents it out to tenant farmers.  Whenever the vineyard owner sends his servants to collect his cut of the harvest, the tenants abuse them or even kill them.  Finally, the vineyard owner sends his own son to the tenants, hoping that they will respect him more than they respected his servants.  The tenants kill the son, hoping to steal his inheritance.  Jesus asks the religious leaders what the vineyard owner should do, and they suggest that the vineyard owner should have the tenant farmers put to death and then rent his vineyard to new tenants.⁷  Jesus then explains the parable to them, saying, "I tell you, the Kingdom of God will be taken away from you and given to a people that produces the fruits of the kingdom."⁸

In this parable, the vineyard owner represents God, and the vineyard represents God's people.  The tenant farmers represent the religious leaders who have been given the responsibility of leading God's people.  The vineyard owner's servants represent the prophets who were ignored and abused by the religious leaders of their day.  The vineyard owner's son represents Jesus, who will soon be crucified.  Jesus is suggesting that, like the evil tenant farmers, the religious leaders have not faithfully done what they were called to do and that their days in charge are numbered.

Finally, Jesus tells the religious leaders a parable about a king who throws a wedding party for his son.  When the king sends his messengers to the people he invited to the party, the invitees decide they no longer want to attend.  When the king sends out his messengers again, some of the invitees merely ignore them, but others kill them.  Enraged, the king lays waste to the city.  He then sends out his remaining messengers to invite anyone they can find to the wedding party.  When the king arrives at the wedding party, he finds the venue full of guests, but, when he sees someone who is not dressed for the occasion, he has him thrown out.⁹

In this parable, the wedding party represents the Kingdom of God.  The king's messengers represent God's prophets.  The people who were originally invited to the party represent people like the religious leaders who have been previously called by God but who apparently no longer want any part of what God is doing in their midst.  The people who actually attend the party represent the aforementioned "tax collectors and prostitutes" who have heeded the call of the prophets.  By noting that there is at least one person who is thrown out of the party, Jesus makes it clear that the Kingdom of God is a place where all people are welcome but not a place where "anything goes."

With these three parables, Jesus is alleging that the religious leaders are not who they present themselves to be, that they have not faithfully done what God has called them to do, and that they actually want no part of what God is doing in the world.

Ever since Jesus entered Jerusalem, He has been raging against the religious machine headquartered there.  Shortly after He made His dramatic protest at the temple, He saw a fig tree, and, when He looked for some figs to eat, He found nothing but leaves.  He cursed the fig tree, and it immediately withered.¹⁰  This piece of performance art is yet another criticism against the religious system.  Jesus was alleging that the religious system is as fruitless as the fig tree and that, in the same way that the fig tree left Him hungry, the religious system is leaving people spiritually hungry.

Jesus and His Jewish followers were very critical of the religious system of their day.  When we encounter their critiques in Scripture, we need to consider whether or not the same critiques could be made about our own religious systems.  If we are religious, we need to consider whether or not we are faithfully doing what God has called us to do.  No religion or religious institution is above criticism, and, if we love our communities of faith, we should want them to be everything God has called them to be.


Notes:

1. Matthew 21:23
2. Matthew 21:1-11
3. Matthew 21:12-13 (NRSV)
4. Matthew 21:24-27
5. Matthew 21:28-31 (NRSV)
6. Matthew 21:32
7. Matthew 21:33-41
8. Matthew 21:43 (NRSV)
9. Matthew 22:1-14
10. Matthew 21:18-19

The Accursed Fig Tree was painted by James Tissot in the late 1800s.

Perspective: You Are Forgiven

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.
Comments are always welcomed.
If you find these thoughts helpful, please share.

You Are Forgiven

I alone am the one
who blots out your transgressions for my own sake,
and I will not remember your sins.

