Introspection: Do Something!

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Do Something!

I hereby command you: Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Joshua 1:9 (NRSV)

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
And when do you think it will all become clear?
'Cause I'm being taken over by the fear

From "The Fear" by Lily Allen

I would like to share more introspective writing this year, but, as I noted previously, I don't really feel like I have anything especially good to share about my life at this time.  Furthermore, as I also noted previously, if I have grown weary of the disappointment, bitterness, and self-pity that tends to infect my personal writing, then I cannot help but think that you would not want to read it either.

All that said, lately I've started to wonder if those of you who have been reading my introspective posts for a while want to ask me, "If there's so much you don't like about your life, then why don't you just freakin' do something about it?"

It's a good question.  So why don't I just freakin' do something?

There's a simple answer: fear.

If I don't like my job as a computer programmer, then why don't I quit my job, go back to school, and become a teacher, which is what I think I really want to be?

The truth is that I'm afraid of making a big mistake.  Though I don't love my job, I don't hate it either - at least I don't hate it every day.  Even on the days I do hate my job, I still take pride in the fact that, because I work at a local technical college, I am using my programming skills to make a positive contribution to my community.  Also, I have a lot of benefits beyond a monthly paycheck, including health insurance, a lot of vacation time, and the possibility of retiring with a pension.  I fell into a pretty sweet deal, and I'm afraid of giving it all up for something I don't even know I'll find more fulfilling.

I'm also afraid of getting in over my head.  I didn't especially enjoy writing papers when I was in college, and I have no idea how I would ever write a master's thesis, much less a doctoral dissertation.  Also, though I've taught some ten-hour classes for my church district, I have no idea how I would ever plan and teach a semester-long class.

If I'm lonely, then why don't I reactivate my dating profile and start swiping right?

The truth is that I'm afraid of rejection.  I'm afraid that, if I start swiping right, no one will swipe right on me.  I'm afraid that, if someone, for some reason, does actually swipe right on me, she will inevitably get to know me too well and realize she can do a lot better.  Maybe, deep down, I'm also afraid of change.  Maybe I'm afraid that I really will meet someone who loves me and accepts me, that we'll actually hit it off, and that I'll eventually find myself in a life that is nothing like the crappy yet comfortably predictable life I've always known.

There is a lot I don't like about my life, but I'm hesitant to do anything about it because I'm afraid.  Unfortunately, there is no figurative silver bullet that kills fear.  The only way to defeat this monster is to confront it head-on and to overcome it.

There is an old nursery rhyme about some children who are "going on a bear hunt."  As the young hunters look for bears, they encounter a series of obstacles in their path, including tall grass, a river, and finally a dark bear cave.  Whenever they meet an obstacle, they realize that they "can't go over it," that they "can't go under it," that they "can't go around it," but that they "got to go through it."¹  All these things are especially true about the obstacle of fear.

I have a personality that makes me a lot more adept at longing for the things I think I want in life than actually working for them.  If I want a better life, then I will have to take action, and, to take action, I will have to overcome my fear.  I can't go over it.  I can't go under it.  I can't go around it.  I can't shoot it from a distance with a magic bullet.  I will have to go through it.


Notes:

1. https://allnurseryrhymes.com/going-on-a-bear-hunt/

The photograph of the animal cave is used courtesy of PickPic.com and is understood to be public domain.  The photographer is in no way affiliated with this blog.