Introspection: My Painfully Comfortable Life

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My Painfully Comfortable Life

I hereby command you: Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Joshua 1:9 (NRSV)

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

From "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls

I decided at the end of last year that my focus for this year would be to cultivate a sense of self-worth.  Earlier this year, when I started working through a self-help course on dignity, I learned that an important part of self-worth is self-knowledge and that an important thing to know about oneself is what one wants out of life.¹  Two things I've always wanted in life are intimacy and purpose.  I want a companion in life who deeply loves me, and I want a purpose in life that deeply drives me.

Recently I've started to realize that the things I claim I want the most might also be the things that scare me the most.  That said, I might have been a bit off target when I set my focus for the year.

In early September, I saw that Facebook had rolled out a dating app.  Since I already use Facebook, I decided to go ahead and create a dating profile.  For some reason, I would start feeling anxious whenever I worked on it.  I wasn't able to simply switch gears and focus on anything else afterward.  Less than a week after I finished my dating profile, the app started picking out potential matches for me.  I noticed a few women I might have liked to meet, but I was hesitant to express an interest in any of them.  I suppose I was taking a wait-and-see approach, waiting to see if any of them expressed an interest in me.

A few days later, I made a mistake.  I've had a smart phone for a number of years, but I can still a bit clumsy when it comes to touch screens.  As I was looking at some of my potential matches, I accidentally tapped the button indicating that I was interested in one of them.  I panicked.  I still wasn't ready to reach out to anyone, so I looked for a way to undo what I had done.  When I was unable to find a way, I deleted my dating profile, hoping the woman wouldn't notice me.  I figured I could easily recreate my dating profile if I ever wanted to try the app again.

It was then I realized that I have a fear of dating.

I've tried to figure out exactly why I find the prospect of dating so terrifying.  Maybe I'm afraid of being rejected.  Given my track record, maybe I'm afraid that nobody will want to date me.  Maybe I'm afraid that someone will want to meet me and then decide that I'm not enough for her once she gets to know me.  Maybe I'm actually more afraid that I won't be rejected.  Maybe I'm afraid that someone will like me more than I like her and that I'll end up hurting her.  Maybe I fear the excruciating vulnerability that true intimacy requires.  Maybe I'm afraid that a romantic relationship will require too much of me.

Something else that has been bothering me lately is the relatively low number of page views this blog has been getting.  Social media is my primary means of promoting my blog posts, so I started wondering if I've been "shadow banned."  In other words, I wondered if maybe the social media sites I've been using have stacked the deck against me.  I figured I was probably flattering myself to think that the moderators or algorithms that run these sites found me that significant.  If people considered my blog to be worth reading, they would be reading it.

I realized that fear has also been getting in the way of my writing.  I could work harder to promote my blog, but I know that increased readership would invite increased criticism.  I'm afraid that, if I share some of my more controversial thoughts, I'll get my head handed to me by either the "clowns to the left of me" or the "jokers to the right."²

It has been said that "every system is perfectly designed to get the results it gets."³  Generally this idea is applied to the business world, but I've started thinking about it in the context of my own life.  I claim that I want a significant other, yet I'm chronically single.  I claim that I want a sense of purpose in my life, yet my job typically feels like a grind.  I constantly lament the loneliness and apparent pointlessness of my life, but I'm starting to wonder if I've "perfectly designed" my life to be as it is.

My problem, I suspect, is that I fear painful things like rejection and failure and that I've structured my life so that I will never have to face them.  My way of life is precisely what is keeping me stuck.  My life is painfully mundane, yet it is predictable and relatively easy.  Many meaningful things in life require risk of some sort.  I'll never have the intimacy and purpose I claim I want in life if I'm not willing to risk rejection and failure.  Intimacy requires vulnerability, and with vulnerability comes a greater risk of rejection.  Purpose brings with it responsibility, and with responsibility comes a greater risk of failure and greater consequences of failure.

I chose to work on my sense of self-worth this year, because I thought that it would give me the confidence to pursue what I claim want in life.  Perhaps what's been holding me back in life is not low self-esteem but rather fear.  I think that self-deprecation might have actually been my way of copping out - my excuse for not facing my fears.  Why should I bother facing my fears if I'm "not enough" in the first place?  What I need to cultivate is not a sense of self-worth but rather courage.  What's scary about cultivating courage is that it requires one to be... well... courageous.  Courage is a virtue that is not possessed but rather practiced.

I can continue playing it safe and go on living a painfully comfortable life, but the restlessness that haunts me will keep coming back because I'm meant for more.

Several years ago, while I was checking out at a store, I noticed that my cashier had some words tattooed on her arm.  I asked her what her tattoo said, and she replied, "Rid me of my fear.  Rid me of my pride."  I thought it was a profound prayer, so I said, "Amen."  Now I see that I too need to be rid of the fear that is holding me back and to be rid of the pride that keeps me protecting myself from risk.  Again I say, "Amen."


Notes:

1. This course on dignity was originally offered free of charge by life coach Steve Austin (catchingyourbreath.com).
2. I'm using phrases from the song "Stuck in the Middle with You" by Stealers Wheel to describe argumentative, opinionated people who are either lot more progressive or a lot more conservative than I.
3. This quote or one like it has been attributed to various people including W. Edwards Deming.

The photograph featured in this introspection has been released to the public domain.  The photographer is in no way affiliated with this blog.