Introspection: Sifting through the Ashes

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.
Comments are always welcomed.
If you find these thoughts helpful, please share.

Sifting through the Ashes

Job got to his feet, ripped his robe, shaved his head, then fell to the ground and worshiped:

Naked I came from my mother's womb,
naked I'll return to the womb of the earth.
God gives, God takes.
God's name be ever blessed.

Job 1:20-21 (The Message)

What ever happened to the young man's heart?
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

From "45" by Shinedown

In mid-February of this year, during the Ash Wednesday service at my church, Brian Gilmer, one of my pastors, described how the ashes imposed on people's foreheads are traditionally obtained.  The palm branches that are waved during the previous year's Palm Sunday service are saved.  Having dried out over the course of the year, they are burned and ground up, and the ashes are collected.  Pastor Brian noted that there is usually some debris that must be sifted from the ashes before they can be used, and he went on to suggest that Lent is a season of sifting through our lives.¹

Most strangely, this year the fourteenth day of February happened to be both Ash Wednesday and Valentine's Day, the latter of which is probably my least favorite holiday.  That day, before I attended the Ash Wednesday service at my church, Facebook reminded me of something I posted on Valentine's Day twelve years earlier.  I wrote, "Happy Valentine's Day!  Enjoy the day, whether you're married, single, or seeing someone."  Pushing forty and still single, I decided to vent some of my bitterness after the service.  I shared that Facebook post, adding, "To my 27-year-old self: Shut your word hole."

A few people reacted to my post in different ways, and on that day it was nice to feel seen.  In the days that followed, I was struck by the hostility with which I reacted to my younger self.  It occurred to me that, when I was twenty-seven years old, life was looking up for me, and I had yet to experience the pain I have since endured.  In the last twelve years, I experienced a lot of loss, and I was put into a number of seemingly impossible situations I did not handle gracefully.  A lot of people emerge from their trials as better people.  I cannot say the same about myself.  In fact, I like myself a lot less than I did when I was twenty-seven years old.

It was as if a fire slowly started spreading through my life, slowly consuming everything bit by bit.  I thought the fire had stopped burning five years ago, when my life started to look up again, but then the pandemic came along and accelerated the fire.  Sometimes I feel like there's not much of my life left.  The image of sifting through the ashes seemed appropriate this Lenten season.

So what did I find in the ashes?

Amid the ashes that were once my life, I found bitterness, blame, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and a damaged self-image, all of which are the kind of things one would confront during Lent.  I also found the same sad story I habitually tell myself about my life, which is a story of pain and loss.  It's an awful story, and even I, as melancholic as I tend to be, am growing tired of hearing it.  Over time, I emerged from the funk in which I started the Lenten season, and I started to see that I really don't need to spend any more time sifting through the ashes of my life.  I need to stop telling myself the same tired story I've been telling, to sweep away the ashes of what was, and to start building something new in its place.

I've been putting off writing this introspection for a while now.  The reason is that, if I'm tired of hearing the story I keep telling myself, then I couldn't imagine that you, dear reader, would want to hear it either.  There's a time to sift through the ashes and a time to sweep them up and move on, and it's time that I finally did the latter.


Notes:

1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VvUtywCdGKU

The photograph featured in this introspection was taken by Alex Grichenko, and it has been released to the public domain.  The photographer is in no way affiliated with this blog.

Perspective: A Good Word for the Reader

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.
Comments are always welcomed.
If you find these thoughts helpful, please share.

A Good Word for the Reader

Jesus said to [Thomas], "Have you believed because you have seen me?  Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have come to believe."

John 20:29 (NRSV)

When all around me starts to fall
And when my faith it seems so small
Even in my darkest hour, I will believe
Even if the sun begins to fall
Even when I feel nothing at all
Even if I'm all alone, I will believe

From "Believe" by Mainstay

In the Gospel of John, we read that, a few days after Jesus was arrested, put on trial, and executed by crucifixion, the Disciples are huddled in their meeting place with the door locked.¹  That morning, Jesus' tomb was found empty,² so naturally, when the authorities discover that the body is missing, they will be looking for the Disciples.  Suddenly, Jesus appears among the Disciples, alive and well, and says, "Peace be with you."  He shows them the scars from His crucifixion and says, "Peace be with you.  As the Father has sent me, so I send you."  He then breathes on them and says, "Receive the Holy Spirit."³

Unfortunately, the disciple named Thomas is not with the others when Jesus appears to them.  The ten who saw Jesus find Thomas and tell him that their Teacher is alive, but Thomas says to them, "Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands, and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe."⁴

Three times we are told in the Gospel of John that Thomas is also known as "Didymus" or "the Twin."⁵  Oddly, we are never told whose twin Thomas is.  It has been suggested that Thomas is the twin of the person reading the story.  The Gospel of John, like the other Gospels, was written for people like Thomas who were not present when the Risen Christ first appeared to the Disciples.  Like Thomas, the readers are invited to believe that Jesus Christ has been resurrected from the dead and that evil and death have been defeated.  Like Thomas, the readers will have to decide whether they will dare to believe the Good News or assume that it's all too good to be true.

One week later, the Disciples are once again gathered in their meeting place, but this time Thomas is with them.  Once again, Jesus appears in their midst, even though the door is locked, and says to them, "Peace be with you."  He then turns to Thomas specifically and says to him, "Put your finger here and see my hands.  Reach out your hand and put it in my side.  Do not doubt but believe."⁶

Astounded, Thomas exclaims, "My Lord and my God!"⁷

Jesus then says, "Have you believed because you have seen me?  Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have come to believe."⁸

When a television show is filmed, actors typically perform on a set that was built with only three walls.  Where the other wall of the room would be, there are cameras, camera operators, directors, other stage hands, and maybe a live studio audience.  The term fourth wall is used to describe the metaphorical boundary between the characters of the show and their audience.  One might think of it more directly as the television screen itself.  Basically, a separation between a story and its audience is understood.  On rare occasions, a character within the story will subversively "break" the fourth wall and address the audience directly.

When Jesus blesses the people who have not seen Him but still believe in Him, He is not speaking to anyone present in the story.  All of the Disciples have seen Him, and they all believe because they have seen Him.  I would like to suggest that maybe Jesus is "breaking the fourth wall" in some sense and directly addressing the people reading the Gospel story.  Thomas has had the opportunity to see the Risen Christ for himself, but very few people will have such a privilege.  Jesus blesses those who dare to believe anyway.

Some people have had powerful mystical experiences that have led them to faith in Christ.  Many more people have had no such experiences but have chosen to put their faith in Christ anyway.  The latter are no less important to Christ than the former, for Christ blesses all who believe.  No two people's journeys of faith are the same, but all people matter to God.


Notes:

1. John 20:19
2. John 20:1-7
3. John 20:19-22 (NRSV)
4. John 20:24-25 (NRSV)
5. John 11:16; 20:24; 21:2
6. John 20:26-27 (NRSV)
7. John 20:28 (NRSV)
8. John 20:29 (NRSV)

The Incredulity of Saint Thomas was painted by Caravaggio in the early seventeenth century.