Isaiah 43:25 (NRSVUE)

I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I'm forgiving what I've done

From "What I've Done" by Linkin Park

In the Gospels, we read a story about a group of people who want to take their friend to Jesus.  Their friend is paralyzed, so they put him on a stretcher and carry him to the place where Jesus is reportedly staying.  When they arrive, they find that so many people have gathered at the house to see Jesus that they are unable to get their friend into the house.  Unwilling to admit defeat, the friends climb up to the roof of the house, tear a hole in the roof, and lower their paralyzed friend into the room right in front of Jesus.¹

Moved by the faith of these "stretcher bearers," Jesus says to the paralyzed man, "Son, your sins are forgiven."²

Today I want to consider why this group of people wanted to take their friend to see Jesus in the first place.  Typically, we assume that they want their friend to see Jesus so that he may be healed of his paralysis.  Undoubtedly they have heard about Jesus' healing many people while He was staying in their town previously.³  That said, I cannot help but notice that, though it would be obvious to Jesus that the man being lowered through the ceiling is paralyzed, His first impulse is to tell him that his sins are forgiven.

Sadly, we know very little about the man who is brought to Jesus.  We do not know what injury or illness has caused his paralysis, and we do not know what happened in his life before his encounter with Jesus.  All we know about him is that he has friends who love him dearly and are willing to do whatever it takes to get him in front of Jesus.  We are left to speculate about everything else.

Scholar William Barclay points out that, in Jesus' day, it is believed that a person's suffering is the result of the person's wrongdoings.  If someone believes that her physical malady is punishment for some transgression on her part, then she must first experience forgiveness before she can be healed.  Highlighting the power of the subconscious mind over the human body, Barclay goes so far as to suggest that even a condition like paralysis can possibly be a physical manifestation of emotions like guilt.⁴

What if the paralyzed man is wracked with guilt over something he did in the past?  What if he believes that whatever illness or injury that caused his paralysis is punishment from God for what he did?  What if his friends have heard Jesus' message in the past and know that Jesus is not only a healer but also a man of grace and mercy?  What if these people put forth all the effort of carrying their friend on a stretcher to where Jesus is staying and tearing a hole in the roof just so that he can hear from Jesus that he is forgiven?

Not all healing is physical, and a message of forgiveness is one we all need to hear.

A week ago, I attended a church service that included Holy Communion.  During the Communion liturgy, the congregation prayed prayers of confession, and then the pastor and the rest of the congregation said to each other, "In name of Jesus Christ, you are forgiven!"⁵  A couple of days later, I lay down to take a nap, and, to wind down, I listened to a relaxation video that featured positive affirmations.  I could not help but take notice when the person in the video whispered, "You're allowed to forgive yourself."  The need for forgiveness is universal.

After Jesus tells the paralyzed man that his sins are forgiven, some religious scholars who are present accuse Jesus of "insulting God," since only God has the authority to forgive sins.  Jesus points out that telling a paralyzed man that his sins are forgiven is a lot easier than telling him to stand up and walk.  Then, to prove that He has has been authorized to forgive sins, He tells the man to stand up, to pick up his stretcher, and to walk.  The formerly paralyzed man, rises from his stretcher, completely healed.⁶

One version of the story tells us that the people who witness this miracle are awestruck because God "had given such authority to human beings."⁷  The writer does not make it clear whether the authority entrusted to humans is the authority to heal or the authority to forgive.  Truth be told, we do not need the authority to forgive in order to tell people that they are forgiven; we just need the knowledge that our God is a God of forgiveness.  The story of Jesus' healing the paralyzed man is, in the words of William Barclay, "a lovely story because the first thing that Jesus does for every one of us is to say, 'Child, God is not angry with you.  Come home, and don't be afraid.'"⁸

Sometimes the good news we need to hear the most is that we are forgiven.  We have all done things we should not have done, so we all need forgiveness.  When people in our midst are paralyzed by guilt, may we share the message of forgiveness with them, because our God is a forgiving God.  When we are wronged by others, may we find it in our hearts to forgive as we have been forgiven.  When we have to face our own guilt, may we find it in our hearts to forgive ourselves so that we may move forward.


Notes:

1. Mark 2:1-4
2. Mark 2:5 (NRSV)
3. Mark 1:21-34
4. William Barclay.  The New Daily Study Bible: The Gospel of Mark.  2001, Saint Andrew Press.  pp. 54-55
5. "A Service of Word and Table I and Introductions to the Other Forms."  Discipleship Ministries.
6. Mark 2:6-12 (NRSV)
7. Matthew 9:8 (NRSV)
8. Barclay, p. 55

Le paralytique descendu du toit was painted by James Tissot in the late 1800s.